0221 (034)


Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

Guest Cast:

Jade.......................Teri Weigel



 Bud, Peggy and Kelly are sitting at the kitchen table. Peggy is sifting through Al's wallet.

PEGGY    Okay, Kelly. How much do you need?

KELLY    Oh, I don't know. How much does it take to start a new life?

PEGGY    More than your father has in his wallet. Let's see... Here's five dollars. 

 Peggy gives Kelly a bill.

PEGGY    Bud?

BUD      Well, going by the old "double for virgins" rule, I get ten.

KELLY    Mom, if you let him get away with that, when he's sixty-five he'll be expecting two gold

 Kelly gets up.

PEGGY    [to Bud] Well, let's not bleed Daddy dry. Here's five dollars for you...

 Peggy gives Bud a bill.

PEGGY    ...And twenty for me.

 Peggy takes some more bills out of the wallet and puts them down her cleavage. We hear Al 
 calling out from upstairs.

AL       [o.s.] Hey, Peg, have you seen my wallet?

PEGGY    Gee, uh, I don't know. What does it look like?

AL       [o.s.] Old, wrinkled and empty. Like my life.

PEGGY    Well, don't worry, Honey. I'm sure it's down here in your jacket pocket. [to Bud] Bud,
         go put this in Daddy's jacket pocket, okay?

 Peggy gives Bud Al's wallet and he does as he was asked. Then all three of them hurry over to 
 the couch and sit down, just as Al starts coming down the stairs. Peggy opens a magazine and 
 pretends to be reading it.

AL       Hey, Peg. You showing the kids what you do all day long?

PEGGY    Morning, Al.
KELLY    Morning, Daddy.
BUD      Morning, Daddy.

AL       Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 Al walks over to his jacket, which is hung by the door, and takes his wallet out of its pocket.

AL       Ah! Here it is.

 Bud and Kelly get up, walk over to Al and hold out their hands expectantly. Al gives them each 
 a bill and they leave.

AL       Geez, where does it all go.

PEGGY    Gee, why are you asking me? [chuckles] You know, Al, you just don't know how to manage
         your money. I wish you'd give me your paycheck and let me manage the money.

AL       Yeah, right. So you could rob me blind, huh, Peg? At least this way I know exactly what
         I've got here.

 Al peers inside his wallet.

AL       I've got nothing here, Peg!

PEGGY    Well, don't worry, Al. I didn't marry you for your money. I'm not really sure why I did,
         but I know it wasn't money.

AL       Well, it must've been that old family tradition: find a man, kill his dreams and move on.

 Al pats Peggy on the back. The doorbell rings. Al opens the door. Steve is standing outside.

STEVE    [cheerfully] Morning, Al. Ah, isn't it great to be alive?

AL       [after a pause] Let me just stand aside and give you a better view of the little woman.

 We see Peggy licking her fingers and turning pages in her magazine.

AL       Hey, Peg, listen. I know you were planning to fix me some nice nothing for supper, but
         you better freeze it. 'Cause Steve and I are going to the track tonight.

PEGGY    That really hurts, Al. You know, I purposely didn't ask you for any money today, and now
         you're gonna go blow it at the track. That's where all your money goes, you know.

AL       No, I don't think so, Peg. See, I've never woken up in the middle of the night to find a
         quarterhorse going through my wallet.

STEVE    Gee, Al, if you don't have enough money for the track... Ah, heck, we're buddies. I 
         guess I can find someone else to go with me.

AL       Thanks, Steve, but, uh, I got enough for a couple of bets, and hell, there's always that
         fountain at the mall people throw pennies in. I can go dredging on my lunch hour.

STEVE    Great. Let's go. I'll drive you to work and pick you up. We'll leave from there.

PEGGY    Oh, Steve, uh, if you're going to the track, be sure to bet whatever Al bets. Because as
         you can see [gestures around her], he's a winner. 

 Peggy laughs.



 The darkened Bundy living room. 
 Al and Steve enter. 

STEVE    Take it easy, Al. It happens.

AL       Doesn't happen to me. It's never, never happened to me. Wha - what am I gonna do? How
         am I gonna tell Peg?

STEVE    Look, you just have to be brave. Just come right out and tell her: "Peg, I won 1250 

 Al nervously gestures to Steve to keep quiet. He gets up.

