TRANSCRIPT:

0218

THE GREAT ESCAPE


Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike....................Buck The Dog

Guest Cast:

Pest Controller.........Cliff Bemis
Jade....................Teri Weigel
Trish...................Barbara Belmonte
Heather.................Hope Marie Calton
Jackie..................Kim Anderson
Mitzi...................Barbara Schillaci



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The Bundy living room.
Al is sitting on the couch watching TV.Bud is on the phone.<

BUD:††† [on phone] Hello Carol, Bud Bundy here. [Carol hangs up and Budís smile disappears] 
        Hello!?
 
Bud re-dials.
 
BUD:††† [on phone] Hello Carol, donít hang up. I got tickets to the concert... Yes itís Bud
††††††† Bundy... Yup, whatdya say to a couple of premo seats to the Jimmy Dick and The Night
††††††† Sticks concert Saturday?... Well, yeah youíd have to go with me... I think itís worth
††††††† it too... Good, good. Whats say I pick you up at eight? Ciao baby.

Bud hangs up the phone.

BUD:††† So many women so little time.

Bud walks over to the couch to join Al.

AL:†††† No, not me. I got one woman, too much time.

BUD:††† Iím not really interested, Dad. Listen, I really wanna impress this girl, so could you
††††††† drive me? Oh and could you wear one of those stupid chauffeurs hats? And put something
††††††† under your arm so it looks like you're packing a rod.

Peggy comes down stairs.

PEGGY:Why Bud? What your father's got under there already is far more lethal. Al, the termite
††††††† control man would like to speak to you.

Al gets up and heads towards the stairs.

AL:†††† Oh why? I keep telliní you we donít have termites.

As Al reaches the bottom of the stairs he grabs hold of the wooden banister and it 
comes away in his hand.

AL:†††† [holding up the rotten banister] Itís just the house settling.

Al and Peggy head up stairs.
Kelly enters.

BUD:††† Kel, did you get the tickets for the concert?

KELLY:I sure did. [she holds up the tickets] And backstage passes.

BUD:††† Alright Kel, youíre a goddess.
 
The both move into the kitchen.
 
BUD:††† Gimme my tickets.
 
KELLY:Oh, I decided not to get you any. See it was either use your money to get four regular
††††††† concert tickets or to get two tickets and two back stage passes for me. So Iím taking
††††††† my ugly friend Mandy, that way Jimmy will only look at me. Iím so happy.
 
BUD:††† [smiling] Well Kel, Iím happy for you. But... [changes to angry] what the hell about
††††††† me!?
 
KELLY:Oh Bud, Iím gonna meet Jimmy Dick! Heís got a house in Jamaica. Do you know what Iíd
††††††† do for a house in Jamaica?
 
BUD:††† Yeah, the same thing youíd do for dinner and a movie.
 
They both move to the dinner table and sit down.
 
BUD:††† Getting back to my petty problem. See, I finally gotta date with a girl who has a
††††††† waist. Iíve never had waist before. I gotta have some place to take her.
 
KELLY:Come on Bud, Iím sure thereís plenty of places you could take her instead. I know, the
††††††† Peanuts Gang On Ice is in town.
 
BUD:††† You know Iíll devote the rest of my life to get revenge on you.
 
KELLY:Well Iím not too worried, see Iíll always have the smell of Clearasil to warn me you're
††††††† coming.
 
Al and Peggy come down stairs.
 
AL:†††† How can we have termites? Hey kids, didnít I tell ya to wipe your feet before you come
††††††† into the house? Now look we have termites.
 
Al moves into the lounge to sit down.
Peggy moves over to the dining table to join Bud and Kelly.
 
PEGGY:Now kids, donít be ashamed, even the finest homes have termites. Of course they get
††††††† them from homes like ours.
 
Peggy goes to join Al.
 
BUD:††† Hey Kel, Dadís in a real bad mood, be on your best behavior. The least little thing
††††††† could get you grounded.
 
KELLY:Donít worry, I cleaned up my room, I did all my chores. Iím untouchable.
 
Bud pats Kellyís arm.
 
BUD:††† [to Al] Hey Dad, report card day.
 
Kelly looks shocked.
 
