FINAL DRAFT SCRIPT:
GUYS AND DOLLS
December 9, 1987
MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
"GUYS AND DOLLS"
Michael G. Moye
AN EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION
AL BUNDY ............. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY .......... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ........ DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ........ AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY .......... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ............ DAVID FAUSTINO
COP .................. NICK DE MAURO
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
(KELLY, WITH BOOKS, SITS AT TABLE HOLDING HER HEAD. BUD ENTERS. HE CROSSES TO THE TABLE AND
SITS WITH HER. HE NOTICES HER TROUBLE)
BUD What's the matter, Kell? Are the contractions five minutes apart?
KELLY What's the matter, Bud? Puberty five years away?
BUD Come on, Kell. We're blood. If you've got a problem, maybe I can help.
KELLY Well, Mom and Dad are at parent-teacher night and I'm scared.
BUD Y'know, Mom and Dad make me sick. When are they gonna realize that you're stupid and
leave you alone?
KELLY Yuk it up, malignancy. I have to start doing better. I've got this book report due and
I haven't read the book. It's called "Robinson Crusoe."
BUD I've read that. I can help you. For a small fee, of course.
(KELLY GIVES HIM MONEY)
BUD Okay. Robinson Crusoe was marooned on a desert island. The only people there were him,
Friday, the Professor, Maryann, Ginger... and the rest.
KELLY (WRITING FURIOUSLY) Wait a minute! Slow down, slow down. (WRITES) The professor.
BUD Right. Now in the first chapter they needed to get around the island so Gillig... I
mean Robinson and the Professor built a car that ran on coconuts.
KELLY Oh, cool.
BUD You know, Robinson always sang this little song on the island. You may want to do it
in front of the class. It shows you read carefully. (RECITES OVER KELLY'S SHOULDER AS
SHE WRITES) "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship.
The mate. - That's Robinson - was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour
a three hour tour."
BUD It's important.
SFX: CAR PULLING UP
BUD That's Mom and Dad. We'll finish this later.
KELLY Tell them I'm upstairs working really hard on my book report.
(KELLY STARTS TO EXIT UPSTAIRS)
KELLY I'm finally going to get an "A."
(KELLY EXITS. PEGGY AND AL, CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG, ENTER LOOKING NONE TOO PLEASED)
BUD Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Kelly said she's upstairs listening to the radio and dancing. Oooh,
you two look pretty mad. But in Kelly's defense, wait 'til after she's turned in her
book report. We owe her that much.
PEGGY Kelly's not the problem. She's moved up to a good solid "D." You're the one who's in
trouble. We went to your school and saw your social studies project; "Brazil: Land
of Rubber and Sunshine." (TAKES POSTER FROM SHOPPING BAG) Care to explain this picture
of your sister in a bikini?
BUD Well, it illustrates the easy sex in Brazil. So how'd I do?
PEGGY Like your father in life, you failed. Al, talk to him.
AL (SIGHS, THEN) Bud, you know you did a bad thing, don't you?
BUD Yes, Dad.
AL Good boy. Get me a beer.
PEGGY Al, this is serious. You wanna give this another five seconds or so?
AL Why is it always me? What do you do? Just give birth to 'em and swim off like a
guppie? All right, all right. Look, Bud. This torturing your sister... y'know, selling
her bathwater, her pictures, renting her room -- sure it's funny, but it's gotta stop
'cause it upsets your mother and then I have to handle it when all I really wanted to
do in life was be a cowboy and rob trains. So cut it out, okay? How was that, Peg?
PEGGY Oh, that was tremendous, Al. But I thought it lacked the power and true emotion of
your "where's my juice, you worthless slug?"
AL Yeah. That reminds me. Where the hell is my...
PEGGY Oh, shut up, Al. I want you to go upstairs and don't come down until you think of
something else to do with your time besides torturing your sister.
BUD You might as well ask me to stop breathing. It's what I do. It's what I am. I'll tell
you what, I'll help Kelly with her homework.
PEGGY Good boy.
