FINAL DRAFT SCRIPT:
THE HOUSE THAT PEG LOST
March 16, 1989
MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
"THE HOUSE THAT PEG LOST"
Michael G. Moye
AN ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION
AL BUNDY ...................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ................. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ................. AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ................... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ..................... DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ................. MIKE, THE DOG
WORKMAN ....................... Jonathan Coogan
TV ANNOUNCER #1 (O.S.) ........
LAUREN ........................ Allison Barron
TASHA ......................... Tracy Justrich
KAREN ......................... Kristen Pearcey
CHARLENE ...................... Laurie Plaksin
TV ANNOUNCER #2 (O.S.) ........
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
(AL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV)
SFX: TV ON
(HIS HAND IS DOWN HIS PANTS. A CAN OF BEER IS ON THE COFFEE TABLE)
TV ANN1 (O.S.) ... where glamour meets Dame Fortune, here we are at "The Luckiest Men On
Earth" party! And look! Isn't that Joe Piscopo at poolside?
(AL TURNS OFF THE TV)
SFX: TV OFF
(HE PICKS UP THE BEER AND TAKES A SIP. PEGGY ENTERS FROM THE LAUNDRY ROOM. SHE HAS A CIGARETTE)
PEGGY Al, have you seen my ash tray? Oh, there it is.
(SHE DUMPS HER CIGARETTE IN THE BEER CAN. AL REACTS)
AL I thought it tasted like your hamburgers.
PEGGY (MODESTLY) It's an old family recipe. Of course Mom made them a little different.
She chewed tobacco.
AL Yeah. I remember her lemonade.
(KELLY ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)
KELLY Mom, Dad... I love you.
(AL AND PEGGY DIG FOR MONEY)
KELLY No. I already took some, thanks. I just wanted to remind you, tomorrow is the big
day. So thanks for letting me have a pajama party.
AL Oh, no. You're not having a pajama party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last
one you had.
KELLY Daddy, I was eight.
AL Yes, but the Judge wanted to try you as an adult.
(BEAT. SHE TURNS TO PEGGY)
KELLY Thank you, Mom, for letting me have a pajama party.
PEGGY You're welcome.
AL Oh, no. I'm not gonna sit here and let you two make my decisions for me. That's how
we had Bud.
KELLY Hey, If you'll remember, I was the first to say let's throw him back. But you
promised I could have another pajama party. It's right here in black and white.
(SHE PULLS OUT A TATTERED PIECE OF PAPER)
KELLY (READ) "Absolutely no parties involving pajamas, music, or shaving Daddy's head while
he sleeps, until you're sixteen". Signed, your father, God help me. Al Bundy.
AL You can't hold me to that. I thought I'd be dead by now.
KELLY Well, the joke's on you, Dad.
PEGGY Well, actually the joke's on me... (LOOKS AT AL) ... but not very often.
(BUD ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)
BUD Hey, Kell. Word through the peephole in the girls' shower room is that you're having
a pajama party. Is this true? Girls. Here? In pajamas?
KELLY Bud, please, your pimple is squirting me. Mom, please, it's girls only. Can't you
send him somewhere? Like Steve and Marcy's. The zoo. The feeb tank at Marineland.
PEGGY Bud, while Kelly's having her party, you'll stay in your room. You're only allowed
out for dinner, which means you'll be in your room.
KELLY Oh, come on, Bud. Just pretend it's a normal Saturday night. Turn down the lights,
play some soft music, and dial 1-800-NO-DATE.
BUD No, Kell. If it was a normal Saturday night, I'd be busy selling low numbers to the
guys lined up under your window.
KELLY Eat toe rot.
BUD Lick road kill.
(BUD EXITS UPSTAIRS)
AL Y'know, I'm getting hungry.
KELLY Thanks, Mom. By the way, on party night, I want you two in your room by seven. And no
coming out during the party. If my friends knew what you looked like, I'd die.