AL       Steve, it's the first time in my life I won a trifector. I've got 1200 dollars in my
         pocket. Do you know what would happen if I told Peg?

 Al holds up the vacuum cleaner's nozzle.

AL       Steve, meet Peg. [to the nozzle] Peg, I've got money...

 Al holds up a bill with his other hand, turns the vacuum cleaner on and has it suck the bill. 
 He turns the vacuum cleaner back off.

STEVE    Well, I know what I'm gonna do with the fifty bucks I won: share it with Marcy. 

AL       [mockingly] Wow, Hondo, you are much man. 

STEVE    Hey, I'm not ashamed to say that it gives me great pleasure to share with my wife. What
         I am ashamed to say is that's a total lie. But she scares me to death, Al.

AL       Well, I want to enjoy my money, Steve, so I'm going to hide my money until I can decide
         what I'm gonna do with it. And you're gonna do the same thing.

STEVE    [half-whispering] Oh, why would I do that?

AL       [also half-whispering] Because you have to. If Marcy finds out that you won money, she's
         gonna know I won money, and then Peg here will know.

 Al holds up the vacuum cleaner nozzle again.

STEVE    Al, what you're asking me to do goes against everything I believe in. You're asking me
         to lie to my wife, to deceive her. And I'm afraid I just can't do that... for less than
         fifty bucks.

 Steve holds out his hand. Al looks bewildered for a moment, then takes out some money from his
 pocket and gives it to Steve.

AL       You're a real weenie, Steve.

STEVE    Yes, but a weenie with fifty dollars.

 Steve holds up the bill Al just gave him and smiles broadly.



 The darkened bedroom.
 Al comes out of the bathroom and turns off its light. He is holding a wad of bills.

AL       Now, I've got to hide this somewhere Peg would never look.

 Al thinks for a moment, then puts the bills down his pants.

AL       Nah, there's enough down there already.

 Al takes the bills out of his pants and hunts for another hiding place. He picks up a shirt,
 smells it and reacts. 

AL       Dirty laundry. She'll never look here.

 Al hides the wad of bills in the shirt and gets into bed. Moments later, Peggy gets up, walks 
 over to Al's pants and takes out his wallet.

PEGGY    Two dollars left? What a loser.

 Peggy laughs and puts the bills down her cleavage.

AL       What are you doing, Peg?

PEGGY    Uh, nothing. I was just a little chilly. Mind if I wear your shirt?

 Peggy picks up the shirt Al just hid the money in. Al sits up in alarm.

AL       Uh, yes!

PEGGY    But Al, I'm cold!

AL       [trying to snatch the shirt away from her] Well then - put on your robe!

PEGGY    Well, I can't sleep in my robe. And if I turn on the heat then your feet start to fester
         and the dog starts barking, the kids wake up... It's just not worth it. I - I'm gonna
         wear your shirt.

AL       But I don't like it when you wear my shirt. Isn't there any other way you can keep warm? 

 Peggy smiles sweetly and runs her hand through her hair.

AL       Oh no.

PEGGY    It's either you or the shirt.

 Al forces a smile and opens his arms wide.

AL       Darling!

 Peggy laughs and lies down on top of Al.



 The kitchen.
 Al is watching Peggy scrape off the burned surface of a toast.

PEGGY    Gee. Three days in a row. I must be looking pretty good lately.

AL       [jadedly] Yeah, you're the best, baby.

PEGGY    Oh, Al. You know you love it. Come on, admit it. You and your excuses. 

 Peggy kisses Al on the cheek and laughs.

PEGGY    Like that first night, I was cold and you wouldn't let me use your shirt. The next night
         you wouldn't let me near the spare blanket, and the third night I was halfway to the hot
         water bottle when you tackled me and pinned me to the floor. 

 Peggy laughs and hugs Al.

PEGGY    What do I have to go for tonight, Tiger, your hat? 

 Al's eyes widen. As soon as Peggy goes inside the washing room, he rushes over to his hat and
 takes the wad of bills out of it. Peggy returns with the hamper.

PEGGY    Oh, by the way, Al, this morning I was going through your wallet looking for, uh... by
         accident, and I just happened to notice that you haven't cashed your paycheck. Why?

AL       [smiling] Why, I - I just haven't had time. I'll see you around! 

 Al chuckles and leaves.

PEGGY    Bye, Sweetie!

