THE RAZOR'S EDGE
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck
No Guest Cast
The Bundy living room, which is decorated with welcome signs for Steve.
Marcy places a bucket of flowers and streamers above the door. Peg puts down a cake on
the coffee table.
MARCY I'm so exited! [steps off stool] Steve has been gone for five days. That's the
longest we've been apart since we were married. Well, you know how it is, Peg.
[puts stool aside] What would you do if Al was gone for five days?
PEGGY Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother and travel.
She smiles. A car is heard arriving.
MARCY Here's Steve now! Get ready!
They hide behind the couch. Al opens the door, and the bucket falls on his head. Peg and
Marcy get up, looking disappointed.
PEGGY Al, did you have to come home?
AL Well, the summer place is all closed up, the yacht's in dry-dock, so I thought:
what the hell, let's spend the night at the ghetto home! What's going on?
MARCY We're having a welcome-back party for Steve.
AL Oh. So the bucket-of-death wasn't really meant for me? Why aren't we having the
party at her [points at Marcy] house? Was it because all Steve's friends couldn't
fit in there?
MARCY Well, you see, when Steve comes back from these trips, he comes back... ready. If
we had the party at our house, there'd be such a mess, and Steve has trouble
getting aroused if the house isn't clean.
She smiles sheepishly.
PEGGY Oh. Maybe if I cleaned up, Al would get aroused [looks at Al] ...it's not worth the
MARCY Steve loves his river-rafting trips. I went with him once. You can't imagine what
it's like to ride something so wild and uncontrolled.
Al looks at Peg knowingly.
AL Yes I can.
A car is heard arriving.
MARCY [excitedly] That's him! Hurry! Everybody hide!
Peg and Marcy hide behind the couch. Al continues to sit on the couch and puts his feet up
on the table. The doorbell rings.
PEGGY Get the door, Al!
AL Uh, I can't, I'm hiding.
Peg gets up and opens the door. Steve comes in. He has a beard.
MARCY [jumping up and down] Surprise!!!
STEVE Hey!!! This is great!
Steve and Marcy hug.
MARCY Oh, Steve, I missed you -
Stve leans forward to kiss Marcy but she notices the beard on his face and stops short.
MARCY What's that on your face?
STEVE It's a beard. Like it?
Marcy forces a smile and a giddy laugh.
STEVE [hugging Marcy] Oh, the stories I have to tell! The very first morning -
AL Hahahahaha. Well, all's well that ends well. [gets up] Let's get some cake, huh?
STEVE I dunno, Marce. I'm kinda tired, you know? [stretches] Reeeally tired. Bone
MARCY Oh. You know, Steve, I'm kinda pooped too. Why don't you go home and shave, I'll
put together some little sandwiches in case you want a snack between... naps...
STEVE Actually, I was thinking of keeping the beard.
MARCY Oh, you can, Steve. After you shave, you can keep it in a little box.
STEVE No, I'm serious. I like it.
Al and Peg are watching from the kitchen.
PEGGY Oh, look Al, they're gonna fight.
AL Yeah. Good. Hide the cold-cuts where the kids won't find them.
The camera moves back to Steve and Marcy
MARCY Now, come on, Steve. Go on home and shave.
MARCY [smiling] 'No'? 'No'?? I must have misheard you, Steve, I thought you said 'no'.
[stops smiling] I also thought all of our decisions were going to be joint
decisions. A beard is a decision.
STEVE Fine. Next time you want to grow a beard, do it.
MARCY Don't think I won't!
STEVE The beard stays.
MARCY It's gone. I'll see to that. You have to sleep sometime.
STEVE Ho-ho-ho, try it, Marcy. I sleep like the owl.
AL [stroking his chin thoughtfully] A beard, huh?
PEGGY It won't work, Al. I don't look at your face anyway.
Al shrugs and they go to hide the food.
The four Bundys are sitting at the kitchen table, eating.
PEGGY Everybody like their cake?
AL Mmmmm, yeah
KELLY You know, Mom, I swear I smell cold-cuts. Do we have some?
Al and Peg look at each other.
AL No. Gee, I wish.
PEGGY No. Could be nice.
AL Hear Steve and Marcy fight last night, kids?
BUD I'll tell you this: when I get married, my wife's not gonna tell me when to shave.
KELLY Nah, she'll just be going 'baaaaaaaaa'. [smiles]
BUD Sure, everybody makes fun of me 'cause I'm the only virgin in the house.
Al and Peg stop eating and look at Kelly, who looks stunned.
BUD [looking pleased with himself] Oops...
KELLY He's lying, dad.
The doorbell rings. Al gets up and goes to open the door.
PEGGY Come on now kids, is that the way we talk at the breakfast table?
Al opens the door to Steve, who is wearing a suit and looks very weary.