(KELLY EXITS UPSTAIRS)
AL Peg, this is my house. I pay for it, I live in it, and I like to feel I can roam
around it like any other desperate, caged animal. What am I supposed to do locked in
a room with you all night?
PEGGY (SEXILY) Well, I too have a promissory note you signed when Kelly was eight.
AL Hey. You told me that I was to never have to do it again.
PEGGY Next time, read the small print. (LOOKS AT HIM) I do.
AL Oh, please let this be a bullet with my name on it.
(HE OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE AND MARCY)
AL It's never what I want.
MARCY We love you guys.
AL Trapped between a rock and a horny place. What do you want?
MARCY We just wanted to say how we felt. (BEAT) Oh. And ask if you'd watch our house
for us while we're in New York. Oh, Peggy, Steve is taking me to the theater, and
then we're going to check into a little hotel we know...
STEVE (PROUD) It's not really little. It's two hundred a night.
(THEY NUZZLE AND KISS)
PEGGY How come you don't take me to a hotel, Al?
AL 'Cause you'd just find your way home.
MARCY Look. We stopped the mail, cancelled the paper, put the plants in the bathtub. All
you have to do is let the plumber in to fix our sink. (THEN) Oh, Steve, now that I
hear myself say it, I'm not sure they can do it.
STEVE (SOTTO) Marcy, it's so easy a chimp can do it. Unfortunately we couldn't find a
chimp, so we lower our standards and go with these two.
(STEVE GIVES PEGGY THE KEY)
STEVE Here you go. Oh, and if a chimp comes by, tell him we couldn't wait any longer.
AL Have a nice time. Enjoy the play, have a safe trip, and don't worry about a thing.
(THEN) Okay, they're gone. Take the key. It's time to loot.
(THEY EXIT EXCITEDLY)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY
(AL AND PEGGY ENTER, CARRYING ARMLOADS OF BLANKETS AND STUFF FROM STEVE AND MARCY'S HOUSE)
AL Y'know, you can learn a lot about people going through their safe. I wonder if Steve
knows the house is only in Marcy's name.
PEGGY I wonder if Marcy knows Steve's mother is the beneficiary of his life insurance.
AL Well, we don't have much, but at least we don't keep secrets from each other.
PEGGY You said it, Al.
(THEY BOTH TURN AWAY AND LOOK GUILY. KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS)
BUD Come on, Kell. I cleaned your room. I alphabetized your albums. I even put an "Over
One Million Served" sign on the wall by your bed. Now can I stay for your pajama
KELLY No, pus bomb, you can't.
BUD C'mon, Kelly. I'm not gonna touch anything. I just want to say hello, ask how it's
goin', watch their moist, nubile young bodies as they gently...
KELLY Mom, can't the vet neuter him or put him to sleep or something?
PEGGY Bud, you'll stay in your room.
BUD (DEFIANTLY) Spell it.
(BUD EXITS. KELLY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN AND LOOKS IN THE REFRIGERATOR)
PEGGY (SIGHS) Gee, Al, they grow up so fast.
AL Yeah. Kelly's a young woman. Bud's a Peeping Tom. Where does the time go?
KELLY Daddy, we don't have any food.
AL My underwear has no elastic. Take it up with June Cleaver over there.
PEGGY Hey, who died and made me Mom?
AL I was being selfish again, wasn't I, June? Well, I'm going shopping. If I'm not back
in four days, eat without me. And if I do come back, call a doctor, 'cause
obviously I don't know who I am.
PEGGY Fine. While you're out, pick me up some panty hose and some industrial size "Roid-Be-
Gone" for Mom.
AL I'm dead. Why don't I fall down?
(AS HE EXITS HE OPENS THE DOOR TO A WORKMAN)
AL (TO WORKMAN) If you're a kidnapper, don't forget the little male child upstairs. Have
a nice day.
WORKMAN Excuse me, Ma'am. I'm looking for a... (READS THE WORK ORDER) "Steve's Roadhouse?"
