0306 (041)


Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike....................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

April Wayne...........Muffy
Devan Devasquez.......Vicki
Bill Smillie..........Pops
Deron McBee...........Policeman
Lynee Austin..........Peaches
Tally Chanel..........Corky



The kitchen.
Peggy is standing at the counter, stirring her coffee. "Respect" by Aretha Franklin plays on the
radio. Peggy stops stirring, then uses her spoon as a pretend microphone and begins singing and
dancing to the music. 
As Peggy dances towards the living room, Bud and Kelly can be seen on the stairs, watching her.

KELLY    This is so sad. Look at her. Every year it's the same thing.

BUD      Yep, The Birthday Hop.

Peggy mimes to the "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" part of the song.

KELLY    You'd think she'd learn. I mean, every year she turns on the oldies station, cranks it
         up real loud and dances the dances of our Four Fathers. Oh, and then she realises how
         old she is and gets depressed. Watch.

The song ends. Peggy is smiling.

TV       Remember that one? If you do, you must be a hundred [Peggy reacts] 'cause it was over
         twenty years ago! That was one for you, Grandma.

Peggy turns off the radio with disgust.

KELLY    So sad, so sad. [starting down the stairs] Bud, if I ever get old and act like that will
         you please shoot me?

BUD      Why wait?

Bud and Kelly comes downstairs. Peggy walks past them and sits on the couch.

BUD      Hi Mom.

KELLY    Hi Mom.

PEGGY    Leave me alone.

Al comes home.

AL       Hi, Peg! How ya doing?

PEGGY    How am I doing? It's my birthday and you have the audacity to ask me how I'm doing??

Al sits next to her. Peggy sighs.

PEGGY    The best years of my life are over. And the worst part is, I spent them with you. [Al
         reacts] By the way, Al, am I still attractive?

AL       Peg, you're still the same knee in the groin you were when you were sixteen.

PEGGY    I don't believe you. You didn't say it with feeling. You are an insensitive hog of a
         man. Oh, I gotta do something to shake these birthday blues. [Al takes out his wallet] I
         know, give me money. I'm going to shop till you drop.

Al opens his wallet up and Peggy removes all the cash from it and begins counting it.

PEGGY    Oh, uh, by the way, Al. This doesn't get you off the hook from a present. And this year, 
         I want something different.

AL       Well, Peg, I only know how to do it one way.

PEGGY    And one day maybe you'll get it right. No, honey. This year I want something that lasts
         longer than three minutes. I want a real gift. I want you to spend money on me, Al.

AL       [displaying his empty wallet] Peg, I have no more money!

PEGGY    Well, that doesn't stop me from spending it. God! Do I have to do everything around

Peggy gets up, grabs her coat and leaves.
Bud and Kelly sit next to Al.

KELLY    Hi Dad.

BUD      Hi Dad.

AL       Kids, why didn't you tell me it was your mother's birthday? I wouldn't have come home.

KELLY    Dad, do you know what we love about you?

AL       How could I?

KELLY    It's that you're old but it's okay.

BUD      Yeah, like Popeye. You yam what you yam.

KELLY    You're the greatest, Dad.

Kelly kisses him on the cheek.
Bud holds out his hand, expecting money.

AL       I'm broke, Son.

BUD      Don't call me "son".

Bud exits.

AL       Kelly, let me ask you a question...

KELLY    [quickly] Daddy, no matter what you heard on the streets, I'm a good girl and I never
         would've done that.

AL       No, no... It's about your mom.

KELLY    [quickly] Daddy, no matter what you heard on the streets, she's a good girl and she
         never would've...

AL       No, no! I wanna talk about her birthday. I don't know what to get your mother. Maybe
         your being a girl will come in handy for once. Any ideas?

KELLY    Well, it's not as easy as it sounds, Dad. She's real down about this age thing. You've
         gotta understand something. Mom was around before I was even born. It's harder for a
         woman to get old. there's so many more places to sag. Y'know I've seen college girls.
         Just starting to age. The little lines they get around their eyes when they smile. The
         hair on their knuckles starting to darken. The fear in their face as they find
         themselves staring at the big 2-5. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that...
         wait, what was the question?

