MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
#0207 (episode 19)
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN (PART TWO)
Tracy Gamble &
AL BUNDY ................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................ KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES .............. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES .............. AMANDA BEARSE
CHRISTINA APPLEGATE ........ KELLY BUNDY
DAVID FAUSTINO ............. BUD BUNDY
FANNY ...................... LaRUE STANLEY
LOUISE ..................... CHARLOTTE CROSSLEY
SHEILA ..................... JUDY KAIN
WANDA ...................... LISA KAHOFER
ZORRO ...................... BILLY HUFSEY
BOUNCER .................... RICHARD BROSE
HOST/ANNOUNCER ............. GEORGE SOLOMON
CONSTRUCTION WORKER ........ DOUG DONATELLI
WOMAN ANNOUNCER (O.S.) ..... CHERYL JEWELL
MAN ANNOUNCER (O.S.) ....... JIM GALLANT
INT. TROY'S - CONTINUOUS
(THE HOST IS ON STAGE AFTER ZORRO'S ACT. MARCY SITS WITH THE LADIES, DISTRAUGHT)
HOST All right, ladies, let's hear it. That was Zorro!
MARCY He's got my wedding ring, Peggy. What are we gonna do?
PEGGY Uh... Treasure hunt!
(SHE TAKES MARCY'S HAND AND RUN FOR THE BACKSTAGE ENTRANCE. THEY'RE STOPPED BY THE MUSCULAR
BOUNCER Hold it right there, ladies.
MARCY Listen, we've gotta get backstage.
PEGGY Yeah. We gotta get something out of Zorro's pants.
BOUNCER That old story again, Mrs. Bundy?
MARCY But this is an emergency.
BOUNCER Yeah, right. Look, lady, we used to let women backstage, until the big riot. Now,
nobody's allowed back there. We call it the Bundy rule.
MARCY It's my wedding ring! I want it back or I'll see you in court.
BOUNCER (MOVING HER FINGER FROM HIS FACE) I don't think so. You see... (INDICATES SIGN ON WALL)
"Troy's is not responsible for valuables lost in any part of a dancer". Once again,
the Bundy rule.
MARCY What are we going to do? (BEAT) I know! I'll write Zorro a note. (TAKES OUT PEN AND
PAPER) That's it. He'll read it, find my ring, bring it over tomorrow, Steve'll answer
the door, kill me... No, that won't work. Oh, I know, I've got another plan. I'll write
Zorro a note, but this time I'll give him your phone number and address. That is, if
you don't mind.
PEGGY Sure, I don't mind. As long as he comes over before, uh, what's his name comes home
(MARCY WRITES A NOTE. ANOTHER DANCER, THE COWBBOY, COMES OUT AND PEGGY REACTS HORNILY.
SHE FOLLOWS HIM TOWARDS THE STAGE. MARCY FINISHES WRITING)
MARCY Oh thanks, Peggy. You really are the very best friend I've got.
(SHE LOOKS UP. PEGGY IS DANCING ON THE COWBOY'S BACK)
AS SHE RIDES AROUND ON THE COWBOY PIGGY-BACK STYLE, THE WOMEN IN THE CROWD CHANT, "SHARE,
SHARE, SHARE, SHARE")
INT. BUNDY BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT
IN THE BUNDY BEDROOM, AL SLEEPS CONTENTEDLY WITH HIS ARMS AROUND A PILLOW. PEGGY, FRESH FROM
HER EXCITING NIGHT, ENTERS THE ROOM, SWITCHES ON THE LAMP, AND PUTS HER THINGS DOWN. SHE SITS
ON THE EDGE OF THE BED, ON AL'S SIDE.)
PEGGY: (BREATHILY) Al? Wake up, honey, it's... that time. (NO RESPONSE) Al?
(PEGGY GRABS AL'S EAR AND PULLS IT UNTIL HE WAKES UP. WHICH HE DOES, WITH A YELP)
PEGGY: Oh good, you're up. Are you in the mood, honey?
