MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
#0206 (episode 18)
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN (PART ONE)
Tracy Gamble &
AL BUNDY ................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................ KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES .............. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES .............. AMANDA BEARSE
CHRISTINA APPLEGATE ........ KELLY BUNDY
DAVID FAUSTINO ............. BUD BUNDY
FANNY ...................... LARUE STANLEY
LOUISE ..................... CHARLOTTE CROSSLEY
SHEILA ..................... JUDY KAIN
WANDA ...................... LISA KAHOFER
ERNEST ..................... JOEY D. VIEIRA
ZORRO ...................... BILLY HUFSEY
BOUNCER .................... RICHARD BROSE
WAITER #1 .................. CHRISTOPHER WHALLEY
WAITER #2 .................. MIKE CHRISTIAN
WAITER #3 .................. STEVE GURI
WAITER #4 .................. NICK MONTGOMERY
HOST/ANNOUNCER ............. GEORGE SOLOMON
CONSTRUCTION WORKER ........ DOUG DONATELLI
(AL IS ON THE COUCH. PEGGY REMOVES TWO SMALL ITEMS FROM THE REFRIGERATOR AND PUTS THEM ON THE
PEGGY Well, Al. I got all the food out of the refrigerator. Y'know, honey, I think it was
real nice of you to take Marcy's advice and hire a woman to fix the refrigerator.
AL I wish I could hire somebody to fill it.
PEGGY (SHUTTING THE FRIDGE) Dream on, Al. Well, since someone's going to be doing some work
in the kitchen, I... I guess I'd better go upstairs and rest.
(SHE SIGHS WEARILY AND EXITS UPSTAIRS. A BEAT, THEN AL STANDS, GATHERING HIS CHIPS AND DRINK,
ANTICIPATING. THEN THE REPAIR WOMAN, WANDA ENTERS. SHE'S A BEAUTY IN JEAN SHORTS AND A TOOLBELT)
WANDA Well, I'm ready, Mr. Bundy.
AL Me, too.
(SHE CROSSES TO THE REFRIGERATOR. AL FOLLOWS HER CLOSELY, WATCHING HER. HE SETS HIS CHIPS ON
THE KITCHEN COUNTER AND WATCHES HER BEND OVER. HE WATCHES APPRECIATIVELY)
WANDA Let me just check out the wiring.
AL Take your time. I'll just be looking over your, uh... shoulder.
(WANDA REACHES WAY BACK, PULLS SOMETHING OUT)
WANDA Look at this. Directions on how to clean the oven. Still in its original plastic.
AL (TAKES IT) Ah, it's the little woman's. I'll just go and put it in the attic with her
(THE DOORBELL RINGS)
AL Oh, excuse me. Just keep lookin'.
(HE RUNS TO THE DOOR. HE OPENS IT TO STEVE)
STEVE What's the emergency, Al?
AL It's in the kitchen.
(AL BECKONS STEVE IN AND LEADS HIM OVER TO KITCHEN AND SETS HIM UP FOR A GOOD VIEW)
STEVE You brought me all the way over here just to see that?
STEVE (APPRECIATIVE) Thanks, Al.
(STEVE POPS OPEN A BEER. THEY GAZE AT WANDA FOR A FEW BEATS)
STEVE Oh, you know, Al. This brings back a lot of memories. I saw one of those in college
once. I used to jog behind her for hours. I ran a marathon once and didn't even know
it. (HE SIGHS WITH THE MEMORY) You know her name?
AL Yeah. But I'm calling her Heidi.
(WANDA REACHES BEHIND THE CRISPER AND PULLS SOMETHING ELSE OUT)
WANDA Uh, Mr. Bundy, I just found something else. A report card for someone named Kelly?
AL (TO STEVE) I knew that school still gave out report cards.
(WANDA RESUMES WORK)
STEVE Y'know, Al. I feel kind of like a pig, standing here, enjoying myself, staring at a
poor unsuspecting woman as if she were nothing but a piece of meat. (BEAT, INDICATING
WANDA) Look, Al. She's moving.
