0308 (045)


 Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison...........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog.............Buck 

 Guest cast:

Lora Zane................Ms. Weigel
Lillian Lehman...........Judge
Ken Thorley..............Jury Foreman



 Peggy is sitting on the couch, watching TV.
 Kelly and Bud march down the stairs.

TV     We'll be back in a moment with Dr. Sandy, Channel 67's leading authority on sex... 
       and weather.

 Bud sits next to Peggy.

BUD    Mom, how are we gonna get money? Dad took his wallet in the shower with him.

KELLY  Yeah, and as we all know, when we rifled his pants last night, we found a note in his
       pocket, it said; "It's in my underwear, I dare you". [Kelly sits down on the couch]
       Dad's playing hardball, what are we gonna do, Mom?

PEGGY  Aw, don't worry about it. That's not his real wallet [produces a wallet from between the
       couch cushions] - this is.

BUD    But won't Dad know?

PEGGY  No! I bought a duplicate wallet, and I filled it with Xeroxed money. [takes money from 
       the wallet and gives it to Kelly and Bud] The way I figure it; if your dad's got the gall
       to go out and buy himself something without telling the family, he deserves to go to jail.

 Kelly and Bud leave through the front door.
 Peggy picks up the TV remote control and resumes watching TV.

TV     And now we're back with Dr. Sandy, and Viewer Mail.

SANDY  Our first letter is from Desperate, AKA Peggy Pundy. She writes: "Lately, my husband" -
       We'll call him 'Sal' - "shows no interest in sex, at least not with me." Well, my dear,
       perhaps a change of venue would spice up your sex life? Have you tried doing it in the
       living room?... [Peggy looks at the couch and shakes her head with disapproval] or the
       kitchen? [Peggy glances towards the kitchen and definitely dislikes that thought] and
       there's always the bathroom. [The toilet is being flushed, Peggy turns around and looks
       up to the top of the stairs. She looks back at the TV and shakes her head again] Try it,
       Mrs. Pundy, you'll like it. I did!

 Peggy quickly switches off the TV, just as Al comes down the stairs.

AL     Well, Peg, I'm showered and ready to go to work and edge ever closer to the grave. Wish
       me luck.

 Peggy dashes towards the dining table and sweeps everything off with her arm, then sits on it.

PEGGY  Al, take me! I wanna have sex on the kitchen table.

 Al looks dumbfounded.

AL     I wanna have a meal on the kitchen table. Learn to live without. I did. Goodbye.

PEGGY  Al, I'm serious. I want sex!

AL     Peg, how long have we been married - 40, 50 years? Do we not have 2 children?

PEGGY  Well, yeah.

AL     Then my job is done.

 Al heads for the front door and then the doorbell rings.
 Al opens the door and Marcy is standing outside.

MARCY  Good morning, Al.

AL     Try selling shoes.

 Al walks past her on his way out.

PEGGY  Marcy, let me ask you something. Have you and Steve, er, ever 'done it' in other places?

MARCY  You mean like: planes, buses, the observation deck of the John Hancock building?

 Peggy gets up from the table and sits on a dining chair.

PEGGY  Sit down. [Marcy sits on a chair next to Peggy] Marcy, I am trying to put back some
       excitement and spontaneity back into our sex life... Actually, I'm trying to put Al back
       into our sex life.

MARCY  Well, lets start with seduction. What's your technique?

PEGGY  Well, what works best is when I leave a trail of chocolate bars from the bathroom to the
       bed. Of course, the trick is to space them out just right so that he doesn't eat to much,
       or he'll doze off before he gets to me.

MARCY  [worried about Peggy's sanity] Perfectly normal, perfectly normal. But remember, Peggy;
       men are like little boys, you have to make sex... lurid, filthy and degrading - the way
       they like it, and the way we need it. So, whenever I want to put a little more beef in
       Steve's jerky, I take him to this nice little romantic motel out near the airport. It's
       called The 'Hop On Inn'.

