HER CUPS RUNNETH OVER
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike....................Buck the Dog
Peggy is standing at the counter, stirring her coffee. "Respect" by Aretha Franklin plays on the
radio. Peggy stops stirring, then uses her spoon as a pretend microphone and begins singing and
dancing to the music.
As Peggy dances towards the living room, Bud and Kelly can be seen on the stairs, watching her.
KELLY This is so sad. Look at her. Every year it's the same thing.
BUD Yep, The Birthday Hop.
Peggy mimes to the "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" part of the song.
KELLY You'd think she'd learn. I mean, every year she turns on the oldies station, cranks it
up real loud and dances the dances of our Four Fathers. Oh, and then she realises how
old she is and gets depressed. Watch.
The song ends. Peggy is smiling.
TV Remember that one? If you do, you must be a hundred [Peggy reacts] 'cause it was over
twenty years ago! That was one for you, Grandma.
Peggy turns off the radio with disgust.
KELLY So sad, so sad. [starting down the stairs] Bud, if I ever get old and act like that will
you please shoot me?
BUD Why wait?
Bud and Kelly comes downstairs. Peggy walks past them and sits on the couch.
BUD Hi Mom.
KELLY Hi Mom.
PEGGY Leave me alone.
Al comes home.
AL Hi, Peg! How ya doing?
PEGGY How am I doing? It's my birthday and you have the audacity to ask me how I'm doing??
Al sits next to her. Peggy sighs.
PEGGY The best years of my life are over. And the worst part is, I spent them with you. [Al
reacts] By the way, Al, am I still attractive?
AL Peg, you're still the same knee in the groin you were when you were sixteen.
PEGGY I don't believe you. You didn't say it with feeling. You are an insensitive hog of a
man. Oh, I gotta do something to shake these birthday blues. [Al takes out his wallet] I
know, give me money. I'm going to shop till you drop.
Al opens his wallet up and Peggy removes all the cash from it and begins counting it.
PEGGY Oh, uh, by the way, Al. This doesn't get you off the hook from a present. And this year,
I want something different.
AL Well, Peg, I only know how to do it one way.
PEGGY And one day maybe you'll get it right. No, honey. This year I want something that lasts
longer than three minutes. I want a real gift. I want you to spend money on me, Al.
AL [displaying his empty wallet] Peg, I have no more money!
PEGGY Well, that doesn't stop me from spending it. God! Do I have to do everything around
Peggy gets up, grabs her coat and leaves.
Bud and Kelly sit next to Al.
KELLY Hi Dad.
BUD Hi Dad.
AL Kids, why didn't you tell me it was your mother's birthday? I wouldn't have come home.
KELLY Dad, do you know what we love about you?
AL How could I?
KELLY It's that you're old but it's okay.
BUD Yeah, like Popeye. You yam what you yam.
KELLY You're the greatest, Dad.
Kelly kisses him on the cheek.
Bud holds out his hand, expecting money.
AL I'm broke, Son.
BUD Don't call me "son".
AL Kelly, let me ask you a question...
KELLY [quickly] Daddy, no matter what you heard on the streets, I'm a good girl and I never
would've done that.
AL No, no... It's about your mom.
KELLY [quickly] Daddy, no matter what you heard on the streets, she's a good girl and she
AL No, no! I wanna talk about her birthday. I don't know what to get your mother. Maybe
your being a girl will come in handy for once. Any ideas?
KELLY Well, it's not as easy as it sounds, Dad. She's real down about this age thing. You've
gotta understand something. Mom was around before I was even born. It's harder for a
woman to get old. there's so many more places to sag. Y'know I've seen college girls.
Just starting to age. The little lines they get around their eyes when they smile. The
hair on their knuckles starting to darken. The fear in their face as they find
themselves staring at the big 2-5. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that...
wait, what was the question?
Al pats Kelly on the head.
Later in the day. Al is on the phone.
