0205 (020)


Regular Cast:
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck
No Guest Cast.
The Bundy kitchen.
Peggy is speaking on the phone.
PEGGY:Now Mom, just because the kids donít write, doesnít mean they donít love you. [pause]
††††††† Oh, they told you they didnít love you? Well, they didnít mean it. You know our kids.
††††††† You know, Iím sure if you sent them some money, theyíd love you. [pause] No, I couldnít
††††††† watch ĒYou be the JudgeĒ today. They put this new street light up in front of the house,
††††††† and I was watching the men work with their shirts off. [pause] Oh, of course I took
††††††† pictures. [pause] Yeah, the new crime light is real nice. Everyone in the neighborhood
††††††† is real happy about it.
Al enters.
AL:†††† I hate those new crime lights. [he hangs up his jacket and walks over to Peggy] They
††††††† make everything look yellow. This neighborhood is ugly enough during the day without
††††††† having to look at it at night.
PEGGY:[on phone] I canít comment on that right now, Mom. Al just alt-way in the or-day.
AL:†††† Pig Latin, Peg? It must be your mother. Tell her I said Ďoinkí.
Al walks over to the kitchen table.
AL:†††† What are these envelopes on the table, Peg? Is this supper?
Al starts sifting through the envelopes.
AL††††† Itís a bill for that crime light! A $50 assessment!! Peg, theyíre charging me fifty
††††††† bucks.
Peggy, who is still on the phone, just shrugs.
AL:†††† Gee, I wish I had someone to pay my bills so I could go... [he shrugs] Oh, gee, look,
††††††† Dear, the new telephone bill came. Letís see. Oh, thereís some big fat bills from
††††††† Milwaukee. You know anybody big and fat from Milwaukee Peg?
PEGGY:[on phone] Hold on, Mom.
AL:†††† Thatís right, your mother. Did she call collect again?
PEGGY:[to Al] No, Al. I called her.
AL:†††† Smart shopping. Tell her I wanna talk to her.
PEGGY:[on phone] Mom, Al has something he wants to say to you.
Peggy hands the phone to Al.
Al immediately hangs up.
AL:†††† Youíre making too many calls, Peg. Now, look at this bill: Milwaukee, Milwaukee,
††††††† Milwaukee. Iíll bet this whole thing comes to [looks at bill] $253!!! [shouting]
††††††† Family meeting.
Buck comes down the stairs.
AL:†††† The whole family.
KELLY:[from upstairs] Iím on the phone, Dad.
Al picks up the phone.
AL:†††† [on phone] I said family meeting.
Al hangs up the phone.
Al walks over to the couch and sits.
Bud and Kelly come down the stairs and stand next to Peggy.
AL:†††† Family...
Al stares at the others.
AL:†††† ...coven. I thought we agreed to cut down our calls.
BUD:††† I only made necessary calls this month, Dad.
KELLY:Me too.
PEGGY:Me too.
AL:†††† [holding up the bill] Well, who made these toll calls at two bucks a pop ten times in a
††††††† row here? Who called 555-STUD?
Kelly and Peggy both look guilty, they start to raise their hands. Kelly notices Peggy raising
her hand and she lowers hers.
KELLY:[with pretend shock] Oh, Mom!!
AL:†††† Who called Dial-a-prayer?
BUD:††† I did, Dad. [he joins Al on the couch] But donít pay. Kellyís still here.
AL:†††† [examining the bill] Letís see what else we have here. Sports hotline, sports hotline,
††††††† sports hotline, those are ok. Wait a second, wait. Vancouver $80. Kelly?
KELLY:Oh, sure, all eyes turn to me. Well, let me ask you this. If I did know somebody in
††††††† Vancouver, donít you think Iíd be living with them and not here?
AL:†††† True enough. Bud?
BUD:††† America first, Dad.
Al stands and walks over to Peggy.
AL:†††† How about it, Peg? Your mother gotten so fat sheís spread across the border?
PEGGY:Al, I did not call Vancouver. And Mom is down to nearly 200.
Peggy walks over to the couch and sits.
AL:†††† So nobody called Vancouver? Okay, itís a mistake. Iím not paying for mistakes. Iíve
††††††† been doing that since the day I got married.
Al walks over to the phone.
AL:†††† All right, Iíll call the phone company. Whatís the phone company number?
PEGGY:Dial information.
AL:†††† See, thatís just what Iím talking about. This is a perfect example of how to save. We
††††††† want a phone number, we use the phone book.
PEGGY:I was gonna burn that for heat, Al.
Al mutters expletives to himself.
