BORN TO WALK
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck
No Guest Cast
Peggy is sitting on the couch, holding a TV Guide in one hand and writing in a notebook with
PEGGY [talking as she writes] Monday, three o'clock: "People's Court". 3:30 - "Wheel of
Fortune". Four o'clock... [thinks] my time.
Kelly comes in.
KELLY Hi, Mom. Where's Dad?
PEGGY Oh, he went to get a haircut.
KELLY He didn't need a haircut???
Kelly hangs up her jacket.
PEGGY I know. But that's where he and his friends like to sit around and talk about all they
could have been in life. [chuckles] So, it shouldn't be long. Why?
KELLY Well, he promised to give me another driving lesson today... Unless you'd like to do it...
[Kelly sits next to Peggy] Please?
PEGGY Well, what's wrong with your father?
KELLY He won't let me adjust the seat, he keeps his foot poised over the brake and he yells out:
[as Al] "Red light! Stop! Stop! Stop!" when it's still three blocks away. I just know that
my roots are coming in grey. And you know what the most irritating thing of all is?
PEGGY The way he spits out the window.
KELLY No. It's instead of listening to real music, he cranks up the oldies station.
PEGGY Well, don't worry about it, honey. Tomorrow you'll pass your driving test and have your
very own license.
Peggy gets up and walks to the kitchen. Oldies music ["Proud Mary"] is heard in the background.
KELLY Well, Daddy's home. [gets up] I'll go get my jacket... and my earplugs.
Al comes in.
AL Peg! Sell the house.
PEGGY Why, Al? Did you see a shirt somewhere you like?
AL Yes. It said, "Congratulate Me, Wife's Dead". [hangs his jacket and walks over to Peggy]
Down at the barbershop I got a tip on a horse. It's fate, Peg. His name is "Dr. Footwear".
[Peggy looks blankly at Al] Get it? "Dr. Footwear"... I sell shoes...?
[Peggy continues looking blank] Anyhow, he's running this Sunday at Arlington. But the
great part is: he's never won a race!
PEGGY Al, does this story have a point, or does it just sort of go on endlessly like our
Al laughs bitterly.
AL Ah, gee, Peg, when you act like this I just wanna throw you on the floor and make love to
you. [stops smiling] Either that or just throw you on the floor. [Al and Peggy sit down
at the kitchen table] Let's get back to the horse. They're holding him back to run up the
odds, which, this Sunday, will be a minimum of twenty to one! This is our chance to really
make it big! I gotta get some money to bet. Is there anything that we have that we don't
use anymore we can sell?
PEGGY Yes, but who'd want to buy your toothbrush?
AL [smiling bitterly] Ah, you're such a big help, Peg. It's like that old saying: behind
every empty shell of a man is one of your relatives.
Kelly comes down the stairs.
KELLY Ready to take me driving, Daddy?
Al gets up.
AL What is the big rush about getting a license? I mean, do you think that driving a car is
KELLY Well, it's not as glamorous as hitching with pervos, but I still wanna drive...
AL Well, what about the bus?
KELLY Yeah, that's great, Dad, crammed together with a bunch of sweaty strangers who don't speak
any English except for: "Hey Blondie, look at this."
Peggy gets up.
PEGGY Daddy just doesn't want to pay the insurance, dear.
AL [ironically] Oh no, that's my pleasure Peg, even though my rates will sky-rocket [to
Kelly] because you're underage and I'm paying a special rate for [glances at Peggy] the
bumper-car queen over here...
KELLY [smiling emotionally] Well, I know why you don't want me to drive and it's not the
insurance. Your little girl is growing up and you can't bear to let her go, huh?
Kelly wraps her arms around Al.
AL No, it's the insurance.
PEGGY Take her out, Al.
AL [bitterly] Yeah, take her out, buy her clothes, she needs books, get her some medicine...
[pulls Kelly towards the door as he talks] When will it all end? Yeah, sure, sure, I get
one day off a week, and what do I wind up doing? Spending it with my family. [pushes
Kelly out] Aw, God!
Al leaves and closes the door behind him.
Peggy is sitting in the living room, writing in her notebook.
PEGGY [writing] Saturday, eleven p.m.: make love. 11:05: Al goes to sleep. 11:06: Finish making
Bud comes in through the porch door.
BUD Hi, Mom. If anything should happen to me, don't believe that I jumped in front of Kelly's
car. She's been telling me when she gets her license I'm car meat.
PEGGY Oh, Bud, she's just teasing you.
