REQUIEM FOR A DEAD BARBER
AL BUNDY .................. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ............... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHAODES ............. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ............. AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ............... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ................. DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ............. MIKE, THE DOG
RUSS ...................... GARRETT MORRIS
NORRIS .................... FRANK LLOYD
BARNEY .................... STEVE SUSSKIND
MR. ADONIS ................ KENNY SACHA
LOUIE ..................... VITO D'AMBROSIO
CUTTER, MR. RON ........... STEVEN LEVY
MURPHY .................... CHARLIE
FRAN ...................... STACY ALDEN
MALE CUSTOMER, EDUARDO .... HARRY HART-BROWNE
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(PEGGY ENTERS, WEARING PEGGY FUNERAL GARB. SHE TURNS, FACING THE DOOR, AND WAITS)
PEGGY It was a nice funeral, wasn't it, Al? (BEAT) Come on, honey. (GESTURES) Come on.
(AL ENTERS, WEARING A SUIT AND HOLDING A HANDKERCHIEF)
AL He's dead, Peg. He's dead. What am I gonna do now?
PEGGY Easy, Al. Nobody lives forever.
AL I thought he would.
PEGGY He had a nice full life. Now be strong, Al. You're just going to have to face the fact. Your
barber is dead.
(AL SOBS A BIT. THEY SIT ON THE COUCH)
AL Why did it have to be him, who meant so much to so many? Why couldn't it have been somebody
nobody would have missed? A wretch of a human being. Why couldn't it have been your mother?
(HE SOBS AGAIN)
PEGGY Well, I'm sure there is still someone alive who can cut all twelve of your remaining hairs for
a buck and a quarter.
AL It wasn't the money, Peg. Tony knew my hair. And he cared. Remember that time I had that bad
case of dandruff in eighty-three?
PEGGY (FONDLY) Yeah. I remember the whole family gathered some coal, and a carrot, and we made
frosty the dandruff man.
AL Tony was there to hold my hand through that rough time. Going to Tony was a family
tradition. My father went to him. I went to him. I took Bud to him. Until the other kids
started calling Bud "The Bowl Head". God, it broke my heart when Bud refused to go. I had to tell
Tony Bud died. We wept together. That's the kind of guy Tony was. Everybody loved him.
(BUD ENTERS, IN HIS SUIT)
BUD Sorry I'm late, but I wanted to wait till they packed the dirt over the old butcher.
AL That old butcher cried when you died, Bud.
BUD I'll bet he did. Who else would let him put a cereal bowl on their head while he said, "I'm
a-gonna make-a you look-a like Sinatra"?
PEGGY Bud, your father's right. We should show a little respect, even for the hated dead. And like my
mother said when I married your father, "If you can't feel it, fake it."
AL Yeah, and if you don't care anymore, marry it. Now, I'd like a moment of silence for my barber.
(AL BOWS HIS HEAD. BUD GOES TO MAKE A SANDWICH, PUSHING PAST AL)
BUD Excuse me.
AL (ANNOYED) Amen.
(KELLY ENTERS, HAPPILY. SHE WEARS A BRIGHTLY COLORED MINI-SKIRT)
KELLY (LIGHTLY) Well, now that Tony's worm food, I can get out of these funeral clothes.
Oh, Dad, you know how I've been bothering you about a sports car? Well, forget it. I want a
hearse. I was just cruising around the cemetery with Boris, the driver. Oh God, was it cool.
Friday night, he's taking me out and he promised to have a real dead body in it. But mom
said it's wrong to use a guy for his hearse, so can I have one of my own? Please?
(AL LOOKS AT PEGGY)
PEGGY Well, Al, she has been doing better in school.
AL Why am I thinking they buried the wrong guy?
PEGGY Cheer up, honey. Your day will come.
KELLY (TO AL) And when it does, you'll be glad we have that hearse.
(KELLY OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE AND MARCY)
STEVE Al. I know you were at a funeral and all, so this might be a bad time to bring this up, but...
did you happen to come into our yard in the middle of the night and steal all our roses?
AL Steve, I've never been so insulted in my life.
STEVE Well, then I guess this isn't your watch.
(AL CHECKS HIS WRIST AND REACTS)
MARCY So, who died? A close family member?
