Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Buck.......................Mike the Dog
Bud, Peggy and Kelly are sitting at the kitchen table. Peggy is sifting through Al's wallet.
PEGGY Okay, Kelly. How much do you need?
KELLY Oh, I don't know. How much does it take to start a new life?
PEGGY More than your father has in his wallet. Let's see... Here's five dollars.
Peggy gives Kelly a bill.
BUD Well, going by the old "double for virgins" rule, I get ten.
KELLY Mom, if you let him get away with that, when he's sixty-five he'll be expecting two gold
Kelly gets up.
PEGGY [to Bud] Well, let's not bleed Daddy dry. Here's five dollars for you...
Peggy gives Bud a bill.
PEGGY ...And twenty for me.
Peggy takes some more bills out of the wallet and puts them down her cleavage. We hear Al
calling out from upstairs.
AL [o.s.] Hey, Peg, have you seen my wallet?
PEGGY Gee, uh, I don't know. What does it look like?
AL [o.s.] Old, wrinkled and empty. Like my life.
PEGGY Well, don't worry, Honey. I'm sure it's down here in your jacket pocket. [to Bud] Bud,
go put this in Daddy's jacket pocket, okay?
Peggy gives Bud Al's wallet and he does as he was asked. Then all three of them hurry over to
the couch and sit down, just as Al starts coming down the stairs. Peggy opens a magazine and
pretends to be reading it.
AL Hey, Peg. You showing the kids what you do all day long?
PEGGY Morning, Al.
KELLY Morning, Daddy.
BUD Morning, Daddy.
AL Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Al walks over to his jacket, which is hung by the door, and takes his wallet out of its pocket.
AL Ah! Here it is.
Bud and Kelly get up, walk over to Al and hold out their hands expectantly. Al gives them each
a bill and they leave.
AL Geez, where does it all go.
PEGGY Gee, why are you asking me? [chuckles] You know, Al, you just don't know how to manage
your money. I wish you'd give me your paycheck and let me manage the money.
AL Yeah, right. So you could rob me blind, huh, Peg? At least this way I know exactly what
I've got here.
Al peers inside his wallet.
AL I've got nothing here, Peg!
PEGGY Well, don't worry, Al. I didn't marry you for your money. I'm not really sure why I did,
but I know it wasn't money.
AL Well, it must've been that old family tradition: find a man, kill his dreams and move on.
Al pats Peggy on the back. The doorbell rings. Al opens the door. Steve is standing outside.
STEVE [cheerfully] Morning, Al. Ah, isn't it great to be alive?
AL [after a pause] Let me just stand aside and give you a better view of the little woman.
We see Peggy licking her fingers and turning pages in her magazine.
AL Hey, Peg, listen. I know you were planning to fix me some nice nothing for supper, but
you better freeze it. 'Cause Steve and I are going to the track tonight.
PEGGY That really hurts, Al. You know, I purposely didn't ask you for any money today, and now
you're gonna go blow it at the track. That's where all your money goes, you know.
AL No, I don't think so, Peg. See, I've never woken up in the middle of the night to find a
quarterhorse going through my wallet.
STEVE Gee, Al, if you don't have enough money for the track... Ah, heck, we're buddies. I
guess I can find someone else to go with me.
AL Thanks, Steve, but, uh, I got enough for a couple of bets, and hell, there's always that
fountain at the mall people throw pennies in. I can go dredging on my lunch hour.
STEVE Great. Let's go. I'll drive you to work and pick you up. We'll leave from there.
PEGGY Oh, Steve, uh, if you're going to the track, be sure to bet whatever Al bets. Because as
you can see [gestures around her], he's a winner.
The darkened Bundy living room.
Al and Steve enter.
STEVE Take it easy, Al. It happens.
AL Doesn't happen to me. It's never, never happened to me. Wha - what am I gonna do? How
am I gonna tell Peg?
STEVE Look, you just have to be brave. Just come right out and tell her: "Peg, I won 1250
Al nervously gestures to Steve to keep quiet. He gets up.
AL Steve, it's the first time in my life I won a trifector. I've got 1200 dollars in my
pocket. Do you know what would happen if I told Peg?