Al pats Kelly on the head.


Later in the day. Al is on the phone.

AL       Yeah, I'd like to get some flowers for my wife's birthday. Uh, what can I get for $3.95? 
         [listens] Well, how much for some seeds? Hello? Hello??

Al hangs up. Peggy enters, laden with shopping bags. She sighs.

AL       Oh, hi, Peg. How ya doing?

PEGGY    I feel so empty. I shopped and I shopped and I still couldn't get happy. Look at all
         this junk. I don't even want any of it.

She tosses the bags on the couch.

PEGGY    And if I wasn't depressed enough, something horrible happened while I was out shopping.

AL       You accidentally bought something for me?

PEGGY    No, worse than that. They discontinued my bra.

AL       I told you not to wear it out in public.

PEGGY    No, you damn shoe salesman! They stopped making it. My Fancy Figure 327 is a thing of
         the past. 

Peggy and Al make their way to the kitchen table and sit.

PEGGY    Oh Al, what's gonna become of my breasts? I love how my bosom looks in the Fancy Figure
         327. It lifts, it cradles. Al, that is the only style bra I have ever worn.

AL       Come on, Peg, The Guys would look good in anything.

PEGGY    [smiling] You mean that, Al? You'll still love your little squeezies?

Al giggles.

AL       Well, sure, Peg, but uh... promised to keep them locked up 'til the sun goes down.

Peggy and Al walk back over to the shopping bags.

PEGGY    Well, I'm gonna have to do something about it sooner or later. So I bought 15 different
         bras. [holds up a bra] And this is the only one that comes close. The Maxi Force 911 E-Z
         Loader. What do you think?

AL       Well, I'm thinking, on my birthday do I run to you with my underwear, looking for help?

PEGGY    Well, maybe you should, then I could tell you that the bigger hole goes in front.

They both sit on the couch.

AL       You know, Peg, I sense you're in a mood here. Y'know, it's just a stinkin' bra, who

PEGGY    Let me explain it to you so you'll understand. You know how you like to stick your
         finger in your ear? Well, just suppose that one day that ear closed up and the finger
         didn't fit anymore.

AL       I'd use your fingers like I do when you're sleeping.

PEGGY    Doesn't anyone understand?

Marcy enters.

MARCY    Peggy. I just heard about your bra, I'm so sorry. Do you have a back-up?

PEGGY    No.

MARCY    Peggy, you have got to plan ahead. Now, I have a back-up and I break it in gradually so
         it's not such a shock. And I'm always out scouting. The Pretty Petite 204 looks
         promising. Oh, but that's more of a power bra. What you need is a nice, all purpose,
         utility bra. But with more woman joining the workforce those are hard to get.

PEGGY    Ugh, tell me about it.

MARCY    I don't even know why we need bras.

AL       Well, I think it's to keep your breasts off the plate when you eat.

MARCY    You know, if we put an apple in his mouth we could have a lieu.

PEGGY    No, he's got to go to work tomorrow and earn that big money.

Peggy and Marcy burst out laughing.

MARCY    You know who we have to blame for this whole bra problem?

AL       Me?

MARCY    No, men.

Al nods knowingly.

MARCY    They design and manufacture bras. Not for the bosoms that we have, but for the bosoms
         that they want. Do you know what would happen if men had breasts?

AL       We wouldn't need women anymore?

PEGGY    And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need batteries anymore.

Al stares at her.

AL       That's what happened to my die hard!

MARCY    Come on, Peggy, let's go upstairs and see if we can piece some of your old bras 
         together. That should tide you over till you can break in a replacement.

Peggy and Marcy start upstairs.

PEGGY    Oh, Marcy. What am I gonna do? That bra was the only thing in this house that felt good
         when it held me.

Peggy and Marcy turn to give Al a look, then continue on their way.
There is a knock at the door. Al gets up to answer it to Steve.

AL       I'm glad you're here. I need a bra, Steve.

STEVE    Some make-up wouldn't hurt either.

Steve follows Al inside.