Peggy gets up.
BUD The last time she teased me like that I woke up bald!
PEGGY Well, yeah, but then you got to be Kojak for Halloween.
Al and Kelly come in.
AL Kelly's the worst driver in the world!
KELLY Daddy got a ticket.
Kelly laughs and walks over to Bud.
BUD Hi, Kelly.
Kelly puts her arm around Bud's shoulder.
KELLY Hi, Car Meat.
Bud hurries over to Peggy.
PEGGY Go out and play, Bud.
KELLY Watch out for cars...
Kelly laughs wickedly. Bud gives Peggy a worried look and leaves.
AL I can't believe this. "Let's have kids!" Now I got a ticket.
Al sits on the couch.
PEGGY Driving with your shoes off, Al?
KELLY No, we were stopped for a busted tail-light, and then dad got another ticket because his
license expired last month.
PEGGY Oh, Al! That means it was your birthday last month!
Peggy sits next to Al.
PEGGY Happy birthday, Honey.
Peggy kisses Al on the cheek.
KELLY You know what this means, Mom, is that Dad has to take his driving test with me tomorrow.
Kelly walks behind Al and puts her arms around his neck.
KELLY Oh, Daddy's growing up so fast...
AL Oh, get away from me. You know, it's just what I wanted to do tomorrow, spend the day at
the DMV. Eight hours in line with a bunch of foreigners who smell like vegetables.
Naturally, I'll be in the wrong line, my line will be the one where they're barbequing
Bud comes in.
BUD Mom! Kelly parked on my skateboard.
KELLY [with mock surprise] Oh, did I? Good thing you weren't on it, huh? Well, I'm gonna go
BUD Can I quiz you, Kel?
BUD Where were you last night?
Kelly lets out a forced laughter, then mutters "car meat".
AL What a day off, huh? Next thing you know, Steve and Marcy will come over.
Al chuckles. The doorbell rings. Al stops smiling, then goes to open the door.
Steve and Marcy are standing outside.
MARCY Guess who?
AL I give up.
STEVE Al, did you know your car has a busted tail-light?
AL [with sarcasm, putting his arm around Peg] And this is my family. The great life, huh?
STEVE I'm just telling you 'cause they could pull you over and give you a ticket for that.
MARCY Well, I think they just give you a warning. Unless they really hate you.
AL [to Peg] Get rid of them.
PEGGY [to Steve and Marcy] Would you like some coffee?
MARCY Well, actually we can't stay long. Steve and I are going to the nursery to pick up some
AL Real cool, Steve.
STEVE Well, it's not the John Wayne movie your life is, but then again, what is? Anyhow, your
car is blocking our driveway. I could probably get around it but I figure: why should I?
Good parking makes good neighbors. Right, Al?
AL You're not really gonna make me move my car for five feet, are you?
STEVE Two feet, three inches, Al.
PEGGY Gee Al, that's about how far your underwear lands from the hamper.
AL Well, you say "I Do" but you don't really know what it means.
Al goes outside.
MARCY [to Kelly and Bud] What are you guys doing?
KELLY Studying for my driving test.
BUD Okay Kel, here's another one. Okay, you're walking down the street, and an old man with a
dollar pulls up beside you. You a) ignore him and keep walking, b) call the police, or c)
do what you usually do...
Bud smiles to himself.
KELLY Mom, can we get Bud one of those reflective collars? Like tiny little bull's eyes in the
Kelly smiles at Bud, who gets up and leaves. Marcy sits at the kitchen table next to Kelly.
MARCY So... you're finally getting your license, huh? You're gonna love it, Kelly. Driving gives
you real independence.
KELLY Yeah, I know what you mean. You know, I was really getting sick of that "put out or get
out" stuff, you know?
Marcy smiles uneasily.
MARCY Yes, that too. But you know, a woman doesn't know true equality till she has the freedom
to come and go as she pleases. And don't forget to flirt with your driving instructor.
And if he makes any advances, you can sue him for sex discrimination. How I envy you!
Al comes in holding another ticket.
AL Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough
that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
STEVE Well, I warned you, Al.
AL [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah,
I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.
PEGGY I thought we were going, Al.
AL We'll make a day of it!
Kelly walks over to Al and shoves the theory booklet in his face.
KELLY Dad, are you sure you don't want to study for your driving test?
MARCY Driving test?
PEGGY Oh, Al got stopped earlier. He'd let his license expire so now he has to take the test
over again. And we know how well Al did in school. He's a shoe salesman, you know.