Al holds up the vacuum cleaner's nozzle.
AL Steve, meet Peg. [to the nozzle] Peg, I've got money...
Al holds up a bill with his other hand, turns the vacuum cleaner on and has it suck the bill.
He turns the vacuum cleaner back off.
STEVE Well, I know what I'm gonna do with the fifty bucks I won: share it with Marcy.
AL [mockingly] Wow, Hondo, you are much man.
STEVE Hey, I'm not ashamed to say that it gives me great pleasure to share with my wife. What
I am ashamed to say is that's a total lie. But she scares me to death, Al.
AL Well, I want to enjoy my money, Steve, so I'm going to hide my money until I can decide
what I'm gonna do with it. And you're gonna do the same thing.
STEVE [half-whispering] Oh, why would I do that?
AL [also half-whispering] Because you have to. If Marcy finds out that you won money, she's
gonna know I won money, and then Peg here will know.
Al holds up the vacuum cleaner nozzle again.
STEVE Al, what you're asking me to do goes against everything I believe in. You're asking me
to lie to my wife, to deceive her. And I'm afraid I just can't do that... for less than
Steve holds out his hand. Al looks bewildered for a moment, then takes out some money from his
pocket and gives it to Steve.
AL You're a real weenie, Steve.
STEVE Yes, but a weenie with fifty dollars.
Steve holds up the bill Al just gave him and smiles broadly.
The darkened bedroom.
Al comes out of the bathroom and turns off its light. He is holding a wad of bills.
AL Now, I've got to hide this somewhere Peg would never look.
Al thinks for a moment, then puts the bills down his pants.
AL Nah, there's enough down there already.
Al takes the bills out of his pants and hunts for another hiding place. He picks up a shirt,
smells it and reacts.
AL Dirty laundry. She'll never look here.
Al hides the wad of bills in the shirt and gets into bed. Moments later, Peggy gets up, walks
over to Al's pants and takes out his wallet.
PEGGY Two dollars left? What a loser.
Peggy laughs and puts the bills down her cleavage.
AL What are you doing, Peg?
PEGGY Uh, nothing. I was just a little chilly. Mind if I wear your shirt?
Peggy picks up the shirt Al just hid the money in. Al sits up in alarm.
AL Uh, yes!
PEGGY But Al, I'm cold!
AL [trying to snatch the shirt away from her] Well then - put on your robe!
PEGGY Well, I can't sleep in my robe. And if I turn on the heat then your feet start to fester
and the dog starts barking, the kids wake up... It's just not worth it. I - I'm gonna
wear your shirt.
AL But I don't like it when you wear my shirt. Isn't there any other way you can keep warm?
Peggy smiles sweetly and runs her hand through her hair.
AL Oh no.
PEGGY It's either you or the shirt.
Al forces a smile and opens his arms wide.
Peggy laughs and lies down on top of Al.
Al is watching Peggy scrape off the burned surface of a toast.
PEGGY Gee. Three days in a row. I must be looking pretty good lately.
AL [jadedly] Yeah, you're the best, baby.
PEGGY Oh, Al. You know you love it. Come on, admit it. You and your excuses.
Peggy kisses Al on the cheek and laughs.
PEGGY Like that first night, I was cold and you wouldn't let me use your shirt. The next night
you wouldn't let me near the spare blanket, and the third night I was halfway to the hot
water bottle when you tackled me and pinned me to the floor.
Peggy laughs and hugs Al.
PEGGY What do I have to go for tonight, Tiger, your hat?
Al's eyes widen. As soon as Peggy goes inside the washing room, he rushes over to his hat and
takes the wad of bills out of it. Peggy returns with the hamper.
PEGGY Oh, by the way, Al, this morning I was going through your wallet looking for, uh... by
accident, and I just happened to notice that you haven't cashed your paycheck. Why?
AL [smiling] Why, I - I just haven't had time. I'll see you around!
Al chuckles and leaves.
PEGGY Bye, Sweetie!
Peggy blows him a kiss. She waits a beat, then calls out to the kids.