 Peggy blows him a kiss. She waits a beat, then calls out to the kids.

PEGGY    [calling out] Kids! Family meeting!

 Bud and Kelly come down the stairs and the three of them sit around the kitchen table.

KELLY    What's up, Mom?

PEGGY    Kids, I suspect your father has money.

 Bud and Kelly lean closer to Peggy.



 Peggy and the kids are still sitting around the kitchen table. Peggy is in the middle of her

PEGGY    ...And his paycheck was dated three days ago, and he hasn't cashed it yet.

KELLY    Hmmmm.
BUD      Hmmmm.

KELLY    So Daddy has money. You know, it all makes sense now. Did you notice that last night he
         wasn't studying road maps and fondling his car keys like usual?

BUD      Yeah, and I watched him shave this morning. You know, he didn't pause at all near the

PEGGY    No kidding! Well, he's obviously got more than I thought. Okay, kids, we are gonna tear
         this place apart. Kelly, you take upstairs. Bud, you go down into the basement, and I'll
         look around down here.

BUD      Aw, Mom! I got stuck with the basement when his tax refund came in.

PEGGY    Now don't whine. There is a ten percent finder's fee. And then we split -- twenty
         [gestures at Kelly], twenty [gestures at Bud], sixty [gestures at herself and laughs].
         Now let's go.

 The kids each head for their floor and Peggy starts looking around the living room. She finds a
 pair of underwear under a pillow, checks it and puts it back where it was. The doorbell rings.
 Peggy opens the door. Marcy is standing outside, holding a newspaper.

MARCY    What's wrong with Al? I was out on the street picking up my newspaper when he pulled 
         out. He didn't aim his car at me and gun it.

PEGGY    Oh, boy! He must have a fortune. Come on, help me search. Al's got money.

MARCY    So what?

 Peggy checks under one of the cushions and finds a bra.

PEGGY    So it's mine, and he's not giving it to me.

 Peggy puts the bra back where it was.

MARCY    Well, that's kind of cruel, not sharing with your wife.

PEGGY    Ah, who's talking about sharing. I want it all! [checking under the armchair] Not 
         because I'm greedy, you understand.

 Peggy finds a quarter.

PEGGY    Ooh, two bits. 

 She bites on the coin to see if it's real.

PEGGY    You see, it's good for our marriage. If Al has money then he doesn't come home. 

MARCY    Will he take a check? 'Cause I know the rest of the block will kick in.

PEGGY    Yes, I know it sounds good on the surface, but the problem is he doesn't just go away.
         He goes away and has fun. You see, Marcy, my mother taught me two things. "Never feed a
         man when you can feed yourself twice", and "If you're gonna rot on the couch in hell,
         the least your husband can do is to burn right beside you".

MARCY    Well, love touches us all in different ways, I suppose. But early on Steve and I decided
         to share everything and keep no secrets from each other.

 Peggy checks Al's hat for money.

PEGGY    Ha. Well, I would keep a good eye on him, Marce. Because God only knows what ideas Al
         in his head when they went to the track.

MARCY    Steve went to the track? You know, I thought it was kind of odd that Al went with him to
         the library. 

PEGGY    Steve has money too... [chuckles]

MARCY    No, I won't believe it. He would never keep something like that from me. And I'm so sure
         of it that I'm gonna tear my home apart piece by piece. You'll see, I won't find so
         much as a dollar. And if I do, I'll take his pride and joy and superglue it to a ferris

 Marcy leaves. Bud comes out of the basement.

PEGGY    [sifting through a drawer] So did you find anything?

BUD      Uh, I'm a little tired. I'm gonna go upstairs and study.

 Bud turns around and starts going up the stairs, and we see a copy of Penthouse half-tucked in
 his pants.



 (Al's dream)
 Al is sitting in the shoe store, holding all his bills like a geisha fan. He smells them and
 smiles intoxicatedly. A sexy babe named Jade enters the shoe store and walks over to Al.

JADE     Hi there, shoe man. 

 Al gapes at her.

JADE     I was in last week, and I can't stop thinking about you.

 Jade sits down next to Al and crosses her legs.

JADE     Remember me?

AL       Nightly. I mean, 'vaguely'. Can I help you?

JADE     I don't know how else to say it - I want you.

AL       Well, that's so nice. But I'm married.

JADE     Perfect. That means you're already broken in.