AL       I'm in real trouble here, Steve. They discontinued my wife's bra, yet my wife lives on.
         If I don't get her a good birthday present, I'm in big trouble. It could get ugly. She
         could want affection. And as we know, affection is just a hammerlock away from sex.

STEVE    So what's the problem? Just get her her old bra and you can hang the big guy up for
         another year.

AL       It's a nice dream, Steve, but I can't do it. She's looked everywhere in town. She can't
         find that bra.

STEVE    Ah, then she hasn't tried Francine's of Hollywood in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. It's the
         ultimate lingerie store. That's where I send for those special, um... [with a sly smile]
         "items" I get for Marcy.

AL       Do you think they'd have her bra?

STEVE    Their motto is, "If you've got the boulders, we've got the holders."

AL       It's a long way to go though, isn't it?

PEGGY    [from upstairs] Ohh, they don't look right! Al, come up here and hold me!

AL       [to Steve] I'll drive.


Francine's of Hollywood. The O's in the "Hollywood" sign have the cups of a bra pushed through
them. The store is full of lingerie and beautiful women.
Al and Steve enter and look around.

AL       I knew women looked like this. I knew it, I knew it!

A babe, Corky, (with cleavage on display) approaches Al.

CORKY    Excuse me, Sir, would you know where they put the bun sparkle?

AL       I think they keep that in the produce department.

CORKY    Thanks.

The babe walks off.

STEVE    Whoa, so many things I want.

They stopped to see another babe pull up her stocking.
The beautiful sales lady, Muffy, walks over to them.

MUFFY    May I help you?

STEVE    Uh, yes. We'd like to buy some breasts. [quickly:] a bra.

AL       And breasts.

STEVE    Uh, actually, uh, we're up from Chi-town. We're interested in the Fancy Figure 327. For
         my friend here.

MUFFY    Size?

AL       Oh, gee, I-I don't know, uh... [indicates Peggy's height] How 'bout this tall?  

MUFFY    Oh, I see. Don't be embarrassed. We often cater to people like you. Now, what size does
         your boyfriend like to see you in?

Al and Steve look at each other.

STEVE    No, no, no, oh, no, you don't, you don't understand. We're married. [quickly, again:]
         Uh, not too each other, to uh, to women.

AL       And if I was gay, I'd like to think I could better than him.

STEVE    What's that supposed to mean?

AL       Well, you don't turn me on. There, I said it! [to Muffy] Anyway, I'm looking for a bra
         for my wife, who is a woman... sorta.

MUFFY    Well, then I'll need to know her cup size.

Al stares blankly.

MUFFY    Is she my size?

Al looks at her hooters.

MUFFY    Sir?

Al snaps out of his trance.

AL       Oh, I'm sorry, I was sweating into my eyes. Uh... what did you say?

MUFFY    What's her cup size?

AL       Oh, like, uh...

Another gorgeous woman, Peaches, walks passed. Al stops her.

AL       Oh, Miss, excuse me, could you help us out here for a minute?


Al       Uhm...

Al holds his hands out in front of Peaches' boobs to measure them.

AL       What do you think, Steve, about like this?

STEVE    [coldly] I'm not speaking to you.

PEACHES  I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm gonna have to take them away now. We have to try on some stuff.

Peaches walks away. Al keeps his hands out in the hooter-honking position.

AL       Anyhow, they're about like this.

MUFFY    Ahh, 36C. You're a lucky man.

AL       Yeah, if they came a la carte. Just give me ten.

Muffy walks off. Al watches her.

AL       Uh, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.

Al walks over to Steve who is standing in front of a kinkily dressed mannequin. Steve slowly
extends a finger to touch one of the pasties and Al stops him.

AL       Steve, aren't you ashamed of yourself!?

STEVE    Oh, come on, Al. She was asking for it, you see how she's dressed. Al, I'm feeling a
         little fevered. I'm just gonna go [points to a room behind a curtain] over there and
         cool off.

Steve walks quickly into the back room and closes the curtain. The camera pans to a sign above it 
that reads XXX.
Al approaches an elderly man who is sitting at a counter, reading a newspaper.

AL       Hey, Pops. How they hanging?

