HOW DO YOU SPELL REVENGE?
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog
Jimmy......................John Dennis Johnston
Bud, Al and Peggy come into the living room wearing New Market Mallers baseball uniforms. Peggy
is dragging a bag of equipment.
AL Nice game, Peg.
PEGGY Oh, you're talking to me again, huh? It was fun, Al. It's only a game.
AL No, it's only a game if you win. But if you lose, it's a stinking waste of time.
Especially if you lose to the "Kiss Me" cosmetics company.
PEGGY Well, they sure smelled good, didn't they? And you know, Al, I may have struck out four
times, but at least I found out I was using the wrong eyeliner.
AL Peg, we lost to six women and three men with visible panty lines.
Al sits on the couch. Peggy walks over to Bud.
PEGGY Bud, you had fun, didn't you?
BUD You stink, Mom.
Bud sits down next to Al and hands him a beer.
BUD We lost to women, Dad.
AL You'll get used to it, Son.
BUD We haven't won a game all season.
PEGGY Well, I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower. Al, would you like me to prepare your
shower? You know, spray deodorant on the underarms of a clean shirt?
AL Peg, I don't have any clean shirts.
PEGGY Well, you guys can be miserable if you want to, but I got out in the sunshine and I had
a good time. I love being on this team.
AL Ah, Peg, you're right. That's what it's all about.
Al waits for Peggy to go upstairs, then addresses Bud.
AL We gotta get rid of your mother, Bud.
BUD I know, Dad. But how? We've gotta have three women on the team.
AL Well, we gotta do something. We're 0 and 7! If we lose our next two games we're out of
the league. And then you know where we'll be spending our Sundays...
BUD [dejectedly] Grandma's.
AL Yeah. Well, it may not come to that, Son. Next week we're playing the "Shaky Acres"
retirement home, and their best player has bladder problems. We'll take him out on the
first play at second. Ah, but your mother'd lose a grounder in the sun. It's just too
risky, Bud. We need another woman.
BUD Well, this may be stretching the word 'woman', but Kelly's pretty good. She's got a
great arm. I once saw her hit a police car with a rock at 200 yards.
AL [proudly] I taught her how to throw. Let's sign her.
BUD I don't know. Mom loves those games. How're we gonna get her not to play?
AL Well, that's where you come in, Bud. I leave it up to you. Nothing permanent, I just
want her out for two weeks.
BUD You can depend on me. Hey, I -
Al silences Bud in midsentence.
AL I don't wanna know about it. Just do what you have to do.
BUD Right, Dad.
Bud goes upstairs.
AL Ah, three women rule. If God had wanted women to play ball he'd have made them men.
Al gets up and walks over to the kitchen. Kelly comes in.
KELLY I just met the most wonderful guy. He's nice, he's courteous, he's never thrown a
teacher through a window... But still, there's something I like about him.
AL That's good, uh... [suddenly] Think fast!
Al throws an orange to Kelly and she catches it. Al laughs smugly and walks over to her.
AL You know, Kelly, it's been a long time since we've had a father-daughter talk.
KELLY We've never had a father-daughter talk.
AL Well, that's because up until now I've never had anything to say to you. But, uh -
Al leads Kelly to the couch.
AL Sit down.
Al and Kelly sit down on the couch.
AL Ah, you grew up so fast. Just seem like yesterday we were out in the backyard playing
KELLY You mean before Bud was born and you figured I was your last chance?
AL Bud means nothing to me. You were always my favorite, you know that.
KELLY [emotionally] Oh, Daddy.
Kelly rests her head on Al's shoulder, but he quickly pushes her away.
AL Yeah, come on, come on. Eh, Honey, I was just thinking, you know your old Dad might not
be around forever...
KELLY That's what Mom says.
AL Your Mom is the reason that I might not be around forever. But now, Honey, I was
thinking, you know, maybe you might like to play a little ball on our team this Sunday.
KELLY I thought Mom was playing.
PEGGY [o.s.] Ow! Al, I almost broke my toe on your weights. I told you not to leave them
AL Mom might be a little busy.
KELLY You know, Dad, I'd love to, but I can't. This new guy and I are gonna go watch them
unload the '88 Harleys down at the bike shop on Sunday. Think I'm in love!