(BUD HUMS THE THEME TO GILLIGAN'S ISLAND AND EXITS UPSTAIRS)
PEGGY Al, you know what I think his problem is? I think he has too much free time. What can
we do about that?
AL Well, we could get him a wife.
PEGGY I meant a hobby. A father-son thing. Something he could learn from you. Let's see. You
can't teach balding. He already knows how to go to the bathroom. And he's too young to
AL Oh, Peg, if you wanted a hug, why didn't you just ask for one?
(HE STARTS REACHING FOR HER THROAT)
STEVE (O.S.) It's us. Steve and Marcy. Hurry. It's important.
(AL PUTS THE POSTER IN THE CLOSET, THEN ANSWERS THE DOOR TO MARCY, DRESSED TRASHY, AND STEVE,
IN A SAILOR SUIT AND A COP. A BEAT, THEN AL LAUGHS, THEN)
COP Excuse me, sir. Do you know these people?
STEVE Al, please.
COP We picked them up for soliciting at Joe's Cocktail Lounge.
STEVE I told you, Officer, we were just role playing to spice up our marriage. And we lost
our ID when we were running from you.
MARCY It's all a big mistake. Tell him who we are, Al.
AL It's our neighbors, the hooker and the sailor.
COP I see. Just a little yuppie game, eh? Well, let me tell you a little something about
police. We don't like it when you jerk us around. I could be out there scaring kids
or driving with the siren on. So next time you want to put some fun in your marriage,
do what me and my wife do. Cheat on each other. Have a nice day.
PEGGY Ooh, great outfit, Marce. Can I borrow it? I've got a wedding to go to.
MARCY It's yours. You mind if I use your phone? I have to call a locksmith. I lost our keys
when Steve knocked me over running away from the squad car.
(SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE. STEVE SITS ON THE COUCH)
STEVE Sooo, what's new with you guys?
PEGGY Oh, we were just trying to find a hobby for Bud. Y'know, to keep him out of trouble.
Something he could do with Al. Got any ideas?
STEVE Let's see, with Al. Hmm. Well, you guys could come over together in the morning and
steal my paper
AL Hey, my morning's are for me.
STEVE Okay. How 'bout this? Take him to the ballet?
AL Why not just spray him pink and cut his tendons so his wrist is permanently limp?
STEVE Come on, Al. We go to the ballet and we're perfectly normal.
(HE ADJUSTS HIS SAILOR HAT)
PEGGY How about flying? Or polo?
AL Yeah. How about collecting original Picassos? Hell, I make minimum wage. We'll start
with one of his bad ones.
(MARCY HANGS UP THE PHONE AND JOINS THEM)
MARCY They'll be over in an hour. (LOOKS AT AL AND PEGGY) I'm sure it will fly by.
STEVE You know a hobby doesn't have to be expensive. When I was a kid, I collected baseball
AL You, too?
STEVE Yeah. I had some great ones. But my mother threw 'em all out.
AL Yep, mine too.
AL/STEV (SNORTS) women.
(THEY BOTH NOD. THE GIRLS REACT)
AL The greatest hobby in the world, but women just don't get it.
PEGGY No, Al. The thing I don't get is sex.
AL That's gonna be Bud's new hobby. Baseball cards. (CALLS OUT) Bud, get down here.
MARCY Why don't you try to find Bud something more cultural and intellectually stimulating?
PEGGY They're men. For them, something intellectually stimulating is comparing today's Elmer
Fudd with the original, fatter Fudd.
AL Hey, he's lost weight. Hasn't he, Steve?
STEVE It's like a totally different Fudd, Al.
PEGGY Let's get some coffee, Marce.
(THEY GET UP AND CROSS TO THE KITCHEN. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS)
BUD What is it, Dad? I was just helping Kelly with her homework.
(KELLY APPEARS AT THE LANDING)
KELLY Bud, let me get this straight. Friday worked for both the Millionaire and his wife.
BUD Well, remember Kell. It was only supposed to be for a three hour tour.
KELLY (PROUDLY REPEATS) A three hour tour.