AL Nah. Worse. My barber. It hit me pretty hard, too. Now who am I gonna get to cut my hair?
MARCY Well, why don't you just do what you do with your lawn? Park your car on it and let it die.
(MARCY SMILES SWEETLY)
AL Thanks, Marce, but much like the hair on your legs, I need the help of a trained professional.
STEVE Look, Al. Why don't you just go to my barber?
(AL LOOKS AT STEVE'S HEAD)
AL Well, thanks, Steve. But I still care how I look.
BUD Hey, Dad. Why don't you just go to Kelly's guy? Mr. Albino.
(KELLY PUTS HER ARM AROUND BUD'S SHOULDER)
KELLY Or you could always go to Bud's guy at the Pimple Emporium. Ask for Mr. Squeeze-It.
(BUD BRUSHES HER OFF)
AL (TO STEVE AND MARCY) Look how I live.
PEGGY C'mon, Al. The kids will think you're serious. Honey, you're making a big thing over
nothing. Usually you're a big thing who makes nothing.
PEGGY Anyway, you can get your hair cut anywhere. There are thousands of stylists in this
AL Yeah, stylists. I want a barber. With a barber pole. With an old dog that lays on the floor
and scratches and bites at his fleas. Where am I gonna see a sight like that again, Peg?
PEGGY Look next to me while I'm sleeping.
MARCY Al, why don't you just find some guy with good hair and ask him where he gets it cut?
AL Sure. I'll compliment him on his great hair, and then he'll compliment me on my bedroom eyes, and we'll
live together and make terrariums. I'm going upstairs to be alone with my grief.
PEGGY Well, make sure to pull up the Airwick.
(AL EXITS UPSTAIRS. BUD LEADS BUCK TO THE DOOR BY HIS LEASH)
BUD Well, I gave Buck a nice big dish of water. Now I'm gonna take him for a walk on Tony's grave. He
didn't get to go to the funeral, but I know he wants to say goodbye in his own special way.
(BUD PATS BUCK. THEY EXIT)
PEGGY He's quite a little guy, isn't he?
MARCY Gee, All seems to be taking this pretty badly. Death is something you're never really prepared
PEGGY Well, it does make you think. I mean, one minute you're in perfect health, and then the next
minute, poof, Al's dead. Gee, and I'd be left with no income and no insurance. What would I do?
STEVE Get a job?
PEGGY No, I said what would I do? I mean, of course, I would remarry, but that could take up to nine months.
And what if Al didn't die 'til I was in my forties. Then where would I be?
MARCY Well, thank God Steve cares enough to get insurance. (PROUDLY) Why, he's worth more dead than
he is alive.
PEGGY Well, so is Al, you know, what with food stamps and welfare and all. (BEAT) How much is yours worth dead?
MARCY A cool mill.
(THEY STARE AT STEVE. HE SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY)
PEGGY What I could do with a million dollars. Hey, Marcy, knowing he's worth that much, have you
ever, late at night, while he's sleeping, thought about...
(SHE WHISPERS IN MARCY'S EAR AND MAKES A THROAT CUTTING GESTURE. THEY GIGGLE. STEVE SWALLOWS AND
MARCY But, all this is pie in the sky. Peggy, you really should get insurance for Al.
STEVE Uh, honey, I thought I was only insured for two hundred and fifty thousand.
MARCY Steve, please, this is girl talk. (TO PEGGY) I know an insurance group that not only will insure
you over the phone, but will also raise your coverage without your husband even knowing.
STEVE I thought we were going to discuss things that affect us both.
MARCY This doesn't affect you, Steve. You'll be dead. Anyhow, Peggy, all you need is for Al to give
a sample of his blood and urine and you're home.
PEGGY Well, the urine would be easy. I could just put a little cup five feet from the bowl,
but the blood is gonna be tough. I could use a million though.
(MARCY GLANCES AT STEVE)
MARCY We all could.
MARCY Well, we have to go. Steve has to sweep out the gutters and I'm going to hold the ladder
(THEY START OUT)
STEVE (WEAKLY) I love you, Marcy.