AL: Oh no.
PEGGY: Oh yes. But first...
(PEGGY GRABS THE COWBOY HAT SHE BROUGHT HOME AND PLACES IT OVER AL'S FACE. SHE TURNS OFF THE
LIGHT. THE SCENE CUTS TO THE EXTERIOR OF THE HOUSE)
PEGGY: [V.O.] Yeeehaaaaa!
(THE EXTERIOR CHANGES FROM NIGHT TO DAY)
INT. BUNDY BEDROOM - THE NEXT DAY
(AL IS ASLEEP, ALONE, SPREAD EAGLE ON THE BUNDY BED. HE IS TOPLESS, AND THE COWBOY HAT IS
HANGING ON HIS RIGHT FOOT. THE BED IS ASKEW AND MATTRESS NEARLY ON THE FLOOR)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY (CONTINUOUS)
(PEGGY IS HAPPILY DUSTING THE COFFEE TABLE)
PEGGY (SINGING) I got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle...
(KELLY AND BUD COME DOWNSTAIRS WITH SUITCASES)
KELLY: Mom? Was there a little earthquake here last night? 'Cause... the walls were shaking
and I heard Dad screaming.
PEGGY: Well, he scares easily.
BUD: Oh I slept through it. Must have been a short one.
Several short ones. (BEAT) Are you ready for Grandma's, kids?
(THE KIDS GROAN. PEGGY PUTS HER ARMS AROUND THEM)
PEGGY: You got your room deodorizers?
K / B: (TOGETHER) Yes, Mom.
PEGGY: Toilet seat covers?
K / B: Yes, Mom.
PEGGY: Flea 'n' tick spray?
K / B: Yes, Mom.
PEGGY: Well then, you're ready.
SFX: CAR HORN
PEGGY: Oh, there's your taxi.
(PEGGY STARTS TO ESCORT THEM OUT. BUD GRABS HER AROUND THE WAIST AND DOESN'T LET GO)
BUD: Please, Mom! Don't do this!
PEGGY: (PRYING HIM OFF) Bud, honey, be strong. I'll see you in a couple of days.
(PEGGY PRIES BUD LOOSE AND HE AND KELLY RELUCTANTLY HEAD OUT THE DOOR)
KELLY: We love you, Mom. But not today!
PEGGY: Oh and kids, remember when you say hello, Grandpa is the one with the hair.
MARCY (ANXIOUS) Any sign of Zorro?
PEGGY No, but I think I slept with Speedy Gonzalez last night.
(SHE GIGGLES AND SHUTS THE DOOR)
MARCY Steve is gonna go crazy. My wedding ring is gone forever.
PEGGY Oh Marcy, calm down. (THEY SIT) Men don't notice things like that.
MARCY Not Steven. He notices everything. Do you know what we do in bed sometimes?
PEGGY Yeah. Bud tells us.
MARCY Oh. (BEAT) Well, anyway... Steve and I lie in bed, put our ring fingers together. We
stare at our wedding bands, then kiss.
PEGGY So Bud made up that about Little Bo Peep and The Cop?
MARCY (LONG BEAT) Yes, he did. (BEAT) Oh, what's the difference? Steve'll never pull me over
again. (BEAT) How can I tell him I lost my wedding ring. It is an irreplaceable symbol
of our love everlasting.
PEGGY Buy a cheap copy.
(AL COMES DOWNSTAIRS. HE IS LIMPING QUITE DRASTICALLY)
AL: Hey, is this floor level?
(HE CONTINUES STUMBLING DOWN THE STAIRS)
AL Listen, Peg, I... I'm starving.
PEGGY That's nice, dear. Marcy and I are going shopping. (THEY HEAD TO THE DOOR) Oh, and
honey, lunch is in the supermarket.
AL: Gee, I must have looked good last night.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY
(AL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, WATCHING TV AND EATING SOME BEEF JERKY)
WMN ANN (O.S.) (SINGS) (TO THE TUNE OF "CAMP GRANADA") "I'm a woman, wife and mother. I earn
money, like no other. Give him backrubs, Do his laundry, And have dinner on the table
when he's hungry".