AL Yeah. Looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
(MARCY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, UNSEEN BY THE GUYS.
HER SMILE FADES AS SHE COMES UP BEHIND THEM)
STEVE I think it looks more like an apple, Al.
MARCY What kind of apple, Steve?
STEVE A little red one. You know how they are just before you pick...
(STEVE REALIZES, AND TRIES TO COVER)
STEVE You're a pig, Al. (TURNING) Oh, hello, Marcy.
WANDA Well, I've got to go back to the shop and get some more tools.
(SHE CROSSES OUT)
AL Hurry back!
(AL WATCHES HER GO, STEVE TRIES NOT TO, BUT CAN'T. HE SNEAKS A LOOK, IN CASE IT'S HIS LAST.
MARCY WATCHES HIM)
MARCY (TO STEVE) This is why you left the PBS Pledge Drive?
STEVE Well, uh, this is something like Masterpiece Theater.
MARCY I can't believe it. You're as bad as Al. You're worse than Al. He's nothing but
a Neanderthal sexist but at least he doesn't hide it.
AL Hide it? I've got a T-shirt that says it.
MARCY I never thought I would say this. But Steven Rhoades, under that sensitive, caring
facade, you're nothing but a... a man.
STEVE That's not true!
(PEGGY COMES DOWNSTAIRS)
PEGGY Oh, hi there, Marcy.
MARCY Peggy, do you know what is going on underneath your very own roof?
PEGGY Well, we're rotting our lives away, but the kids seem to enjoy it.
MARCY Not that. Our husbands have been ogling the repair girl.
STEVE That's repair woman.
(MARCY STARES AT HIM)
PEGGY Oh, calm down, Marcy, men will look at anything.
(PEGGY BENDS OVER TO PICK UP A BAG OF CHIPS. AL AND STEVE SHIELD THEIR EYES)
PEGGY By the way, Marce. What are you doing tonight?
MARCY I don't know. Steve and I were going to go to a fundraiser for my woman's group, but
since I think he'd be spending the whole evening looking up the toastmaster's dress,
I guess I'm free tonight.
AL Was it going to be formal, Steve? Y'know, a bunch of three hundred pound women in
crewcuts and flannel shirts?
STEVE Well, actually, some wear tweed.
MARCY Keep it up, Steven. Just sliiiide down that evolutionary scale. Yes Peg, I believe
free tonight. What did you have in mind?
PEGGY Well, why don't you come over tonight? Some of the neighborhood girls are dropping
MARCY Oh that sounds like fun. I'll bring a cake.
AL Oh, there's gonna be cake? You better watch your fingers setting it out. One of the
girls has been known to debone a chicken from across the room.
PEGGY (COLDLY) It wasn't from across the room, Al.
MARCY I'll be here. Steve, I'm going home now. You, you can put a little mirror on your
shoes and go downtown for secretary lunch time.
STEVE (STANDING) Oh, Marce. C'mon. So I stared at a hiney. Does that make me a bad guy?
(THEY EXITAND STEVE SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. PEGGY SITS NEXT TO AL)
PEGGY So uh, Al, you were starting at that girl, too huh?
AL (FONDLY) Yeah.
PEGGY I bet she had great legs.
AL (FONDLY) Yeah.
PEGGY Good breasts?
AL Oh yeah.
PEGGY Wanna go upstairs?
(PEGGY SMILES AND HEADS UP. AL SNAPS OUT OF HIS DREAM-LIKE STATE)
AL Wait a minute. With you?
PEGGY Oh yeah.
(AL SHRUGS. THEY EXIT UPSTAIRS)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THAT NIGHT
(AL WRESTLES A BEER OUT OF THE FRIDGE. MARCY SITS AT THE KITCHEN TABLE KITCHEN WITH PEGGY'S
FRIENDS: FANNY THE CHICKEN DE-BONER; SHEILA, AND LOUSIE. FANNY HAS AN APPLE)
FANNY Isn't there any more cake? Oh, sorry about your finger, Marcy.
(MARCY HOLDS UP FINGER AND FINISHES APPLYING HER BANDAGE)
MARCY That's okay. It's only a flesh wound.