AL Kelly, hey, let me tell you something. Guys will come and guys will go, but your Dad
will always be your Dad. Until he can't take it anymore and hops on a freight train.
[laughs] Come on, Honey. It'll be like old times in the back yard.
KELLY I can't, Daddy. I've got a date.
AL You're playing third, Kelly.
Al gets up.
KELLY Oh, Daddy.
Kelly also gets up. Peggy comes down the stairs.
KELLY Mom! Guess what? I'm in love. And wait till you meet him, he's perfect. He does the
cutest things. We went down to this great new restaurant in new town. We ate everything
on the menu, I mean, the most expensive stuff. Do you know what he did? He put a roach
in the food and we didn't have to pay for anything.
PEGGY You're kidding! You know, that's amazing. I used to date a guy who did that. Yeah, now
your father just takes me to restaurants where they have their own bugs.
Bud sneaks downstairs behind Peggy's back, goes to the counter and picks up a banana. He peels
it and shows it to Al, who holds up his hand as if to say "I don't wanna know about it". Bud
sneaks back upstairs with the banana.
Kelly and Peggy sit on the couch.
PEGGY So, what's his name?
KELLY Brian. Oh Mom, I love everything about him. His hair, his lips, his breath...
PEGGY His breath? Really? [glances at Al] Well, there goes the old myth of a girl wanting a
guy just like her father.
AL Peg, I wonder why you never went after a guy like your father. Or weren't there any
chronically unemployed social parasites the month you were in your prime?
KELLY Mom, how did you know you were in love with Dad?
PEGGY Well, he was kind of an athlete in school, and no one really thought much about the
future back then.
We hear Bud calling from upstairs.
BUD [o.s.] Mom, can you come up here right away?
PEGGY Al, I'm talking to Kelly. Could you go see what Bud wants?
Al heads upstairs, muttering to himself on the way.
AL Ah, clean up after the dog, talk to your son... it never ends.
PEGGY You know, Honey, you ought to bring Brian down to watch us play softball. I was so good
today. [chuckles] Well, I thought I was good. Daddy was a little upset, but you know, he
takes these games much too seriously.
Kelly nods. Upstairs, we hear Al scream, followed by a thud.
BUD [o.s.] Dad, you ruined everything!
The living room.
Kelly and Brian are on the couch. Brian's head is in Kelly's lap and she is feeding him grapes.
BRIAN You don't love me.
KELLY Yes I do. Do you think that I would do this for everyone?
BRIAN I've seen you do this for everyone.
Kelly shrugs. Then she takes a potato chip, puts it in her mouth and feeds it to Brian. We hear
Al from outside.
AL [o.s.] You stink!
KELLY [alarmed] My parents are home.
Brian sits up.
BRIAN I thought they'd be playing softball all day.
KELLY I thought I'd leave home by the time I was fifteen. You know, sometimes things don't
work out the way you think. But look, don't worry about meeting my parents. Except for
my father. I mean, he's okay and all, but if he finds you sitting in his spot he'll
punch you in the face.
BRIAN Where is his spot?
KELLY I forget.
Kelly takes some bowls and boxes of food to the kitchen.
KELLY Anyhow, only talk to him about sports and bodily functions. That's what he knows, that's
what he likes.
Kelly sits next to Brian. He puts his hand on her shoulder.
KELLY Oh, one more thing. If you touch me while he's here, he'll break your back.
Brian holds his hands up in the air.
Peggy, Bud and Al come in wearing their New Market Mallers baseball uniforms. Al is leaning on
Bud to help him walk.
PEGGY It was very brave of you to play with that foot, Al.
AL Yeah, freak accident slipping on a banana peel.
KELLY How'd you do, Dad?
AL I went four-for-four, Bud went four-for-four, and your Mom... Well, we lost 17-8.
PEGGY At least I hit the ball, Al.
AL Oh, great. You finally make a bunt, and an 80-year-old man beats you to first base.
'Course, he wasn't wearing high heels. Bud, you wanna get me some juice, huh?
Al approaches the couch. Brian quickly gets up.
BRIAN [pointing to where he just sat] Is this your spot?