MARCY That's nice, dear.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING
(PEGGY IS AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, FILLING OUT AN INSURANCE FORM)
PEGGY (WRITING) First name: Al. Last name: Bundy. Sex: not worth mentioning.
(AL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS. HE HAS A BANDAID ON HIS NECK)
AL Peg, the darndest thing. When I woke up, my neck was bleeding, and there was a jar between
PEGGY Well, uh, maybe you dreamt you were making preserves.
AL Yeah, that must be it.
(AL SITS AT THE TABLE)
AL Peg, who am I going to get my hair cut? I called all my friends last night.
PEGGY What did he say?
AL He said, "Yep, I'm still in San Quentin for killing the wife, but it was worth it." And the rest
of them said that they're gonna start going to... (DISTASTEFULLY) ... salons. Peg, these are
plumbers, construction workers, auto mechanics...
PEGGY Oh. Unlike you, skilled illiterates.
PEGGY C'mon, honey. What's wrong with going to salons?
AL Do they have regular checker games in salons, Peg? Do they run the numbers in salons, Peg? Will
they laugh in a salon when you say, "What do women and dog doody have in common? The older
they get, the easier they are to pick up." Will they, Peg?
PEGGY Probably not, Al.
AL Then I'm not going. And I'll tell you something else. I need a place that'll cut my nose
hairs. Tony would. He was the greatest. (REVERENTLY) He would really get in there. Will a
salon cut my nose hair, Peg?
PEGGY Probably not, Al.
AL Then I'm not going.
PEGGY Then what are you gonna, Al?
AL Die broke, Peg. But first, I'm going to find a barber. A real man. A man who likes girls but hates women.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY - TWO MONTHS LATER
(AL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, HAND DOWN HIS PANTS. HIS HAIR IS LONG AFTER TWO
MONTHS OF GROWTH. PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, STARING AT HIM)
PEGGY Look at him, kids. He's worth a million dollars. (BEAT) Get a haricut, Al.
AL I'm not getting a hair cut until I find a barber.
PEGGY It's time, Al. Last night you were snoring and your nose hairs were going in and out like a
trombone. I'm afraid one day they're gonna reach out and suck in one of the kids.
(THE KIDS GULP IN FEAR)
AL Don't you think I want to get a haircut, Peg? Do you think I like fat guys in granny glasses
asking me if I like the new "Dead" album? But I'm trying to make a statement here. I'm saying let's
not let the barber disappear. God knows they've taken everything else away from us
in the so-called name of progress. They take the pinball machines and give you video games.
What do I care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building? Unless he's going up there to
throw off his wife - doesn't matter to me. I want flippers. I want steel balls. And I want my
BUD (TO PEGGY) Is he brain dead? 'Cause we just might be able to collect.
AL And cartoons. Has anybody here seen cartoons lately?
KELLY No. We're grown up, Dad.
AL Well, I have. And they stink. Peg, remember when a mouse could hit a cat over the head
with a frying pan and flatten his head? Now you know what they do? They go into therapy and
talk it out. And you know who's to blame? Women and pacifists. And you know where they go to
make my life miserable? Salons. Come on, family. Can't you get behind ol' dad on this one?
KELLY Well, we can't get in front of you. Your nose hairs would spear us.
AL That's it. Now, I never thought this would happen to me. Life has taken everything else
away from me, and I quit. That's it. I'm going to a salon. Wherever Tony is, I hope they
buried him face down, so he never has to live to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy is going to
get washed and blown.
(HE HEADS OUT)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. "MR. APOLLO'S HAIR OASIS" - DAY
(IT IS A VERY TRENDY SHOP. AL ENTERS. WE SEE HIS FACE, HORRIFIED, THEN HIS P.O.V. THROUGH A FISHEYE
LENS. WE SEE MEN WITH SCISSORS STARING AT HIM)
MR. RON Hi. Come in. Come in. What can we do for you?
(WE GO BACK TO AL'S FACE. AL SCREAMS. THEN MR. RON APPROACHES HIM)
MR. RON Ooh, a first timer. Now sit down. Relax. Someone will be with you in a minute.
(MR. RON MOVES OFF. AL IS SITTING NEXT TO ANOTHER MALE CUSTOMER, EDUARDO)
AL (TO EDUARDO) So what do you think about those Bears?