AL Nope, sorry, Tex, no chores for you today. Maybe we'll have you chop a little wood
for us tomorrow. [chuckles]
Steve comes in.
STEVE Ha ha. I'm not really in the mood for this, Al. I just came over to say I'm sorry
if the noise kept you awake last night.
PEGGY Ah, don't worry. We didn't hear a word. Especially when Marcy said: "I don't care
how sad Mr. Mike is, there's no room at the inn".
Steve gives Peg a funny look.
The doorbell rings.
STEVE It it's that woman, I'm not here.
Al opens the door to Marcy.
AL He's over there. [gestures toward Steve]
Marcy walks over to Steve.
MARCY Steven Rhoades, don't you dare think you can walk out of this argument.
STEVE What argument? [to Al:] Do you see an argument? No! All I see is an inn-keeper who
doesn't honor reservations.
MARCY Shave the beard!
STEVE Okay. I'll just have to go where my beard is appreciated. Somewhere where looks
AL Oh no.
Steve puts one arm around Al's shoulder and the other around Peg's shoulder.
STEVE With my friends, the Bundys. And I will remain here until you accept this beard and
all it stands for.
MARCY Fine. You can stay here as long as you want.
AL How long will that be, Steve?
STEVE Till hell freezes over, if need be. She's gotta learn that a man's face [with a
deep voice:] is a man's face.
MARCY You think I'm right, don't you, Peggy?
PEGGY I don't look at Al's face...
MARCY All right, Steve. If you wanna play out this macho charade, go ahead. You can come
home when your face is back to the baby's behind I fell in love with.
Marcy leaves. Steve sits on the couch.
STEVE Where do I sleep?
Al and Peg look at each other unhappily.
Steve is in the kitchen, wearing an apron, washing dishes and whistling. Al comes in.
AL Hi, hon. Ah, what a day. Give me a beer, will ya?
Al stretches and sits on the couch.
AL You know, every broad that came in the store today was complaining their husbands
don't pay enough attention to them.
Steve walks behind Al and hands him a beer can.
AL You smell good today, Peg.
STEVE Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.
Al turns around and looks at Steve, startled.
AL Steve, what the hell are you doing here?
STEVE I live here! But I want you to know, Al, I am not going to be a bother to you. So
if I do anything that gets on your nerves, don't hesitate to tell me.
Steve sits next to Al. Al hugs a pillow and puts his feet on the coffee table.
STEVE Don't put your feet on the coffee table, I just cleaned that! And don't scrunch up
the pillows, I have to sleep there.
Al picks up the remote control.
STEVE Oh, and if you're gonna watch TV, remember I go to bed at 10:30 sharp.
AL 10:30? But that's when Peggy goes to sleep! That means I'll have to go up there
STEVE Well, I hate to punish Peggy, but I need my sleep.
AL Well, how 'bout this, Steve: shave that bird's nest, and get the hell out!
He sniffs the air.
AL What's that smell?
He gets up and walks to the kitchen. Steve follows him.
STEVE It's food, Al.
AL Well, how did you get the stove to work? Peg said it's been broken for months.
STEVE Nah, I checked it out. Somebody just cut the cord.
Al sharply turns his head towards his bedroom, if Peg were there.
Kelly and Bud come in through the kitchen door.
KELLY Hey! Mr. Rhoades is making food!
BUD Yeah! And look, he's using the bottom thing.
STEVE It's called an oven.
Al puts his arms around the kids' shoulders.
The four Bundys have just finished eating and are sitting at the kitchen table making satisfied sounds -
except for Peg. Steve clears the plates.
AL You know, kids, we've eaten before, but we've never really eaten. Kids, thank your
mother for that terrific meal.
BUD Thank you, Mr. Rhoades.
KELLY Thank you, Mr. Rhoades.
Al and Bud get up and go to the living room.
PEGGY [to Kelly] I set out the napkins.
Kelly gets up and pats Peg's shoulder consolingly.
KELLY Mr. Rhoades, do you know anything about algebra?
STEVE Well, I have been known to juggle a few numbers down at the bank.
PEGGY I thought I was going to help you with your homework!
KELLY Well, why not pass if you can?
Steve and Kelly go upstairs. Peg gets up and sits next to Al on the couch (who's picking
his teeth with a toothpick).
PEGGY What a show-off! All four burners going at once! Well, I saw, Al. He only used
three. And that - that - that bottom thing. Just wait till our electric bill comes
AL It's gas, Peg.
PEGGY Ah, who cares. The point is I think we have made a big mistake by letting Steve
Bud and Kelly are heard laughing upstairs.
PEGGY And I don't think it's good for the children, either. I'm going upstairs and
putting a stop to this nonsense right now.
She gets up and heads towards the stairs, but stops.
PEGGY You'll get rid of him in the morning, won't you, Al?