AL This is my house. Every spot is my spot.
KELLY Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Brian.
Brian holds out his hand. Al ignores him and turns back to Peggy.
AL Next week we play the Christian T-shirt Shop. Now they've never won a game because they
refuse to steal... But they've never played us.
Bud is standing next to the open refrigerator, which is empty save for three bottles of beer.
BUD Dad, the refrigerator's been sucked dry.
Al turns back to Brian.
AL [pointing at Brian] Who's this?
KELLY It's Brian.
PEGGY Nice to meet you, Brian.
AL Yeah, nice to meet you, Brian.
BRIAN [nervously] Hi.
AL Your breath smells of juice.
Al pushes past Brian and walks over to the kitchen. Kelly, Brian and Peggy sit on the couch.
PEGGY [to Brian] Oh, don't pay any attention to Al. No one ever does. You know, you look kinda
familiar. Do I know you from anywhere?
BRIAN I don't think so. But I do work at the grocery store.
AL Then there's no way she ever saw you there. Drink all my juice, huh?
BUD Wait a second, Dad. Juice gives him the essential vitamins he needs to fight [indicating
Kelly gets up and puts her arm around Bud's shoulder.
KELLY [sweetly] Brian, I'd like you to meet my brother, Bug.
BUD That's 'Bud'. I was named after a beer, wasn't I, Dad?
Al puts his arm around Kelly's shoulder.
AL So Brian, outside of drinking all our juice, what are your intentions with, uh, Kelly
Peggy gets up.
PEGGY Come on, everybody. Let's give them a little privacy.
Bud sits down next to Brian and kneels close to him. Al sits in the armchair and looks at Brian
Kelly and Brian come out of the house. Brian puts on his jacket.
KELLY You know, I think my Dad really liked you.
BRIAN Gee, I really liked him. By the way, thanks for saying "have some more juice, we have
KELLY You're more important than my father.
BRIAN Am I?
They sit down, holding hands.
KELLY You know how I feel about you.
BRIAN You know, it takes more than words. There is a way you could prove it to me, but, uh,
you'd never do it.
KELLY Yes I would. What? You've known me for two days. You know there's nothing I wouldn't do.
BRIAN I know. But I'm talking about a tattoo. One with my name on it. I'm getting one with
your name on it...
KELLY You are?
BRIAN Yeah. You see, that's the way I feel about you, Kelly.
KELLY Well, where do you want me to put it?
BRIAN Anywhere. As long as it shows.
KELLY So, like, anywhere.
KELLY I don't know. My parents would kill me.
Brian gives Kelly a long kiss.
KELLY [smiling giddily] I'll do it.
Kelly is pacing back and forth in the living room. We can hear Al and Peggy from the patio.
AL [o.s.] Come on, Peg. You're not leaving till you catch a fly ball.
PEGGY [o.s.] It's dark!
AL [o.s.] Catch!
PEGGY [o.s.] Ow!
AL [o.s.] You stink.
Peggy comes in from the patio holding a baseball glove, with Al on her heels.
PEGGY That's it, Al. I am not practicing any more. I'm good enough, and it's just a game.
AL It's not just a game. We'd better not lose to the Christians, Peg, I'm warning you!
Peggy disappears up the stairs.
AL I hate that three women rule. I hate women.
KELLY Dad, can I talk to you?
AL [impatiently] Oh, why?
KELLY It's important, Daddy.
AL Okay. But listen, this is not about sex, is it? 'Cause I don't know anything about that.
KELLY I know. Mom told me. No, it's - it's not about sex, Dad.
AL Good, good.
Al and Kelly sit on the couch.
KELLY Okay. Now I'm gonna be totally straight with you. There's this girl. Let's call her
Betty. She has this guy who wants her to look a certain way for him, but see, this girl
isn't sure that she wants to look this certain way.
AL Kelly, let me tell you something. Society somehow, someway separated the sexes. Now they
made girls weak. Now I'm not saying it's bad to be a girl - I'd rather be dead myself -
but it's always the girl's place to do something for the guy. Never the guy's place to
do anything for the girl. Until you marry 'em, then the law steps in and makes you. But
back to this friend of yours... Betty. See, she has to understand that you don't always
have to do what the guy says. Especially if Betty is my little girl.