EDUARDO Well, if people wouldn't feed them, they wouldn't raid the campsites.
(AL STARES AT HIM A BEAT)
AL Yeah, that's what I think about the White Sox.
(AL SLOUCHES UNEASILY. HE PUTS HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS. EDUARDO STARES AT HIM. AL UNCOMFORTABLY
TAKES HIS HAND OUT. A MINI-SKIRTED BEAUTY, FRAN, SITS NEXT TO AL. SHE SMILES AT HIM)
AL You get your hair done here too?
FRAN (SWEETLY) Ever since I could find an old man to pay for it. Do you like it?
AL Oh yes.
FRAN Are you rich?
(SHE GETS UP AND WALKS OFF. ANOTHER MINI-SKIRTED BEAUTY, MURPHY, CROSSES TO AL)
MURPHY Hi, I'm Murphy. What can I do for you?
AL Do you know how to dance in a cage? I mean, I need a haircut.
MURPHY Well, come with me.
(SHE LEADS HIM TO A CHAIR. HE FOLLOWS HER, WATCHING HER WALK)
AL That's a nice place you got there.
(SHE SITS HIM DOWN)
AL Now, my old barber used to charge a buck twenty-five. How much are you guys?
MURPHY Sixty dollars.
AL No, seriously.
(SHE LAUGHS. SO DOES HE. SHE LOOKS AT HIS HEAD)
MURPHY Ooh, aren't we woolly?
AL Yeah. You guys really aren't sixty dollars, are you?
MURPHY Well, you know our motto: "People are suckers." Oops. I'm not supposed to say that to the
customers. Oh, well. Just relax and leave your head in our hands. We'll start with a nice scalp
AL All rightee.
(HE RELAXES, SITS BACK AND CLOSES HIS EYES. UNSEEN BY HIM, MR. ADONIS REPLACES MURPHY AND STARTS
MASSAGING AL'S HEAD)
AL My name's Bundy. Al Bundy. Oh, that's good. Y'know, it's funny. I was kinda worried coming over here,
y'know, not being a sissy or anything, but if I had known you were gonna be doing me, I'd have
been in here years ago.
ADONIS I wish you would have said that when I was single.
(HE GIGGLES. AL REACTS)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THAT NIGHT
(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ARE ON THE COUCH. IT IS DARK)
BUD Mom, how long do we have to sit here in the dark?
PEGGY Until your father comes out of the bushes. He won't come in the house unless he thinks we're sleeping.
KELLY Well, what if he looks like a geek? Can we laugh?
PEGGY Kelly, he's your father. Of course we can. (BEAT) Shh. I think I smell him coming.
(A BEAT, THEN AL ENTERS. HE TIPTOES IN. HE TURNS ON THE LIGHT. HE IS COIFFED. HE'S BEAUTIFUL AND
ASHAMED. HE SEES THE FAMILY LOOKING AT HIM. HE REACTS. THEY LAUGH AT HIM)
AL Well, how do you like it?
PEGGY You look like a fruit, Al.
AL Thanks, Peg.
BUD Pretty cool, Dad. It gives you that, "No closet can hold me" look.
KELLY Now, leave Dad alone. (TO AL) You're still going to wear men's clothes, aren't you?
PEGGY Oh, honey. We're just teasing. You look fantastic. Doesn't he kids?
(THEY ALL LAUGH)
PEGGY See? It's unanimous. By the way, your nose hairs look somehow longer.
AL They moussed 'em. But they wouldn't cut 'em. The important thing is, I feel cool. Goodnight.
(HE STARTS UPSTAIRS. PEGGY GOES AFTER HIM, MIMICKING A GAY PERSON WALKING. HE TURNS AROUND. SHE STOPS
AND SMILES SWEETLY)
AL Some sex tonight, Peg?
(PEGGY LOOKS AT HIM)
PEGGY No thanks.