PEGGY Next door. Here's the key. And if you get thirsty, there's some good wine under a
false tile in the bathroom.
WORKMAN Like I wouldn't have found it anyway.
(THEY LAUGH. HE EXITS)
PEGGY (SIGHS) Work, work. Work.
(PEGGY CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS. KELLY SITS NEXT TO HER ON THE COUCH)
KELLY Hey, Mom. Y'know, the house is kind of dirty for my party. You think Dad'll have
time to clean it?
PEGGY Of course he will. (HAPPILY) It's his day off.
(THEY BOTH PUT THEIR FEET ON THE COFFEE TABLE. PEGGY REACHES FOR THE REMOTE CONTROL)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY
(PEGGY IS WATCHING TV)
SFX: TV ON
TV ANN2 (O.S.) Today on Oprah. "Men: Herd 'em up, kill 'em all."
(AL ENTERS. HE CARRIES A BAG. PEGGY TURNS OFF THE TV)
SFX: TV OFF
AL How ya doin', Peg? Y'know, we oughta get a little motor for the couch, so you can
putter around the living room during commercials.
PEGGY I do plenty around here. Who do you think put that bullseye on the toilet for you?
(BEAT) Oh, and I let the plumber in for Steve and Marcy.
AL (OFF-HANDEDLY) They'll be so happy. By the way, did you know their house is gone?
PEGGY What do you mean "Gone"?
AL Like hauled away, empty, y'know, was there this morning, not there now. Gone.
(SHE GOES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT)
PEGGY Oh, Al, Steve and Marcy's house is gone.
AL Nothin' gets by you, does it, Peg? Except a house.
END OF ACT ONE
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A SHORT TIME LATER
(AL AND PEGGY ARE ON THE COUCH. BUD IS ON THE PHONE)
AL Peg, how could they move a whole house and you not hear it?
PEGGY Well, it was kinda noisy out there, so I just stuffed cotton in my ears like I did
when the kids were teething. Hey I know. Maybe the plumber had to take it to the
shop. You don't think Steve and Marcy will be mad about this, do you?
AL I dunno. They're awful moody people. Look, who knows? Maybe they'll come back, see
the hole and say, "It's the ditch we always dreamed of."
BUD Well, I found it. Here's the information.
(HE HANDS AL A PIECE OF PAPER)
BUD They can have it back in two, three days, tops. Depending on traffic.
PEGGY They're gonna kill us, Al. They get mad when we take their garbage cans. Bud, go put
their garbage cans back. Y'know, as a show of good faith.
AL Bring the lids, too. They may be living in 'em and they say it's gonna rain tomorrow.
PEGGY I just know they're gonna throw this up to me next time I try to borrow something.
AL Don't worry, Peg. They're not due back till tomorrow. A lot can happen in one day. I
remember one time, I was happy, I was healthy, I had money in my pocket. Then in one
day, Bam, I lost it all. That was the day I married you, Peg.
PEGGY Oh, Al. (SHE KISSES HIM) You really think Steve and Marcy will forgive me?
AL I never have.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THE NEXT NIGHT)
(AL AND PEGGY COME DOWNSTAIRS. THEY CARRY SUITCASES. KELLY COMES WITH THEM.)
PEGGY Have a nice party, honey. We'll be at Grandma's for a week or so. When Steve and
Marcy come back home they're probably going to ask where their house is. But if they
don't bring it up, you don't bring it up. No boys at the party, now.
(SHE KISSES HER. SHE HEADS UPSTAIRS)
KELLY (MUTTERS) Boy, you make one mistake when you're eight years old and they never let
you forget it.
AL Hey, Peg. I got a way out of this. We bring your mother here, wedge her into Steve
and Marcy's foundation, drop a roof on her, and the only thing they'll wonder is
why their house smells so bad. Of course, they'll probably appreciate the extra room.