AL [smiling] I know what you're thinking, Steve, but you can't have her. She's mine. Till
STEVE [looking through the booklet] Ooh, these tests are brutal. Ooh, here's one they'll never
get me on again: how many feet in advance do you have to signal before making a turn in a
business or residential area?
AL Who cares?
STEVE A cop in a business or residential area. Come on, Al. Take a guess.
AL Two feet, three inches.
STEVE At least one hundred feet.
KELLY At least one hundred feet.
STEVE Very good!
KELLY Thank you.
MARCY Maybe you'd better study, Al.
AL I've been driving for twenty years. I don't have to study.
Al and Kelly come in.
KELLY I passed!
AL I failed!
Al crumples the paper he's holding and throws it on the floor angrily.
Previous scene continued:
Kelly and Peggy are sitting on the couch, Al is standing by the door.
PEGGY Congratulations, Kelly, I'm so proud of you.
AL Uh, Peg, maybe you didn't hear me. I said I failed my written test!
PEGGY Well, I didn't say I was proud of you.
KELLY And Mom, Dad got another ticket for a broken tail-light and one for driving without a
PEGGY [with sarcasm] Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Now I'm proud of you.
AL Yeah, this is a great little town. Neighborhood's burning down - no cops. Robberies every
minute - no cops. I start my car - here comes the Bundy squad!
Al takes a beer out of the refrigerator.
KELLY Daddy, this is so like you. [gets up] I mean, here I've got this great news, and you have
to rain on my parade. I mean, this is the happiest day of my life.
AL Well, I'm just glad I could be a small part of it, Pumpkin.
Al sits on the couch next to Peg.
PEGGY What are you so upset about, Al?
AL Well, let's see: I don't have a license. What does that mean? a) better Christmas presents
for everyone, b) the car will be much roomier with me not in it, or c) the breadwinner
can't drive to work so we'll all starve?
KELLY So there's no problem with me using the car during the week?
AL Ha ha, no, no, take it... [Al fishes the keys out of his pocket and gives them to Kelly]
Just don't get it dirty 'cause we'll be living in it soon.
KELLY Thanks, Dad.
PEGGY Al, you can always take the test again Monday, and you can make it one weekend without a
AL Well, I gotta get to work tomorrow. How am I gonna get there?
PEGGY Between Kelly and me, there will be no problem.
Time lapse. Al comes in, pushing Bud's bike.
AL Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
BUD That's my bike! I reported it stolen.
AL Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken
tail-light. Peg, I can't believe this! I got so many tickets, I don't have any money left
to bet on that horse!
PEGGY Well, there's no rush, Honey. I'm sure he'll still be running by the time you get your
AL Yuck it up, Peg. Will you get me some juice, Honey?
PEGGY I'm sorry, Honey, we're all out and I was just too bored to go to the store. Now I'm too
tired. I'm going out.
AL You're gonna get me some juice?
PEGGY Nah, I'm too busy.
KELLY Oh, get real, Dad. Nobody drinks juice but you.
Kelly leaves. Al sits on the couch next to Bud.
BUD Dad, being without a license - does it make you feel like less than a man?
AL No, son, that's your mother's job. Bud, there's this horse that I wanna bet on... How
'bout lending me a couple of bucks, pal? [Bud taps Al's shoulder with pity and leaves.
Al speaks to himself] No juice, no license, no horse... [pauses when Steve comes in]
STEVE Hi, Al. Saw you peddling in from work. You didn't study, did you, Al? By the way, you
know your bike's got a broken tail-light?
AL Get lost, Steve.
STEVE Right back at ya.
Steve starts to leave.
AL Oh, Steve! Wait a second! I - I didn't recognize you. [chuckles] Come on in.
STEVE [with suspicion] What do you want?
Al puts his arm around Steve's shoulder and leads him towards the couch.
AL Well, we're neighbors. Can't two neighbors just sit and talk?
STEVE What do you wanna talk about?
Al and Steve sit down.
AL Eh... how would you like to increase your money twenty fold?
STEVE Already did. I bet you wouldn't pass your driving test.
AL Ha ha ha ha, that's a good one! No. I am the proud possessor of some information that I
can be persuaded to sell to you for, uh, twe... fifty bucks.
STEVE Just what does the "twe... fifty bucks" buy me, Al?
AL It's the biggest insider tip of all time. It's on the stock market.
STEVE Well... I'll give you twenty-five.