The doorbell rings. Al opens the door. Marcy is standing outside, wearing a long raincoat.
MARCY [timidly] Hi. Is Steve here? I thought maybe we could... talk?
He slams the door in Marcy's face.
Al smiles satisfiedly.
Peg is sitting at the kitchen table. Steve sprays some cleaning liquid onto it and wipes it
vigorously. Al comes down the stairs.
AL [with open arms, smiling] Good morning, Steve! [casually:] Hey, Peg. Steve, you
Steve hands Al a cup of coffee.
AL I especially like that beard. Hey, let's go out tonight, buddy. Y'know, bowling, a
movie... Hey, let's go shopping! I'll buy you something.
Peg looks at Al strangely.
STEVE Thanks, Al, but I won't be home tonight.
AL What's the matter, buddy? You upset about something? Is it Peggy? Did she say
something? 'Cause let me know, if she did she'll be out of here by night!
Peg looks displeased.
STEVE No, Al, it's not Peggy. It's... I've gotta go to a banker's banquet tonight.
Marcy and I both have to be there.
AL [looking concerned] Well, you're not going to talk to her, are you?
STEVE No, no. But we agreed to go together for appearance's sake.
He starts redoing Al's tie as he talks.
STEVE It's... this banquet is important to both our careers. It'll be really
uncomfortable for me to be there with her, I mean I haven't seen her for five days,
I haven't touched her, I haven't smelled her, I haven't buried my face in her!
He gives Al's tie a strong yank.
AL Steve! Now remember what's important here. You have a beard, and a family to take
STEVE Al, I'm horny! I'm thinking of shaving.
Peg jumps up from her seat.
STEVE Al, calm down. Can we go someplace private to talk?
AL Well, sure, buddy. Peg, get out of here!
PEGGY Fine! I think I'll go upstairs and look through the photo album. [to Steve:] You
know, I think I have a picture of Marcy last summer washing the car. You know, when
she got her t-shirt wet, and you said something about taking her for a little spin,
but you didn't use the car? You know, that picture?
She laughs and goes upstairs.
STEVE I'm shaving, Al. I've never seen a t-shirt that wet.
AL Sit down, Steve.
STEVE I can't, Al.
Al eases Steve down onto the couch.
AL Steve, I'm gonna tell you a little something I learned about life.
STEVE [sarcastically] Oh good! At the feet of the master again.
AL The way I see it, nature played a cruel trick on us.
STEVE Well, it did move us next door to each other.
AL All right, two tricks. But I'm talking about the one that keeps us men from ruling
the earth. See, nature gave men the urge, and women the answer. True, it's not
much, but it's all they need. Gee, I wish nature gave us everything, like the worm.
Or like that guy who works down at the antique store, but... nobody asked me and
now it's too late.
STEVE God, that was a wet t-shirt.
AL Steve, think dry here for a minute, will ya? See, the problem is women know we have
these urges. But they have the same urges we do, they just don't show it because...
but that's how spiteful they are. But Steve, they need us just as much as we need
them. Why? Because we can do the job, and you can't take a battery home to meet
your mother. There. I've said my piece, now what are you gonna do about it, buddy?
STEVE I'm gonna shave and rock the house. The beard itches, Al! I'm sick of it and I look
AL Well, I know you do, Steve, but at least you've got your pride! Oh, a guy like you
can get sex anytime he wants to. [rolls his eyes] But it's pride that keeps our
pants up, Steve. Just say "no".
STEVE You know something, Al? You're right. Evolution may have passed you by, but you're
AL I know I am.
STEVE I'm making a point here! I am fighting the good fight!
AL You're right, Steve!
They get up and head toward the door.
AL Uh, Steve, when you get back from this banker thing I'll still be up. Do you
suppose you could make those little brown potatoes? I love those...
They leave. Peg comes down the stairs and signals to Marcy, who is standing out on the porch,
to come in.
MARCY I waited till they left. What's the big news?
PEGGY Steve is horny.
MARCY I could tell - you're house is clean. Is he ready to shave the beard?
PEGGY Almost. But of course we have the usual obstacle.
MARCY What's Al doing?
PEGGY Making Steve hold out until you give in.
MARCY Ha ha ha ha ha! It'll be a cold day in -
She grasps Peg's arms.
MARCY Oh, God, I need him!
PEGGY Calm down, Marcy.
They sit on the couch. Marcy picks up a sock that's lying on the couch.
MARCY [emotionally] Oh! This is one of Steve's socks.
She rubs the sock against her face, nose and mouth.
PEGGY Yes, but Al's been wearing it.
Marcy starts to cough.
MARCY Oh, Peggy, what am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I
will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure!