AL Yeah, I'd like to get some flowers for my wife's birthday. Uh, what can I get for $3.95?
[listens] Well, how much for some seeds? Hello? Hello??
Al hangs up. Peggy enters, laden with shopping bags. She sighs.
AL Oh, hi, Peg. How ya doing?
PEGGY I feel so empty. I shopped and I shopped and I still couldn't get happy. Look at all
this junk. I don't even want any of it.
She tosses the bags on the couch.
PEGGY And if I wasn't depressed enough, something horrible happened while I was out shopping.
AL You accidentally bought something for me?
PEGGY No, worse than that. They discontinued my bra.
AL I told you not to wear it out in public.
PEGGY No, you damn shoe salesman! They stopped making it. My Fancy Figure 327 is a thing of
Peggy and Al make their way to the kitchen table and sit.
PEGGY Oh Al, what's gonna become of my breasts? I love how my bosom looks in the Fancy Figure
327. It lifts, it cradles. Al, that is the only style bra I have ever worn.
AL Come on, Peg, The Guys would look good in anything.
PEGGY [smiling] You mean that, Al? You'll still love your little squeezies?
AL Well, sure, Peg, but uh... promised to keep them locked up 'til the sun goes down.
Peggy and Al walk back over to the shopping bags.
PEGGY Well, I'm gonna have to do something about it sooner or later. So I bought 15 different
bras. [holds up a bra] And this is the only one that comes close. The Maxi Force 911 E-Z
Loader. What do you think?
AL Well, I'm thinking, on my birthday do I run to you with my underwear, looking for help?
PEGGY Well, maybe you should, then I could tell you that the bigger hole goes in front.
They both sit on the couch.
AL You know, Peg, I sense you're in a mood here. Y'know, it's just a stinkin' bra, who
PEGGY Let me explain it to you so you'll understand. You know how you like to stick your
finger in your ear? Well, just suppose that one day that ear closed up and the finger
didn't fit anymore.
AL I'd use your fingers like I do when you're sleeping.
PEGGY Doesn't anyone understand?
MARCY Peggy. I just heard about your bra, I'm so sorry. Do you have a back-up?
MARCY Peggy, you have got to plan ahead. Now, I have a back-up and I break it in gradually so
it's not such a shock. And I'm always out scouting. The Pretty Petite 204 looks
promising. Oh, but that's more of a power bra. What you need is a nice, all purpose,
utility bra. But with more woman joining the workforce those are hard to get.
PEGGY Ugh, tell me about it.
MARCY I don't even know why we need bras.
AL Well, I think it's to keep your breasts off the plate when you eat.
MARCY You know, if we put an apple in his mouth we could have a lieu.
PEGGY No, he's got to go to work tomorrow and earn that big money.
Peggy and Marcy burst out laughing.
MARCY You know who we have to blame for this whole bra problem?
MARCY No, men.
Al nods knowingly.
MARCY They design and manufacture bras. Not for the bosoms that we have, but for the bosoms
that they want. Do you know what would happen if men had breasts?
AL We wouldn't need women anymore?
PEGGY And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need batteries anymore.
Al stares at her.
AL That's what happened to my die hard!
MARCY Come on, Peggy, let's go upstairs and see if we can piece some of your old bras
together. That should tide you over till you can break in a replacement.
Peggy and Marcy start upstairs.
PEGGY Oh, Marcy. What am I gonna do? That bra was the only thing in this house that felt good
when it held me.
Peggy and Marcy turn to give Al a look, then continue on their way.
There is a knock at the door. Al gets up to answer it to Steve.
AL I'm glad you're here. I need a bra, Steve.
STEVE Some make-up wouldn't hurt either.
Steve follows Al inside.
AL I'm in real trouble here, Steve. They discontinued my wife's bra, yet my wife lives on.
If I don't get her a good birthday present, I'm in big trouble. It could get ugly. She
could want affection. And as we know, affection is just a hammerlock away from sex.