Al and Peggyís bedroom.
Al and Peggy are getting ready for bed.
AL:†††† ĎWe find no errorí! Iím on hold for 45 minutes listening to the muzak version of
††††††† ĎMuskrat Loveí and they can find no error. Now that the kids are gone, I ask you one
†††††††  more time. Did you make that call to Vancouver?
Al sits on the end of the bed next to Peggy.
PEGGY:Al, that call was made at nine in the morning. Now you know very well that that is when
††††††† I go back to sleep after youíve gone to work.
AL:†††† Iím sorry. I canít believe theyíre gonna make me pay for this, Peg.
Peggy shrugs, gets up and goes to bed.
AL:†††† Why donít you become a game show host? Contestant comes on, says ĒI want $10,000Ē. You
††††††† shrug, I come out and pay him, the gameís over. Weíll call the show ĎThat Idiot Alí.
Al gets up and goes to bed.
PEGGY:Honey, Iím sure itíll work out one way or another. Now just go to sleep.
AL:†††† Oh, Iím sure it will work out. Iíll pay for a light I didnít want, pay for a phone call
††††††† I didnít make, pay for a house, a dog, kids, cat...
PEGGY:[cuddling in] Well, you know, thereís still some things we can do for free. You know, 
††††††† like dust off Mr Van Winkle and bring him over for a visit.
Al turns to look at Peggy.
PEGGY:Sex, Al.
AL:†††† Great, the one thing I would pay for.
PEGGY:Me too. Good night, Al.
Peggy returns to her side of the bed and switches the light off.
A bright yellow beam from the security light shines across Alís face. Al tosses and turns but
the light shines directly on him.
PEGGY:Honey, would you be still? Iím trying desperately to pretend youíre someone else.
Al keeps tossing and turning, eventually he turns round so his feet are on the pillow.
PEGGY:Settle down, Al, and go to sleep.
Peggy leans over to kiss Al and accidentally kisses his feet.
PEGGY:[realising what she has kissed] Yeuch!!!
AL:†††† Where the hell is that light coming from?
PEGGY:Thatís the new crime light, Al. [looking at Alís feet] Itís shining on an appropriate
††††††† Place: your feet.
AL:†††† Ah, this just gets better and better.
Al gets out of bed and walks over to the window.
AL:†††† [shouting out of the window] $50 to have a light shine in my face! [to Peggy] This is
††††††† Great. Iím a victim, thatís what I am. City charges $50 to shine a light in my face -
††††††† nothing I can do about it. Phone company charges me $80 for a phone call I never made -
††††††† nothing I can do about it. Well, from now on Al Bundy is gonna do something about it.
††††††† [he goes back to bed] Tomorrow Iím gonna get that Vancouver phone call taken off my
††††††† bill, then Iím gonna go down and have the city move that stupid light. From now on, Al
††††††† Bundy is gonna live with a little bitta dignity.
Al lies back in bed with the beam of light across his eyes, he then lifts one of Peggyís bras
over his face as a night mask.
The Bundy kitchen.
Kelly is on the phone.
KELLY:Okay Marilyn, you ready?
Kelly picks up a whistle and gives a very loud blast down the phone.
KELLY:There, that should take care of Bud if he was listening. Now whoís pregnant?
In the living room Peggy is sitting on the couch sorting the washing.
Bud comes down the stairs.
BUD:††† Hi Mom.
PEGGY:Hi honey.
Bud stands behind Peggy.
BUD:††† [loudly] WHAT!
PEGGY:Whatcha been doing?
Bud strains to hear Peggy.
BUD:††† [loudly] WHAT!!
PEGGY:[speaking loudly] Bud, youíve been listening in on Kellyís call, havenít you? You
††††††† remember what I told you about that.
BUD:††† Yeah, you said Ďbe careful, sheís got a whistle nowí.
Bud holds his nose and blows sharply to try to clear his ears.
BUD:††† Thatís better. [he sits next to Peggy] Whereís Dad?
PEGGY:Oh, he went down to the phone company this morning.
BUD:††† Uh oh.
PEGGY:Oh, donít worry about it. Your father does a lot of dumb things, but even he knows you
††††††† canít fight the phone company.
KELLY:[on phone] Hello??
Kelly tries pressing the buttons on the phone.
KELLY:[on phone] Hello???
Kelly hangs up and walks over to Peggy.
KELLY:Mom, the phone just went dead.
Al enters.
AL:†††† Well, youíre looking at a hero.
The Bundy living room.
