FIRST DRAFT SCRIPT:
MARRIED... WITH QUEEN (PART ONE)
MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
"MARRIED... WITH QUEEN"
March 27, 1989
Michael G. Moye
Ellen L. Fogle
AL BUNDY.................ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY..............KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES............DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES............AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY..............CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY................DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG............MIKE, THE DOG
NANCY BENDER.............LISA RAGGIO
TODD BITTERMAN...........JAMES NARDINI
LEAD SINGER..............MORGAN CAVAT
BASS PLAYER..............PETER MARSHALL
LEAD GUITARIST...........DANNY TIMMS
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - EVENING
(KELLY AND BUD SIT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. IT IS SET FOR DINING. THEY HOLD FORKS AND KNIVES. PEGGY
ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE, HOLDING A DRESS BAG)
PEGGY What are you kids doing?
KEL/BUD (CHANTING, POUNDING SILVERWARE) Food! Food! Food!
(PEGGY SITS WITH THEM AND JOINS THE CHANT)
P/K/B Food! Food! Food!
PEGGY It's not working. Y'know, it's funny. It didn't work last Thanksgiving either.
BUD Mom, could we have a little chat about nutrition? Y'know, food. Not those one-a-day-vitamin
sandwiches you've been making us for lunch.
KELLY Yeah, Mom. We've been talking to the other kids at school. They get three meals a day.
(SUSPICIOUS) And they still have all their teeth.
PEGGY Kids, don't you understand? Your father doesn't earn enough for this dress and food.
(TAKES DRESS FROM BAG) Isn't it lovely?
BUD Exquisite. Pop it in the oven, heat it up.
PEGGY Here, if you're really hungry, eat this price tag.
(PEGGY GIVES THEM THE PRICE TAG. THEY STARE AT HER)
PEGGY Someone's got to. Your father will have a fit if he sees it.
(THE KIDS LOOK, REACT. THEN BUD TEARS IT IN HALF AND GIVES HALF TO KELLY)
KELLY Hey. How come you always get the plastic thread?
BUD I'm doing it for you, Kell. You know plastic goes right to your thighs. C'mon, Mom, we're
hungry. Isn't there anything to eat in the house?
(A BEAT, AS THEY ALL TURN TO STARE AT BUCK. HE HAS BEEN LYING ON THE FLOOR. HE RUNS OUT THROUGH
THE DOG DOOR)
PEGGY Kids. I know how you feel. I was hungry too, before I stopped at Burger King on the way
home. But I didn't get this dress just so you couldn't eat... like I did our air
conditioner in the bedroom. This is important. Daddy and I are going to our High School
reunion, and I want to really wow them. Mommy deserves to have a little fun, and all I
hear from you is... (MIMICS) ... "Hungry, hungry, hungry." Jeez, it never ends. Now,
leave mommy alone and go forage in the freezer.
(THE KIDS OPEN THE FREEZER DOOR. IT'S ALMOST SOLID ICE, WITH ONE SMALL HOLE)
KELLY Call Geraldo. I think I see the Titanic.
BUD Get me a blow torch, Kell. (BRAVELY) I'm going in.
(AL ENTERS. KELLY HANDS BUD A HAMMER AND CHISEL. HE BEGINS HAMMERING. AL CROSSES TO THEM)
AL No, kids. It's the oven you stick your head in.
KELLY We're mining for food, Daddy.
AL All right! Break me off an ice burger. Hi Peg. Nice dress. When do they turn off the
PEGGY Oh, Al. Can't you recognize a bargain when you see one?
AL Well, we paid thirty thousand for this house. It's worth about four bucks. Throw in what
you're worth, and obviously I'm not a smart shopper.
PEGGY Well, it doesn't matter, honey. As long as you're good in bed. And no one can sleep in
one better than you.
AL Okay, Peg. What did you buy a new dress for? Oprah having a formal episode?
PEGGY Al, don't you remember anything?
AL Not since I said "I do". Then your mother opened her mouth and let me down.
PEGGY That was a show of affection. That's how she used to carry us all around. Now let's
forget the past. Tomorrow night we're going for our High School reunion and I want us to
look nice. Now get your suit out of the hamper and iron it.
AL I don't want to go to my High School reunion. I just know they're gonna ask me questions
I can't answer. Like, "How ya doin'?" "How's it goin'?" And the ever-painful, "Who did
PEGGY Not to mention the old conversation stopper, "What does your husband make?"