LOUISE I can't believe your husbands were staring at that poor girl.
FANNY You know, because of men like that, I don't even wear shorts anymore.
AL You sure it wasn't because of the guys with the harpoons?
SHEILA (TO PEGGY) Must he be here?
PEGGY We had sex today.
(THE WOMEN NOD, UNDERSTANDING)
(THE DOORBELL RINGS)
AL Must be the beef people.
(AL OPENS THE DOOR. STEVE ENTERS WITH FLOWERS. HE CROSSES TO MARCY)
SHEILA (TO MARCY) Is that the other pig?
MARCY It is.
(THEY TURN AWAY FROM HIM. AL PUTS HIS ARM AROUND STEVE'S SHOULDERS)
AL Don't challenge 'em, Steve. I've seen them send stronger men than you, screaming
to their graves.
STEVE (OFFERING) Anyway, Marce. I brought you flowers.
PEGGY (GETTING UP) Gee Al, how come you don't bring me flowers, Al?
AL We had sex today.
PEGGY I know, but something I could enjoy would be nice.
AL Well, I'll remember that next month when you come beggin'.
PEGGY (PANICKED) I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
(AL MAGNANIMOUSLY PARDONS HER WITH A SHRUG. PEGGY RETURNS TO HER FRIENDS)
STEVE Marcy, can I just talk to you for a second?
MARCY Steve, please, I'm talking with my new friends.
(STEVE LOOKS AT FANNY)
FANNY Marcy, he's undressing me with his eyes.
STEVE Madam, that would take years.
(STEVE CROSSES TO AL. THE WOMEN LOOK AT HIM EVILLY)
SHEILA Well, I'm tired of sitting around the house. I do that all day long. Why don't we go
LOUISE Someplace fun.
PEGGY OK, girls. I've got it. Let's go to Troy's.
(OTHER WOMEN AD-LIB "YEAH," "GOOD IDEA," ETC)
MARCY Oh, that sounds like fun. What's Troy's?
(MALE STRIP JOINT, A LA CHIPPENDALES'S. A BUMP AND GRIND IS IN PROGRESS WITH A "CONSTRUCTION
WORKER" GYRATING MID-STAGE. AN ENTHUSIASTIC CROWD OF WOMEN SIT AT COCKTAIL TABLES OR STAND
FOR A BETTER VIEW, WAVING DOLLARS. THE STRIPPER THRUSTS TO THE MUSIC.
PEGGY, MARCY, SHEILA, LOUISE, AND FANNY ENTER)
MARCY Peggy, this is a strip joint!
PEGGY Oh, really? Gee, I didn't know. You know, I must've passed by a dozen times, but I've
never actually been in.
(VARIOUS BARE-CHESTED WAITERS PASS-BY)
WAITER1 Hi, Mrs. Bundy!
WAITER2 Hey, Ms. Bundy, how's it going?
WAITER3 (BUMPING HER SUGGESTIVELY) How ya doin', Big Red?
(MARCY JUST LOOKS AT PEGGY)
PEGGY Okay, so I've been here once.
(THE HOST/ANNOUNCER APPROACHES)
HOST Usual table, Mrs. Bundy?
PEGGY (SHRUGS TO MARCY) But I tipped well.
(THE HOST/ANNOUNCER LEADS THE LADIES TO A TABLE CLOSE TO THE STAGE AND THE WOMEN SIT)
(WE PICK UP WITH THE LADIES GETTING SEATED AT PEGGY'S USUAL TABLE. THEY HAVE AN EXCELLENT
VIEW OF THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER AND REACT ACCORDINGLY)
MARCY Peggy, I can't believe we're actually here. Does Al approve of you coming to places
PEGGY Well, he's got mixed feelings. Actually, he doesn't know.
WAITER4 Good evening, ladies. Mrs. Bundy. Can I get you anything?
PEGGY Ah, yes. We'll have five of the usual.
WAITER4 Five strawberry fanny bangers coming right up.
