EPISODE: 0301 (039)
A PERIOD PIECE
AL BUNDY .............. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ........... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ......... DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ......... AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ........... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ............. DAVID FAUSTINO
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
(PEGGY AND AL ARE ON THE COUCH. FAST FOOD WRAPPERS ARE IN FRONT OF THEM. AL CRUMPLES AN EMPTY
WRAPPER AND TOSSES IT. HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND PEGGY)
AL Another great meal, Peg. Y'know, honey, you're incredible. You ignore the children, you
neglect the house, and still you find time to let the dinner get cold before you serve
it. How do you do it?
PEGGY (MODESTLY) Well, Al. I guess I care enough about me, not to care about you.
(AL LAUGHS AND KISSES PEGGY)
AL Y'know, it's times like these I'd like to take you upstairs, and plug that hole in
roof. Now, listen, Peg. My week off starts tonight, so if there's anyplace you ever
wanted to go, gets the kids, pack up and I'll see you in a week.
PEGGY Not this year, Al. Every time I leave you alone, you just mess this house up.
(PEGGY PICKS UP A BAG AND TOSSES IT BEHIND THE COUCH)
PEGGY This year you're gonna do all those things that you promised to do when you have the time.
(PEGGY TAKES OUT LIST)
PEGGY Let's see. Consumate marriage. Nah, that's more of a do-it-yourself job.
(PEGGY CROSSES IT OFF. AL REACTS)
PEGGY Here we go. Here's the stuff you can do. Paint the house, plant the lawn, caulk the
the windows, ... (SNEAKING IT IN) ... do the laundry. (SNEAKS LOOK AT AL) Fix the
toilet, clean the gutters, and, if you have time, talk to the children.
AL Both Bud and Nancy?
PEGGY It's Kelly, Al.
AL Whatever. Listen, Peg, I don't wanna do anything. It's my week off.
PEGGY But honey, if you don't do these chores, who will?
AL How 'bout Sid and Nancy?
PEGGY It's Bud and Kelly.
AL Yeah, them.
AL Can you get that, Peg?
PEGGY (TAKES LIST AND WRITES) Answer door. (HANDS LIST TO AL) Good night, honey.
(PEGGY EXITS UPSTAIRS. AL ANSWERS THE DOOR TO STEVE)
AL Oh. Steve. Gee, must be my lucky day.
STEVE Why, they raised the minimum wage?
STEVE Listen, Al. Remember last week we were talking about going fishing on your week off?
Well, I rented us a cabin on a lake so loaded with fish, they jump on your hook. It's
just the way wilderness should be. "No trespassing" signs everywhere. And a Seven-Eleven
ten minutes away. What do you think?
AL What do I think?
(AL MIMICS THE OPENING BARS OF "DUELING BANJOES" FROM DELIVERANCE. THEN STEVE TAKES THE
SECOND BAR. THEY MIMIC TOGETHER A FEW BEATS)
AL Let's not wake up Peg. If she hears me having a good time, she'll want some too. How long
do we have the cabin for?
STEVE Five whole days.
AL Five days. Oh, man.
STEVE Now, listen, Al. This cabin cost me two hundred and fifty dollars.
AL Hey, don't apologize to me, Steve. If I'm going for free I have no right to complain.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MORNING
(AL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH HOLDING A YELLOW NOTE. HIS FISHING GEAR IS NEARBY)
AL (READING NOTE ALOUD) Dear Peg. By the time you read this there will be nothing
you can do about it. I was called away on an emergency fishing trip. I'll be away
a week. I wouldn't blame you if you took the kids and left me. But if you do,
take the dog too. I guess this is goodbye. Love, Al. (CROSSES SOMETHING OUT) Al.
(THE DOOR OPENS AND STEVE STICKS HIS HEAD IN)
STEVE (SINGING WHISPER) Cock-a-doodle-doo.
(AL MOTIONS STEVE IN AND TURNS AROUND TO GET HIS FISHING GEAR. STEVE AND MARCY, DRESSED FOR
CABINING, ENTER. AL TURNS BACK, SEES BOTH OF THEM AND REACTS)
AL Hi, Steve. Marcy.
(AL PULLS STEVE ASIDE)
AL Steve, aren't you afraid she'll find out about the trip?
STEVE What kind of a guy do you think I am? Like I'd really go away for a week without my
MARCY Where's Peggy? (CALLING UPSTAIRS) Come on, Peg. Time to go.
PEGGY (O.S.) Marcy, is that you?
MARCY Yeah. C'mon. Wake the kids. We're going fishing.