SFX: CAR PULLING UP
PEGGY It's them. They're home early. Boy, they're gonna be in a foul mood. I hope they're
not gonna come over here.
AL What are they doing?
PEGGY Well, they're looking at their hole. Now they're looking at our house... now their
hole. Yep, I knew it. Here they come. I just know they're going to blame us.
AL Who is it?
STEVE (O.S.) Open up in there.
AL Oh, Steve. Look, I'd love to talk to you, but I know you're tired from your trip,
and all, so why don't you just turn in and we'll chat tomorrow. Sleep tight.
(STEVE POUNDS ON THE DOOR)
AL Who is it?
(BEAT, THEN WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE DOOR BEING KICKED. IT OPENS TO STEVE AND A COMATOSE
AL Hey, Steve. That's pretty rude. A man's home is his castle.
STEVE Well, ours is a moat, Al. What did you do to our house?
AL Relax, Steve. Tell us about your trip first.
STEVE (BITTER) You want to hear about our trip? Okay. I'll tell you about our trip.
(CROSSES TO THE COUCH, SETS MARCY DOWN)
STEVE First they lost our luggage. Then our hotel reservations. And the play we wanted to
see stunk, and I didn't get any sleep. Why? Because all the good heating grates
were taken, so we came home. You have anything to tell us?
AL Well, Kelly's going to have a party. Bud's been doing well in school...
STEVE Where's our house, Al?
AL It's a chicken restaurant in Waukeegan. See, you didn't think we'd know, did you?
PEGGY This is so funny. See, a guy came and asked for Steve's Road House. I thought he
wanted Steve Rhoades' house. Then one thing led to another and they took your house
away. (BRIGHTLY) Oh, look. Marcy's coming to.
MARCY I had this awful dream. I dreamt I was Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz". Peggy, you
were there. You were all there. Peggy, you were the good witch; Al, you were looking
for a brain; and Steve, you were Don Johnson, naked. Then a train went through a
tunnel and our house was gone. Oh, well, I'm feeling better now. (TO PEGGY) Did you
remember to let the plumber in?
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - EVENING
(AL AND PEGGY ARE HANDING STEVE AND MARCY BLANKETS. STEVE AND MARCY HUDDLE ON THE SOFA, SHE'S
DRESSED IN ONE OF PEGGY'S TACKIEST FEATHERED PEIGNOIRS. HE WEARS BAGGY SWEAT PANTS AND A
T-SHIRT MARKED "I'M MARRIED. SHOOT ME")
MARCY Oh, Steve... we're homeless!
(STEVE ARRANGES THE BLANKET AROUND THEM)
STEVE Not really, Marcy. We have our VCR, our blankets, and everything else they could
strap on their backs and haul over here. So except for our actual house, we're as
close to home as you can be.
MARCY Well, I'm happy as long as I have you.
STEVE (RUEFULLY) Yeah. Right. Goodnight, honey.
KELLY (O.S.) They're here! They're here!
(KELLY, IN HER PAJAMAS, BOUNDS DOWN THE STAIRS AND GOES TO THE DOOR. STEVE AND MARCY BOLT UP)
STEVE Who...? What...?
(KELLY OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. FIVE SIXTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS; LAUREN, TASHA, KAREN, CHARLENE,
AND AN EXTRA, POUR IN, ALL TALKING AT ONCE. DIN OF BABBLE. STEVE AND MARCY CLUTCH THEIR
BLANKETS. THE GIRLS CARRY RECORDS, PIZZA, MANICURING SETS, ETC. THEY REMOVE THEIR COATS.
THEY'RE ALL WEARING BABY-DOLLS AND OTHER CUTE SLEEPWEAR)
LAUREN Gee, Kell, who are the old people?
TASHA Is this your Mom and Dad?
KELLY (APALLED) Oh, God, no. It's just the neighbors. They live in the empty lot next
TASHA (LOUD WHISPER) They look dirty.