Kelly smiles and rests her head on Al's shoulder. He quickly pushes her away.
AL Yeah. Come on, come on.
Al gets up, walks over to the stairway and calls out to Peggy.
AL Okay, Peg. Get out in the hall. We're gonna do some grounders.
PEGGY [o.s] I don't want to, Al.
AL Well, I didn't want to talk to Kelly either, but I did.
Al disappears upstairs.
Kelly rolls her eyes. She thinks for a moment, then walks over to the counter, takes a note out
of her pocket and dials the number that's written on it.
KELLY [on the phone] Yeah. Is this "Melvin's Tattoo"? [listens, glancing towards the stairs]
Yes. Can I make an appointment for next Sunday?
The living room.
Al and Peggy come in wearing their New Market Mallers uniforms. Al looks glum.
PEGGY I know, I know. I stink. But it was close!
AL We lost to nuns.
PEGGY I have never been so humiliated. In front of everyone, you told Sister Mary Alice:
"bless this, honey".
AL Hey, I might not know all the religious gestures, but I recognized the one she gave to
The doorbell rings.
PEGGY Gee, I wonder who that could be.
AL If there's any justice it's the baseball police.
Peggy opens the door. A middle-aged man named Jimmy is standing outside.
JIMMY Hi, Peggy.
Peggy looks at him blankly.
JIMMY You don't remember me, do you?
JIMMY All right, I'll give you a little hint. That night behind the aquarium in high school...?
PEGGY Oh, Craig!
PEGGY Well you're just gonna have to be a little more specific.
PEGGY Ohhh, that aquarium! Well, come on in.
Jimmy comes into the living room.
PEGGY Al, uh, this is Jimmy. From the aquarium.
Peggy walks over to Al.
PEGGY [to Jimmy] This is my husband, Al.
Jimmy shakes Al's hand.
JIMMY You're a lucky man, Al.
AL Yeah, right.
PEGGY So sit down, Jimmy.
Al, Peggy and Jimmy sit on the couch.
PEGGY [to Jimmy] You want a beer?
Peggy takes the beer bottle Al is about to drink from from his hand and gives it to Jimmy. Al
looks irritated and goes to get himself another beer.
KELLY So, uh, what brings you around here after all this time?
JIMMY Well, I always wondered what became of you, so I looked you up.
Jimmy gets up and looks around.
JIMMY Whoever thought that you'd be living in a nice big place like this. I've never even been
in a house like this.
AL How'd you let this one get away, Peg?
JIMMY Actually, Al, she dumped me.
AL Yeah? What'd you do?
Al sits down next to Peggy and Jimmy sits in the armchair.
JIMMY Well, nothing, really. It was just before the sophomore dance. I'd rented a tux, a car,
bought flowers... I got to her house just in time to see her cute little bottom pull off
on the back of a Harley.
AL Let me get this straight. You think this house is big, but her bottom -
PEGGY Al! Jimmy is speaking. [to Jimmy] And I didn't dump you. I just went out the back door
with a cuter guy. You know how kids are.
JIMMY Yeah, yeah. I - I can laugh about it now. [forces a weird laugh; to Al:] She didn't
realize it then, but she was the love of my life.
PEGGY See how lucky you are, Al?
AL See how lucky you are?
Jimmy gets up.
JIMMY You know, that night I was coming to take you to the dance, I had something special to
Jimmy takes off his jacket and rolls up his sleeve, to reveal a heart-shaped tattoo with Peggy's
name on it.
JIMMY Look at this.
Peggy gets up and walks ove to Jimmy.
PEGGY Oh, Jimmy! I'm so flattered! [to Al] Well, look at that, Al. He has my name tattooed on
his arm. You never did that.
AL Well, maybe that's because I'm not insane like old Jimbo over there... [gets up; to
Jimmy:] Well, buddy, thanks for stopping by. Uh, listen, next time you want to mutilate
some part of your body, just swing on by and show it to us.
JIMMY I'm going. I - I just wondered if you knew what it was like to go through your whole
life with a tattoo of 'Peggy' on your arm. I - I had to marry a girl named Peggy. A fat
horse of a Peggy. You know, the kind of woman that looks like she inhaled another woman.