Steve takes two bills out of his pocket and gives them to Al.
AL Deal. I was only kidding, it's really a horse.
STEVE Give me my money back, Al.
Steve holds out his hand.
AL Ah, but he's coming in twenty to one. See, that's better than a stock tip. Stock price
doubles, you just make two to one. This is twenty to one, Steve, it's twenty to one!
[Steve continues to hold out his hand] His name is Dr. Footwear. Get it? Dr. Footwear.
I sell shoes... Anyway, he's guaranteed to win.
STEVE Nothing is guaranteed.
AL Wrong. As long as I live in this world, I'm guaranteed to wallow in misery. But this
horse is going to win. All you have to do is take me down there, and we'll both take
STEVE Well, what time is the race?
AL Two o'clock. Pick me up at noon?
STEVE No can do. Marcy and I are going to a baby shower.
STEVE It's the boss's daughter's baby, Al.
AL So you can't take me to the track?
AL Get lost.
Steve pats Al's knee and gets up.
STEVE Well, enough male bonding. I guess I'll drive over to the gas station. I don't really
need gas... I just like to drive around. So, uh, what are you going to do, Al? Pop a few
wheelies in the living room?
Steve leaves, laughing.
AL [calling after him] Twenty to one, Steve! Ah, who needs you, I'll get there myself.
[thoughtfully] Twenty to one... that's... hmm, that's five hundred bucks... well, the
family could buy a lot of nice stuff for five hundred bucks... then again, so could I.
Peggy and Kelly are sitting at the kitchen table and Al is standing behind them.
AL All right everybody! Announcement, announcement. Today at two o'clock I have a horse
running at Arlington. I will be there. The only question before us is: which one of you
dependants is going to take me?
PEGGY Well Al, all I have to do is go for a manicure. They're having a special: eleven for the
price of ten. But I should be back in an hour.
KELLY Well, two guys are fighting for me down by the train tracks today... you know, it really
wouldn't look right if I wasn't there. But I'll be back in plenty of time.
AL Good. Now, I'm going to say this slowly so that you'll both understand: it is very
important that we get to the track. Promise me, promise me that you will be back in time.
PEGGY Al, if it's important to you, we will both be here.
We see Al sitting alone at the kitchen table, looking glum, listening to a broadcast of the
horse race on the radio.
RADIO The horses are approaching the starting gate.
Steve opens the door.
STEVE Hi, Al. I knew you were home, I saw your bike out front. How come you're not at the track?
AL For the same reason I'm not out with sleazy blondes: I'm married with children.
STEVE Gee, I wish I knew you were stuck here, we got out of the baby shower early. Her water
broke and we headed for the hills. We were by the track so I figured: what the hell. I
put down a hundred dollars on that horse. That's the biggest bet I ever made in my life.
[Steve sits next to Al] Well, at least we can listen to it together.
AL Uh, Steve, I gotta tell you, I got warned off that bet. Horse is going through some tough
personal problems, uh... getting married or something like that. So I'll tell you what:
I'm feeling kinda guilty... I'll buy 25 dollars of your bet, out of friendship.
STEVE Lick my shoe, out of friendship?
RADIO And they're off!
AL Is that a 'no', Steve?
RADIO It's Bentley Boy in the lead, with Darling Kim second, Momma's Problem third, then Satin
Lover, B-Movie, Flora Dora and Prince Harris. Bringing up the rear it's Dr. Footwear!
STEVE I'm last??
Al gets up.
AL He's gonna win.
STEVE He's last, Al!
AL I didn't bet on him.
RADIO And getting into the first turn, it's Darling Kim, Bentley Boy and Satin Lover. Dr.
Footwear is way behind.
STEVE He's way behind!
AL [dejectedly] He's going to win. [with sudden energy] No, he's not! [Al takes some money
out of his shirt pocket] Steve, give me 25 dollars of your bet right now, what do you say?
The radio commentary prevents Steve from uttering "Okay".
RADIO And here comes Dr. Footwear on the outside!
STEVE Lick my shoe, Al.
RADIO He's making a tremendous move! Coming into the clubhouse turn, it's Darling Kim, Satin
Lover and... Dr. Footwear!
STEVE [shouting] Come on, Dr. Footwear!
AL Trip and die, Dr. Footwear!
RADIO Now they're in the home stretch. Neck and neck, it's Darling Kim and Dr. Footwear. Dr.
Footwear and Darling Kim. At the finish line it's... Darling Kim by a nose!