There are lots of chairs arraigned in rows with Peggy sitting on one of them and all the
others are empty. Kelly is sitting on the stairs and Steve is sitting on the couch. Al is
standing behind Steve.
AL:†††† [addressing the empty chairs] The phone company doesnít care about just one man. But if
††††††† all of us stand together, we can bring these bureaucratic morons to their knees. [to 
††††††† Peggy] Peg, did you tell all the neighbors to come?
PEGGY:I told all our friends.
AL:†††† And...
Peggy looks round at all the empty chairs.
PEGGY:Theyíre here. Al, why donít you just break down and pay the phone bill?
AL:†††† Iím not giving in. Nobody ever died because they didnít have a telephone.
Kelly is sitting on the stairs hugging the phone rocking backwards and forwards dementedly.
AL:†††† Kelly, would you go upstairs? Youíre depressing us.
Kelly walks up the stairs hugging the telephone.
Steve stands and walks over to Al.
STEVE:Al, why donít you just pay for that phone call?
AL:†††† Excuse me. Did I hear the trace of a Vacouvian accent, Steve?
STEVE:I didnít make the call.
AL:†††† Why not, where you out - or should I say Ďootí - at the time?
PEGGY:Gee, Steve. This is a little like living with Columbo. You know, a dirty wrinkled
††††††† man who wonít give up.
AL:†††† [to Peggy] Well, Iím never gonna give up. [to Steve] And by the way, Steve, what was
††††††† Marcyís maiden name? It wouldnít have been ĎKnuckí by any chance?
STEVE:Al, arenít you punishing your family enough by living with them? Why punish them more
††††††† over one lousy $80 phone bill?
AL:†††† One lousy $80 phone bill! Oh, forgive me, oh sheik Achmed Rhoades.
Al walks into the kitchen to join Peggy.
AL:†††† Peg, whereís that spare 80 I used to light my cigars?
Marcy enters.
STEVE:Oh, ho ho. Hi, Marcy. Gee, thanks. First you say, Ďoh Steve, weíd only be insulting the
††††††† buffoon if we missed his stupid meetingí, and then you donít show up.
MARCY:Well, Iím sorry, Steve, but I was on the phone.
AL:†††† You see, thereís an example of Americaís obsession with the telephone.
MARCY:[to Al] I was on the telephone taking messages for your family.
Marcy flicks though some post-it notes reading them off.
MARCY:Peggy, your mother called. Peggy, your mother called. Peggy, your mother called. And
††††††† Peggy, Dial-a-Stud called. They wanted to know if you were ok and to tell you Juan is
††††††† back.
Peggy reacts to the news and is very happy.
Kelly appears at the top of the stairs.
KELLY:Anything for me?
Kelly is devastated and turns away barely holding back tears.
Bud runs in from the patio.
BUD:††† Hi Mom. Hi Dad.
Bud runs over to the phone and holds up a bicycle bell, he rings the bell then holds up the
telephone receiver.
BUD:††† [shouting] Kelly, itís for you.
Kelly rushes excitedly down the stairs.
KELLY:[to the heavens] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you.
Kelly runs over and picks up the phone.
KELLY:[on phone] Hello. [pause] Hello.
Bud laughs evilly. Kelly hangs up the phone and starts to cry.
BUD:††† Gee, I love doing that.
AL:†††† Now, see? Budís handling this the best way. Good boy, Bud. Now, I know that you are all
††††††† upset at me and you donít really understand why Iím doiní this, but I will not roll
††††††† over and die and I will rest easy, because I sleep the sleep of the righteous.
Al and Peggyís bedroom.
Al is lying wide awake in bed with the beam of the security light shining across his eyes.
AL:†††† Peg, Peg. [waking Peggy] I canít sleep. What can I do?
PEGGY:Well, since weíre not using the telephone, we could wrap the cord around your neck and
††††††† slowly tighten it till the sandman comes.
AL:†††† Ah, you women. You canít forget about that maternal instinct can you.
PEGGY:Goodnight, Al.
Peggy turns over and tries to sleep.
Al lies down but the security light is still shining on his face, he turns the bedside light
on then shakes Peggy to wake her.
AL:†††† Peg, remember a long time ago when you wanted this side of the bed? You know, close to
††††††† the window. What was my reason for not giving it to you?
PEGGY:Well, letís see. It was something like, ĎI work, I make the money, I deserve the airí.
AL:†††† You know, itís funny, Peg. It took me fifteen years to figure out that you were right
††††††† all this time. See, I canít sleep knowing youíd rather be here. Slide over, Peg.
Al tries to swap sides of the bed.
PEGGY:No, Al. We need your feet by the window. They keep away the mosquitos.