But I guess we should all be grateful for what we have. I mean, you got a Peggy that's
beautiful and fun... I got one that sleeps standing up. I can laugh about that now,
Jimmy forces another laugh.
JIMMY [to Peggy] Ah, but we had fun in high school, didn't we? Hey, like the time I took you
to that fancy restaurant and I put the roach in the food, we got our meal for free...
PEGGY That's funny. My daughter is dating a guy who did that.
JIMMY I know. It's my son. I can laugh about that now, too.
AL Where is Kelly?
PEGGY I don't know, but I think she might be out with Brian.
AL Well, that's great. My daughter is out with the spawn of Norman Bates and Sea Biscuit.
I should've killed him when he drank my juice.
PEGGY Maybe we better go find her.
Bud comes in.
BUD Dad! I got a good one. This one is so good I won't even charge you. Guess where I saw
Kelly? Eliminate the obvious, like the back seat, the bushes, jail... Now guess. [waits
a little] Okay, time's up. She's getting a tattoo.
Peggy glances at Al worriedly.
BUD Yep, I saw her and Brian go into the tattoo parlour. They were testing her arm. Should
I bring down your belt?
PEGGY Al, you gotta do something.
Al gets his baseball bat.
BUD Ooh, much better than a belt, Dad!
AL I'm gonna go stop Kelly, then I'm gonna find Jimbo and hit one out of the park. [to Bud]
Now where's this tattoo parlour?
BUD Okay, it's the one next to the night club that says "Girls, Girls, Girls". You go down -
AL I know where it is.
Al leaves. Bud runs towards the stairs.
PEGGY Bud, where are you going?
BUD I'm moving my stuff into my dead sister's room.
Peggy is sitting on the couch, twitching her leg and glancing impatiently at her watch. She
sighs, gets up and walks to the door. Kelly opens the door and comes in.
PEGGY Show me your arm.
KELLY Who spotted me?
We hear Bud singing to himself upstairs. He throws some of Kelly's clothes over the stairway
KELLY Hey, that's my stuff!
PEGGY Never mind that, Kelly. Show me your arm.
KELLY Oh, Mom, I didn't get the tattoo. I mean, I was going to, but on the way over Brian told
me the whole story and a funny thing happened: we really did fall in love and we both
decided to get tattooed.
PEGGY But then you realized how upset your father and I would be.
KELLY No. You see, when Brian was getting his tattoo, I saw the cutest guy, and we fell in
love. So I went outside, and we rode off into the sunset in his Domino's Pizza truck. I
mean, this is it, Mom. This is the real thing.
PEGGY You're really turning into a fine young woman.
Peggy and Kelly sit on the couch and twitch their legs.
KELLY You know, Mom, I feel closer to you than ever. Now that both of these geeks have
PEGGY Yeah. You know, I feel kind of sorry for Brian, though. He's gonna have to go through
his whole life with 'Kelly' tattooed on his arm.
KELLY That's no problem, I'll just introduce him to this other girl at school named Kelly.
She's kind of fat, though...
PEGGY Well, as long as we're happy. [laughs]
Kelly smiles and rests her head on Peggy's shoulder.
PEGGY Kelly, my hair.
Kelly lifts her head from Peggy's shoulder. Bud, still singing to himself, starts to drag a
chest down the stairs.
KELLY [to Peggy] Excuse me...
Kelly runs upstairs. Al comes in.
AL I went to the tattoo parlour. Good news: she didn't get the tattoo.
PEGGY I know. She's upstairs. Did you find Jim?
AL Yep. I followed Brian to his house, broke the door down, and I was gonna break Jimmy's
head when... she came out of the kitchen. Peg, her face was in a jello mold, and she was
wearing a muumuu, but it had to be slit so she could fit into it. And she - Peg, she had
no knees! So I let him live. I figured that's the worst thing I could do to him.
PEGGY That's my Al.
AL She was horrible, Peg. Horrible! [smiles] You look good, Peg.
Al puts his arm around Peggy's shoulder.
PEGGY Thanks, Al.
AL God, she was fat...
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
would you like to contribute a script?
home on the range