PEGGY Look, you don't have to give up any -- an hour and a half?? You know, if you add up
all the sex Al and I have ever had, it still doesn't come to an hour and a half. At
least not of pleasure. Oh well. Look, you can keep your principles and still have
Steve. Marcy, I only want your happiness, preferably at your own house. Because you
see, now I have healthy kids, a happy husband, and it has just got to stop. So why
don't you do this: tonight, when you pick up Steve for this banker thing, why don't
you wear the sleaziest, sexiest, sluttiest outfit you can find? I'll loan you
MARCY I couldn't do that! Our relationship isn't based on that.
PEGGY Oh, please. Then what does it mean when you're screaming "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!",
yet you never go to church? [Marcy hides her guilty and ashamed expression] Marcy,
let me tell you a little something about men. You see, nature played a very cruel
joke on them: it gave them a source of pleasure, but in order for it to work, the
blood has to leave the brain. And, you see, it leaves them confused, disoriented and
eager to enter into negotiations. Because the brain wants that blood back. You see,
it needs it to go to work to pay for all those things they'd agreed to only moments
before. You see, Marcy, we may not have upper body strength, but we do have sexual
kryptonite. Use it, Marcy. Have him shave that beard. Oh hell, have him shave his
head! [chuckles] For me.
MARCY No. I will not stoop as low as to use sexual bartering in our marriage. I'll appeal
to his intellect. We'll have a rational discussion, and he'll shave because he'll
see I'm right. [pauses] Do you have any batteries?
Peg nods understandingly.
Al is sitting on the couch. Steve is standing behind him, getting ready for the banquet.
STEVE [furiously, throwing down his tie] Ah, I hate this beard!
AL [slowly] Just say 'no'.
Steve puts his tie on.
STEVE I don't think I can, Al. [glances at his watch] Marcy's gonna be here soon. I was
looking up dresses at work today, Al!
AL Perfectly natural.
STEVE It's natural in your business - you're a shoe salesman. A bank manager has to put
the security cameras on the floor to do that. I did that today, Al! I'm gonna cave.
I just know it.
AL I know you are too, Steve. That's why I have a gift for you. A very special gift.
I didn't want to do this until it was absolutely necessary.
He takes a photo out of his shirt pocket.
AL Sit down.
Steve sits down on the couch next to Al.
AL Clear your mind, think of Marcy, and take a look at... my MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!
He shows Steve the photo. Steve screams and looks utterly disgusted.
Al continues to hold the photo in front of Steve's face.
AL Everybody says that. Yep, look at her, bending over at the beach, summer of '71.
Notice the perspiration percolating in the folds of her flesh. You may wonder why
her upper arms are blurry: there was a breeze, and we caught them in mid-flap.
STEVE Thanks Al. I'm okay now.
AL Steve, take it, and if you should get the urge at this banquet, take a look at it,
it's also good for dieting.
Peg and Marcy come in. Marcy is wearing a long raincoat again. Steve stands up.
STEVE Your hair - you changed it.
MARCY Yes. Like it?
Steve quickly takes a look at the photo of Peg's mother.
STEVE Not really. Are we ready?
MARCY All right, Steve. But first I have something to say: with regards to your beard,
though it is your face, it has affected both of us. It does not enhance your
business persona and it makes me terribly unhappy. So I appeal to your
intelligence, sensitivity and good judgement by asking you to please shave the
MARCY In that case...
She whips off her raincoat and remains in a very sleazy bedroom outfit. She holds up an
electric razor and turns it on and then goes outside. Steve follows her, throwing the
photo behind him. Peg sits on the couch next to Al, looking very pleased.
AL [after a while] Peg, you know those little brown potatoes that Steve makes? Can
you do that?
PEGGY Al, you know about making love for an hour and a half, like Steve does? Can you do
They look at each other for a while.
AL Burger king?
DIRECTED BY: LINDA DAY
CREATED BY: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KATHERINE GREEN
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: RICHARD GURMAN
STORY EDITOR: ELLEN L. FOGLE
STORY EDITOR: RALPH R. FARQUAR
CASTING: TAMMARA BILLIK
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: STEPHEN KOLZAK
"LOVE & MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: DON GREAT
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: GERRY COHEN
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
UNIT MANAGER: BOB PIATAK
TECHNICAL MANAGER: HORACE SCOTT
PRODUCTION SERVICES COORDINATOR: TONY NEELY
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: JIM RALSTON
AUDIO: ART MORGENSTEIN
VIDEOTAPE EDITORS: LARRY HARRIS, LELAND GRAY
RE-RECORDING: BLAINE STEWART, CRAIG PORTER
COSTUES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE MCQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY FRAN MCCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANT: DEBORAH CURTAN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTRE IN HOLLYWOOD
COPYRIGHT (C) 1987
All Rights Reserved
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: KEN STUMP
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of Article 15(2)
of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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