Steve shouts from outside.
STEVE:[shouting o.s.] Hey Bundy, telephone.
AL:†††† [shouting] Itís 2 oíclock in the morning. What do they want?
STEVE:[shouting o.s.] Itís Peggyís mother.
AL:†††† [to Peggy] Itís for you.
Peggy gets out of bed and runs to the window.
PEGGY:[shouting] Hi Mom. What do you want?
STEVE:[shouting o.s.] Your recipe for raisin bread.
PEGGY:[shouting] Tell her to get a fresh loaf of bread, a box of raisins and a hammer.
The Bundy kitchen.
Peggy and Bud are sitting at the table.
Al walks over.
AL:†††† All right, I just found the answer to all our problems.
Al holds up a change machine, the type of thing used by bus conductors.
AL:†††† Ta-da. Weíre all going to get an allotment of dimes. Then when you have to make a phone
††††††† Call, youíll come to me, and if I feel the call is worthy, Iíll give you some dimes to
††††††† go down to the phone booth at the gas station. See, once again, [indicates Peggy and
††††††† Bud] problem, [points to himself] solution.
Peggy stands and walks away.
BUD:††† Dad, sit down.
Al sits.
BUD:††† I worry to see you slipping away. You know this phone thing, itís... how can I say
††††††† this without hurting you... itís stupid.
AL:†††† I wanna explain something, son.
BUD:††† Is this gonna be long and boring like the Ďwhy did we have Kellyí speech?
AL:†††† No, because I know the answer to this one. You see, the trouble with America today, 
††††††† son, is this. Nobody stands up for anything anymore.
BUD:††† So can we have a phone?
AL:†††† No. No, but itís pretty pathetic. See, we used to have slogans like, ĎDonít tread on
††††††† meí, Ď54-40 or fightí, ĎTipi Canue and somebody tooí. Then all of a sudden people 
††††††† stopped standing up for themselves. Now we have slogans like, ĎHave a nice dayí, ĎMake
††††††† love not warí, hmm, ĎHi, Iím an American. Iím sorryí.
BUD:††† Whatís that got to do with us being the only people in the free world without a
††††††† telephone?
AL:†††† Itís got everything to do with it. See, the point is, if they tried to charge Thomas
††††††† Jefferson with a call he didnít make, the Boston harbor wouldíve been full of phones,
††††††† and all the local women wouldíve been swimming around down there and er... we wouldnít
††††††† have to er... hang them as witches.
BUD:††† So youíre kinda like Thomas Jefferson?
AL:†††† That I am, Bud.
BUD:††† Then why do they call him a great man and they call you butthead?
AL:†††† Well, if thatís the new word for patriot, so be it. Now, Iím going down to the corner
††††††† with the letter to the utility company to get rid of that light.
Al stands and walks over to join Peggy.
AL:†††† Peggy, do you want anything?
PEGGY:Oh, yes. But bigamy is illegal in this state.
AL:†††† All-righty. [Al points to the change machine] Iím gonna fill that baby with dimes, and
††††††† weíre gonna learn you donít need a phone company to have a phone.
Al walks over to the front door.
AL:†††† See you later.
Al leaves.
PEGGY:[to Bud] Say goodbye to daddyís dream.
Peggy lifts a hammer and starts to smash Alís change machine.
Kelly comes down the stair carrying a suitcase.
KELLY:Making raisin bread Mom?
PEGGY:[hitting change machine] Not this time, honey.
KELLY:Well, bye, Mom. If you need me, Iíll be in the streets.
Kelly starts to leave.
PEGGY:Okay, but I donít think Iíll need you.
Kelly puts her suitcase down and moves to the living room.
KELLY:And tell Daddy that I am not moving back in until we get a phone or I get married.
Peggy and Bud move to the living room.
PEGGY:Kelly, honey, there is no reason for anyone to leave home. We are not gonna be without
††††††† a phone for much longer. Iíve taken matters into my own hands. Now, kids, we need $80.
††††††† There must be something around here we can sell?
BUD:††† Kelly, quick. Your liver.
KELLY:For a phone? Iíll do it!
PEGGY:Not yet, Kelly. Since this is your fatherís fault, I think we should start with his
††††††† things.
KELLY:Iíll get his bowling ball.
BUD:††† Iíll get his fishing rods.
PEGGY:Ok, and Iíll get his... well, thatís all heís got.
They all start to walk away.
Al enters.
AL:†††† Hey! Whatís going on here?
Bud runs over to Al.
BUD:††† Dad, the women! They were gonna sell your stuff.