BUD:††† I got four ĎAís and a ĎBí. But enough about me. [he turns to Kelly] Batter up.
 
KELLY:I err... I lost it.
 
BUD:††† Well... [taking a report card from his pocket] This is your lucky day [he holds up
††††††† the card] Ďcause I found it. Must of fallen out of your purse and accidentally got 
††††††† taped under your bed.
 
Kelly tries to snatch the report card but Bud is much too quick. Bud runs over to Al and Peggy
and hands the card to Al.
 
BUD:††† Howíd she do?
 
Al opens the card and reads it.
 
AL:†††† Uh, erm... F, F, F, D. What happened Kel you attend one?
 
Kelly shrugs.
 
PEGGY:Kelly this is the worst one yet. Now we are gonna have to think of a punishment for
††††††† this.
 
BUD:††† [to Al] Hey, Iím sure youíll think of somethiní. [to Kelly] Oh! By the way, have a good
††††††† time at that concert Saturday, Kel.
 
AL:†††† Concert!! You think that youíre going to a concert this weekend? No way, youíre
††††††† grounded.
 
KELLY:Grounded!?
 
Peggy gets up and walks over to Kelly.
 
PEGGY:Kelly youíve got to learn responsibility. Honey, would you like to see some of your
††††††† father's old report cards? He didnít think studying was important either. Now look at
††††††† him.
 
BUD:††† Well Mom, youíre right of course, but wonít you re-consider? I mean I just know Kelly
††††††† will study for Mondayís math test right after the concert.
 
PEGGY:[to Kelly] You have a math test Monday?
 
BUD:††† Damn my loose lips.
 
PEGGY:Kelly?
 
KELLY:Oh come on. I mean when am I ever gonna need to know math?
 
BUD:††† Well you may need it for your career. You know, three whoppers, large fries and a
††††††† coke.
 
The pest controller shouts from upstairs.
 
PC:†††† [o.s.] Whoa! Mr Bundy more news from on the termite front.
 
AL:†††† [getting up] Ahh! Let me guess, a termite slipped in the tub, broke his wing and heís
††††††† suing us.
 
PEGGY:Well on the good side he canít get much.
 
Al and Peggy head upstairs.
 
BUD:††† Kel, I know what you're thinking. ĎWhat am I gonna do with those tickets?í Well since I
††††††† got you grounded Iíll take them off your hands.
 
KELLY:You think that for one second Iím gonna stay here and study when Iím just a paternity
††††††† suit away from Jamaica? Oh no, Budrick, no. Iím sneaking out. I do it all the time, no
††††††† house can hold me and you are not going to tell on me.
 
BUD:††† You can count on me Kel.
 
KELLY:Oh I know I can, because you see I happen to know the true identity of the masked
††††††† lovers lane peeper.
 
Bud looks worried.
 
KELLY:You know, the one the whole football team has a bounty on.
 
BUD:††† You... You have no proof.
 
KELLY:Oh?
 
Kelly moves over to the chest of drawers and takes out a ski-mask and a flashlight.
 
KELLY:Then err... What would you call this mask and flashlight?
 
BUD:††† I just looked.
 
Al, Peggy and the pest controller come down the stairs.
 
PC:†††† So Mr Bundy we tent this baby up and in just a couple of days, adios termites.
 
AL:†††† Oh yeah. Well how much will it cost to tent this baby up?
 
PC:†††† Just a second.
 
The pest controller takes a calculator from his pocket and starts to add up.
 
PC:†††† Now letís see. Weíre err... weíre gonna need the special tent.
 
AL:†††† Special tent? For what?
 
PC:†††† Well you know your house is shaped oddly.
 
AL:†††† You mean like a house?
 
PC:†††† Yeah, too bad. Now letís see you got floors, thatís extra. You got rooms, thatís
††††††† extra.
 
PEGGY:And windows too.
 
PC:†††† Whoa-ho.
 
Al gives Peggy a look.
 
PC:†††† Now you got an attached garage so Iíll give you 10% off, but then it is another room
††††††† so thatís extra.
 
The pest controller taps all of this into his calculator.
 
PC:†††† ...plus gratuity. That comes to $1750.
 
AL:†††† Listen, weíll think about it, weíll let you know.
 