 Jade gets up and starts unbuttoning her top. Al gazes in awe. The dream fades into real life,
 where Al is daydreaming at the shoe store, with Steve standing next to him, his hand on Al's

STEVE    [softly] Al? [louder] Al?

 Al smiles, still daydreaming, leans his head against Steve's hand and kisses it. This snaps him
 back to reality; he looks at Steve's hand distastefully, then at Steve himself, and gets up

AL       What? What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy?

 Steve looks around the empty shoe store, then at his hand which Al just kissed, and wipes his
 hand on Al's shirt.

STEVE    Look, Al, I - I - I - I have to talk to you. I'm really feeling guilty about hiding that
         money from Marcy. So could you do me a favor and spend yours so I can share mine? Can't
         stand the way she looks at me with such trust.

AL       You sure? A lot of guys mistake trust for that "just keep the checks coming in or you're
         out of here" look. They're very similar, you know.

STEVE    Al, what's the big deal? Just buy something.

AL       Well, it's not as easy as that, Steve. When you were a kid, didn't you ever find money
         in the street, and you were so excited you couldn't figure out what to do with it?

STEVE    No, Al. I gave it to Bunny Zackmayer so I could look up her dress.

AL       I'm talking about when you were a kid, Steve. Look, could you just give me a couple of
         more days. In the name of friendship. Huh, buddy?

STEVE    Okay. In the name of friendship. Which at today's rates is another fifty bucks.

 Steve holds out his hand. Al gives him some money.

AL       You're a weenie, Steve.

STEVE    Yes, but a weenie with a hundred bucks. Ooh, by the way, Al, you want a ride home?

AL       No, I got my car.

STEVE    Yeah, I saw it in the lot, but it might be tough to drive with all that broken glass on
         your seat. Don't worry, it wasn't vandalism. They stole your radio.

AL       Great!

STEVE    Well, that's actually what I was thinking, but it's not something you say to a friend.

AL       No, Steve. Now I know what to buy! A new car stereo. It's perfect! See, now I can buy
         something for one of my favorite places in the world - my car. 'Cause when I'm in my
         car, I don't have any wife and kids. I'm alone, I'm whole, I'm with the one I love. And
         Peggy never drives my car, so she'll never know. Tee-hee! I get to spend all my money on
         me. Oh man! I'll have it installed tomorrow. Come on, let's go buy it now!

 Steve looks at his watch.

STEVE    But it's half hour to closing.

AL       Ah, the place is a graveyard. No one comes in here. Just give me a couple of minutes, 
         I'll turn off the lights in the store room.

 Al goes inside the store room. Steve sits down on Al's stool, opens a shoe box and looks inside

STEVE    [distastefully] Ooh.

 Jade, the sexy babe, comes in, sits down next to Steve and crosses her legs.

STEVE    I'm sorry, Miss, but the place is closed.

JADE     Gee, that's funny. Most stores don't close until I'm in the dressing room. Oh well.

 Jade gets up and leaves. Steve watches her go.

STEVE    Mmm mmm mmm.

 Al comes out of the store room.

AL       Ready to go, buddy?

STEVE    You bet!

AL       I told you nobody comes in this late.

 Al puts his arm around Steve's shoulder and they leave.



 The darkened Bundy living room.
 Al comes down the stairs in his pajamas, turns on the lights and walks over to the closet. He
 opens the door and picks up the new car stereo that's inside. He hears someone approach the door
 and quickly hides inside the closet. Kelly comes in in evening clothes and sneaks upstairs. Al
 opens the closet door, looks at his watch and mouths something at her. As soon as she disappears 
 up the stairs, he comes out of the closet and starts setting his car stereo on the coffee table.
 We hear Peggy call out from  upstairs.

PEGGY    [o.s.] Al, what are you doing down there?

AL       I'm watching Ted Koppel. Go to sleep.

PEGGY    [o.s., seductively] I'm cold...

AL       Wear my shirt. Go to sleep.

KELLY    [o.s.] Mom, Dad, will you two be quiet? You woke me up!

 Al looks at his watch again and sneers. He finishes setting up the car stereo on the table and
 pretends to be driving.

AL       [singing] "I heard it through the grapevine. Not much longer would you be mine".

 Al pretends to change the station.

AL       [singing] "To all the girls I loved..."

 Al quickly "changes" the station again.