(HE EXITS. THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT. THE CROWD, EXCEPT MARCY, REACTS
MARCY Uh, Peggy, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable here.
PEGGY Oh, that's okay, Marcy. It always takes me a while to warm up, too. Gangway!
(SHE SHAKES HER FISTFUL OF DOLLARS AND RUNS ON TO THE STAGE. SHE DANCES WITH THE STRIPPER
AS THE OTHER WOMEN CHEER. PEGGY WAVES BACK AT MARCY, WHO CANNOT BELIEVE IT)
(AL AND STEVE ARE WATCHING A NEW REPAIRER - A MAN NAMED ERNEST - FIX THE BUNDY REFRIGERATOR.
THEY LOOK DELFATED, AS ERNEST IS NOT A LOOKER)
AL: Look at it, Steve. It's like two rhinos gently playing under a tarp.
ERNEST: Well, Mr Bundy. I don't know who worked on this baby before me, but they sure didn't
know what they were doing.
AL: (TO STEVE) She knew what she was doing, all right. Just goes to show. If you want
something fixed right, hire an ugly man. (TO ERNEST) You have my utmost confidence.
Y'know, Steve, sixteen years ago Peg's father came to me and said, "Here, take it.
From me to you, it's yours. It's hardly been used. I should've known there was
something up. Come to think of it, he sold me that refrigerator too.
(AL AND STEVE SITS ON THE COUCH)
STEVE: Where do you think the girls went, Al?
AL: To a nice place - away.
STEVE: This is the first time she's walked out without giving me a chance to explain.
AL: Well, what were you going to explain, Steve?
STEVE: It's simple, Al. I was going to explain that while it might have appeared that we
were looking at that girl's rear end, so admirably hoisted in the air before us, but
what I was actually doing was looking with admiration as I pondered how far women have
come in the last hundred - nay, fifty years.
AL: Yea, but she did have a nice one, huh?
STEVE: You betcha. But I still feel like a hypocrite. I mean, I give money to women's
AL: Look Steve, it's good for women to be gone when they're mad at ya. It's good for
women to be gone, but especially when they're mad at ya. Because they go out there,
they see what's available. Y'know, those fat bald-headed little twerps that have no
idea how lucky they are that they can't get a woman, and they come crawling back to
ya, thankful. Knowing that there's no way they can do better than us. See, let's face
it. You don't go fishing for minnows when you've got Moby Dick at home.
(AL SMIRKS. STEVE STARES)
STEVE: All that knowledge, and you sell shoes.
AL: Hey, Michelangelo was just a painter but he did other stuff too.
STEVE: Well, Al, this may come as a shock to you, but I love my wife. I like being with her,
and I'm not happy when she's mad at me. (STANDING) So, I'm going to go find out where
this "Troy's" is and I'm gonna go and apologize.
AL: (LOOKING IN TV GUIDE) Heyyy, Hot Tub Girls is on.
(AL TURNS ON THE TV. STEVE HEADS BACK TOWARDS THE COUCH)
STEVE: I don't care, Al. I'm gonna go apologize.
(STEVE SEES THE TV. THERE IS SOFTCORE RHYTHMIC MUSIC PLAYING. AL IS WRAPT)
STEVE: See Al, it's time you joined the twentieth century. (TO AL) Appreciate women for what
they have (POINTS TO HIS HEAD) up here, and not for -- (LOOKS BACK AT TV) Ho! They're
AL GIGGLES AND THEY BOTH CONTINUE TO STARE AT THE TV.
BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS. HE SEES WHAT'S ON TV, STANDS BEHIND THE MEN, AND ALSO WATCHES KEENLY)
AL FINALLY NOTICES, AND SWITCHES OFF THE TV.
STEVE: What are you doing? (HE SEES BUD)
AL: Uh, hi Bud.
BUD: Hi, Dad. I just wanted to talk to you about something.
AL: Put a fire under it, Son. Daddy's trying to help Uncle Steve.
(HE NUDGES STEVE, WHO STANDS UP, ANNOYED. BUD SITS NEXT TO AL)
BUD: It's about me and Kelly having to go to Grandma's this weekend.