PC:†††† Okay, but be quick, our price goes up next week. Iím gettiní my license.
 
PEGGY:Kelly, you see what happens when you study? [points to the pest controller] 1750 a job.
††††††† [points at Al] 1750 a year. [points to the pest controller] Yes. [points at Al] No.
††††††† [points at the pest controller] Winner. [points at Al] Loser.
 
AL:†††† [pointing to himself] Suicide. [points to Peggy] Reason.
 
PC:†††† Listen I can err... squeeze you in on Saturday.
 
PEGGY:Saturdayís fine.
 
KELLY:[shocked] Saturday?
 
PEGGY:Is a check okay?
 
PC:†††† [looking around the house] No.
 
The pest controller leaves.
 
AL:†††† Ah thatís just great. $1750 for a tent to put over a house. Listen, why donít we just
††††††† borrow one of your motherís muumuus.
 
Al sits on the couch.
 
AL:†††† Hell if she doesnít wash it we wonít have to pay for the poison either.
 
Peggy sits next to Al.
 
PEGGY:Well since theyíre gonna be spraying the house with pesticides the kids and I will
††††††† have to find some place to stay.
 
Kelly runs over to Al and Peggy.
 
KELLY:I can stay at my friend Mandyís.
 
AL:†††† Er, forget it Kelly. Your grounded this weekend, youíre staying with the family and
††††††† studying.
 
Kelly goes back to the kitchen.
 
AL:†††† Now letís see, we need a place to stay thatís cheep and comfortable and accepts pets.
††††††† [thinks for a second] I got it, weíll sleep in the shoe store.
 
PEGGY:Oh honey, please reconsider. Thereís still time to get four cardboard boxes and sleep
††††††† in the junk yard.
 
AL:†††† Na, itís too much like staying at your motherís.
 
Al stands and walks into the kitchen.
 
AL:†††† Na, the shoe storeís better and safer. Once I lock it up nobody can get in.
 
BUD:††† [to Kelly] Or out.
 
 
ACT TWO
SCEENE ONE
 
The shoe store.
Al is sitting on the stool happily stroking the foot of a very attractive customer [Jade]. She
stares at Al but Al continues to stroke her foot and smile.
 
JADE:†† Oh sir. Itís been ten minutes, donít you think you should get me a shoe?
 
AL:†††† Thatís an all too common mistake in the shoe biz miss. Ya see us real pros understand
††††††† the need of holding a foot, getting a good look at the leg [Al ogles her leg] so we
††††††† know what weíre dealiní with. I hope youíre not too uncomfortable?
 
JADE:†† Well actualy, It turns me on.
 
A new customer comes in and stands behind Al, but we can only see her from the waist down.
 
AL:†††† Weíre closed.
 
The new customer sits, crosses her legs and starts to shake them.
 
AL:†††† [without looking round] Go home, Peg.
 
The camera pans up and we can see Peggy sitting. Bud and Kelly have also arrived.
 
PEGGY:I am home, Al.
 
Al stands. He has a very disappointed look on his face.
 
BUD:††† Weíre here Dad.
 
Bud notices the attractive customer and walks towards her.
 
BUD:††† Oh, Dad.
 
Bud sits on the stool in front of Jade.
 
BUD:††† While youíre here can I show you some of our bras?
 
JADE:†† I think Iíd better be going.
 
Jade bends down to put her shoes on. But gets an eyeful of her cleavage.
 
BUD:††† Well could you show me some of yours?
 
Jade gives Bud a look, puts on her shoes and quickly leaves the shop. Bud keeps an eye on her
butt all the way.
Peggy stands and walks over to Al.
 
PEGGY:Uh, Al, are these some of the fat women that you are always complaining about?
 
AL:†††† That was a once in a lifetime thing Peg, and Iím so glad you guys were here to scare
††††††† it away.
 
Buck comes in from the stockroom with a shoe in his mouth. He lies down and starts to chew the
shoe.
 
AL:†††† Aw Peg. Didnít you bring him a bone or anything, those are $100 pumps.
 
Al picks up a cheap shoe.
 
AL:†††† Buck here boy, take this, this one's on sale.
 
Buck continues to chew the expensive pump.
 