AL       [singing] "Big wheels keep on turning, Proud Mary keep on burning. Rolling, rolling,
         rolling, rolling, rolling down the river. Rolling down the river".

 We hear Peggy get out of bed upstairs. 

PEGGY    [o.s.] Al?

 Al quickly hides his car stereo back inside the closet. Peggy comes down the stairs.

PEGGY    Al, did I just hear Ted Koppel singing "Proud Mary"?

AL       [laughing] Yeah, it's Sweeps month.

 Al sits on the couch.

AL       So, uh, what do you want, Peg?

 Peggy puts her arms around Al.

PEGGY    Well, I thought I'd come down so we can cuddle. We haven't done that for a long time.

AL       Ah, Peg, just once, couldn't we do something I like?

PEGGY    I don't wanna dig in my ear and grin like an idiot. I wanna cuddle!

AL       No.

PEGGY    Well, fine. But I'm staying down here anyway. 

 Peggy walks over to the closet.

AL       [alarmed] Where are you going?

PEGGY    To the closet. I'm cold. I just wanna throw something over me.

AL       No, don't go in there!

PEGGY    Well, why?

AL       You've got me! Wait a minute.

 Al gets up and rushes over to Peggy. He takes her hand.

AL       Let's go upstairs and, uh... [barely able to pronounce the word] cuddle.

PEGGY    Aw, it's like before we were married.

 Peggy presses herself against Al.

AL       [pulling Peggy towards the stairs] Now let's get it over with.

PEGGY    JUST like before we were married. Oh, by the way, Al, I had to take my car into the
         mechanic. He's gonna need it for a couple of weeks. So I'll have to use your car.

 Peggy goes upstairs. Al looks on in astonishment for a moment, then is pulled upstairs by Peggy.



 The next morning...
 Al, dressed in a robe, opens the living room door to Steve.

STEVE    So you want to sell you car stereo after just one day.

AL       [bitterly] I don't wanna sell it, I have to. Peg's gonna be driving my car for two weeks.
         That means two weeks of hiding my stereo. Do you know what I have to do to hide my
         stereo, Steve? Vile, unspeakable acts no man should have to do.

 We hear Peggy singing to herself upstairs.

AL       Yes, that. Now, do you have the cash or don't you?

 Steve hands Al some money.

STEVE    There you go.

 Al counts the money.

AL       There's only a thousand dollars here.

STEVE    Well, I think that's generous. After all, the equipment is used...

 We hear Peggy singing to herself again, louder and higher this time.

STEVE    And it seems to be a buyer's market.

AL       You're a real weenie, Steve.

STEVE    Yes, but a weenie with a stereo and 150 dollars stashed away that Marcy knows nothing

 Steve laughs and sits down on the couch.

STEVE    So, what are you gonna do with the money, Al?

AL       What I always knew I would.

 Al stands by the staircase and rattles his bills. Peggy and the kids come down the stairs, 
 looking around and sniffing the air.

PEGGY    Al, I heard a strange sound. What was it?

AL       Family, I have an announcement. I have money.

 Al holds out his wad of bills. Peggy whoops and snatches it from his hand, and she and the kids
 run to the door.

BUD      I'm getting a new skateboard and a leather jacket.

KELLY    Well, I'm gonna get a CD player, and a Swede skirt, and some new boots...

PEGGY    And I'm gonna spend till I drop. [laughs]

BUD      Wait a second, wait a second. Think we should get Dad something?

PEGGY    Well, gee, I'd love to, but I don't think we have enough money.

 Peggy and the kids leave. Steve gets up and walks to the door.

STEVE    Well, what can I say. You, my friend, are a loser, whereas I am your consummate winner.

 There is a loud banging on the door.

MARCY    [o.s.] Steve, get out here and explain this 150 dollars I found hidden.

 Steve stands with his back pressed against the door, looking terrified. Al laughs smugly and
 pushes him aside.

AL       Ah, let me handle this, buddy.

 Al opens the door and puts his arm around Marcy's shoulder.

AL       Marcy, now, let me explain. Now, Steve wasn't hiding anything from you. He was doing me
         a favor. He was hiding my 150 dollars.

 Al takes the bills from Marcy's hand. Marcy looks pleased.

AL       'Cause he would never hide anything from you. Right, Steve?

STEVE    [forcing a smile] Right.


Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis


would you like to contribute a script?

home on the range