(THEY ALL STARE AT STEVE AND MARCY. STEVE AND MARCY LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE)
INT. AL AND PEGGY'S BEDROOM - EVENING
(AL AND PEGGY ARE IN BED. AL APPEARS TO BE SLEEPING. PEGGY STARES AT HIM)
PEGGY Al, who do you think you're fooling. I just saw you get in bed.
(AL GIVES THREE QUICK SNORTS)
PEGGY Let's go, Al.
AL Aw, Peg. I'm just not comfortable foolin' around with other people in the house.
Y'know, Steve, Marcy, the kids, you.
PEGGY Shut up and pleasure me.
(AL MOANS. STEVE AND MARCY ENTER)
AL Steve. Marcy. Good to see you. Look, Peg. It's Steve and Marcy.
PEGGY Don't you two have a home? Oops. Sorry.
AL So what's going on?
STEVE Your daughter threw us out of the living room. We need a place to sleep. So we came
PEGGY They couldn't have come one minute later. It would have been all over but the
promises of a better performance next time.
(SHE BURIES HER FACE IN THE PILLOW)
AL Don't mind her. I'm glad to see you kids. Stay as long as you want.
STEVE Thanks, Al.
(SPREADING THEIR BLANKETS ON THE FLOOR)
STEVE We're suing you, you know.
AL Fine. Take it all, I've had too much for too long.
MARCY Oh, Let's just go to bed, so this day of a thousand deaths can end.
(THEY SETTLE IN ON THE FLOOR AT THE FOOT OF THE BED. THEY SIGH CONTENTEDLY)
MUSIC CUE: LOUD ROCK MUSIC O.S.
MARCY Oh, this is horrible. I just can't take it anymore.
STEVE Don't worry, Marcy. Our house will be back tomorrow.
MARCY Not that. I smell Al's feet.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
(THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING. THE GIRLS ARE PAINTING TOENAILS, GIVING EACH OTHER FACIALS, ETC.
BUCK IS LYING ON THE FLOOR. HE HAS TWO PINK CURLERS ON HIS HEAD)
TASHA Can you believe Charlene? What a loser. God I hate her.
LAUREN She's so phony.
KELLY And a fat-thighed slimy pig. You notice she didn't bring a toothbrush.
(CHARLENE ENTERS FROM AL'S BATHROOM)
KELLY Oh, hi Charlene! You look great. Dynamite smell.
TASHA My turn.
(TASHA EXITS TO AL's BATHROOM. THEN:)
KELLY God, I hate her. She talks behind everybody's back.
(THEY ALL NOD AND WALLA HOW BAD SHE LOOKS. BUD SAUNTERS DOWN THE STAIRS IN HIS SMOKING
JACKET. HE CARRIES A PIPE, JAUNTILY. HE IS GRAY AROUND THE TEMPLES)
BUD (DRIPPING WITH SOPHISTICATION) Good evening, ladies. Just a reminder. When you get
tired of the endless drone of girlish chatter, step up to pleasure. Step up to Club
KELLY Get out of here, you little she-male.
LAUREN No, that's okay. Let him stay. I think he's cute.
BUD (SMUG) You and the rest of the world, baby.
(LAUREN WINKS AT THE OTHER GIRLS. SHE PATS THE COUCH NEXT TO HER. BUD SITS)
LAUREN Oh, Bud... you drive me crazy.
(SHE STROKES HIS HAIR. BUD'S HORMONES GO INTO OVERDRIVE. HIS LEG STARTS TWITCHING)
LAUREN Let me give you something special. Close your eyes.
(BUD DOES. THE GIRLS PUT A CURLER IN HIS HAIR UNDER THE GUISE OF PLAYING WITH IT. KELLY
BRINGS BUCK OVER. SHE MOTIONS TO LAUREN)
LAUREN Pucker up, baby.
(BUD DOES. BUCK GIVES HIM A KISS)
BUD Come on, baby! Give me all you got!