STEVE So what's the problem? Just get her her old bra and you can hang the big guy up for
AL It's a nice dream, Steve, but I can't do it. She's looked everywhere in town. She can't
find that bra.
STEVE Ah, then she hasn't tried Francine's of Hollywood in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. It's the
ultimate lingerie store. That's where I send for those special, um... [with a sly smile]
"items" I get for Marcy.
AL Do you think they'd have her bra?
STEVE Their motto is, "If you've got the boulders, we've got the holders."
AL It's a long way to go though, isn't it?
PEGGY [from upstairs] Ohh, they don't look right! Al, come up here and hold me!
AL [to Steve] I'll drive.
Francine's of Hollywood. The O's in the "Hollywood" sign have the cups of a bra pushed through
them. The store is full of lingerie and beautiful women.
Al and Steve enter and look around.
AL I knew women looked like this. I knew it, I knew it!
A babe, Corky, (with cleavage on display) approaches Al.
CORKY Excuse me, Sir, would you know where they put the bun sparkle?
AL I think they keep that in the produce department.
The babe walks off.
STEVE Whoa, so many things I want.
They stopped to see another babe pull up her stocking.
The beautiful sales lady, Muffy, walks over to them.
MUFFY May I help you?
STEVE Uh, yes. We'd like to buy some breasts. [quickly:] a bra.
AL And breasts.
STEVE Uh, actually, uh, we're up from Chi-town. We're interested in the Fancy Figure 327. For
my friend here.
AL Oh, gee, I-I don't know, uh... [indicates Peggy's height] How 'bout this tall?
MUFFY Oh, I see. Don't be embarrassed. We often cater to people like you. Now, what size does
your boyfriend like to see you in?
Al and Steve look at each other.
STEVE No, no, no, oh, no, you don't, you don't understand. We're married. [quickly, again:]
Uh, not too each other, to uh, to women.
AL And if I was gay, I'd like to think I could better than him.
STEVE What's that supposed to mean?
AL Well, you don't turn me on. There, I said it! [to Muffy] Anyway, I'm looking for a bra
for my wife, who is a woman... sorta.
MUFFY Well, then I'll need to know her cup size.
Al stares blankly.
MUFFY Is she my size?
Al looks at her hooters.
Al snaps out of his trance.
AL Oh, I'm sorry, I was sweating into my eyes. Uh... what did you say?
MUFFY What's her cup size?
AL Oh, like, uh...
Another gorgeous woman, Peaches, walks passed. Al stops her.
AL Oh, Miss, excuse me, could you help us out here for a minute?
Al holds his hands out in front of Peaches' boobs to measure them.
AL What do you think, Steve, about like this?
STEVE [coldly] I'm not speaking to you.
PEACHES I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm gonna have to take them away now. We have to try on some stuff.
Peaches walks away. Al keeps his hands out in the hooter-honking position.
AL Anyhow, they're about like this.
MUFFY Ahh, 36C. You're a lucky man.
AL Yeah, if they came a la carte. Just give me ten.
Muffy walks off. Al watches her.
AL Uh, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.
Al walks over to Steve who is standing in front of a kinkily dressed mannequin. Steve slowly
extends a finger to touch one of the pasties and Al stops him.
AL Steve, aren't you ashamed of yourself!?
STEVE Oh, come on, Al. She was asking for it, you see how she's dressed. Al, I'm feeling a
little fevered. I'm just gonna go [points to a room behind a curtain] over there and
Steve walks quickly into the back room and closes the curtain. The camera pans to a sign above it
that reads XXX.
Al approaches an elderly man who is sitting at a counter, reading a newspaper.
AL Hey, Pops. How they hanging?
POPS Uh, not too bad, Son, not too bad. I see you're into the Fancy Figure 327. A solid bra.
A bra with its feet on the ground. A real man's bra.
They look over to see a gay man trying on a tiara and admiring himself in a mirror.