AL: What about it?
BUD: Why are we being punished?
AL: Why am I? Why are any of us? Are we done, Bud?
BUD: No, Dad. Look, Grandma's real nice and all. But that said, she smells. And she makes
me dance with her.
AL: Aw Bud, do what I do. Ride on her feet.
BUD: Please, Dad, send Kelly. She's used to dancing with old smelly people for money.
AL: Let me tell you something about grandparents, Son. They're your roots. They're your
heritage. And they're not going to be around forever. But they do own some lake front
property. You get my drift, Son?
BUD: (SMILING) Thanks, Dad.
AL: You're welcome.
(BUD EXITS UPSTAIRS)
STEVE: So, that's what they mean by quality time.
AL: No, Steve. This is.
(AL SWITCHES THE TV ON AGAIN AND HE AND STEVE RESUME WATCHING. ERNEST APPROACHES THEM)
ERNEST: Mr Bundy, can I use your bathroom?
AL: Uhh... no.
ERNEST: Well, then I'm, uh, just about done, then.
(HE RESUMES WORKING. STEVE HEARS A NOISE OUT FRONT)
STEVE: Did I just hear a car pull up?
AL: Oh Steve, what's wrong with you? You gotta be the only guy in America who actually
wants his wife to come home. Many's a night I sit here looking across at my wife.
She's sitting over there much like you are, and I look at her and I think, "go home".
And then the horror hits me' cause it dawns on me... she is home. (BEAT) Now look what
you've done, you've depressed me.
(AL LOOKS AT THE TV AGAIN AND BECOMES HAPPY AGAIN)
(KELLY ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)
AL: It's like they know.
(HE SWITCHES OFF THE TV AGAIN)
AL: What is it, honey?
KELLY: What's this about Bud saying that only I have to go to Grandma's?
AL: No, you're both going.
KELLY: Aw, come on Dad, it's just a waste of my time. She can't even tell us apart anyhow.
She's always telling Bud what a fine young woman he's growing into. And then she
sends me out to chop wood.
AL: They want to see you and if you don't go to them, they'll come here and frankly we
can't afford to reglaze the bathtub. Go on upstairs and pack.
KELLY: Fine. (STANDING) But this time Bud can help her cross her legs because I wanna have
(AL WAVES HIS HAND DISMISSIVELY AT KELLY AS SHE EXITS)
STEVE: Al, you've got a... lovely daughter. Uh, let me ask you this. When she grows up,
don't you want her to be appreciated for more than just her physical beauty?
AL: Well, let's see, Steve. How can I answer that? Well, let's see. (STANDING) Uh, Kelly
honey? Come on down here a second. Come here a minute, sweetheart.
(KELLY COMES BACK DOWNSTAIRS. AL PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER)
AL: I want you to tell Uncle Steve what your guidance counsellor said what career you'd be
best suited for.
KELLY: Lumber camp toy, or 'the other woman'.
(STEVE REACTS. AL KISSES KELLY ON HER HEAD)
AL: Thank you, sweetheart.
AL: You were saying, Steve?
(STEVE CAN ONLY SHRUG. ERNEST THE REPAIRMAN COMES BACK OVER TO AL)
ERNEST: Well, Mr Bundy, she's working!
AL: No she's not, she's out with the girls. Um, how much do I owe ya?
ERNEST: Eighty bucks.
AL: (DISGUSTED) Eighty dollars to fix a big, hulking thing that won't work and twenty
dollars to marry one.
(AL CHECKS HIS SPARE DESK DRAWER FOR THE MONEY)
AL: Wait a second, this is where I hide my money. (STANDING) Where'd my money go?
(AT TROY'S, PEGGY IS STILL DANCING ON STAGE WITH THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER. SHE STUFFS A BUNCH
OF MONEY INTO HIS PANTS. SHE THEN DANCES GIDDILY OFF THE STAGE AND BACK TO THE TABLE.)
PEGGY They keep it awfully hot in here, don't they?
MARCY Peggy, you just put a dollar bill down that man's pants. Why?
PEGGY Because my checkbook makes him walk funny.