PEGGY:Isnít that cute Al, itís like he knows.
 
AL:†††† Yeah itís real cute Peg. When heís done with the shoe why donít you take him over to
††††††† the cash register for dessert?
 
Bud and Kelly are at the other side of the store.
 
BUD:††† Kel, why donít you just gimme the tickets? Youíre not gettingí out of here.
 
KELLY:Thatís what they said about the tenth grade, but eventually I will.
 
Bud and Kelly move into the back shop.
 
AL:†††† Well itís closing time.
 
Three attractive aerobics instructors [Trish, Heather and Jackie], still dressed in their
leotards, enter the store and start to look round.
 
AL:†††† Go home Peg.
 
PEGGY:[to the girls] Weíre closed.
 
They start to leave.
 
AL:†††† Hey no, weíve never been more open.
 
Peggy gives Al a look.
 
AL:†††† How can I disappoint the poor ladies, Peg?
 
PEGGY:Have sex with them.
 
AL:†††† [laughing] Heheheheh, I intend to.
 
Al walks over to the girls.
 
AL:†††† Er... Ladies, sit down.
 
The three girls brush past Al to get a seat. Al has a good look at them and almost starts
crying.
 
AL:†††† Er... Where you ladies from?
 
TRISH:Weíre from right next door, the aerobics studio. So many times weíve passed by and
††††††† seen your little face pressed against the window, so we thought weíd come in.
 
She sits down with the other two girls.
 
TRISH:Do you have time?
 
AL:†††† For you? Of course.
 
Al sits on the stool.
 
AL:†††† Erm... What can I do for you.
 
HíTHER: I was looking for an evening shoe.
 
Al picks up a shoe sizer.
 
AL:†††† All right. Let me measure your chest... I mean... [he laughs] Hahahaha. I mean your
††††††† foot.
 
Peggy is standing behind Al and is not looking happy.
Al measures Heatherís foot with the sizer.
 
Trish is having a chat with Jackie. Al overhears the conversation.
 
TRISH:[to Jackie] Some times when Iím at a party, I donít know, I canít help myself, I
††††††† think they call it nymphomania. Every man I see, I just canít keep my clothes on.
 
Al turns to Trish with the shoe sizer and tries to measure her foot, even though she is still
wearing her trainers.
 
HíTHER: Excuse me sir, since Iím the one buying the shoes donít you think you should be
††††††† measuring my foot?
 
AL:†††† Iím sorry, sheís the nymphomaniac.
 
PEGGY:Excuse me sir, but Iím gonna do what all of your customers do; go to Mortyís for
††††††† shoes. Where they have much cuter salesmen, and younger too.
 
JACKIE: This guy is pretty old. Maybe we should go to Mortyís.
 
The girls stand up and start to leave.
 
TRISH:I hope there is a really cute guy over there. Old or not, in an other second I would
††††††† have been all over this one.
 
Al looks disappointed. Peggy laughs.
 
PEGGY:[to the girls] Ta-ta.
 
The three girls leave.
 
Peggy sits.
 
AL:†††† Why Peg? Why?
 
PEGGY:Aw, because I thought I saw you startiní to look happy.
 
AL:†††† I was just pretending. You of all people know Iím not happy, see itís part of my job
††††††† to make the customers feel special. Itís what I do and Iím proud of it, Iím a pro, I
††††††† care.
 
A frumpy middle-aged woman [Mitzi] enters the store.
 
MITZI:[to Al] I need shoes.
 
Al turns round to look at her.
 
AL:†††† Yeah, the blacksmith's right around the corner.
 
Mitzi storms out.
Al gets up to lock the door.
 
AL:†††† Now weíre closed and, much like my life, my day is over.
 
Bud and Kelly come in from the store room.
 
KELLY:Err... Dad, in case of an emergency where are the other exits? 
 
Al puts the keys in his pocket.
 
AL:†††† There are no other exits. But donít worry, nothiní will happen, but if something does,
††††††† Iíve got the keys right here. [he pats his pocket] So you canít leave me behind.
 
Al walks behind the counter.
 
AL:†††† Now everybody gets a sleeping bag. [Al hands out sleeping bags] Donít rush, thereís one
††††††† for every one.
 