(HE TAKES A SAD BITE OF BEEF JERKY)
MAN ANN (O.S.) Impossible Dream Pantyhose. For the self-deluded.
(AL TURNS OFF THE TV. HE CROSSES TO ANSWER DOOR. "ZORRO" STANDS THERE COOLLY, DRESSED HEAD TO
TOE IN BLACK LEATHER)
ZORRO: How ya doin'?
AL Oh, I'm sorry. Kelly's at her grandmother's.
ZORRO Actually I'm looking for Marcy Rhoades. She live here?
AL Practically. Who wants to know?
ZORRO I'm Raoul. You know, Zorro.
AL I'm Al. You know, suspicious.
ZORRO Al? Al Bundy? You're married to Big Red. The rich woman with the sharp nails.
AL Who are you?
ZORRO I'm an exotic dancer at Troy's.
AL Gee, that's great. Uh listen, I'd invite you in, but instead I think I'll just kick the
crap out of you.
ZORRO Oh. Then, perhaps I'll just deliver my message and run. Your wife's friend, Mrs.
Rhoades. The one we call "The Tentacle". She lost her wedding ring down my pants during
the show last night and I'm just dropping it off to her.
AL (BEAT) Come in.
(SCENE PICKS UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF WITH AL AND ZORRO)
AL Uh, Raoul, is it?
ZORRO Well, actually it's Wilbur. (MODESTLY) But I think I'm too good lookin' to be a Wilbur.
AL Yeah. You betcha. Listen, uh, so... Exactly what was this Marcy doing when she lost her
ring down your, uh -- underpants was it?
ZORRO Yes, sir. She was tipping me. Could you see to it that she gets this ring?
(ZORRO HANDS AL MARCY'S RING)
AL As much as you believe you're too good looking to be a Wilbur, believe she'll get it.
ZORRO Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
(ZORRO SHAKES AL'S HAND)
AL Thank you, Raoul.
(ZORRO TURNS TO EXIT. STILL HOLDING HIS HAND, AL PULLS ZORRO BACK TO FACE HIM)
AL: (PLEASANTLY) Oh by the way. If my wife should happen to lose anything down your
pants... so will you.
ZORRO (BACKING OUT) Hasta luego, Mr. Bundy.
AL Right back at ya.
(AL SHUTS THE DOOR ON ZORRO. HE EYES THE RING)
AL (READS) "To our everlasting love. Steven".
AL Gee, I hope that's Steve.
(AL OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE)
AL Hi, Steve.
STEVE Hi, Al. Uh, who's the guy in the black Porsche?
AL Santa Claus. (A BEAT) Come on in. (HE DOES) So, Steve, how's Marcy doing? Still mad at
STEVE Oh, I dunno. She said she forgave me, but I could tell she was still tense. She just
sat there with her hands in her pockets, staring at the floor. I feel like dirt, Al.
AL We'll get back to that later. Uh, but first, let me tell you something about women.
STEVE Uh oh.
(THEY SIT ON THE COUCH)
AL See, women love us when we look at them like slabs of beef. You think that they wear
those tight fitting clothes just so some other broad can say, "Gee your hips look
succulent"? I mean, some do, but they become gym teachers, but I'm talkin' about women.
I mean, let's face it, Steve. Until they get married they care how they look. Yeah but,
what else do they have? Brains? Wit? (DISGUSTED) Nah. Forget it. The good lookin' ones
know we're looking, they love us to be lookin', and God bless 'em, they're carrying the
rest of the sex.
STEVE Al, I'm an educated man. Don't you think I know all that? I just feel so guilty. I
mean, every time I look at Marcy's face all I can see that girl's hiney. It's wrong, Al.
And I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.
AL Yeah. She is a special person... (CASUALLY, HOLDING UP THE RING) Oh by the way, here's
her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock at a strip club last night (BEAT)
Anyway... How do you like those Bears this year?
