THE BALD AND THE BEAUTIFUL
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Henry G. Sanders........Murray
THE BUNDY LIVING ROOM.
AL ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE
PEGGY FOLLOWS HIM, ALSO WEARING A ROBE, SMOKING
PEGGY You were great, Al.
AL Leave me alone.
THEY SIT ON THE COUCH
PEGGY Oh c'mon, Al. I really believe if you'd practice once in a while, you could
actually get good at sex. And honey, you don't have to hit your head.
AL That's the one part I enjoy, Peg. Keeps my mind off what the rest of my body is
PEGGY Yeah, well, take it from me, it's not going through much.
AL Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?
(HE TURNS ON THE TV)
TV And that's it for Monday Night Football.
(HE TURNS OFF THE TV)
(HE LOOKS AT PEGGY)
AL It isn't Tuesday, Peg. (SHE HANGS HER HEAD) You've done a bad thing. You must be
PEGGY Oh, Al. I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night.
AL Pretty brazen when you're all satisfied, aren't you?
PEGGY Just because I scream does not mean I'm satisfied. I was screaming because my
hair was caught in your watch. I didn't wake you, did I?
AL You haven't yet.
PEGGY KISSES AL ON THE CHEEK. SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS. AL OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE
AL I just had sex, Steve. What do you want?
STEVE Look, I think I'm in trouble, Al. I need help. I was out walking alone.
I couldn't face being around people, so I came here. Al, just let me start at
the beginning. I went to work today. Feeling good. Feeling spry. The bank was
crowded so I sent a teller on a break. I was on top of the world. Then I found
this on my desk.
STEVE HANDS AL A PIECE OF NEWSPAPER
AL (READING) "Tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine." Well, it happens. Get on with
the rest of your life, Steve.
STEVE Turn it over, Al.
AL TURNS THE PAPER OVER AND READS IT
AL Oh, "Monoxodyl: Hope for the hairless."
STEVE You know what this is? This is the stuff they give guys who are... (MUMBLES)
... Going bald.
STEVE Going bald! Why would someone give that to me?
AL Well, I don't know, let me see your head.
STEVE TURNS AND SHOWS AL THE BACK OF HIS HEAD
STEVE What, do you see something?
AL My reflection.
STEVE Then-then it's true. It's starting.
AL That's like saying Bette Davis is just starting.
STEVE You mean you saw this and didn't tell me?
AL I saw it and didn't care.
STEVE You're awfully cavalier about this, y'know. Old Man Time's been doing a little
mowing on your head, too.
AL I know.
STEVE What do you mean you know?
AL Sure. You've seen my wife, my house, my kids. I'm lucky my hands haven't fallen
STEVE How can you accept this? If all our hair falls off, our, our, our wives won't
want us anymore.
AL (ENCOURAGINGLY) Well, there you go! Look on the bright side.
STEVE I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy?
if she leaves me? Who'll have me? Have you ever seen bald guy flirt? It's
AL C'mon, Steve. There's plenty of popular bald guys out there.
STEVE Name one.
AL Mussolini. Kruchev. Lex Luther.
STEVE You forgot the Elephant Man.
AL (AGREEING) The Elephant man.
STEVE Cool guys, one and all, Al. How am I going to hide this from Marcy? She's bound
to look at my head sooner or later.
AL Draw her attention away from it. Paint a picture on your bald spot, learn to
throw your voice.
STEVE Sure, joke if you will, but I love my hair. Al, my mother saved the curls from
my first haircut. Where are they now then I need them? Well, I will tell you
this: I will fight this with every follicle of my being.
AL You bend over, you can signal the troops.
The shoe store.
AL IS BUSYING HIMSELF. TWO PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN ENTER. AL HAS HIS BACK TO THEM.
HE SNIFFS THE AIR
AL A Sea breeze. [HE TURNS AND SEES THEM] Hello. Well, I see you're not fat and don't
have an attitude, so you can't be looking for me. But how can I help you?
CRYSTL We just came in to see if we could get some change. So many places have a rule
that you have to buy something.
AL Well, that's just for the homely.
SHE HOLDS OUT A DOLLAR. HE TAKES IT
CRYSTL Say, didn't you used to play football for the Bears?
AL (MODESTLY) Me? Well... yeah!
CRYSTL I knew it. You just have those rugged good looks of an athlete in his prime.
AL Yeah. Ah, never goes away, does it? If it wasn't for this darn bum knee, I'd
still be on those Wheaties boxes like you remember me. Well, let me get you your
(AL DOES AN EXAGGERATED LIMP TO THE REGISTER) Damn this leg.
AMBER You've seen that guy play football?
AL OVERHEARS THE FOLLOWING
CRYSTL No. I've just got a soft spot in my heart for guys who are losing their hair.