PEGGY:[taking her sleeping bag] Gee Al, this is great. When it gets dark can we all sit
††††††† around a boot and tell ghost stories?
 
Al laughs.
 
AL:†††† Hehehe. We got canned meat from the survival store, we got games from the toy store,
††††††† and most importantly, we got each other. Family, weíre gonna have the time of our
††††††† lives.
 
 
SCENE TWO
 
The shoe store, latter that evening.
The four Bundys are sitting wearing their night clothes. Kelly is wearing a long kimono style
robe.
Al is doing a poor quality ventriloquist act. He has his left hand held up as a puppet with a
little face drawn on the side of his hand and lipstick round his thumb and forefinger. His
right hand is held over his mouth so we canít see his lips move.
 
AL:†††† [in a squeaky puppet voice and moving his thumb as he speaks] Oh, what a nice shoe
††††††† store.
 
The others are not amused.
 
AL:†††† [in normal voice] Whatís the matter, arenít we haviní fun?
 
KELLY:Frankly Daddy, Iím all partied out. [looking at her watch] Oh wow, look at the time.
††††††† Itís 8:30, I know Iím beat, why donít you guys turn in? If Iím gonna do any studying
††††††† Iíll need quiet.
 
Some people are seen outside the store.
 
BUD:††† Hey look, the movie at the multi-plex must have just let out.
 
The people gather round the store and stare at the Bundys.
Peggy looks embarrassed.
 
AL:†††† [shouting at the on-lookers] Whatís the matter? Havenít you ever seen a family liviní
††††††† in a shoe store before?
 
Kelly gets up and walks away.
 
PEGGY:[to on-lookers] A lousy eight bucks!! He would not put up a lousy eight bucks for a
††††††† hotel. Heís a cheap...
 
Al puts his hand over Peggyís mouth to keep her quiet.
 
AL:†††† [to on-lookers] Goodnight everybody.
 
The on-lookers start to leave.
 
AL:†††† [shouting] And you single guys out there remember, this can happen to you.
 
The three aerobics instructors walk past arm-in-arm with Morty. They look inside the shoe
store and wave to Al.
 
AL:†††† [amazed] Peg, itís Morty.
 
PEGGY:Ahh donít worry honey, you got me.
 
AL:†††† Yeah right. [to Morty] Hey Morty, look what I got. [he gestures at the family] Eat
††††††† your heart out buddy.
 
Morty and the three girls wave to Al and leave.
 
AL:†††† Well Peg, Iím depressed enough now to go to bed.
 
Al, Peggy and Bud get up and walk over to their sleeping bags.
 
PEGGY:Donít you mean go to bag, honey?
 
Bud turns the lights off.
 
PEGGY:I knew we shoulda stayed in a hotel.
 
Al, Peggy and Bud get into their sleeping bags. The sleeping bags still have their price tags
attached.
 
AL:†††† Yeah yeah. Hey listen, donít mess up these sleeping bags, I borrowed them. And watch
††††††† what you do with those tags, if I lose Ďem I gotta pay for Ďem.
 
Peggy tears the tag off her sleeping bag rips it up and throws it away.
Al, Peggy and Bud lie down. Kelly is standing behind the counter.
 
KELLY:Will you guys go to sleep, Iím trying to study.
 
Bud hold up Kellyís school books.
 
BUD:††† Well then err... wonít you need these books?
 
Al and Peggy give Kelly a look.
 
KELLY:Hahahaha. Oh god, I was studying so hard I thought I had them.
 
Kelly walks over to Bud to get her books. She stomps hard on Bud as she walks past.
 
BUD:††† Owww!
 
KELLY:Sorry.
 
BUD:††† Dad, Kelly stepped on me.
 
AL:†††† Get used to it son, they do that your whole life.
 
Peggy hits Al on the arm.
 
AL:†††† Owww!
 
 
SCENE THREE
 
The shoe store later that night.
Bud, Peggy and Al are asleep. Kelly is standing behind the counter studying. Buck is lying
across Alís face, Al wakes and spits out dog hair.
 
AL:†††† Ah, maybe we shoulda stayed at a hotel.
 
KELLY:Daddy, go to sleep.
 
AL:†††† I canít, I gotta fur ball in my throat.
 