STEVE Uh, wait a second, Al. What's this about Marcy losing her wedding ring??
AL Oh, yeah. Yeah. Here.
(HE GIVES STEVE THE RING)
AL Yeah, I got it from the guy whose underpants they were wedged in. But, uh, I wouldn't
worry about it, Steve. He's just some stripper, named Zorro. And I'm sure it was
nothing, uh y'know, no affair that was important or anything like that. And, in fact,
knowing Marcy as I do, she probably lost it with dignity, because, as we all know...
uh, we're dirt, and she's evolved.
STEVE I can't believe it! My wife's wedding ring.
AL Oh, Steve. If I thought you were gonna be upset I never would have told you. (HE
LAUGHS) But what I'm giving you there is a present. See, that's more than a wedding
ring. What you have there is what I like to call a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. See,
you can hold it, save it, and use it for anything.
STEVE (DISBELIEVING) She's got (INDICATES HIMSELF) all this, and she goes to a strip joint?
(AL STARES AT HIM A BEAT)
AL (HUMORING HIM) Hey, you coulda knocked me over with a feather. But, getting back to
something more important. How do we make her pay? (SNAPS FINGERS) I got it. The next
time she holds one of those women's group meeting over at the house, you stroll in, you
say "Hey. Eight women in my house, and I got dirty dishes"? Let them get mad, then pat
the ring in your pocket, (DEMONSTRATING) make the mark of the Z.
STEVE (HOLDING UP THE RING) Al, I'm going to have a Stepford wife.
AL (LAUGHING) Atta boy. (BOTH STANDING) But do me one favor. When you strip away every
ounce of humanity, every shred of pride she has, just when she's bending down to kiss
your feet, tell her you got the ring (DRAMATICALLY) from Al Bundy.
(THEY DO A MANLY HANDSHAKE, BOTH HAPPY. STEVE EXITS. AL SITS ON THE COUCH)
AL Yeah, I've done a good thing. I deserve a reward.
(HE CLOSES HIS EYES)
(AL DREAMS: AT TROY'S, A THRONG OF WOMEN - INCLUDING PEGGY AND WANDA - WITH DOLLARS WAIT
HOST And now, ladies. (DRAMATICALLY) The Shoe Salesman!
(AL STRUTS OUT TO THE SAME MUSIC AS THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER. HE IS DRESSED IN HIS USUAL ATTIRE
AND CARRYING SHOEBOXES. THE WOMEN GO CRAZY. THEY SHOWER HIM WITH MONEY, KEYS, PANTIES. PEGGY
IS THERE TOO. A BRA FALLS IN HER FACE. AL EXTENDS HIS HAND, BUT WANDA THE REPAIR WOMAN RUSHES
ONSTAGE, PAST PEGGY. WANDA PUTS MONEY INTO AL'S PANTS. SHE RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT, STRIPPER STYLE.
SHE LICKS HIS CHEST. AL WAVES DOWN AT A MORTIIFIED PEGGY AND CONTINUES DANCING WITH WANDA)
(WE DISSOLVE OUT OF AL'S DREAM AND AL IS SMILING WIDE)
INT. BUNDY BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT
(AL HAS A ROLL OF BILLS. HE HEARS PEGGY GARGLING IN THE BATHROOM AND QUICKLY PUTS THE MONEY ON
HIS BEDSIDE TABLE. HE CLIMBS INTO BED, AND FEIGNS SLEEPING. PEGGY EXITS THE BATHROOM AND GETS
INTO BED. SHE NOTICES THE MONEY AND TRIES TO REACH ACROSS AL TO GET IT. AL MOVES SLIGHTLY IN
HIS "SLEEP" TO DETER HER. PEGGY, TRYING NOT WAKE HIM, TIPTOES AROUND THE BED TO AL'S SIDE AND
SECURES HER NEW MONEY. HOWEVER, AL REACHES OUT HIS ARM AND GRABS HER WRIST IN TIME)
PEGGY: Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Ha ha ha ha. Hi, honey. I was just going to tuck you in.