AL Look, Peg. We're not going.
PEGGY Yes we are, Al. You promised you'd take me the night you didn't take me to our Senior
AL Hey, we had a great time that night, didn't we?
PEGGY Oh yeah, wall to wall magic. Watching sports on TV at my father's house. You drank all
his beer. I said I love you. You said, "Shut up, I can't hear the game." Then we had sex
on my father's coat. You were quite a tiger that night, Al.
AL Yeah. Well, who thought I'd ever see you again after that.
BUD I got something here, Kell. It could be edible. It's... (PULLING SOMETHING FROM THE ICY
DEPTHS) ... It's Freddy! My goldfish! The one we froze till they found a cure for
whatever was killing him.
KELLY You were only five then Bud, so we didn't tell you. What was killing him was that we
didn't feed him.
BUD (TOUCHED) Oh, Freddy. (BEAT, THEN) Dibs on the head!
KELLY I get the head.
BUD He was my pet.
KELLY Can we please just fry him up and argue afterwards?
(SHE GETS A PAN. BUD GOES TO PUT HIM IN THE PAN. HE STOPS)
BUD Kell, I can't. I just can't eat Freddy. I mean, he lived in my room.
KELLY Well, so does fungus. Where do you draw the line?
BUD At a fish I was proud to call my friend. Let's go out and feed him to a cat. He would
have wanted it that way.
(THEY HEAD OUT)
KELLY I dunno. I like to think Freddy would have liked us to eat him up.
BUD If it helps, look at it like we're fattening up a cat.
PEGGY I'm glad they're gone. They were depressing me. Al, there's no way you're not taking me
to this reunion. I gave up being queen of our prom for you. Don't you think it's time you
give up something for me?
AL Peg, you gave up the chance to prance around with a plastic tiara on your head. Me, I've
only given up one entire life. Shame on me for being a selfish moke.
PEGGY Oh, Al. I never wanted your life. I just took it because it was there. But reunion queen
is important to me. I know I can win. The only competition I have to worry about is Nancy
AL (FONDLY) Yeah, I remember Nancy Bender.
PEGGY What do you remember, Al?
AL I remember her father had a great coat.
(PEGGY STARES AT HIM)
AL (SUAVE) But no one had a nicer coat than your dad.
PEGGY You really mean that, Al?
AL As much as I meant, "I do."
PEGGY I know what you're trying to do, Al. You're trying to make me mad so I'll tell you to
stay home. Well, it didn't work at our wedding and it's not going to work now. You're
definitely going to this reunion, and I'm definitely gonna win Reunion Queen.
AL How do you know?
PEGGY Well, I took my own little poll, made a few phone calls...
AL How many calls, Peg?
(AL OPENS THE DOOR. A SUITED PHONE COMPANY REP., MR. BITTERMAN, ENTERS)
MR. B Hi. Todd Bitterman. Phone Company. I just wanted to shake the hand of the man whose
finger dialed two thousand dollars worth of phone calls in an eight hour period. You'll
be extra proud to know you're a shoe-in for the record highest phone bill without a
nine-seven-six number. So, on behalf of the Phone Company, we've brought you this token
of our esteem. Your phone bill.
(BUD AND KELLY ENTER)
MR. B Kids, do you have your own phones?
(AL SLAMS THE DOOR ON MR. BITTERMAN)
AL Two thousand dollars, Peg?
PEGGY Hey, it wasn't all me. Look. (SHOWS HIM THE BILL) You can't blame me for this call you
made to the bank when I bounced all those checks. But you don't hear me screaming cause
you were too cheap to just drive there.
AL Peg. Is there more to this queen thing than you're telling me? Do you have to be a widow
to get the crown.
PEGGY Don't you understand, Al? Being Reunion Queen for me is like... well, you don't have a
AL Oh, yes I do. The problem is, how do I get you to the middle of the lake?
BUD Well, there's obviously no food down here. C'mon, Kelly. Let's go upstairs and check the
webs for spiders.
KELLY Just don't give me any of that, "Hey, don't eat him. That's Stanley." 'Cause if it moves,
AL Peg, how come everybody knows where to find food in this house but me?
(PEGGY ANSWERS THE DOOR TO STEVE AND MARCY. THEY LEAD BUCK IN)
STEVE Al, your dog burst into our house and hid under our bed. He does that every day around
suppertime. Quite frankly, he needs a bath and won't listen to a word we say.
PEGGY (LOOKING AT AL) I've been there.