BUD You got it.
KELLY Great. You know, the reason you're such a geek is because instead of going out and
having fun, like me, you read all these boring classics.
BUD I guess I've always been an egghead, Kell.
(SHE EXITS BACK UPSTAIRS)
BUD Isn't she great, Dad? What's up?
AL Bud, I want to talk to you about your new hobby.
BUD What's my new hobby, Dad?
AL Collecting baseball cards.
BUD Uh huh. How long have I had this hobby, Dad?
AL About two minutes, son.
BUD Do I like it?
(AL AND STEVE EXCHANGE A GLANCE AND LAUGH AN AMUSED, PATERNAL LAUGH)
STEVE But you know something, Bud? Today's players are kind of boring. When Al and I were
young, they were great.
AL Yeah. Y'know, that's what you're gonna do, Bud. You're gonna collect cards from when
me and Steve were kids.
BUD (FALSELY OVERWHELMED) Oh, man.
AL I mean, like Ron Santo. Gold glove winner 1964 through '68. Remember Ron Santo, Bud?
BUD I wasn't born until nineteen seventy-four, Dad.
(AL AND STEVE STARE AT BUD AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS SADLY)
AL (TO STEVE) Remember how he used to go to his right, dive, and backhand the ball?
(AL AND STEVE SMILE FONDLY)
AL I loved the Cubs then. Y'know, Bud, that's gonna be your hobby. You're gonna collect
the all time greatest Cub team ever. Me and Steve will tell you who they are when we
STEVE Isn't this fun, Bud?
BUD That's why I picked it, Mr. Rhoades.
(PEGGY AND MARCY ARE HAVING COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN)
PEGGY Look at them over there. Men are idiots. And I married their king. Baseball cards.
What's the big deal about them anyway? It's a bunch of guys holding their bats. Why
don't they take pictures the way they really are? grabbing their privates, spitting
and patting each other on the butt for (MAKES QUOTE MARKS WITH HER FINGERS) "Good
MARCY I hate baseball. My father made me watch it. I had to pretend to like it because it
was the only attention I'd get from him. All the boys at school loved baseball. I can
still hear them talking. "Baseball, baseball, baseball. Hey, there's Marcy, let's
throw a rock at her, baseball, baseball, baseball." God, I hate men. They're stupid,
ignorant animals, with stupid, ignorant hobbies. They hated me, But I didn't need
them. I had Barbie.
PEGGY I had a very special bathtub toy. Who's Barbie?
MARCY (OFFENDED) Who's Barbie? America's favorite teenage fashion model, that's who.
PEGGY Oh, a Barbie doll. I used to have one of those. As a sign of love I gave her to my
boyfriend, Keith. He was gay as a Debutante, you know.
MARCY I still have my Barbie. She's been wrapped up safe and sound in her original box for
twenty years now. Just waiting for the day I can pass her on to my little girl.
PEGGY Kelly had a bunch of Barbie stuff. To tell the truth, I never understood the
fascination with Barbie. But I used to be able to strip Ken with my teeth.
MARCY (BEAT) Yes, I'm sure. But I loved Barbie. It was a way to escape. The idea was for
Barbie to live the life you wanted for yourself.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY
(PEGGY HAS A BARBIE DOLL ON A MASSAGE TABLE GETTING A RUBDOWN BY A WHITE-T SHIRTED KEN.
ANOTHER SHOWERS HER WITH MONEY, ANOTHER HOLDS CHOCOLATE CAKE, ANOTHER VACUUMS, ANOTHER DANCES
IN BLUE BIKINI PANTS AND A COWBOY HAT. PEGGY AND MARCY LOOK ON)
PEGGY Y'know, this is fun. Listen, is there such a thing as an old, rich Ken doll who's
about to kick the bucket? That way my Barbie doesn't have to hide these Kens at five
o'clock when the Al doll comes home from the shoestore.
MARCY Barbie was meant to be dressed beautifully and properly accessorized. Not lying around
to be rubbed by horny Kens.