PEGGY [calling out] Kids! Family meeting!
Bud and Kelly come down the stairs and the three of them sit around the kitchen table.
KELLY What's up, Mom?
PEGGY Kids, I suspect your father has money.
Bud and Kelly lean closer to Peggy.
Peggy and the kids are still sitting around the kitchen table. Peggy is in the middle of her
PEGGY ...And his paycheck was dated three days ago, and he hasn't cashed it yet.
KELLY So Daddy has money. You know, it all makes sense now. Did you notice that last night he
wasn't studying road maps and fondling his car keys like usual?
BUD Yeah, and I watched him shave this morning. You know, he didn't pause at all near the
PEGGY No kidding! Well, he's obviously got more than I thought. Okay, kids, we are gonna tear
this place apart. Kelly, you take upstairs. Bud, you go down into the basement, and I'll
look around down here.
BUD Aw, Mom! I got stuck with the basement when his tax refund came in.
PEGGY Now don't whine. There is a ten percent finder's fee. And then we split -- twenty
[gestures at Kelly], twenty [gestures at Bud], sixty [gestures at herself and laughs].
Now let's go.
The kids each head for their floor and Peggy starts looking around the living room. She finds a
pair of underwear under a pillow, checks it and puts it back where it was. The doorbell rings.
Peggy opens the door. Marcy is standing outside, holding a newspaper.
MARCY What's wrong with Al? I was out on the street picking up my newspaper when he pulled
out. He didn't aim his car at me and gun it.
PEGGY Oh, boy! He must have a fortune. Come on, help me search. Al's got money.
MARCY So what?
Peggy checks under one of the cushions and finds a bra.
PEGGY So it's mine, and he's not giving it to me.
Peggy puts the bra back where it was.
MARCY Well, that's kind of cruel, not sharing with your wife.
PEGGY Ah, who's talking about sharing. I want it all! [checking under the armchair] Not
because I'm greedy, you understand.
Peggy finds a quarter.
PEGGY Ooh, two bits.
She bites on the coin to see if it's real.
PEGGY You see, it's good for our marriage. If Al has money then he doesn't come home.
MARCY Will he take a check? 'Cause I know the rest of the block will kick in.
PEGGY Yes, I know it sounds good on the surface, but the problem is he doesn't just go away.
He goes away and has fun. You see, Marcy, my mother taught me two things. "Never feed a
man when you can feed yourself twice", and "If you're gonna rot on the couch in hell,
the least your husband can do is to burn right beside you".
MARCY Well, love touches us all in different ways, I suppose. But early on Steve and I decided
to share everything and keep no secrets from each other.
Peggy checks Al's hat for money.
PEGGY Ha. Well, I would keep a good eye on him, Marce. Because God only knows what ideas Al
in his head when they went to the track.
MARCY Steve went to the track? You know, I thought it was kind of odd that Al went with him to
PEGGY Steve has money too... [chuckles]
MARCY No, I won't believe it. He would never keep something like that from me. And I'm so sure
of it that I'm gonna tear my home apart piece by piece. You'll see, I won't find so
much as a dollar. And if I do, I'll take his pride and joy and superglue it to a ferris
Marcy leaves. Bud comes out of the basement.
PEGGY [sifting through a drawer] So did you find anything?
BUD Uh, I'm a little tired. I'm gonna go upstairs and study.
Bud turns around and starts going up the stairs, and we see a copy of Penthouse half-tucked in
Al is sitting in the shoe store, holding all his bills like a geisha fan. He smells them and
smiles intoxicatedly. A sexy babe named Jade enters the shoe store and walks over to Al.
JADE Hi there, shoe man.
Al gapes at her.
JADE I was in last week, and I can't stop thinking about you.
Jade sits down next to Al and crosses her legs.
JADE Remember me?
AL Nightly. I mean, 'vaguely'. Can I help you?
JADE I don't know how else to say it - I want you.
AL Well, that's so nice. But I'm married.
JADE Perfect. That means you're already broken in.