AL And anyplace she hasn't been, she's called.
(MARCY SEES THE NEW DRESS)
MARCY What a beautiful dress. I just saw it on Michigan Avenue. (CATTY) But my husband didn't
think we could afford it. See, Steve? Al doesn't mind spending five hundred dollars on
AL Is that what I spent on you, Pookie? Not the two hundred that broke me, but the five
hundred that's gonna send me cartwheeling to the grave?
PEGGY Oh, Al, what's the difference? Another month in debtor's prison? Doesn't it matter to you
that I look nice for our High School reunion?
AL I care as much about that as I do about whether I live out the night.
PEGGY (TO STEVE AND MARCY) I'm going to be Reunion Queen.
MARCY Oh, how exciting! But if you're going to be queen you can't just go in a five hundred
dollar dress. You have to accessorize properly. We could get you a beautiful beaded
evening purse if you'd be willing to bounce a check for another two hundred dollars.
PEGGY (TO AL) Would you mind, honey?
STEVE So, what are you up for, Al? The coveted "He'd be better off dead award"?
AL Okay, everybody. Let me put this as plainly as I can. I rule this house. I pay for it, I
rot within its walls, and I make the decision. My decision is, save that dress for my
funeral, 'cause we're not, no chance, no way, no how, going to that reunion.
MARCY (TO PEGGY) And you're going to have to buy some shoes. (EXCITEDLY) Oh, Peggy. Queen.
I'm so happy for you.
STEVE Well, Al, if Peggy's queen, that makes you, what, the three of clubs?
(AL REACTS AND LOOKS MISERABLE)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
(STEVE AND MARCY ARE TALKING EXCITEDLY WITH PEGGY ABOUT BEING QUEEN)
AL (TO HIMSELF) I don't understand. The father's the boss, isn't he? Robert Young was the
boss. Fred McMurray got some respect. Even Fred Flintstone got his way once or twice.
You're telling me I'm not the man Fred Flintstone is? Why do I go on?
MARCY Oh, come on, Al. Reunions are fun. Every now and then you have to take a stroll down
memory lane and say hi to Mr. Days Gone By. Steve and I couldn't wait to go to our
respective reunions. Why the failures of our former classmates were even greater than we
hoped and dreamed.
STEVE Yeah. Remember that hot shot visual aids captain, Marcus Belsky? He's a tow truck
operator now. (THEY LAUGH) Steal my compass, will you? Well rot in Hell, Belsky.
MARCY And how about that snot nosed pom pom slut Courtney Pierce? Most likely to succeed. Well,
she suceeded in growing a mustache and bagging groceries for three-twenty an hour.
(SHE LAUGHS HAPPILY)
STEVE Yeah, that's what reunions are for. To laugh and point at the pitiful. You know, Al. The
wretches, the failures, the people who didn't accomplish a damn thing since High School.
Oh, sorry, Al. That's you.
AL You know, Barney Rubble wasn't much, but at least he was supportive, Steve.
STEVE Marcy, let's go home, punch up some of our old classmates credit ratings on the computer
and make love by the flickering ashes of their lives.
MARCY Oh, Steve. We'll make a bed of our negotiable securities, and do the wild thing.
PEGGY How come we don't have any negotiable securities, Al?
AL Because my wild thing broke me.
PEGGY Fine. Get all this broke talk out of you system, because when we get to the reunion I
want you to treat me like a queen's husband -- what do they call them? Worker Bees --
AL Peg. You can cry, you can scream, you can threaten sex, but I'm not going to the reunion.
PEGGY Listen, Al, you said, "I'm not taking you to the Prom." I said fine. You said, "I'll just
be a shoe salesman for a few months till I get my feet off the ground." I said fine. You
said, "I don't know what's wrong, I'm just tired." I said fine. But I'm not saying fine
anymore. We are going to this reunion. And you're going to say, "Boy, am I a lucky guy
to be married to the Queen." And if people ask what you do, you're going to lie and say
you have a better job. You're going to say you're a garbageman.
(KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS. THEY STOP ON THE LANDING AND WATCH AL AND PEGGY DURING THE
AL I don't wanna go to the reunion. Can't we just forget about the good times and get on
with our lives?
PEGGY No, Al. (BEAT) C'mon, puddin'. My little wittle hunky bear.
AL Don't do this, Peg. You know it shrivels all my working parts.
PEGGY My yummy wummy hairy tummy. My simple wimple pimple bottom.