PEGGY You've got your accessories, I've got mine. C'mon, let's go downstairs and see what
else of Kelly's we can play with.
MARCY Okay, and after we disinfect your Barbie dreamhouse, I'm going to get out my Barbie.
(COYLY) I hope your Kens can handle it.
(AS THE GIRLS GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, THE GUYS ENTER)
AL I can't believe it, Steve. Those old cards are really expensive. But we've got seven
of the nine all time Cubs.
STEVE What a great store, huh? And a great afternoon. You think we should have brought Bud
AL What for? He'd only get in the way.
STEVE You're right. Now, all he needs is Ken Hubbs and Ernie Banks. And they're pretty
AL Well, we already sold Peg's spare tire, so that's it for me. (INDICATES BARBIE STUFF)
Look at this junk. No wonder I don't have any money. Kelly spends it on these stupid
dolls. And look at it. The house is a mess and the doll's just laying there. Just
like Peggy. All that's missing is an Al doll in the bathroom with an empty roll of
toilet paper and this could be our house.
STEVE Hey, Al. I know what we could sell.
AL I know what you're thinkin', Steve. I've thought about it myself, but there were no
takers for Peg when she was young.
STEVE No, Al. I meant Barbie. Marcy's got an old Barbie doll in the basement that she hasn't
touched in twenty years. Old dolls like that can be worth a lot of money. And the
older they are, the higher the price.
AL If it only worked that way with real people. I could sell Peg's mother and retire.
END OF ACT ONE
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY
(THE BARBIE DREAM HOUSE IS SET UP AT THE TABLE WHERE THE DOLL IS DRESSED EXACTLY LIKE PEGGY.
THE DREAM HOUSE IS A MESS. PEGGY PUSHES ALL THE JUNK IN ONE CORNER, PUTS A SCREEN IN FRONT OF
IT, THEN LIES BARBIE DOWN ON THE SOFA. AL AND STEVE ARE ADMIRING THEIR CARDS. BUD LOOKS BORED)
AL Bud, here's the crowning jewel in your collection. We got it last night. (BUD LEANS IN)
Don't touch it. Now all you need is Ernie Banks. I'm proud of you, Bud.
BUD (SARCASTIC) I'm proud of you, too, Dad.
PEGGY You men are such children. Now, where's Barbie's pumps?
(BUD LOOKS AT EVERYBODY IN ANOTHER WORLD)
BUD I guess I'm the man of the house now, eh folks?
KELLY Bud, I'm going to kill you.
BUD Oh yeah. Today was book report day. How'd you do, Kell?
KELLY How did I do? I had a meeting with the principal. A three hour meeting. A three hour
meeting. You see Bud, you innocently mixed up Robinson Crusoe and Gilligan's Island.
I told them that, but the principal didn't believe me. He said, "Even you Ms. Bundy,
are not that stupid."
BUD But he was wrong wasn't he, Kell?
KELLY Well, to make a long story short, I'm a laughing stock, you're going to die, and I'm
suspended until I do a report on all the works of some guy named Poe.
BUD You mean, like "The Telltale Heart."
KELLY (SUCKED IN) Yeah. You really know that one?
BUD Sure. It's the one with "Cousin Itt."
BUD Sure. C'mon. I'll tell you all about it. And there really is a song in that one.
(AS THEY EXIT, BUD SINGS TO THE THEME FROM "THE ADAMS FAMILY")
BUD Dee Duh Duh Dum (SNAP SNAP)
Dee Duh Duh Dum (SNAP SNAP)
The Raven Family.
AL She may not graduate. You know that, Peg.
(MARCY ENTERS DISTRAUGHT)
MARCY Steve, we've been robbed! Steve, they took my Barbie.
PEGGY Not the one you were saving to give to your daughter?
(STEVE EMITS A LONG, LOW, QUIVERING "OHHHH". AL SHRUGS)
MARCY And it was someone we know. They went right for her. Steve, find them. Find them and
kill them. No, don't kill them. Bring them to me. I'll kill them. But not at first.