PEGGY (O.S.) Shhh. Not so loud. You'll wake up Al.
(AL REACTS AND STARES AT STEVE)
INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - DAY
(MARCY ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY PEGGY. THEY OOH AND AAH)
MARCY I love it! It's so rustic! (TAKING DEEP BREATH) And the air smells great!
PEGGY Yeah, well, get it while you can. Once Al settles in, the shoes come off.
(PEGGY HANGS HER COAT. SHE POSES FOR MARCY TO TAKE A PICTURE. AL, STEVE AND BUD ENTER.
THEY ARE LOADED DOWN WITH STUFF)
AL Okay. Peg, this hairdryer is yours. And these cases of bottled water, Marcy, are yours.
And I believe this hernia is mine.
(MARCY TAKES A PICTURE OF A PAINED AL)
MARCY It's a beautiful cabin, Steve.
BUD Great job, Mr. Rhoades.
(BUT PUTS OUT HIS HAND FOR "FIVE". STEVE GOES TO SLAP HIM FIVE BUT BUD PULLS HIS HAND AWAY
AND SMOOTHS HIS HAIR. STEVE REACTS)
PEGGY Isn't he cute?
STEVE (MUTTERS) Even squid love their young.
(KELLY ENTERS, WITH THE FISHING EQUIPMENT. SHE TOSSES THEM DOWN)
KELLY What a dump.
AL Kelly, honey, let me explain something about fishing rods. When you throw them down,
you break them. Then daddy can't fish. And if daddy can't fish, he's stuck with mommy.
If daddy's stuck with mommy, nobody leaves here alive.
KELLY I didn't ask to come, and I didn't ask to be born.
AL (BEAT) Peg?
PEGGY Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
AL What the hell did we bring her for then?
(KELLY THROWS HERSELF IN A CHAIR)
BUD Squeaked through another month, eh, Kell?
KELLY Your mother.
BUD Your father.
PEGGY Now, kids. Let's leave the insults at home, huh?
(PEGGY PUSHES BUD AWAY FROM KELLY)
AL Now, look, Kelly. I came up here for a good time. Now, I understand why you have to do
this. I just don't understand why it has to be now.
KELLY Go away.
AL "Go away, daddy".
KELLY Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's my room?
STEVE This is it.
KELLY You mean there's no bedroom?
STEVE Of course not, it's a cabin.
KELLY It's an outhouse.
AL Hey, this place cost me and Steve a small fortune and you're gonna like it.
PEGGY Oh, c'mon, everybody. Let's have fun. I know! Let's go shopping. We passed a nice little
rustic store on the way up here, where the men were chopping wood with their shirts off.
(AL AND STEVE STARE AT PEGGY)
PEGGY Well, you know what they say. You can never have enough lumber.
MARCY I know what we can do, let's go on a nature hunt. We can collect leaves and arrowheads
and take pictures of the wildlife.
AL Yeah. Then we'll all get naked and sing "This Land Is Your Land". I don't know about you,
Steve, but I'm goin' fishin'.
STEVE I'm with you, buddy.
BUD Just us men, eh, Mr. Rhoades?
STEVE You said it.
(BUD PUTS OUT HIS HAND FOR "FIVE". STEVE GIVES IT TO HIM. BUD FAKES HIM OUT AGAIN. HE
SNICKERS. AL SMILES PROUDLY. AL EXITS. BUD STRUTS OUT. STEVE STICKS HIS FOOT OUT AND TRIPS
BUD AS HE EXITS. STEVE LOOKS PROUD, GIVES HIMSELF A FIVE AND EXITS. THE GIRLS REACT WITH
INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - LATER
(THE DOOR OPENS. THE GUYS ENTER HAPPILY)
AL Hey, girls. What do you say to this?
(THE GUYS HOLD UP ONE LITTLE FISH EACH. WE SEE THE GIRLS STARING AT THEM HATEFULLY, ROCKING AND
HOLDING THEIR STOMACHS. THE GUYS REACT AND LOWER THEIR FISH)
AL Oh, no.
STEVE What is it, Al?
(SHOT OF THE GIRLS ROCKING AND HOLDING THEIR STOMACHS, MUTTERING HATEFULLY)
AL Periods, Steve. Three of 'em.
(BUD RUNS AND HIDES BEHIND AL'S BACK)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - NIGHT
(THE GIRLS ARE TOGETHER ON ONE SIDE OF THE CABIN. PEGGY TOWELS HERSELF. KELLY MASSAGES HER
TEMPLES. MARCY HAS A COMPRESS ON HER FOREHEAD. THE GUYS HUDDLE TOGETHER AROUND A TABLE, WATCHING
NERVOUSLY. THEY TALK SOFTLY AMONG THEMSELVES)
AL (IN AWE) All three at once. What do they do? Give it to each other?