(KELLY AND BUD LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND GO BACK UPSTAIRS)
PEGGY Please. We don't have to stay long. Just long enough for me to get elected, have my
picture taken, and make Nancy Bender's armpits flow with envy. I'll be a good girl the
rest of my life. I'll never ever ask you for anything ever ever again. Okay,
AL All right. All right. I'll do anything. Just shut up, okay?
PEGGY (SUDDENLY BRISK) Fine, but as long as you insist on going, there are going to be rules.
First, that little weasel friend of yours. What was his name, Eli? I don't want you even
talking to him. He could get you to do anything, as long as it was stupid.
AL Eli was a good guy, Peg.
PEGGY Good guys don't say, "Hey, Bundy. Lower your head and run into a brick wall. I got twenty
ridin' on you."
(AL SMILES FONDLY AT THE MEMORY)
AL (PROUD) No one had ever done that before.
PEGGY I like to think that if you didn't, you might have actually had a shot at being a
garbageman. Now, rule number two. I don't want you getting into any fights, particularly
AL Jack. Yeah, I remember Jack. I don't like Jack. He had a thing about being the best. He
was always trying to top me. I'd make the team, he'd make the team. I'd break a record,
he'd break a record. Me and Jack split the school right down the middle. Half for him,
half for me. Then, on Graduation Day, we were finally gonna have it out. Just him and me
until somebody dropped. But then something happened.
PEGGY I think that "something" was Eli betting you couldn't jump over a Mustang doing fifty.
AL I was two inches short, Peg. If my toe had just cleared the driver's nose I would've won
that ten dollars. And that fight with Jack. And played college ball. And married a
debutante. And been rich and happy. (LOOKS AT PEGGY) But, things worked out just great
anyway. I have no complaints. Oh, God.
(HE PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. KELLY AND BUD ENTER)
BUD Hey, Dad.
AL Leave old Dad alone for a few minutes, will you, kids?
BUD This is important, Dad. We were checking the house for food and we found an empty spider
web and a beer can nearby. Anything you want to tell us?
PEGGY Daddy's heaving a breakdown, kids. But good news. Daddy agreed to take me to the reunion
tomorrow night. It's going to be great. Dancing, old friends, food...
KELLY (SARCASTIC) We're so happy for you, Mom. By the way, while you're queening, what are we
supposed to eat?
PEGGY Okay, kids. I was saving this for a surprise, but... I have some orange flavored baby
aspirin in the medicine cabinet upstairs.
KELLY (EXCITEDLY) Thanks, Mom.
BUD You want the cotton, Dad?
AL (MUSES) Two stinkin' inches.
(THE KIDS SHRUG AND RUSH UPSTAIRS. PEGGY HAPPILY SITS NEXT TO AL AND HUGS HIM)
INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM - NIGHT
MUSIC CUE: SWEET SOUL MUSIC
(A BAD VERSION IS BEING PLAYED BY "THE WHY": A GROUP OF FORTY-ISH MEN WHO ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT, AND
BAD. THEIR DRUMMER WEARS TEN RINGS. A CUTE GO GO GIRL DANCES IN A CAGE, LIKE ON THE SHOW
"HULLABALOO". THE ROOM IS FULL OF POLK HIGH REUNION CELEBRANTS)
LEAD SI (SINGING VERY BADLY AND VERY WHITELY AND SLIGHTLY SLOW) DO YOU LIKE GOOD MUSIC? YEAH,
YEAH. SWEET SOUL MUSIC? YEAH, YEAH. THAT MOVIN' AND A GROOVIN'. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. OH,
YEAH. SPOTLIGHT ON JAMES BROWN Y'ALL. HE'S THE KING OF THEM ALL, YA'LL. OH YEAH. OH YEAH.
(SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY DANCE TO THIS. THE SONG ENDS WITH A GUITAR CHORD. AL AND PEGGY ENTER)
PEGGY This is going to be so much fun.
AL (MUTTERS) Two lousy inches.
PEGGY Al, you've got the rest of your life to be depressed. But this should be a happy night
for both of us. Now, just get out of my way so my friends can recognize me.
(LONG BEAT. PEOPLE WALK BY WITHOUT RECOGNIZING PEGGY. SHE THINKS A BEAT, THEN COVERS HER MOUTH
AND DISGUISES HER VOICE)
PEGGY Hey look! There's Peggy Bundy! I mean Peggy Wanker! Doesn't she look great!