Jade gets up and starts unbuttoning her top. Al gazes in awe. The dream fades into real life,
where Al is daydreaming at the shoe store, with Steve standing next to him, his hand on Al's
STEVE [softly] Al? [louder] Al?
Al smiles, still daydreaming, leans his head against Steve's hand and kisses it. This snaps him
back to reality; he looks at Steve's hand distastefully, then at Steve himself, and gets up
AL What? What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy?
Steve looks around the empty shoe store, then at his hand which Al just kissed, and wipes his
hand on Al's shirt.
STEVE Look, Al, I - I - I - I have to talk to you. I'm really feeling guilty about hiding that
money from Marcy. So could you do me a favor and spend yours so I can share mine? Can't
stand the way she looks at me with such trust.
AL You sure? A lot of guys mistake trust for that "just keep the checks coming in or you're
out of here" look. They're very similar, you know.
STEVE Al, what's the big deal? Just buy something.
AL Well, it's not as easy as that, Steve. When you were a kid, didn't you ever find money
in the street, and you were so excited you couldn't figure out what to do with it?
STEVE No, Al. I gave it to Bunny Zackmayer so I could look up her dress.
AL I'm talking about when you were a kid, Steve. Look, could you just give me a couple of
more days. In the name of friendship. Huh, buddy?
STEVE Okay. In the name of friendship. Which at today's rates is another fifty bucks.
Steve holds out his hand. Al gives him some money.
AL You're a weenie, Steve.
STEVE Yes, but a weenie with a hundred bucks. Ooh, by the way, Al, you want a ride home?
AL No, I got my car.
STEVE Yeah, I saw it in the lot, but it might be tough to drive with all that broken glass on
your seat. Don't worry, it wasn't vandalism. They stole your radio.
STEVE Well, that's actually what I was thinking, but it's not something you say to a friend.
AL No, Steve. Now I know what to buy! A new car stereo. It's perfect! See, now I can buy
something for one of my favorite places in the world - my car. 'Cause when I'm in my
car, I don't have any wife and kids. I'm alone, I'm whole, I'm with the one I love. And
Peggy never drives my car, so she'll never know. Tee-hee! I get to spend all my money on
me. Oh man! I'll have it installed tomorrow. Come on, let's go buy it now!
Steve looks at his watch.
STEVE But it's half hour to closing.
AL Ah, the place is a graveyard. No one comes in here. Just give me a couple of minutes,
I'll turn off the lights in the store room.
Al goes inside the store room. Steve sits down on Al's stool, opens a shoe box and looks inside
STEVE [distastefully] Ooh.
Jade, the sexy babe, comes in, sits down next to Steve and crosses her legs.
STEVE I'm sorry, Miss, but the place is closed.
JADE Gee, that's funny. Most stores don't close until I'm in the dressing room. Oh well.
Jade gets up and leaves. Steve watches her go.
STEVE Mmm mmm mmm.
Al comes out of the store room.
AL Ready to go, buddy?
STEVE You bet!
AL I told you nobody comes in this late.
Al puts his arm around Steve's shoulder and they leave.
The darkened Bundy living room.
Al comes down the stairs in his pajamas, turns on the lights and walks over to the closet. He
opens the door and picks up the new car stereo that's inside. He hears someone approach the door
and quickly hides inside the closet. Kelly comes in in evening clothes and sneaks upstairs. Al
opens the closet door, looks at his watch and mouths something at her. As soon as she disappears
up the stairs, he comes out of the closet and starts setting his car stereo on the coffee table.
We hear Peggy call out from upstairs.
PEGGY [o.s.] Al, what are you doing down there?
AL I'm watching Ted Koppel. Go to sleep.
PEGGY [o.s., seductively] I'm cold...
AL Wear my shirt. Go to sleep.
KELLY [o.s.] Mom, Dad, will you two be quiet? You woke me up!
Al looks at his watch again and sneers. He finishes setting up the car stereo on the table and
pretends to be driving.
AL [singing] "I heard it through the grapevine. Not much longer would you be mine".
Al pretends to change the station.
AL [singing] "To all the girls I loved..."
Al quickly "changes" the station again.