AMBER Would you ever sleep with a bald guy?
CRYSTL Oh, God, no.
AL CLEARS HIS THROAT BEHIND THEM. THEY TURN. HE GIVES CRYSTAL HER CHANGE
AL Here you go.
CRYSTL Thanks, handsome.
AL Yeah. Right.
THEY EXIT. AL GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND LOOKS AT HIS HEAD IN THE MIRROR.
STEVE (INDICATES WITH THUMB) Mecca is that way, Al.
AL Hey, how you doin', Steve?
STEVE Oh, better than last night. I just ran into two girls who thought I was a
football player. Anyhow, I came down to get some Monoxodyl, but you need a
prescription. All I could get over the counter was this stuff: Dr. Fur.
(STEVE'S WATCH ALARM GOES OFF) Time to feed and seed.
(HE RUBS ON DR. FUR) Oooh, I can feel it working.
AL It smells like dog food.
STEVE If I thought it would grow hair, I'd put your socks on my head. You want some?
WE SEE CRYSTAL AND AMBER WALK BY ON THE ARM OF A GUY WITH LONG, GOOD HAIR.
BEAT, THEN AL LOWERS HIS HEAD. STEVE POURS SOME ON
AL (IN HIS SLEEP) Get away from me, Peg. It's not Tuesday.
PEGGY ENTERS, SNIFFING AT THE AIR
PEGGY Al, get up. (AL WAKES UP) Something smells. I think Buck threw up in the house,
but I can't find it. Well, it'll turn up or it won't.
AL I wish you took that attitude on our sex nights. Oh, I'll go finish my nap
HE GOES UPSTAIRS. BUCK FOLLOWS HIM
AL (TO BUCK) Get away from me. Leave me alone.
THE DOORBELL RINGS
AL Get off of me!
PEGGY GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT TO MARCY
PEGGY Oh hi, Marce.
MARCY Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we
had sex and he wore a sombrero.
PEGGY Ooh. The ribbed kind?
MARCY On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
PEGGY Oh well, you gotta put your foot down. If I didn't, Al would still be wearing
MARCY That's not all. Steve insists we turn the light off when we make love.
PEGGY Well, that was one of the few rules Al and I both agreed to.
MARCY Peggy, I'm really worried. Usually on Monday nights, Steve and I go see an art
film. Instead, he took me to an Elmer Fudd retrospective. And all Steve kept
saving was, "Isn't he sexy?" You think he's having an affair?
PEGGY Oh, don't worry, Marce. Strange behavior in men doesn't necessarily mean
anything. The smallest things upset them. Their favorite team loses, the car
doesn't start, you lose your cigarette in his pudding...
MARCY Well, I'm telling you, Steve is having something on his mind.
PEGGY So what are you supposed to do about it? Care? (LAUGHS) C'mon. He's got a mother.
She broke him, let her fix him. We have enough trouble keeping ourselves happy in
a marriage. Come on, let's shopping and really give them something to worry
THE GIRLS EXIT. BUCK RUNS DOWNSTAIRS. HE HAS THE BOTTLE OF DR. FUR IN HIS MOUTH.
AL HURRIES AFTER HIM
AL Bring my Dr. Fur back. Bring that Dr. Fur back here.
BUCK EXITS OUT THE DOG DOOR. AL REACTS
STEVE IS SEEN JUMPING OVER THE BACK FENCE. WE HEAR DOGS BARKING. HE ENTERS THROUGH SLIDING GLASS DOOR.
STEVE Damn dogs followed me home. Al, I've got some bad news. "Dr. Fur" has been
recalled. They determined it to be one hundred percent dog food.
AL Oh Steve, I paid twenty bucks for that stuff.
STEVE So, you got talken. But this stuff is the real thing.
AL (READING) Insta-hair?
STEVE You betcha. You use this slime twice a day, and in two weeks, (POINTS TO HEAD)
(AL REACHES FOR THE INSTA-HAIR) Not so fast, Al. This may not work on you. The
doctor I got it from in the bar wouldn't sell it to me until he tested me first.
AL SITS ON' THE CHAIR
AL Yeah. Did he happen to grab ya and tell you to cough?
STEVE Do you want to know if you're an Insta-hair candidate or not?
AL (SIGHS) Ah, go ahead. Gimme the test.
STEVE LIGHTS A MATCH AND BLOWS IT OUT WHICH AL DOES NOT SEE
STEVE You ready?
STEVE Here we go.
STEVE TOUCHES THE MATCH HEAD TO AL'S SCALP
STEVE Good! Good! My head burned, too.
AL Good. Just hang on, a second Steve. (he gets a baseball bat from the laundry)
I have a little test for you, Steve!!