(AL EXITS UPSTAIRS. PEGGY LOOKS AT THE KIDS AND LAUGHS)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NEXT NIGHT
(AL AND SOME FRIENDS, LOUIE, NORRIS, AND RUSS ARE SITTING AROUND THE LIVING ROOM WITH BEERS. THEY ARE
ALL COIFFED TO THE TEETH. THEY PASS A SNACK BAG AROUND: LOUIE TAKES A HANDFUL AND PASSES THE BAG TO
NORRIS, WHO TILTS HIS HEAD BACK AND POURS SOME OF THE BAGS' CONTENTS DIRECTLY INTO HIS MOUTH. HE
PASSES TO BAG TO RUSS, WHO STARES AT IT WITH DISGUST. BARNEY ENTERS, SMOKING A CIGAR)
BARNEY Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late, but I had to rinse, mousse and protein pack.
(HE SITS DOWN)
RUSS Hey, man. Watch that cigar, man. You're gonna get smoke in my hair. And Mr. Freddy says it's hell on my
(RUSS CHECKS HIS REFLECTION IN HIS BEER CAN)
NORRIS Mr. Luscious won't let me put on my construction hat. It ruins the integrity of the cut.
LOUIE You look good, Al.
AL Yeah, we're studs. So, what are we gonna do tonight? Put on our babydolls, drink a few beers
and give each other spankings?
RUSS How 'bout shooting some pool?
BARNEY No. The severity of the neon will ruin the highlights in my hair.
NORRIS Nah. We'd get beat up.
AL Well, what can we do that won't put any stress on our hair?
LOUIE We could go see "La Cage Aux Folles".
(THEY STARE AT HIM)
LOUIE It's really a fine play.
AL You're a plumber, Louie.
LOUIE I was never really comfortable as a plumber.
(HE LOOKS AT HIMSELF IN A MIRROR)
AL Louie, excuse us a second.
(THE GUYS GATHER EXCEPT FOR LOUIE)
LOUIE (TSKS) This place is a mess.
AL Look. It's all over for Louie, and Russ, you're slipping.
(RUSS IS CHECKING HIS REFLECTION IN THE BEER CAN AGAIN)
AL But we got a chance. Here's what we gotta do: we go out and find a fire hydrant, we turn that
sucker on, we stick our heads in the hole and wash the gay away.
NORRIS You mean go outside, without nets?
AL I think we better hurry. And afterwards, no matter how long it takes, we find a barber. A real
barber. Let's go.
(THEY START OUTSIDE)
AL Uh, Louie. C'mon. We're going dancing.
BARNEY I want a steak.
RUSS I want beer.
NORRIS I want a woman.
LOUIE I'm not dressed for dancing.
(LOUIE FOLLOWS THEM OUT)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(PEGGY IS LOOKING AT AN INSURANCE FORM WITH THE KIDS)
PEGGY Well, kids. Your daddy's worthless again. The insurance company found out he was a shoe salesman.
They refused to cover him because of the high suicide rate.
KELLY So, in other words: dead or alive, we still starve.
BUD Then why do we keep him?
PEGGY Without him, we'd have to get jobs. And Buck seems to like him.
BUD Where is Dad?
PEGGY Oh, he and the rest of the think tank are out searching for a barber.
BUD (CONFIDENTIALLY) Mom, you can be square with me. I mean, I know Kelly is Dad's natural daughter, but
me, I was just some one night stand with a cool guy, right?
KELLY I heard that. I'm not Dad's either.
BUD Are too!
KELLY Am not!
BUD Are too!
KELLY Am not!
PEGGY Kids. Stop that. You're both Daddy's kids.
(THEY HANG THEIR HEADS. A BEAT, THEN AL ENTERS. HIS HAIR IS BACK TO NORMAL)
AL Peg! I did it! I found a barber. But not just any barber. (OVERCOME) I found Tony's dad in Cicero.
He's ninety-seven and half blind but he taught Tony everything he knows. He even trimmed my
nose hairs. Look. Look.
(AL SHOWS PEGGY HIS NOSE. SHE REACTS)
AL That's old world craftsmanship right there. Now, I know you think I'm crazy, but there's
nothing like going to a real barber. Even though his hand shakes a little.
(AL HEADS UPSTAIRS. WE SEE HE HAS BANDAIDS ON HIS NECK AND ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD)
END OF ACT TWO
Modified from the Second Draft script by Nitzan Gilkis
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