 Peggy seems to like that idea.



 A gaudy, over-decorated room at the Hop On Inn. Al and Peg have just arrived.

PEGGY  Isn't it beautiful?

 Peggy shoves Al towards the bed.

AL     I think I know what's going on here; the chocolates in the car, the oil on my zipper - 
       you want sex, don't you?

PEGGY  No, I want a fur coat, but I'll take what's behind zipper number one.

AL     Peg, if you scare him like this he'll never come out.

 Peggy grabs a fistful of Al's shirt in a threatening manner.

PEGGY  Look, Al, I want sex! Do you want to be conscious, or not? Oh, come on, Honey, we could 
       start with the Jacuzzi.

AL     Awww, Peg, I hate Jacuzzis - they shoot air up my butt.

PEGGY  Well, that's a nice change of pace.
       [Peggy notices a videotape next to a VCR] Oh, look! They left us a movie, a mood enhancer. 
       [picks up the tape and reads the title] 'Filth' - sounds pretty romantic. Well, I'm just
       gonna change. [casts of her coat and is left standing in her nightgown] OK, Al, pop in the
       movie, pop in a breath mint and let's coax the mummy out of his crypt.

AL     I don't want to have sex; you're my wife, for God's sake! Hasn't having the kids taught
       you anything - nothing good comes of it!

PEGGY  Now, sit down [Al sits on the bed, and Peg puts the tape in the VCR] and watch this movie.
       [Peggy sits on the end of the bed with Al] Now, isn't this fun?
       [They watch the movie] Whoa, I didn't know a human leg could do that.
       Oh, I want that! Oh, and I want that! And I DEFINITELY want that!

 Both Al and Peg tilt their heads to the left.

AL     Hooo.
PEGGY  Hooo. You know, that guy looks a little like...

 Peggy and Al are shocked.

AL     STEVE AND MARCY! That is Steve and Marcy!

PEGGY  Wow, look at her go!

 Peggy begins to unbutton Al's shirt.

AL     Aww, Peg, what kind of pervo would get turned on watching themselves?

PEGGY  Oh, shut up, Al. [Peggy spays some mouth freshener into her mouth, then holds Al's nose
       and sprays it in his mouth] Hoo-ho-ho-ho-ho.

 Peggy dives on top of Al.

AL     [Moaning] Oh, no.



 The Bundy living room.
 Al and Peg are eagerly showing the videotape to Steve and Marcy.
 Steve and Marcy are shamefully covering their faces.

STEVE  I can't believe they taped us.

MARCY  And on 'Back to School' night. Steve, I feel so violated.

AL     Aw, gee, guys; if we had known you didn't know you were being taped, we would never have
       brought you over here and sprung this on you. I feel terrible.

 Al and Peggy burst out laughing.

STEVE  Yeaaah, laugh, clowns, laugh. But, here's a hot flash for you: if they
       taped us, they taped you too.

 Al and Peggy look at each other, then at the TV.



 Al gets up from the couch, annoyed.

AL     Peg, I told you we should never have sex; now everybody’s gonna know!

PEGGY  I just know my hair was a mess and I had on my OLD nightgown! I never look good in

STEVE  I know this is off the subject, but don't you realise that all of our rights have been
       tremendously violated?? I mean [Bud and Kelly enter through the front door] we were 
       caught in the act of... [Steve notices the kids] and then the ducky said to the frog;
       "then, why is it on the menu?"

 The adults fake a laugh. Kelly and Bud gingerly make their way to the couch and sit down.
 Kelly picks up a magazine and Bud picks up the TV remote control.

AL     NO! [grabs the remote control] TV is for adults.

PEGGY  Don't you kids have something to do?

KELLY  Well, personally I'm just killing time till I'm 18.

BUD    And I'm helping her count. [to Kelly] Mrs. Rhoades is blushing like a school girl.

 Marcy looks up angrily at Al.

MARCY  You told them! Everybody knows I'm a Porn Queen!