STEVE Don't you see, Al? Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that better
than anyone. Your follicles are alive. (STEVE GIVES HIM A BOTTLE AND TAKES ONE
FOR HIMSELF) Bottoms up, Al.
AL DRINKS A DEEP SLUG FROM THE BOTTLE. HE REACTS
STEVE Uh, Al. You're not supposed to drink it. It goes on your head.
AL Well what the Hell did vou say "Bottoms up" for!??
STEVE Don't worry. Let me check something. (HE READS THE LABEL, THEN) Can you still
STEVE Then you're one of the five percent. Splash some on your head.
(THEY EACH RUB THEIR HEADS HAPPILY)
AL I'm gonna part mine. What are you gonna do with yours?
STEVE I'm gonna grow mine wild like a lion' s mane.
AL You know if we don't grow hair I'm gonna kill you.
STEVE If we don't grow hair, you won't have to. I'll kill myself.
AL AND STEVE ARE STILL RUBBING THEIR HEADS.
KELLY AND BUD ENTER AND STARE AT THEM.
BUD Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?
AL We're growing hair, Bud.
BUD They're growing hair, Kel.
KELLY Why? They're old. Who looks at 'em anyway?
BUD Yeah, Dad. I mean, look around you. If hair got you all this, let it go.
STEVE Let him laugh, Al. In ten years his head will be as barren as your lawn.
BUD What do you mean?
STEVE Well, Bud, hair is hereditary. So is hair loss.
KELLY So you mean by the time his skin clears up, his hair will be falling out?
Oh, Bud. (SHE HUGS HIM) My poor sexless, hairless brother! I'm so happy for you.
BUD Dad! What did you have me for, biological experiment? I mean, I was just getting
used to being poor and now this.
KELLY Easy, Bud. Stress causes baldness. Who cares if you are bald, you can
always make money selling flowers at airports. I'll lend you one of my dresses.
BUD Yeah. Give me the one that says "Put 'em here, boys."
KELLY You know, it's gonna be so much fun at school tomorrow with all the kids running
around chanting 'Bud, Bud, head like a spud'.
KELLY GO UPSTAIRS
BUD Dad, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna lose just a little like you, or am I gonna
be like Mr. Rhoades?
STEVE MASSAGES MORE FURIOUSLY
AL Bud, sit down. (BUD SITS)
I hope when you will become a man, hair won't be important. That a man won't be
judged by what he looks on the outside, but who he is on the inside. But that's
not gonna happen, so here you go.
HE GIVES BUD THE BOTTLE. THE THREE GUYS RUB AWAY.
KELLY IS ON THE COUCH, BRUSHING BUCK. PEGGY COMES DOWNSTAIRS
PEGGY Oh hi, Kelly. Sorry I didn't make you breakfast. I was busy prying off the
pillow that was stuck to Daddy's head.
KELLY He's not growing any hair, is he?
PEGGY No, but a few hundred came off with the pillow.
KELLY Y'know, it's amazing. I mean, I saw pictures of Dad when he was young. He stood
upright. And he had hair. Now look at him. How's a woman to know?
PEGGY You can't honey. Basically, it's a crap shoot.
AL [O.S.] Peg. Did you throw out those hairs that I had sitting on the counter?
PEGGY Sometimes you come up craps.
PEGGY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS. KELLY SEES HIM.
SHE HOLDS A CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR IN HER HAND
KELLY Uhm, Bud. Sit down. I want to talk to you.
BUD Look, Kel. I don't think we have much to talk about. I mean, after you painted
my face on Dad's bowling ball and left it outside my door.
KELLY I was cruel, and I want to apologize. See, you're not losing your hair. Look.
(SHE PALMS BUD'S HAIR AND BRINGS OUT THE CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR AND SHOWS HIM)
(SHE LETS IT FALL FROM HER FINGERS. HE REACTS WITH HORROR AND RUSHES UPSTAIRS)
BUD Dad! It's starting!
KELLY You don't mind that I'm playing with Bud, do you?
PEGGY No. That's why we had him. Come on, we'll talk about it on the way to the store.
I've got to pick up some "Dr. Fur" for Buck. It's the only thing he'll eat. His
coat looks good, too.
THEY EXIT, CROSSING STEVE, WHO IS WEARING A FEDORA
PEGGY Oh hi, Steve.
STEVE Ladies. Is Al home?
PEGGY Yeah, he's upstairs. Gee, you look good in a hat, Steve.
THEY LAUGH AS THEY EXIT. STEVE LOOKS.
AL COMES DOWNSTAIRS.
AL Oh. Hey, Steve. Stupid hat. Let me see your head.
(STEVE SHOWS HIM) It's a graveyard. Me?
HE SHOWS STEVE HIS HEAD
STEVE A ghost town.