Steve buries his head in his hands.
AL Hahahaha! Yes! He did it! You lost and I didn't!
RADIO Wait! The steward's inquiry light is on!
AL He won.
STEVE Forget it, Al. They never disqualify a horse.
AL No they don't. [quickly] No, but give me 25 bucks of the bet!
RADIO And they're taking down number 8! Darling Kim is disqualified! And the winner, paying
twenty-two ninety, is "Dr. Footwear!"
STEVE Woo-hoo! Twenty-two hundred and ninety dollars! [Steve holds Al's face in his hands]
I just won over two grand! Al, I love you. [Steve kisses Al's forehead] And you owe me
25 dollars. [Steve takes the money out of Al's hand and runs to the door] Woah! I can't
wait to tell Marcy we can invest in mutual bonds! Oh man! [Steve opens the door to leave
and sees Peggy standing there] Peg, you've got the greatest husband in the world.
PEGGY Why? What happened to Al? [Steve laughs and leaves] [to Al] Oh, hi Honey, I'm here. Let's
go to the track.
Al is slumped on the kitchen table with his head in his hands.
AL Peg, what time is it?
PEGGY [checking her watch] Five after two.
AL You know what time the race was?
PEGGY "Two", but nothing ever starts on time.
Kelly comes in.
KELLY Dad, you ready to go?
AL Family, sit down. What I have to say will be short and sweet: you stink.
KELLY I left a knife fight just to hear that?
Al gets up.
AL No, this too: right now your daddy's a little irritated, because you cost your daddy 500
freaking dollars, but more important than that - well, not more important than that but
as important - you've showed me how little you care. So tomorrow, when I go to get my
KELLY Who's taking you, Dad?
AL I'll crawl on my face. When I come home, your daddy is not going to give you anything:
not a smile, no money, no food... I'm not going to lift a finger to help any of you and
I don't expect any of you to lift a finger to help me! From now on, we have a new Bundy
rule: every man for himself.
Al goes upstairs.
Peggy is talking on the phone in the living room.
PEGGY [on the phone] Yeah Mom, Al passed his driving test and then the instructor drove over
his foot. [The camera zooms out and we see Al lying on the couch with his leg in a cast.
Buck is licking Al's toes. Al starts ringing a small bell]
Yeah, now he's gonna be stuck around the house for a while... Drive??? With that foot?
Oh, you're so right, Mom, this is not gonna be easy for me.
[Al starts ringing the bell again, but Peg continues to ignore him]
What's that ringing? Oh [chuckles] that's just Al with his bell.
Kelly comes down the stairs.
KELLY Daddy, you don't need the car, Do you?
Al rings the bell vigorously.
PEGGY What, Al?
AL Honey, can you get me a beer?
PEGGY [on the phone] Oh, hold on, Mom, I gotta get something for Al... What? The garden is
blooming? Oh, tell me all about it.
Peggy sits down. Al rings the bell again.
AL Don't you know I'm sitting here in pain? [Buck, who is sitting on the couch next to Al,
gets up and runs over Al's crotch on his way to the kitchen. Al cries out in pain]
PEGGY [still on the phone] Hold on a second, Mom, I gotta take this upstairs. I can't hear a
thing. [Peggy puts the phone next to Al on the couch] Al, hang this up when I get
Peggy goes upstairs.
Al picks up the receiver, rings his bell near it and slams the phone down.
DIRECTED BY: LINDA DAY
WRITTEN BY: JOHN VORHAUS
CREATED BY: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KATHERINE GREEN
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: RICHARD GURMAN
STORY EDITOR: ELLEN L. FOGLE
STORY EDITOR: RALPH R. FARQUAR
CASTING: TAMMARA BILLIK
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: STEPHEN KOLZAK
"LOVE & MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: DON GREAT
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: GERRY COHEN
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
UNIT MANAGER: BOB PIATAK
TECHNICAL MANAGER: HORACE SCOTT
PRODUCTION SERVICES COORDINATOR: TONY NEELY
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: JIM RALSTON
AUDIO: ART MORGENSTEIN
VIDEOTAPE EDITORS: LARRY HARRIS, LELAND GRAY
RE-RECORDING: BLAINE STEWART, CRAIG PORTER
COSTUES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE MCQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY FRAN MCCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANT: DEBORAH CURTAN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTRE IN HOLLYWOOD
COPYRIGHT (C) 1987
All Rights Reserved
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: KEN STUMP
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of
Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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home on the range