AL Ah, look at that. And they wonder why we call them Queens.
POPS Yeah, there oughta be a law.
MUFFY [o.s.] Pops, phone! It's your wife.
POPS Uh, nag, nag, nag, right, Bundy? [Al laughs] Sheesh.
Pops gets up. As he walks out from behind the counter, we see that he is wearing red underpants,
black stockings and a garter belt, and high heels. Al looks horrified.
Back at the Bundy house.
Peggy and Marcy hold up a bra they've constructed.
PEGGY Well, nice try, Marce. But now the right one lifts and the left one cradles. Till now,
the guys have always worked as a team.
MARCY Well, this is just to tide you over till you find the one you want.
PEGGY That's what Mother said about Al. Now look at me.
MARCY Thinking of Al is not going to help anyone.
The doorbell rings.
PEGGY Yeah, you're right. [going to the door] But I can't help it. I feel lower than I did on
our honeymoon when I realised that Al wasn't holding back.
Peggy answers the door to a policeman.
PEGGY Oh, I'm sorry. Kelly's not home.
COP Mrs. Bundy?
The cop puts handcuffs around one of Peggy's wrists.
COP You're under arrest.
PEGGY What for??
COP Parking tickets.
PEGGY Oh, well, that can't be. That's impossible. My car isn't even registered. Officer, isn't
there anything we can do about this?
COP We can dance!
The policeman rips off his shirt and takes off his hat. He escorts a surprised Peggy into the
living room. Marcy plays music from a tape player.
MARCY Happy Birthday, Peggy!
Peggy and Marcy dance with the stripper as he begins to undo his pants.
Al is casually playing with the tassels on the kinkily dressed mannequin. Steve, slightly
flushed, enters from the back room.
STEVE Oh, hi, Al. I was just outside checking the car. The meter's a little low. I'm gonna need
about six dollars in quarters.
Al gives Steve some change. He once again exits into the back room and draws the curtain.
The sales girl approaches Al with his purchase.
Here are your bras, Sir. Would you like some paddles to go with them?
AL Nah, I don't have a ping pong table.
Al gives the girl some money and she walks off.
A pretty girl, Vicki, pokes her head out of a changing room.
VICKI Excuse me, Sir, are you straight?
AL The hairs on my chest are!
VICKI Oh, good. Maybe you can help me. If you were my boyfriend, would you like this?
Vicki rips open the dressing room curtains and reveals herself. She is wearing a sexy white bra,
stockings and garter ensemble. Al stares at her in awe.
VICKI Will he like it?
Al can only nod his head.
VICKI Or maybe he'd like it better without the bra. Like this.
Vicki takes off her bra. Al's eyes bulge and he collapses.
VICKI Yeah, you're right. I don't need the bra.
Vicki walks off. Al is still on the floor, unconscious but smiling.
Peggy and Marcy are sitting on the couch, with the stripper (now in just his underwear) between
them. They all eat popcorn.
PEGGY You know, they change everything good. Remember full service gas stations? They used to
give you gas, change your oil and wash your windows. Now they just look up your dress,
say, "pay before you pump" and, "America - [mimes spitting] pwee."
MARCY They do it with TV shows, too. Remember Mission: Impossible? They cancelled it. What'd
they replace it with? [distastefully] Mission: Impossible.
COP I miss eight track tapes.
Marcy and Peggy look at him.
MARCY I'm not paying you to speak, dear.
Bud enters, with a gift.
BUD Hi, Mom. [sees the stripper] Dad dead?
BUD Wellll, then I guess this is a good time to discuss my... new allowance?
Bud sits, smiling.
PEGGY Don't worry, Bud. He's just an exotic dancer that Mrs. Rhoades got for Mommy's birthday.
Just a rental.
Kelly enters, also with a gift.
KELLY Hi, Mom. [spies the stripper] Dad dead?
PEGGY Just in spirit.