POPS     Uh, not too bad, Son, not too bad. I see you're into the Fancy Figure 327. A solid bra.
         A bra with its feet on the ground. A real man's bra.

They look over to see a gay man trying on a tiara and admiring himself in a mirror.

AL       Ah, look at that. And they wonder why we call them Queens.

POPS     Yeah, there oughta be a law.

MUFFY    [o.s.] Pops, phone! It's your wife.

POPS     Uh, nag, nag, nag, right, Bundy? [Al laughs] Sheesh.

Pops gets up. As he walks out from behind the counter, we see that he is wearing red underpants,
black stockings and a garter belt, and high heels. Al looks horrified.


Back at the Bundy house. 
Peggy and Marcy hold up a bra they've constructed.

PEGGY    Well, nice try, Marce. But now the right one lifts and the left one cradles. Till now,
         the guys have always worked as a team.

MARCY    Well, this is just to tide you over till you find the one you want.

PEGGY    That's what Mother said about Al. Now look at me.

MARCY    Thinking of Al is not going to help anyone.

The doorbell rings.

PEGGY    Yeah, you're right. [going to the door] But I can't help it. I feel lower than I did on
         our honeymoon when I realised that Al wasn't holding back.

Peggy answers the door to a policeman.

PEGGY    Oh, I'm sorry. Kelly's not home.

COP      Mrs. Bundy?

PEGGY    Yes.

The cop puts handcuffs around one of Peggy's wrists.

COP      You're under arrest.

PEGGY    What for??

COP      Parking tickets.

PEGGY    Oh, well, that can't be. That's impossible. My car isn't even registered. Officer, isn't 
         there anything we can do about this?

COP      We can dance!

The policeman rips off his shirt and takes off his hat. He escorts a surprised Peggy into the
living room. Marcy plays music from a tape player.

MARCY    Happy Birthday, Peggy!

Peggy and Marcy dance with the stripper as he begins to undo his pants.


Al is casually playing with the tassels on the kinkily dressed mannequin. Steve, slightly 
flushed, enters from the back room.

STEVE    Oh, hi, Al. I was just outside checking the car. The meter's a little low. I'm gonna need 
         about six dollars in quarters.

Al gives Steve some change. He once again exits into the back room and draws the curtain.
The sales girl approaches Al with his purchase.

Here are your bras, Sir. Would you like some paddles to go with them?

AL       Nah, I don't have a ping pong table.

Al gives the girl some money and she walks off. 
A pretty girl, Vicki, pokes her head out of a changing room.

VICKI    Excuse me, Sir, are you straight?

AL       The hairs on my chest are!

VICKI    Oh, good. Maybe you can help me. If you were my boyfriend, would you like this?

Vicki rips open the dressing room curtains and reveals herself. She is wearing a sexy white bra,
stockings and garter ensemble. Al stares at her in awe.

VICKI    Will he like it?

Al can only nod his head.

VICKI    Or maybe he'd like it better without the bra. Like this.

Vicki takes off her bra. Al's eyes bulge and he collapses.

VICKI    Yeah, you're right. I don't need the bra.

Vicki walks off. Al is still on the floor, unconscious but smiling.


Peggy and Marcy are sitting on the couch, with the stripper (now in just his underwear) between
them. They all eat popcorn.

PEGGY    You know, they change everything good. Remember full service gas stations? They used to
         give you gas, change your oil and wash your windows. Now they just look up your dress,
         say, "pay before you pump" and, "America - [mimes spitting] pwee." 

MARCY    They do it with TV shows, too. Remember Mission: Impossible? They cancelled it. What'd
         they replace it with? [distastefully] Mission: Impossible.

COP      I miss eight track tapes.

Marcy and Peggy look at him.

MARCY    I'm not paying you to speak, dear.

Bud enters, with a gift.

BUD      Hi, Mom. [sees the stripper] Dad dead?

PEGGY    No.

BUD      Wellll, then I guess this is a good time to discuss my... new allowance?

Bud sits, smiling.

PEGGY    Don't worry, Bud. He's just an exotic dancer that Mrs. Rhoades got for Mommy's birthday. 
         Just a rental.

Kelly enters, also with a gift.