First, I'll take a hammer and smash their toes. (DELIGHTING IN IT) Little to big. Then,
if it was a man, and I know it was a man, I'll turn the hammer around...
STEVE (FALSETTO) Al?
MARcY Steve, get the cops. Show them this. (TAKING PHOTO FROM POCKET) I dug up this picture
of her. It was taken the night of her first date with Ken. (TEARING UP) She was so
PEGGY Marcy, why don't you go upstairs lie down, and have a good cry in my bed. God knows
it's used to tears.
AL Both sides, Peg.
(PEGGY AND MARCY EXIT UPSTAIRS)
STEVE I'm in big trouble, Al.
AL Come on. She'll never know it was you.
(MARCY APPEARS AT THE LANDING)
MARCY He left a clue, Steve. I found a hair. It's like a fingerprint. No two are alike.
(MENACING) We'll find him. We'll find him. Oh, yeah.
(PEGGY COMES AND TAKES HER AWAY)
AL Tough luck, Steve.
STEVE I've got to get that doll back. I'll call the guy we sold it to.
(STEVE CROSSES TO THE PHONE. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS)
BUD (CALLING UPSTAIRS) Remember, Kelly. Quothe the Raven, "You rang?" (HE LOOKS SMUG, THEN
TO AL) Hey, Dad. I haven't been giving this baseball card thing a fair chance. I'm
gonna have my friend Teddy come over and check it out.
AL Sure, son. That's what it's here for.
(BUD EXITS. AL GATHERS THE CARDS AND PUTS THEM IN HIS POCKET)
AL Like Hell. Get your own hobby.
(STEVE HANGS UP THE PHONE)
STEVE Al, the store was robbed. Barbie's gone and I'm a dead man.
AL Oh, well. (READING BACK OF CARD) Hey, here's a question for you. (READS) In 1966, which
Cub had a 28 game hitting streak?
STEVE Al, don't you understand? If I don't get Marcy's doll back I... 28 games? In '66?
AL Ron Santo.
STEVE I was gonna say Ron Santo. Damn. Anyhow, the way I figure it, somebody from the
neighborhood broke into that store. Which means Barbie is probably still in the area.
AL Oh come on, Steve. We're not really going to go combing the streets for some stupid
INT. STREET SCENE MONTAGE - NIGHT
SFX: BLUESY SAX RENDITION OF "YOU BELONG TO THE CITY"
(STEVE AND AL, THEIR COLLARS TURNED UP AGAINST THE WIND COME UPON A BUM, HUDDLED IN DOORWAY,
SWIGGING OUT OF A BOTTLE IN A PAPER BAG. THEY SHOW HIM THE PHOTO. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO".
HE OFFERS THEM A SWIG. THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO" THEY MOVE ON)
INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT
(STEVE AND AL COME UPON SOME TOUGH KIDS STRIPPING A CAR. THEY SHOW THEM THE PHOTO. THE KIDS
SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO." THE KIDS OFFER THEM A CAR RADIO. THE GUYS SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO." THE
KIDS GO BACK TO STRIPPING THE CAR. AL AND STEVE MOVE ON)
INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT
(STEVE AND AL STANDING UNDER A STREETLIGHT, FREEZING. AL GLARES AT STEVE)
INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT
(THE GUYS PASS A MOTORCYCLE. STRAPPED ON THE BACK IS A BARBIE. STEVE IS ECSTATIC. THEY LOOK
AROUND AND SEE NO ONE. AS THEY UNSTRAP BARBIE, UNBEKNOWNST TO THEM, ONE BY ONE HUGE MEMBERS
OF A TOUGH MOTORCYCLE GANG GATHER BEHIND THEM AND GLARE. STEVE AND AL FINALLY GET THE BARBIE,
TURN, SEE THE GANG AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO")
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
(PEGGY IS AT THE REFRIGERATOR. MARCY IS STARING AT THE PHONE)
PEGGY I'm hungry. Marcy, can I please use the phone, if Barbie was going to call, I'm sure
she'd have done it by now.