MARCY How long are we gonna be here?
PEGGY Oh, not long. Just long enough to spend (WAVING A HUGE ROLL OF SINGLES) this.
THE WOMEN HOLLER AS THE CONSTRUCTION STRIPPER SUDDENLY RIPS OFF HIS PANTS. HE THEN TURNS
AROUND AND SEDUCTIVELY PULLS OFF A PAIR OF HIS BRIEFS. PEGGY FANS HERSELF. THE STRIPPER PLACES
THE BRIEFS SQUARELY ON MARCY'S HEAD. MARCY IS STUNNED; FANNY, SHEILA, AND LOUISE FIGHT FOR
THEM. THE STRIPPER LEAVES THE STAGE)
HOST All right, that was our Construction Worker. He's got a tool for every occasion.
(THE LADIES SCREAM)
MARCY (TO PEGGY) I think I should be going.
HOST Now, ladies, let's give a big Troy's welcome for our Latin Lover, El Zorro!
PEGGY Ola, muchacho!
(ZORRO COMES OUT TO A WILD RECEPTION. HE WAVES A CAPE. HE LETS A WOMAN IN THE CROWD TAKE OFF
HIS MASK, AND SHE HOLDS IT UP TO HER CHEST LIKE A BRA. ZORRO DOES A FEW KICKS, A FLIP, AND
GYRATES ON STAGE. HE IS VERY BENDY. THE WOMEN ARE BESIDE THEMSELVES AS HE POURS SOME WATER ON
TO HIS BARE CHEST. HE EVENTUALLY DANCES OVER TO THE LADIES' TABLE. HE PUTS HIS LEG OVER
SHIELA'S HEAD AND RUBS FANNY'S FACE IN HIS CHEST. HE JUMPS BACK ON STAGE, BUT CLOSE TO MARCY
AND STARTS TO BUMP AND GRIND IN HER FACE. MARCY IS TRANSFIXED ON HIM AND SLOWLY SARTS TO MOVE
HER HEAD WITH THE RHYTHM)
PEGGY (HANDS BILL TO MARCY, SCREAMING) Ohh Marcy, tip him! Go on, go on, tip him. Tip h-
MARCY I'm not putting money down a man's pants.
(HE CONTINUES TO BUMP IN HER FACE. HER HEAD FOLLOWS HIS PELVIC MOVEMENTS)
MARCY It's dirty, it's immoral, it's degrading...
(MARCY IS NOW A WOMAN POSSED. SHE GRABS DOLLARS OUT OF THE OTHER GIRLS' HANDS)
MARCY Dollars! Dollars! Give me more dollars!
PEGGY Marcy, calm down.
MARCY (EYES GLAZED) Zorro doesn't come back unless you give him dollars.
(MARCY SEES ONE OF THE WOMEN HOLDING A DOLLAR. SHE SNATCHES IT AND JUMPS UP ON STAGE)
MARCY Hey, Zorro! Bump it back this way, honey.
(HE STARTS TO DANCE OVER)
MARCY Atta boy.
(ZORRO DANCES RIGHT UP TO MARCY AND PICKS HER UP. HE PUTS HER DOWN ON STAGE WITH HIM SLOWLY
AND SHE DANCES WITH HIM. THEY TANGO AND HE DIPS HER)
PEGGY It's always the quiet ones.
(ZORRO KISSES MARCY ON THE FOREHEAD. MARCY STUFFS SOME BILLS DEEP IN ZORRO'S PANTS WITH BOTH
HANDS. HE DANCES AWAY. MARCY, DAZED, DANCES BACK TO THE TABLE. THE OTHER WOMEN EXCHANGE HIGH
FIVES WITH MARCY, AND SHE SITS. SHE THEN NOTICES HER HAND, AND SHRIEKS:)
MARCY My wedding ring! It's gone! (WITH REALIZATION) Peggy, I've lost my wedding ring down
(MARCY FREEZES, AND SO DOES THE SCREEN)
TO BE CONTNUED...
END OF ACT TWO
END OF PART ONE
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
click here for part 2
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