BUD    Kel, I believe something deeply personal is going on here, and it might be more
       comfortable for the adults if the children left the room. [Bud gets up and stands next 
       to Steve] Therefore I shall open the bidding.

STEVE  Five dollars.

BUD    I hear ten. Any further bidding?

KELLY  [to Marcy] Perhaps from the lady with the deep secret?

STEVE  Al, can't you get rid of them?

AL     Don't you think I've tried?

MARCY  All right, you little gangsters, how much are we talking?

KELLY  Well, 50 Bucks hides a lot of shame.

BUD    [to Steve] Trust her, she should know.

 Steve hands the money over to Bud. Kelly and Bud start to go upstairs.

PEGGY  Kids! Aren't you forgetting something?

 Bud and Kelly turn around looking smug.

BUD    Thank you, Mister and Missus Rhoades.
KELLY  Thank you, Mister and Missus Rhoades.

 Bud and Kelly go upstairs.

PEGGY  Al, what are we gonna do?

AL     Well, I don't know about you, but when the kids go to sleep; I'm looting!

STEVE  I'll tell you what I'm gonna do; I'm gonna sue these vermin for everything they've got.

AL     Aww, I don't know, I've always been a fan of physical violence. Er, how about if I go 
       down there and break a back, or two - that way, everybody's happy.

 Peggy gets up and walks towards Steve.

PEGGY  Quiet, Dear. Steve has a thought on how sex with you can finally be satisfying.
       [to Steve] So, er, we can make some money off of this?

STEVE  And see justice served. Right, Marcy?

 Marcy ignores Steve and gets up to talk to Al.

MARCY  When you go down there, and you've broken their spines and snapped their arms like little
       twigs, and they're truly, truly helpless; then I'll come in. Yes, I'll come in with just 
       a mere old-fashioned can-opener, and I'll do things to them that'll make The Devil 
       himself vomit.

STEVE  Er, or, we could sue.

PEGGY  How much do you think we can get?

STEVE  I think a million dollars is not out of the question.

PEGGY  A million dollars! Al, we hardly do anything together anymore, let's sue.

AL     What, but, I don't know; it would be kinda embarrassing.

PEGGY  A million dollars, Al. Do you know what that means to you? Five thousand dollars!



 The courtroom.
 Steve, Marcy, Peggy and Al are sitting at the bench, waiting for the judge to arrive.
 Steve is writing, Marcy is looking very worried, Peggy is waiting expectantly and Al is digging
 wax out of his ear.

AL     I told you, Peg, we should have just beat the hell out of these people.

PEGGY  It's a million dollars, Al. How else are we gonna get a million dollars? You, earn it???
       Ha Ha. Now just relax and be outraged.

 The defence attorney, Ms. Weigel, enters. She looks down at Steve.

DEFNCE How lovely, new meat.

PEGGY  [to Steve] Who's that?

STEVE  The attorney for the defence.

 Al looks around the courtroom.

AL     Where's our lawyer?

STEVE  You're looking at him. [Al looks around the room again] It's ME, you idiot! I figured this 
       is an 'open and shut' case, a lawyer takes 30%, that's 300 thou'; that leaves us only 700
       grand to split. After taxes, we get squat. Now, trust me, I know what I'm doing.
       [The judge enters the courtroom and everyone except for Steve stands] Where's everybody

MARCY  [to Steve] We're standing for the judge, Mr. Darrow.

JUDGE  This court is now in session. We'll be hearing Rhoades and Bundy verses The Hop On Inn. 
       We will now hear opening statements.

 Steve gets up and takes a book out of his briefcase. He then walks across to stand in front of
 the jury.