STEVE Actually, it's an interesting phenomenon that happens quite often. I read they did a
study of a girls' college dormitory and most of the women wound up menstruating at
the same time.
BUD What should we do now?
AL (BRIGHTLY) Eat! (TO PEGGY) Hey, Peg, you know the deal. We catch 'em, you clean 'em.
(PEGGY CROSSES TO AL, TAKES HIS FISH, AND, LAUGHING, WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW AND TOSSES THE
PEGGY It's clean.
AL (TO STEVE) You see why I never go anywhere with her?
STEVE Now, Al. Let's not panic. What women need at a time like this is compassion, love and
understanding. Partners through life, partners through strife.
(STEVE WALKS OVER TO MARCY)
STEVE Marcy. Let's talk.
MARCY Fine. Let's talk about fourteen months ago when I wanted to see that movie and you
were too tired. And about the time you wore that gray sweater. I hate that sweater. I
hate you, Steve. Everything about you. Every breath you take, every move you make. You,
sir, stink. (BREAKING DOWN) I feel so bloated and so ugly. See how mean he is to me, Peg?
(THE GIRLS STARE HATEFULLY AT STEVE. A BEAT, THEN STEVE GOES BACK TO THE GUYS)
STEVE Well, Marcy's okay.
AL Bud, go over and say something nice to your sister.
BUD Dad, I don't even like her.
AL Who does? Just go.
(BUD CROSSES TO KELLY)
BUD Hi, Kell. Hmm, you're carrying that extra chin very nicely.
(KELLY GIVE BUD A HATEFUL LOOK. WE SEE AL AND STEVE WATCHING)
(AL AND STEVE REACT. BUD WALKS BACK DOUBLED OVER)
BUD (IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You're next, dad.
AL Not me, son. I just did what Custer should have. Used scouts. (TO STEVE) You know why
they're doing this to us, don't you, Steve. It's because we were gonna have fun.
That's why they invented this period thing. Back before man, women didn't have
periods. Gee, it would have been nice to have lived then. You know who was a good
woman. Veronica, y'know, from "Archie"'s comics. Veronica never had a period.
STEVE That's true. But she still had an attitude problem.
AL You're right. There are no good ones.
MARCY It's cold in here.
PEGGY It's hot in here.
KELLY It's hot and cold in here.
BUD We're in some major league trouble here, men.
(STEVE GESTURES TO AL AND THEY GET UP TO CONFER AWAY FROM BUD)
STEVE The kid's right, Al. I'm scared.
AL Be thankful yours just kills. It's quick. It's clean. Mine, like the black widow,
wants to mate before she kills.
(AL LOOKS OVER AT PEGGY. SHE WINKS AT AL AND MAKES A KISSING SOUND TO HIM. HE REACTS)
AL I'm a dead man.
(AL AND STEVE REJOIN BUD AT THE TABLE)
AL Let's go to bed and let them suffer. We'll wake up refreshed, go fishing, and let them
kill each other.
(THE GUYS HIGH-FIVE HAPPILY)
INT. CABIN - MORNING
SUPER: "DAY TWO... 6:52 A.M."
(WE SEE THE WOMEN SLEEPING. WE SEE BUD SLEEPING IN A CHAIR. THERE IS A "GONE FISHING" SIGN ON
THE CHAIR NEXT TO BUD. THE GIRLS WAKE UP)
PEGGY God, I feel foul.
KELLY I'm so bloated, even my teeth are swollen.
MARCY If I retain any more water in my body, they can build a pier across my butt.
(THE GIRLS STAND UP)
KELLY Oh, I need a back rub.
MARCY I need a foot rub.
PEGGY I need someone to yell at. Where are the men?
MARCY (HATEFULLY) I bet they went fishing.
PEGGY Isn't that just like men? When we need them most, they're never around. Men are the
KELLY Let's pretend Bud's a man and kill him.
(THE GIRLS FORM A SEMI-CIRCLE AROUND BUD. HE STIRS AWAKE, SEES THEM)
BUD Men, we're surrounded.
(BUD NOTICES THAT THE OTHER CHAIRS ARE EMPTY)
BUD (FRIGHTENED) Men?
(AL AND STEVE ENTER, SCARED. THEY SLAM THE DOOR)
PEGGY What happened?