AL: (SITTING UP) Well, go ahead.
PEGGY: I don't feel like it anymore.
(PEGGY WALKS CASUALLY BACK TO HER SIDE OF THE BED. AL GETS OUT)
AL: Uh, sit down, Sweetypuss. (THEY SIT ON THE END OF THE BED) Honey... what's Troy's?
PEGGY: (NERVOUSLY) Uhhm... well uh, y'know it's this place where I go with the girls, and we
sit, and swap recipes, and talk about the kids...
AL: And put dollar bills down men's underpants...
PEGGY: Well, that too. I'm gonna turn in now.
(PEGGY TRIES TO STAND. AL STOPS HER)
AL: Y'know, it's a funny thing, Peg. But the other day when I went to pay the repair man,
when I looked for my money, darned if every cent wasn't gone!
PEGGY: Oh ho ho ho. Those kids.
AL: All right, Peg. Just how much of my money has found its way into the crotches of
dancing oily men?
PEGGY: How would I know, Al? I don't count it, I just shove it in.
AL: Well. Well, that's that then.
(PEGGY TRIES TO STAND, AND ONCE MORE AL'S STOPS HER)
AL: Oh, uh, Big Red. You know, I've been thinking. Remember about a month ago, one night
when you came back from, uh... swapping recipes... strangely, how could I say? Uh,
horny as a toad. That day I gave you some money to have the brakes on my car fixed. Do
I have any brakes on my car, Peg?
PEGGY: No, Al.
(AL STANDS UP, FURIOUS)
AL: And remember you told me that the kids needed some money for a school project? We don't
really sponsor a Korean family, do we, Peg?
PEGGY: No, Al.
AL: (SITTING) And Kelly's contact lenses? (PEGGY WINCES A NO) So the Big Frost didn't
really drive up the price of Tang. (PEGGY SHAKES HER HEAD) But we still do have the
Bundy funeral plot?
(PEGGY SHAKES HER HEAD AGAIN, WINCING)
AL: Well, how 'bout the kids, Peg? Did they really go to your mother's house? Or do they
belong to Arabs now?
PEGGY: (STANDING) Well, that really hurts, Al. I can't believe you don't trust me.
AL: OK, Peg. (STANDS) From now on when you go shopping, I want those receipts notarized.
From now on, I check eyes, teeth, vet bills, school books. Oh and you know our joint
checking account? I want to know what bank it's in.
PEGGY: Well, in my defense, Al. There are superb men.
AL: Don't push it, Peg. Now, I'm going to bed. I don't you ever going to Troy's again. From
now on, you and Troy's are history!
(AL GOES TO BED. PEGGY POUTS A LITTLE, THEN TURNS OFF THE LAMP AND CLIMBS INTO BED)
PEGGY: Goodnight, Al.
(THEY FACE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. PEGGY TURNS OVER TO AL TO TRY HER LUCK...)
(PEGGY SETTLES DOWN TO SLEEP. A BEAT, THEN SHE STARTS TO SMILE.
(THE BUNDY KITCHEN/DINING TABLE. A HAPPY PEGGY PREPARES SCRAMBLED EGGS AND BACON FOR BREAKFAST.
KELLY AND BUD ARE THERE WITH CEREAL, BOTH SMILING. PEGGY CARESSES HER CHILDREN'S FACES. SHE
HANDS KELLY A PIECE OF TOAST, WHO GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTS. PEGGY, WHO HAS BEEN HUMMING THE WHOLE
TIME, CALLS TO THE STAIRS)
PEGGY: Al? Your breakfast is almost ready.
(THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER, NOT OUR AL BUNDY, COMES DOWNSTAIRS. HE IS TOPLESS)
CONWRK: Hey, is everybody happy?
(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD RUN EAGERLY OVER TO HIM AND HUG HIM TIGHT)
PEGGY: Oh yes, yes, yes!