(HE OPENS HIS EYES. THE GIRLS BEGIN TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. BUD REACTS)
BUD Okay, Hah hah. Another fine example of bimbo wit. Well, I'm done. Finished. I'm
KELLY Before you go, can you say, "I'm drinking milk. And one day I'm going to be big and
BUD Tee hee, Kell. Oh, by the way... (PULL SOME PAPER SCRAPS FROM HIS POCKET) I almost
forgot. There were some messages for you. (GLANCES AT PAPERS) Dan Peterson called. He
said tomorrow night behind the Seven-Eleven will be fine.
KELLY (NERVOUSLY) Uh, Bud, I don't think anyone wants to hear...
LAUREN Dan Peterson! That's my boyfriend!
BUD Oh, is he? Gee, Kelly thinks he's hers. Anyway, Kell, Greg Barnett called, too. You
have a date, Tuesday. And wear something tight.
TASHA Wait a minute! I'm dating Greg.
BUD Uh oh. (READS ANOTHER NOTE) And, let's see... whose boyfriend is Bobby Brocatto?
(KAREN AND CHARLENE GLARE AT EACH OTHER)
BUD Well, you guys have a lot to talk about. Goodnight.
(HE HEADS TO THE STAIRS AND SITS TO WATCH. KAREN AND CHARLENE BEGIN A LOUD AD-LIB ARGUMENT,
AND THE OTHER GIRLS BEGIN TO ADVANCE ON KELLY, HISSING EPITHETS)
TASHA (TO KELLY) You're seeing my Greg?
LAUREN And Dan?
KELLY Well, I wasn't gonna keep 'em.
(KELLY GETS MAD AND POPS LAUREN WITH A RIGHT. LAUREN GOES BACK ON THE COUCH. A HAIR PULLING
BREAKS OUT. BUD HUMS ON THE STAIRS, TAKES OUT A CAMERA AND SNAPS SOME PICTURES OF THE FIGHT.
A BRA FULL OF TOILET PAPER GOES BY HIS HEAD)
BUD Yum yum, gimme some.
(THE GIRLS FIGHT ON)
INT. AL AND PEGGY'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
(STEVE AND MARCY ARE STILL ON THE FLOOR. AL SNORES. AL'S BARE FEET LOOM ABOVE THEIR HEADS.
THEY LOOK. STEVE PULLS THE COVERS OVER THEM)
MARCY How can he get that smell with only ten toes?
STEVE Go to sleep, Marcy.
MARCY I can't Steve. I'm just so upset. I miss our little house.
STEVE I know, Marcy. We'll get it back, Angel Cups.
MARCY You haven't called me Angel Cups in a long time, Sugar Tush.
(THEY SNUGGLE. AL AND PEGGY SIT UP AND PEER AT THEM IN WONDER)
STEVE Remember what I said when we didn't think we could afford a house? We need no home.
Our love is shelter enough against all storms.
MARCY Man, thy name is Steve.
(DURING THE FOLLOWING, AL AND PEGGY GATHER UP THEIR BLANKET AND PILLOWS)
STEVE And love, thy name is Marcy. The warmth of your arms is my hearth.
MARCY And your strong arms are my support beams.
STEVE And your lips are my doorways to heaven.
MARCY And your blue eyes are the window to my world.
STEVE And your hair...
(AL AND PEGGY EXIT)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
(THE FIGHT RAGES ON. AL AND PEGGY COME DOWNSTAIRS)
BUD Where are you guys goin'?
AL To sleep in the hole, Bud.
PEGGY Goodnight, kids. Oh, Kelly.
(KELLY PICKS HER HEAD UP. HANDS ARE AROUND HER THROAT)
PEGGY Remember, no boys.
KELLY (CHOKED) Okay, Mom.
PEGGY Good girl.
(THEY OPEN THE DOOR)
PEGGY It's raining, Al.
AL Perfect. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.
(THEY TURN OUT THE LIGHT AND EXIT)
END OF ACT TWO
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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