AL We were walking through the woods, quiet as you please, when all of a sudden the
ground started shaking and something came crashing through a bush. I thought it was you,
Peg, but it didn't want my wallet.
STEVE It was a bear. A big one. With my name on it.
(THE MEN LOOK OUT THE WINDOW)
STEVE There he is.
AL That's a moose. The bear is over there, spraying your tires.
STEVE My Mercedes! Stop that. Bad! Bad bear.
BUD What do they want? We have no food.
STEVE They don't want us, Bud. Let me talk to your father alone.
(AL AND STEVE STEP AWAY FROM THE WINDOW)
STEVE See, Al, wild animals can sense when women are, uh...
AL Killing their husbands?
STEVE No, Al. When they're... cycling.
(AL STARES AT STEVE)
STEVE Don't you understand? They want our women.
AL Well, then our women they shall have. Oh, Peg...
(PEGGY WINKS AT AL AND MAKES KISSING SOUNDS)
AL (TO STEVE) We've gotta get out of here.
STEVE We can't get out of here. We're trapped.
KELLY Well, somebody has to go for help. Oh, and chocolate.
STEVE Gee, I'd love to, honey, but I can't. There's a moose filling my gas tank. I'd hate to
interrupt him right now.
PEGGY (INDICATES GUYS) Look at them. Our protectors. The Great White Hunters. You know, in the
old days, those men would have gone out there, fought the bear, and come back with supper
and a nice rug. Now, you send them for milk, they come back with a leaking carton, a
runny nose, and a bad back. You know, it's amazing. The one thing they're good for,
they're not good at.
MARCY I hate the way they won't ask directions when they're lost.
PEGGY And the way they leave the toilet seat up.
KELLY And the way they ask you to chip in for the motel room.
(PEGGY AND MARCY STARE AT KELLY)
KELLY So... I've heard.
(THE GUYS ARE AT THE WINDOW)
AL Well, the cast of Bambi is out there now. And in here we have some of the seven
dwarves. Puffy, Crabby and Horny. So, I'd say it's safe to say that this day is shot.
What say we all turn in?
(AL LIES DOWN)
PEGGY Al, it is seven-thirty in the morning.
AL Well, Peg, we're out in the woods now. You get up early, you go to bed early. Good night.
(AL MAKES KISSING NOISES AND SETTLES IN)
INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - MORNING
SUPER: "DAY FOUR 11:30 A.M."
(MARCY BRINGS A POT TO THE TABLE, WHERE PEGGY AND KELLY ARE SITTING)
MARCY More hot water for breakfast, anyone?
(AL STRETCHES, SCRATCHES HIMSELF AND GETS OUT OF HIS SLEEPING BAG)
AL What's today?
MARCY It's Thursday.
AL Did I miss anything?
PEGGY Yeah. Wednesday.
AL Well, I guess I'll turn in, then.
KELLY Daddy, we're starving to death.
BUD And some of us are aging badly.
(BUD INDICATES KELLY)
KELLY Zip it, pimple farm. Daddy, do something.
AL I'm going to, pumpkin. I'm going to take a nap in a few minutes. (TO STEVE, WHO IS AT THE
WINDOW) Oh, Steve, how's the car?
STEVE Well, Al. You can still just about tell it's a Mercedes. Of course, the tires are flat
but that's probably because of the porcupine quills, and that cougar that went in through
the sun roof only looks like he's driving. 'Cause I've got the keys. So I guess the
laugh is on him.
(STEVE FORCES A LAUGH AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW)
STEVE (MUTTERING SADLY) 30,000 dollars...
(PEGGY GETS UP)
PEGGY Al, you are an idiot. I was home. I was comfortable. I was safe. I truly, truly hate you.
(PEGGY LOOKS AL UP AND DOWN. SHE RUNS HER FINGERS ALONG HIS ARM)
PEGGY (SOTTO, SEXILY) Come on, honey. Let's do it.
(PEGGY GRABS AL BY THE COLLAR)
PEGGY Let's go into the bathroom. Come on. No one has to know. Not even you.
(AL TRIES TO BREAK FREE FROM PEGGY WITH NO SUCCESS. SHE PUTS HER ARMS AROUND HIM. HE TURNS TO
AL Steve, give me the keys to your car. I'm gonna go for help.
STEVE There are animals all over the car, Al.
AL Maybe I can reason with them. Now, someone has to take charge here, and it's gonna be
me. Now, I need a weapon. What do we have?
INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - LATER THAT DAY
(AL WEARS A JACKET COVERED WITH PROTRUDING FISHHOOKS. HE HOLDS A CAN OF RAID. ON HIS HEAD HE
WEARS MAKESHIFT ANTLERS FROM THE COATRACK)
BUD Dad, explain to me again why you need the Suit Of Many Hooks.
AL Like the wily porcupine, I now have my armor of quills.
BUD But unlike the wily porcupine, won't the animals stick to you?
AL That's what the mighty horns are for, son. If anything gets close, I lower my head and
proceed in an aggressive manner. That should end it right there. And then I have my
secret weapon. (HOLDS UP RAID) If anything goes wrong, I zap 'em in the face with bug
PEGGY Why not just use your socks on a stick? Or would that be too cruel? (BEAT) God, you're
(AL SPRAYS IN PEGGY'S DIRECTION)
AL (TO BUD) Lock the door behind me, son.
(AL OPENS THE DOOR)
AL Oh, son. You're the man of the family now. If for some reason I don't come back, the shoe
store opens at ten.
(AL GOES OUT, SPRAYING AHEAD OF HIM. BUD CLOSES THE DOOR)
MARCY (MATTER OF FACT) He'll never make it, you know.
PEGGY Well, it won't be the first time.
(PEGGY, STEVE AND BUD LOOK OUT THE WINDOW)
PEGGY Well, he's made it through the mosquitos. He's hurdling a beaver. Go, Al, go. Oops.
MARCY I can't watch. I have to clean.
(MARCY MOVES THE TABLE ASIDE TO CLEAN THE FLOOR UNDERNEATH IT)
PEGGY Oh, no. You really should see this, Marce. The wolf is closing in. Al ducked behind a
tree. (BEAT) He is now stuck to the tree by his mighty quills. Wow, look at him shake.
Oh, he's in trouble. He is now lowering his head in an aggressive manner. So's the moose.
(MARCY FINDS A TRAP DOOR WHERE THE TABLE STOOD)
MARCY A trap door!
(MARCY OPENS THE DOOR AND TAKES OUT A BOX FILLED WITH FOOD)
MARCY Food! I found food.
(THEY ALL RUSH FROM THE WINDOW AND GO TO MARCY. WE HEAR A HUGE THUMP)
AL (O.S.) Oww!
(THE OTHERS START TO FIGHT OVER THE FOOD, IGNORING AL's PLIGHT)
KELLY Oh my God, it's chocolate! We're saved.
AL (O.S.) Help me! Help!
PEGGY Get the opener.
(WE HEAR THE DOOR TRYING TO OPEN)
AL (O.S.) Let me in. Please.
(THEY ALL START TO RIP OPEN THE FOOD. A BEAT, THEN WE SEE AL'S FACE, HORRIFIED, AT THE WINDOW.
HE MIMES "HELP". HE SEES SOMETHING O.S. HE FRANTICALLY SHAKES HIS RAID CAN AND SPRAYS. THEN
HE THROWS THE CAN, LOWERS HIS HEAD AND THEN DECIDES TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT. WE SEE A BEAR WALK BY
THE WINDOW. EVERYONE EATS HAPPILY)
INT. MICHIGAN CABIN - DAY
SUPER: "DAY FIVE"
(THE GUYS SIT TOGETHER. STEVE SADLY HOLDS THE MERCEDES EMBLEM. BUD
SLEEPS WITH HIS THUMB IN HIS MOUTH. AL IS IN A HEAP, WITH A BANDAGE ON HIS HEAD, HIS ARM IN
A SLING, AND HIS PANTS ARE IN SHREDS. HE HOLDS HIS HEAD)
AL Thanks for inviting us, Steve. What's next, buddy? Lion Country Safari? About twenty-
eight days from now?
(THE GIRLS ENTER FROM OUTSIDE WITH BASKETS OF WILDFLOWERS. THEY ARE HAPPY)
KELLY I feel so much better.
PEGGY Oh, me, too.
MARCY Guess what, guys? We saw two wrens make a nest.
AL Did you happen to find the rest of my ear out there, too?
MARCY You're not going to bring me down, "Mr. Cloudy Day".
(MARCY SNIFFS A FLOWER)
PEGGY He is such a big baby when he gets hurt. Well, we better start packing. (TO AL) You've
got to go to work tomorrow.
KELLY (TO PEGGY) You know, if he was going to be such a grouch, why did he even come?
PEGGY I don't get it. I mean, why are they so miserable? We're the ones who have theperiods.
(SHOT OF THE GUYS LOOKING MISERABLE)
END OF ACT TWO
Modified from the first draft script by Nitzan Gilkis
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