COP Well, I gotta go. Barre exam tomorrow.
The stripper gets up and bends over to gather his things. Marcy, right behind him, hungrily
almost squeezes his buttocks.
COP Happy Birthday, Ma'am.
Marcy gives him some money.
MARCY You're very gifted.
COP Mind if I get dressed upstairs?
PEGGY Oh yeah. First door on the right. Just follow the trail of tears.
The stripper struts upstairs. Marcy and Peggy watch him lustfully.
Peggy and Marcy look back around to Bud and smile.
BUD I know it's uh, anti-climatic, but we got you some presents, too.
PEGGY Oh you didn't have to do that!
BUD [to Kelly] I told you we didn't have to do this! Why do I listen to you?
KELLY It's Mom's birthday. Drop dead, will you? [to Peggy] Here, open mine first.
Kelly gives Peggy her gift and she unwraps it. It's an LP. Peggy reads the title with disgust.
PEGGY Al Jolson's Greatest Hits. [to Kelly] Oh, honey.
KELLY It's a 78!
Marcy laughs hysterically. Peggy looks to her, and she silences herself.
BUD I knew Kelly's would bomb. Now, open mine.
Peggy opens Bud's gift.
BUD Unlike Kelly, I knew you were down about your birthday. So I got you something to make
you feel better.
Bud's gift is a jar of skin cream.
PEGGY [reading the label] Mrs. Yesterday's Wrinkle Remover?? "Smear the years away." [to
Marcy] You know, I'm telling you, when you've got your family, you've got it all. Kids,
no supper tonight. Get out.
Bud and Kelly get up and head for the door.
BUD That settles it. I'm a bachelor for life.
KELLY And a virgin!
They open the door just as Al and Steve enter.
KELLY Dad, if you're smart, you'll toss the present like a hand grenade and sleep at a bus
station like us.
Bud and Kelly leave.
PEGGY Al, it's my birthday. Where have you been?
Marcy jumps up eagerly.
STEVE I don't know, have you been a good little girl?
Marcy runs over to Steve.
MARCY Yes, I have! Yes, I have!
Marcy peeks inside the bag Steve is holding.
MARCY Oh, Steve. I've been bad. I've been very bad.
STEVE Well, come on then...
Steve and Marcy exit quickly. Al shuts the door after them.
AL Yeah, that's a healthy marriage. [sits next to Peg] Guess what I got you?
PEGGY A senior citizen's bus pass?
Al laughs, and gives Peggy her present. She opens the box and becomes happy once she sees her new
PEGGY Al, it's my Fancy Figure 327! I can't believe this. You found it!
AL I got ten of them, so as long as they live, The Guys will always have a roof over their
PEGGY Aw, Al, you are the sweetest man in the whole world.
AL I know...
Al leans forward for Peggy to kiss his cheek.
PEGGY Ohh, honey.
Peggy puts her arm on Al's shoulder and kisses him.
AL Where'd you get the handcuffs?
PEGGY Oh... they were a gift. [smiles] Al, you don't think I'm getting old, do you?
AL Peg, you look just they way you did the day I married you. Only difference is, today I'm
not dead drunk!
PEGGY Oh, Al!
AL Alright, Peg, we both know this isn't the end of it. Let's get to it.
PEGGY Let's go upstairs.
AL See? You're never satisfied. You know what I had to go through to get that present? I
had to drive to Wisconsin. I had to reassure Steve that I find him attractive. I had to
sit in a store for an hour and look at nothing but, um... [Al thinks back and his eyes
widen] ... Yeah, let's go upstairs.
Al leads Peggy by the handcuffs upstairs. They giggle.
DIRECTED BY GERRY CHOEN
WRITTEN BY MARCY VOSBURGH & SANDY SPRUNG
CREATED BY RON LEAVITT and MICHAEL G. MOYE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
They make it upstairs.
AL [o.s.] Peg, who's the cop with his pants on backwards?
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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