AL [singing] "Big wheels keep on turning, Proud Mary keep on burning. Rolling, rolling,
rolling, rolling, rolling down the river. Rolling down the river".
We hear Peggy get out of bed upstairs.
PEGGY [o.s.] Al?
Al quickly hides his car stereo back inside the closet. Peggy comes down the stairs.
PEGGY Al, did I just hear Ted Koppel singing "Proud Mary"?
AL [laughing] Yeah, it's Sweeps month.
Al sits on the couch.
AL So, uh, what do you want, Peg?
Peggy puts her arms around Al.
PEGGY Well, I thought I'd come down so we can cuddle. We haven't done that for a long time.
AL Ah, Peg, just once, couldn't we do something I like?
PEGGY I don't wanna dig in my ear and grin like an idiot. I wanna cuddle!
PEGGY Well, fine. But I'm staying down here anyway.
Peggy walks over to the closet.
AL [alarmed] Where are you going?
PEGGY To the closet. I'm cold. I just wanna throw something over me.
AL No, don't go in there!
PEGGY Well, why?
AL You've got me! Wait a minute.
Al gets up and rushes over to Peggy. He takes her hand.
AL Let's go upstairs and, uh... [barely able to pronounce the word] cuddle.
PEGGY Aw, it's like before we were married.
Peggy presses herself against Al.
AL [pulling Peggy towards the stairs] Now let's get it over with.
PEGGY JUST like before we were married. Oh, by the way, Al, I had to take my car into the
mechanic. He's gonna need it for a couple of weeks. So I'll have to use your car.
Peggy goes upstairs. Al looks on in astonishment for a moment, then is pulled upstairs by Peggy.
The next morning...
Al, dressed in a robe, opens the living room door to Steve.
STEVE So you want to sell you car stereo after just one day.
AL [bitterly] I don't wanna sell it, I have to. Peg's gonna be driving my car for two weeks.
That means two weeks of hiding my stereo. Do you know what I have to do to hide my
stereo, Steve? Vile, unspeakable acts no man should have to do.
We hear Peggy singing to herself upstairs.
AL Yes, that. Now, do you have the cash or don't you?
Steve hands Al some money.
STEVE There you go.
Al counts the money.
AL There's only a thousand dollars here.
STEVE Well, I think that's generous. After all, the equipment is used...
We hear Peggy singing to herself again, louder and higher this time.
STEVE And it seems to be a buyer's market.
AL You're a real weenie, Steve.
STEVE Yes, but a weenie with a stereo and 150 dollars stashed away that Marcy knows nothing
Steve laughs and sits down on the couch.
STEVE So, what are you gonna do with the money, Al?
AL What I always knew I would.
Al stands by the staircase and rattles his bills. Peggy and the kids come down the stairs,
looking around and sniffing the air.
PEGGY Al, I heard a strange sound. What was it?
AL Family, I have an announcement. I have money.
Al holds out his wad of bills. Peggy whoops and snatches it from his hand, and she and the kids
run to the door.
BUD I'm getting a new skateboard and a leather jacket.
KELLY Well, I'm gonna get a CD player, and a Swede skirt, and some new boots...
PEGGY And I'm gonna spend till I drop. [laughs]
BUD Wait a second, wait a second. Think we should get Dad something?
PEGGY Well, gee, I'd love to, but I don't think we have enough money.
Peggy and the kids leave. Steve gets up and walks to the door.
STEVE Well, what can I say. You, my friend, are a loser, whereas I am your consummate winner.
There is a loud banging on the door.
MARCY [o.s.] Steve, get out here and explain this 150 dollars I found hidden.
Steve stands with his back pressed against the door, looking terrified. Al laughs smugly and
pushes him aside.
AL Ah, let me handle this, buddy.
Al opens the door and puts his arm around Marcy's shoulder.
AL Marcy, now, let me explain. Now, Steve wasn't hiding anything from you. He was doing me
a favor. He was hiding my 150 dollars.
Al takes the bills from Marcy's hand. Marcy looks pleased.
AL 'Cause he would never hide anything from you. Right, Steve?
STEVE [forcing a smile] Right.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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