Al stands.
 
AL:†††† Such is death.
 
Al noisily tries to clear the fur ball from his throat.
 
AL:†††† Arrrccchhh, arrrrcccchhhh.
 
Al stops clearing his throat and talks to Kelly.
 
AL:†††† I just feel bad about grounding ya and every thing and makiní ya study. I just want
††††††† you to do your best.
 
KELLY:Right Daddy. Go to sleep.
 
AL:†††† Na, Iím bored. Listen, is there anything that, you know, you wanna talk about,
††††††† botheriní you? Do it now Ďcause when we get home I wonít care.
 
KELLY:[getting annoyed] Everythingís great, go to sleep.
 
AL:†††† I canít, Iím not tired.
 
Kelly looks at the clock and turns back to Al.
 
KELLY:Ok, well since youíre up there is something I wanna talk about. I have been having
††††††† this menstrual problem lately, they are just...
 
AL:†††† [cutting her off] Oh boy, Iím tired. I think Iíll hit the sack.
 
Al gets back in his sleeping bag.
 
AL:†††† Oh listen hon, stay away from the door Ďcos the electronic eyeís on. Itís real, real
††††††† sensitive. The alarm will go off.
 
Hearing this news, Bud smiles and sniggers to himself.
 
BUD:††† Hehehehe.
 
Al leans over Peggyís shoulder and wakes her up as he talks to her.
 
AL:†††† Hey Peg. [Peggy wakes] Iím bored, wanna do it?
 
PEGGY:Al, the kids are here.
 
AL:†††† Ok, but remember I asked. See ya in the fall.
 
Al laughs.
Kelly looks at the clock, it is 9:35.
 
 
SCENE FOUR
 
The shoe store.
The scene opens with a view of the clock, it is now 10:30.
All four Bundys are in their sleeping bags. Bud, Peggy and Al are asleep, Kelly is awake. Al
is snoring loudly.
Kelly sits up and looks over at Al. Peggy wakes and Kelly lies down and pretends to sleep.
Peggy sits up, checks Al is sleeping, then stands up. She goes over to the chair where Al has
left his clothes, takes Alís wallet from his pants, removes some money then replaces the
wallet. Peggy places the money down her cleavage and goes back to her sleeping bag.
 
 
SCENE FIVE
 
The shoe store later that night.
Everyone is in their sleeping bags.
Kelly sits up. Just as she does Bud gets up and sneaks over to Alís pants. Bud takes some
money from Alís wallet. As Bud turns round Kelly is standing behind him, Bud gets a fright and
drops the money.
Kelly is dressed for going out and is carrying her shoes.
 
KELLY:You are the lowest, stealing from Daddy.
 
Kelly picks up Alís wallet and takes some money and the keys for the store.
She holds up the keys to show Bud.
 
KELLY:Iím over the wall.
 
BUD:††† Well how are you gonna get past the electric eye?
 
KELLY:Same way you get your dates, crawl.
 
Al starts to wake. Bud heads back to his sleeping bag. Kelly stands perfectly still posing
like a shop mannequin holding up a shoe.
Al gets up and passes by Kelly as he heads for the bathroom.
 
AL:†††† [looking at Kelly] Those damn mannequins look like hookers.
 
Al heads into the back of the store.
Kelly lies down on the ground and crawls under the electronic eye, she stands and unlocks the
door.
 
KELLY:[to Bud] See ya in Jamaica.
 
She leaves locking the door behind her.
We hear the sound of flushing and Al comes back into the store rubbing his belly.
 
AL:†††† Mha, green meat attack.
 
We hear a dog growl offscreen.
 
BUD:††† Whatís that, Dad?
 
Al gets back into his sleeping bag.
 
AL:†††† Thatís Satan, the mall guard dog. Donít worry about him, he canít get in here. Itís a
††††††† good thing too, heís a real killer.
 
Bud smiles and pats Kellyís sleeping bag.
 
Outside the shoe store we see Kelly running and Satan chasing her.
Bud waves as she runs past.
 
BUD:††† [smiling] Better than any concert Iíve ever seen.
 
We see Kelly run past again still being chased by Satan.



Transcribed by Ephraim McBundy


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