KELLY    Hi, Mom. [spies the stripper] Dad dead?

PEGGY    Just in spirit.

COP      Well, I gotta go. Barre exam tomorrow.

The stripper gets up and bends over to gather his things. Marcy, right behind him, hungrily
almost squeezes his buttocks.

COP      Happy Birthday, Ma'am.

Marcy gives him some money.

MARCY    You're very gifted.

COP      Mind if I get dressed upstairs?

PEGGY    Oh yeah. First door on the right. Just follow the trail of tears.

The stripper struts upstairs. Marcy and Peggy watch him lustfully.

BUD      Ahem!

Peggy and Marcy look back around to Bud and smile.

BUD      I know it's uh, anti-climatic, but we got you some presents, too.

PEGGY    Oh you didn't have to do that!

BUD      [to Kelly] I told you we didn't have to do this! Why do I listen to you?

KELLY    It's Mom's birthday. Drop dead, will you? [to Peggy] Here, open mine first.

PEGGY    Aww.

Kelly gives Peggy her gift and she unwraps it. It's an LP. Peggy reads the title with disgust.

PEGGY    Al Jolson's Greatest Hits. [to Kelly] Oh, honey.

KELLY    It's a 78!

Marcy laughs hysterically. Peggy looks to her, and she silences herself.

BUD      I knew Kelly's would bomb. Now, open mine.

Peggy opens Bud's gift. 

BUD      Unlike Kelly, I knew you were down about your birthday. So I got you something to make
         you feel better.

Bud's gift is a jar of skin cream.

PEGGY    [reading the label] Mrs. Yesterday's Wrinkle Remover?? "Smear the years away." [to
         Marcy] You know, I'm telling you, when you've got your family, you've got it all. Kids,
         no supper tonight. Get out.

Bud and Kelly get up and head for the door.

BUD      That settles it. I'm a bachelor for life.

KELLY    And a virgin!

They open the door just as Al and Steve enter.

KELLY    Dad, if you're smart, you'll toss the present like a hand grenade and sleep at a bus
         station like us.

Bud and Kelly leave.

PEGGY    Al, it's my birthday. Where have you been?

AL       Oconomowoc.

Marcy jumps up eagerly.

MARCY    Francine's???

STEVE    I don't know, have you been a good little girl?

Marcy runs over to Steve.

MARCY    Yes, I have! Yes, I have!

Marcy peeks inside the bag Steve is holding.

MARCY    Oh, Steve. I've been bad. I've been very bad.

STEVE    Well, come on then...

Steve and Marcy exit quickly. Al shuts the door after them.

AL       Yeah, that's a healthy marriage. [sits next to Peg] Guess what I got you?

PEGGY    A senior citizen's bus pass?

Al laughs, and gives Peggy her present. She opens the box and becomes happy once she sees her new 

PEGGY    Al, it's my Fancy Figure 327! I can't believe this. You found it!

AL       I got ten of them, so as long as they live, The Guys will always have a roof over their

PEGGY    Aw, Al, you are the sweetest man in the whole world.

AL       I know...

Al leans forward for Peggy to kiss his cheek.

PEGGY    Ohh, honey.

Peggy puts her arm on Al's shoulder and kisses him.

AL       Where'd you get the handcuffs?

PEGGY    Oh... they were a gift. [smiles] Al, you don't think I'm getting old, do you?

AL       Peg, you look just they way you did the day I married you. Only difference is, today I'm 
         not dead drunk!

PEGGY    Oh, Al!

They laugh.

AL       Alright, Peg, we both know this isn't the end of it. Let's get to it.

PEGGY    Let's go upstairs.

AL       See? You're never satisfied. You know what I had to go through to get that present? I
         had to drive to Wisconsin. I had to reassure Steve that I find him attractive. I had to
         sit in a store for an hour and look at nothing but, um... [Al thinks back and his eyes
         widen] ... Yeah, let's go upstairs.

Al leads Peggy by the handcuffs upstairs. They giggle.


They make it upstairs. 

AL       [o.s.] Peg, who's the cop with his pants on backwards?


Transcribed by Marriedaniac


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