STEVE  [timidly] Hello everyone. [no response] Anyhow, my wife and I, and Peggy and Al Bundy,
       went to the Hop On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. [the judge frowns at
       Steve] On separate occasions, of course. Now, during the course of our wholesome bliss,
       our romantic activities, the re-affirmation of the love we share - and whatever the
       Bundys were doing; our conjugal privacy was invaded, YES, we were violated by video
       cameras. But first, I think you should hear some background, that I believe is germane 
       to this case: My grandfather came to this country a poor man...
       [time lapses] ...and in World War 2, my Uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal
       disease than six army divisions... 
       [The Perry Mason theme is heard as Steve is seen talking extravagantly to the courtroom.
       The Judge puts her feet up on the bench and begins reading a book. The Stenographer has
       passed out.]
       [58 minutes later] ...and THEN! [that wakes up the jury] They tape us having sex. And 
       that concludes my opening statement.
       [The Judge hasn't noticed that Steve has finished] Er, Your Honor?

JUDGE  Thank you.

STEVE  You're welcome.

JUDGE  Ms. Weigel, would you care to make an opening statement?

DEFNCE The Defence passes for the moment, Your Honor.

STEVE  Good move, Girlie.

JUDGE  Mr. Rhoades, you may call your first witness.

STEVE  Your Honor, my only witnesses are: [holds up 2 videotapes] exhibits A and B.

MARCY  Steve! You have the tapes? You're not going to show those???

STEVE  A million dollars, Marcy.

MARCY  Doesn't my honor mean more to you than a million dollars?

 Steve thinks about this for a while.

STEVE  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury; exhibit A.

 A court official puts the tape into a VCR to play it to the jury. Marcy sinks down in her seat.
 Four hours and 3 minutes pass by.
STEVE  Annnd, the end.
       [the jury give a rapturous applause] Aw, thank you, thank you, I say it was nothing, no,
       really. [the stenographer hands Steve a note, possibly with her phone number on it] And,
       er, now, exhibit B: the subpoenaed tape of Mr. and Mrs. Bundy. [the court official plays
       the 2nd tape for the jury]
       [a few seconds later] And, the end.
       And, so, in conclusion; I'm sure it's obvious that our privacy was indeed invaded, and so, 
       we deserve a million dollars. I rest my case.

JUDGE  Ms. Weigel.

DEFNCE I'd like to call my first witness to the stand, Mrs. Marcy Rhoades.
 Marcy comes to the stand and sits down.
DEFNCE Ah, Mrs. Rhoades, have you ever been to the Hop On Inn before the evening in question?

MARCY  [quietly] Yes, once or twice.

DEFNCE We can't hear you.

MARCY  I said "once or twice".

DEFNCE Need I subpoena the desk clerk, Guido?

MARCY  Thirty or forty times.

DEFNCE Thirty or forty times, [sarcastically] well, I suppose that's normal. Mrs. Rhoades, are
       you wearing underwear?

MARCY  Two pairs.

DEFNCE And are they both crotchless?

MARCY  Yes... damn you.

DEFNCE Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you; does this woman, the same woman you 
       witnessed on that tape, look like a woman who has been wronged by anyone but her husband?

STEVE  I object!

MARCY  Sure, when she picks on you! Where were you during the underwear examination??

DEFNCE Mrs. Rhoades, you were not one bit deceived. You knew that camera was there all along.

MARCY  What kind of a woman do you think I am?

DEFNCE Let's just see, shall we? [holds up a pair of handcuffs] Look familiar!? [Marcy looks
       ashamed] Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades. Get out of my sight, you make me sick.

Time lapse.

DEFNCE I'd now like to call to the stand, Mr. Al Bundy.

PEGGY  You did put on clean underwear today, didn't you, Al?

 Al shakes his head then they both hang their heads in shame.

DEFNCE Mr. Bundy, on what grounds are you suing?

AL     Umm, well, my wife's sick of poverty and um, she told me she'd give me five thousand

DEFNCE That's it?

AL     Well, um, then there's that outrage thing.

DEFNCE Well, Mr. Bundy, lets, lets once again view that arousing performance you claim that my
       client is capitalising on.

 The tape is played again and Al does a commentary.

AL     Er, right, feeling relaxed here... and er, breathing good. Mm, there's the foreplay, and
       er... once again; I finish first.