AL We have to face it, Steve. This stuff isn't working. Tastes good, but it doesn't
work. And we have to learn to live with it. These are our heads.
STEVE Al, I can't bear this burden alone. Listen, I've heard there's help available
for guys like us, but I need to borrow your shoe store.
AL For what?
WE SEE THAT CHAIRS HAVE BEEN ARRANGED FOR A MEETING AND SITTING IN THEM ARE ABOUT A DOZEN
BALD MEN. A SIGN, COMPLETE WITH THE LOGO OF A BALD EAGLE, IS HUNG BEHIND A MAKESHIFT PODIUM.
MURRAY, THE HEAD BALD GUY, STEPS TO THE PODIUM AND BANGS TO CALL THE MEETING TO ORDER.
MURRAY Hi, I'm Murray. And I'm bald.
GUYS Hi, Murray!
MURRAY Hi guys. We will now bring this meeting of Bald American Dudes to order.
Will you please bring in our newest brothers, Brother Al and Brother Steve.
THEY BRING IN STEVE AND AL, BOTH WEARING BLINDFOLDS. THEN THE PATCHES ARE REMOVED.
AL I don't like this. It's like the day I got married.
GUYS Hi Steve. Hi Al.
AL (LOOKING AROUND, THEN TO LANCE) Can I please have my blind fold back?
MURRAY Right now, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Brother Lance.
LANCE APPROACHES THE PODIUM, THE OTHERS APPLAUD HIM
LANCE Hi. I'm Lance and I'm bald.
AL No kidding.
LANCE I'd like to open this week's meeting on a sad note. Brother Herbert went to
Hawaii and forgot to pack his hat. A hairy child put a reflector by his head
as he dozed, and well, it'll be a long time before he does his famous head in
the bowling ball cleaner routine again.
(THEY ALL MOAN SADLY. AL LAUGHS)
So I'd like to bring up a motion to send him the traditional arrangement of
balloons with ears, so he'll think of us. All in favor?
LANCE Motion carries. Which brings me to our thought for tonight. "Hair. How can we
stop it?" Now, I admit, that at one time, man might have needed hair. Like in
prehistoric times when very large birds flew overhead and hats hadn't been
invented. But times have changed. The point is the bald are more evolved, more
intelligent and more sophisticated. So next time a hairy child comes up and
says, "Hey, let me rub your head for luck," you just tell that child, "That's
not what your mother rubbed."
So, let's share. Who among us shall be first?
(STEVE RAISES HIS HAND) Brother Steve.
STEVE STANDS UP
STEVE I'm Steve and I've been cancealing my... problem...
GUYS Say it.
LANCE Say it. Say it.
STEVE (JUST MANAGING TO SQUEEZE OUT THE WORDS) My baldness... from my wife. I was
THE BALD MAN NEXT TO AL IS TEARING UP. AL REACTS
STEVE But you have given me the strength to be proud of my hairline, no matter
where it may wander across my head. You're the greatest. I love you guys.
THEY APPLAUD. STEVE SITS DOWN
LANCE Good, Brother Steve. Tell her so she can realize, like thousands of other women
have, that bald men are sexier, more virile, and aerodynamic. Let's face it. It
doesn't get better than bald. Remember, a bald head says good in bed.
(THEY ALL CHEER)
All right, all right! Brother Al. Have you been moved to share?
AL Yeah, sure, I'll share. Let me share this little tidbit with you. You guys
are nuts. Attractive, virile, sexy? Women want ya? For what? To check their
make-up? But you human flashlights have really helped me. When I came here
tonight, I thought I was bald. But looking at you 'guys, I realize two things.
One, I really miss shooting pool, and two, I'm not bald. Steve's not bald. You
guys are bald. Really bald. One hundred watt, soft-white bald. Let me say one
more thing. If and when I do lose my hair, I still won't be sitting here with
you. Cause I've got something at home that doesn't care what I look like. That
accepts me for what I am, and is always there when I need it. My couch.
HE SWAGGERS OUT.
THE SHOE STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT
STEVE SITS ALONE. MARCY ENTERS
MARCY Steve? Al told me I'd find you here. What's wrong?
STEVE I was just sitting here trying to decide how to tell you something terrible.
MARCY What is it, Steve?
STEVE I'm going bald.
STEVE That's it. That's the news.
MARCY Honey, I've known that since the day you got on your knees to propose.
STEVE Then you still think I'm attractive?
MARCY Oh, Steve. Of course I do. Anybody would.
STEVE Well, somebody doesn't. Look what somebody put on my desk.
HE TAKES OUT THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPING
MARCY I put that there.
MARCY 'Cause it was your turn to shop and tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine is a
Thanks to Andreas Carl of Bundyology.
would you like to contribute a script?
home on the range