(SHE GLARES AT PEGGY)
PEGGY We'll wait a little longer.
(MARCY NODS ONCE CURTLY, THEN TURNS BACK TO THE PHONE. STEVE AND AL STAGGER IN. THEY ARE
DISHELVED BUT CARRY THE MOTORCYCLE BARBIE. AL HAS A SHINER, STEVE RUBS HIS JAW)
STEVE Well, some of my teeth are loose but we got her.
(STEVE ADJUSTS A TOOTH WITH HIS THUMB)
STEVE Here she is.
MARCY Oh, Steve...
(STEVE HANDS HER THE BARBIE)
MARCY That's not my Barbie. My Barbie had a little crescent shaped cut on the heel of her
left foot. (TEARING UP) She got it jogging on the beach with Ken. You don't love me.
(SHE TURNS BACK TO THE PHONE. STEVE LOOKS AT AL)
INT. STREET SCENE MONTAGE - NIGHT
SFX: SAME BLUESY "YOU BELONG TO THE CITY"
(STEVE AND AL SHOW PHOTO TO A BAG LADY. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD "NO." SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR
MONEY. THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS "NO")
INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT
(STEVE AND AL SHOW PHOTO TO A GORGEOUS BLACK HOOKER. SHE NODS "YES" AND MOTIONS TO SOMEONE
OFF CAMERA. A BLOND, PONY TAIL HOOKER IN A MINI-SKIRT AND HIGH HEELS, STRUTS OVER AND WINKS AT
THE GUYS. STEVE SADLY SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO." AL NODS "YES" AND FOLLOWS THE HOOKER. STEVE GRABS
AL AND PULLS HIM BACK)
INT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT
(STEVE AND AL SEE A TOUGH GUY LEANING AGAINST A WALL, SMOKING A CIGARETTE. THEY SHOW HIM THE
PHOTO. HE NODS "YES" AND PULLS A BARBIE OUT OF HIS BAG. STEVE CHECKS HER FOOT AND SHOWS IT TO
AL. AL LOOKS DISGUSTED. THE GUY PULLS HER BACK AND HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. STEVE GIVES HIM MONEY.
IT'S NOT ENOUGH. AL GIVES ALL HIS MONEY. THE GUY WANTS MORE. STEVE STARES AT AL WHO RELUCTANTLY
BRINGS OUT THE BASEBALL CARDS. HE GIVES THEM ONE BY ONE, BUT WON'T PART WITH THE LAST ONE UNTIL
THE GUY HOLDS HIS LIT CIGARETTE UP TO BARBIE'S FACE. AL SHRUGS AND STARTS OFF. STEVE WRESTLES
THE CARD FROM AL. THE TRADE IS MADE)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
(EVERYONE WATCHES MARCY CRADLE HER BARBIE)
MARCY Steve, you're the greatest husband in the whole wide world. Except for Ken. Let's go
(THEY START OUT)
STEVE Marcy, I think I need a dentist. I'm seriously hurt here.
MARCY (TO BARBIE) Thank God you're all right. What say tomorrow we dress you in your red
linen suit for the busy gal?
STEVE Speaking of red, I'm bleeding internally here.
MARCY (TO DOLL) I'm so glad you're okay.
PEGGY I don't think they should have children, Al.
AL I don't think anyone should.
BUD Hi, Dad. Listen, I was talking to Teddy about the hobby you made me have. He said his
Dad collects trains for him, so we decided we should get into the hobbies they have
for us. I mean, a dad's always your little dad, so let's go for it, big guy, where's
AL Oh, leave me alone. Go torture your sister.
BUD Fine. Mom, what was the name of the young, stupid one on the "Beverly Hillbillies"?
BUD Thanks. (CALLS OUT) Kell. It's time to study the "Fall of the House of Usher".
(HE EXITS UPSTAIRS)
PEGGY Well, she can always be a shoe salesman, right, Al?
(HE NODS, THEN REALIZES AND STARES AT HER)
END OF ACT TWO
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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