Peggy nods sadly.
Another short time lapse.

DEFNCE I'd now like to call Mrs. Bundy.
       [Peggy sits] Mrs. Bundy, Did you have 'sex' with your husband at the Hop On Inn?


DEFNCE Mrs. Bundy, may I remind you that the penalty for perjury is 7 years in prison. Where, I
       assure you, you WILL have sex.

PEGGY  All right. Well, it may not be 'sex' to you, but it is to me. And just because you all
       have husbands that can last long enough to time an egg, doesn't mean that what Al does,
       doesn't count.

DEFNCE Er, you may step down.

PEGGY  Is a crumb not a banquet for a starving person?

DEFNCE You may step down.

PEGGY  Is a fig leaf not clothing for the naked?

DEFNCE Please step down.

 Peggy stands up, shouting.

PEGGY  You can't do this to Al!

JUDGE  Remove this woman!

PEGGY  He'll lose what little confidence he already has. [the official escorts Peggy from the
       stand] You were great, baby. Please, oh, please don't listen to her. Don't give up, you
       are much man... [the official drags Peggy, still screaming from the court] Oh God!!!



 The verdict.

JUDGE  Has the jury reached a verdict?

JURY   Er, yes we have, er, Your Honor. Er, we, The Jury, award punitive damages of ten thousand
       dollars to Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades, on the grounds that their privacy was indeed invaded.

 Steve nudges Marcy.

STEVE  Not bad, ha, Babe?

MARCY  [angrily] Curdle and die.

JURY   And er, as for the Bundys -- no sex, no money.

JUDGE  Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. This court is now adjourned.

 Everyone, except the Bundys, leave the courtroom. Al and Peg sit down again.

PEGGY  Well, Al, at least we still have each other.

 Peggy breaks down, sobbing. Al looks around the courtroom.

AL     Peg, come with me.

PEGGY  Where are we going?

AL     Come here a minute, over here.

PEGGY  What, Al?

 Al leads Peggy to where the judge was sitting.

AL     Hurry up, come on. Get down in there.

 Peggy gets on the floor.

PEGGY  Like this, Al?

AL     Yeah, like that.

 Al joins Peggy on the floor behind the judges desk.
 4 hours and 5 minutes later, they are still behind the desk.
AL     Now, was that sex, or was that sex?

 Peggy puffs out a lungfull of cigarette smoke.

PEGGY  That was sex, Al! And, you know, if we had been on tape; we would have made a million

 Al and Peggy laugh. We then see a security camera above the judges seat,  pointing down at 
 Al and Peggy.


Produced by  Marcy Vosburgh
             Sandy Sprung
Supervising Producer  Richard Gurman
Executive Producers  Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt

Directed by  Gerry Cohen
Written by  Jeanne Baruch
            Jeanne Romano
Created by  Ron Leavitt
            Michael G. Moye
Associate Producer  Barbara Blachut Cramer
Executive Script Consultant  Ellen L. Fogle
Executive Story Editor  Ralph R. Farquhar
Casting  Tammara Billik C.S.A.
Executive In Charge of Casting  Rick Jacobs
Music Supervision  Michael Andreas
Production Designer  Don Roberts
Art Director  Bernard Vyzga
Associate Director  Richard Steir
Stage Managers  Richard Draney
                Stephanie Scott
Production Associate  Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator  Susan Jang
Technical Director  Sam W. Orender
Director of Photography  Thomas W. Markle
Audio  J. Mark King
Videotape Editor  Larry Harris
Re-recording  Marti D. Humphrey
              John Bickelhaupt
Costumes  Marti Masamitsu
Property Master  Michael Semon
Make-up  Nina Kent
Hair Stylist  Dottie McQuown
Production Supervised by  Fran McConnell
Production Consultants  Deborah Curtan
                        Eduardo Cervantes
In Charge of Production  Ed Lammi
Copyright 1989 ELP Communications.

Transcribed by Ade Bundy


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