(WOMEN RUN OVER TO PEGGY. THE WOMEN WALLA "PEGGY! PEGGY! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT", ETC.)
EDNA Peggy! Peggy Wanker. You look excatly the same. Whatever happened to that good looking
sex machine you were sporting around town?
(AL CLEARS HIS THROAT AND LOOKS COCKY)
EDNA You know. Phil Fleming.
PEGGY While some were jumping over cars, Phil wasted his time studying and went on to become a
self-made millionaire. On the other hand, meet my husband, Al.
EDNA Of course. Al Bundy. You look the same too, Al. What a shame.
AL How's it goin', Edna? You don't look a day over, what, a thousand? How do you do it?
(PEGGY ELBOWS HIM)
PEGGY Oh, ignore him, much like success has.
(AL STARTS TO LEAVE. SHE GRABS HIM AND STOPS HIM)
PEGGY So everybody, do I have your votes for Reunion Queen?
VICKY Of course you do.
(THEY ALL WALLA AGREEMENT)
VICKY But you didn't have to call me all the way in New Mexico just to ask.
VICKY That must have cost you a fortune.
PEGGY (PROUDLY) Two thousand dollar phone bill that month.
(THE WOMEN "OOH", IMPRESSED)
VICKY Al, you must really be raking it in.
AL Hey, that two grand is a drop in the bucket compared to what I owe.
EDNA Peggy, have you checked your votes? That Nancy Bender has been working the room.
PEGGY Just like the old times. She's probably pretty popular. You can hardly buy anything for
a nickel anymore.
(THE GIRLS LAUGH CATTILY)
VICKY Well, I'm gonna go circulate. See you girls later. Peggy, you keep taking care of that
PEGGY He's my whole life.
(AL TURNS TO LOOK AROUND. THERE IS AN IRON-SHAPED BURN MARK ON THE BACK OF HIS SUIT. NANCY WALKS
UP. SHE TAPS PEGGY ON THE SHOULDER)
NANCY Excuse me ma'am. I'd like to order a drink. Peggy? "Peggy Wanker, don't bother to
PEGGY Nancy? "Nancy Bender, suck the chrome off a fender"? Hi!
(THEY FAKE SMILES AND LAUGHTER)
NANCY Al. You are looking fantastic. Do you remember me, Al?
AL Yeah, but, wow, what happened?
AL I mean, you look different standing up.
(NANCY GIGGLES GIRLISHLY)
NANCY He was always a charmer. So what are you doing these days, Al?
PEGGY (PROUDLY) He's a garbage man. What about you Nancy? Are you married, or still working
your way West?
(THEY FAKE SMILES, LAUGHTER)
NANCY Oh, I'm married. Honey!
(JACK RESPONDS TO HER CALL, JOINS THEM)
NANCY You remember Jack, don't you?
(AL AND JACK UNCONSCIOUSLY START TO CIRCLE ONE ANOTHER)
JACK Al. You're looking good.
AL You too, Jack.
JACK Wanna go outside?
(AL SMILES, NODS. THEY START AWAY. PEGGY STOPS AL)
PEGGY Not now boys! This is a reunion! No need to take up exactly where we left off! If we
did that, Nancy'd be in the coat room with the band.
NANCY Peggy, did you hear the good news? I'm going to be Reunion Queen. Care to be my Hag
PEGGY Nancy. You're wrong. Much as you're wrong in thinking women don't need deodorant.
(THEY START TO CIRCLE)
PEGGY I'm going to be Reunion Queen tonight. Check your numbers, baby. I'm ahead by a cool
three votes. I know. I called everywhere in the Enflish-speaking world.
NANCY That was your mistake. Well, that and that dress. (CALLS OFF) Oh, Sumo! See, Peggy, I
think you forgot our foreign exchange students.
(FOUR JAPANESE WOMEN JOIN THEM)
NANCY Remember the Yoshiro sisters? Well, I flew them in from Tokyo. By the way, Sumo? Who are
you voting for?
SUMO She who hold our passports.
(THE YOSHIROS BOW AND EXIT. NANCY SMILES AND LAUGHS AT PEGGY. PEGGY TURNS BACK TO AL, WHO IS
CIRCLING WITH JACK)
PEGGY Al, did you hear that? I'm not going to be Reunion Queen.
AL (OBLIVIOUS, TO JACK) Nice suit.
JACK Nice tie.
AL Wanna go outside?
(PEGGY POUTS AS NANCY GLOATS)
END OF ACT TWO
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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