KELLY: Oh God, yes!
BUD: What a dad!
(THE SCENE DISSOLVES BACK TO PEGGY AND AL IN BED. PEGGY IS SMILING WIDELY IN HER SLEEP. AL HAS
TURNED OVER TO WATCH HER. HE TAPS HER SHOULDER TO WAKE HER)
AL: And I don't want you thinking about Troy's, either.
PEGGY: Yes, dear.
(PEGGY ROLLS BACK OVER TO SLEEP. SHE STARTS SMILING AGAIN. AL LOOKS OVER HER, INSPECTING HER)
INT. RHOADES BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT
(STEVE, IN HIS BATHROBE, PACES, LOOKING AT THE WEDDING RING. HE PRACTICES)
STEVE No, Marcy, I don't think the floor is clean enough. Wash it again. With you hair.
MARCY (O.S.) Steve, I'm home.
(STEVE STUFFS THE RING IN AN ENVELOPE AND INTO HIS POCKET. MARCY ENTERS)
STEVE Hi. Where you been?
MARCY Out shopping with Peg.
STEVE Gee. That's the second night in a row you've been out with Peggy. Oh, well, I guess
you're a good example for her.
(STEVE TAKES MARCY'S HANDS AND KISSES HER RING. MARCY HAS THE CHEAP COPY ON)
MARCY Hmm? Oh. Well, I try to be. You know, Steve, I think I've been too hard on you these
past two days.
MARCY Yes. I mean, there's nothing wrong with looking at another human being and
appreciating their form.
MARCY Yes. I mean, I was wrong to yell at you for looking at that girl.
STEVE So you forgive me? That's big of you.
MARCY Oh, Steven. (KISSES HIS CHEEK) You're the most wonderful husband in the world. I'm the
one who should apologize to you. There's nothing wrong with a little physical
attraction. After all, that's what first attracted me to you.
STEVE (MODESTLY) Well, I guess I am sort of the Whole Ball of Wax.
MARCY I remember the first time I saw you, running that marathon. (STEVE THINKS BACK AND
TRIES NOT TO REACT) Your arms were tense, your chest was heaving. There were tears in
your eyes. But still you tried to catch that woman in the lead. (BEAT) I love you,
Steve. Do you forgive me?
STEVE Of course I do.
(HE PATS HER LEG. HE GETS THE ENVELOPE OUT OF HIS POCKET)
STEVE Oh, um, this came for you. Somebody dropped it off at Al's.
(HE HANDS MARCY THE ENVELOPE. SHE REACTS NERVOUSLY)
MARCY (NOT LOOKING AT HIM) What is it?
STEVE (BEAT, RELENTING) I don't know. It was for you.
(MARCY TAKES ENVELOPE. STEVE TURNS AWAY AND GETS READY FOR BED. MARCY RUNS ANXIOUSLY INTO THE
BATHROOM. WE HEAR PAPER RIPPING)
MARCY (O.S.) All right!
(STEVE REACTS, SHAKES HIS HEAD IN AWE)
SFX: TOILET FLUSHING
(MARCY ENTERS. SHE LOOKS RELIEVED)
STEVE (LYING ON THE BED) So, uh, what was it?
MARCY Ohhh, coupons. From Peg. So I just tore them up in little bits and flushed them down
(MARCY JOINS STEVE ON THE BED)
MARCY: I love you, Steve.
STEVE I love you, Marcy.
(STEVE AND MARCY DO THEIR RING RITUAL: STEVE HOLDS UP HIS HAND, MARCY JOINS HERS WITH HIS. THEY
LOOK AT THEIR RINGS, THEN KISS. TOGETHER, THEY REACH OVER, SNAP OFF THE LAMP, AND SETTLE BACK.
AFTER A FEW BEATS IN TOTAL DARKNESS...)
STEVE Sooo... You lost your ring down Zorro's pants, eh?
(AND ON MARCY'S WHIMPER, WE)
END OF ACT TWO
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
click here for part 1
would you like to contribute a script?