Peggy and Kelly give Bud a look.
BUD:††† He makes the money, Mom.
PEGGY:We want a phone, Al.
AL:†††† I want a life. Good luck to us all.
Al goes to the kitchen.
KELLY:Weíre serious, Dad. You canít beat the phone company.
Al takes a beer out of the fridge.
AL:†††† I see. So much for Bundy unity. Iíll tell you something: this is the first time I
††††††† have ever been ashamed of my family.
PEGGY:Youíll get used to it. We did.
Al moves to the couch and sits.
AL:†††† Well, get used to this: weíre not getting a phone until the phone company calls and
††††††† apologizes to me.
Bud sits next to Al.
BUD:††† Dad, is there anything we can say to make you change your mind? You know, like, Ďwe
††††††† love youí. Or would you see right through that?
AL:†††† I would. Look. Do you know what the worst thing is for a fellow to grow up and hear
††††††† somebody call him?
BUD:††† A shoe salesman.
AL:†††† Worse. A quitter. See, if I quit right now it would be like... I donít know...
††††††† quitting.
KELLY:So, Daddy, if we stop trying to make you put the phone back in, wouldnít that make us
††††††† Ďquittersí?
Peggy smiles and hugs Kelly.
AL:†††† Go to your room.
Kelly walks towards the stairs.
The door bell rings and Al gets up to answer it.
AL:†††† First thought sheís ever had and it has to be against me.
Al opens the door to Steve.
AL:†††† Oh, Steve. We have a family thing going on here. What do you want?
STEVE:Iím delivering another phone message for you.
AL:†††† Ah well, come on in.
Steve enters.
STEVE:I also have a message of my own, Al. This is the last message the Rhoades are going to
††††††† be taking for the Bundys.
AL:†††† Fine. Thatís the last thing weíll ever do for you, too.
STEVE:You donít do anything for us now, Al.
AL:†††† So youíve already gotten a taste of our medicine. Whatís the message?
Kelly comes down stairs holding her hands together in prayer.
KELLY:Please, God. let it be for me.
STEVE:[to Kelly] Itís for Peggy.
KELLY:[hysterically] YOU LIE!!! ITíS FOR ME!!!
Peggy comes over and comforts Kelly.
PEGGY: [to Steve] Sheís been under a lot of stress lately.
Kelly looks at her arms.
KELLY:Oh my God. Who put these bugs on my arms?
Kelly starts to scrub imaginary bugs off her arms.
Peggy walks over to Steve.
PEGGY:Who is it, Steve?
STEVE:Itís your mother. She said to tell you sheís worried about you. She doesnít like not
††††††† being able to talk to you every day, so sheís coming to stay until you get your phone
††††††† put back in.
Al looks shocked.
AL:†††† How much time do we have?
STEVE:[smiling] She was packing her bags.
AL:†††† Great, great. We can still stop her. See she can never get through her front door on
††††††† the first try.
Steve walks over to the door.
AL:†††† [to Peggy] Peg, quick. Call her. Use Steveís phone.
STEVE:Oh ho ho, sure, use Steveís phone, wake Steve up, let Steve take the message. Well, the
††††††† Steve stops here, and my phone is off limits. Give Mom a hug from me.
Steve laughs and leaves.
AL:†††† Oh, God. What have I done?
PEGGY:Get out the sits bath, kids. Grandmaís coming.
AL:†††† Look, Peg. Go down to the phone booth. Catch the woman before she gets to the bottom of
††††††† the driveway, Ďcos once sheís in motion, you canít stop her.
PEGGY:[smiling] Okay, Al, but only on one condition: that you pay that phone bill.
AL:†††† Done. You win.
Al hands Peggy the money.
AL:†††† But hurry. [Al shakes] Was that a tremor? Oh, God, she must be changing bras. Hurry...
††††††† Hurry.
Al leads Peggy to the door and pushes her out.
Al and Peggyís bedroom.
Peggy is sitting up in bed talking on the phone. Next to her, under the covers, is a massive
lump in the bed. [the lump is Peggyís Mom but we donít see her]
PEGGY:[on phone] Yeah, Dad, Mom got here safe and sound.
Peggy turns to the massive lump in the bed.
PEGGY:Mom, do you wanna say Ďhií to dad?
Peggyís mom snores very loudly.
PEGGY:[on phone] She says she loves you. Yeah, I talked her into staying an extra week.
††††††† [pause] Al? Well, he was a little upset that we couldnít stop her before sheíd left,
††††††† but he did win one victory. He got them to move that street light, so Iím sure heís
††††††† happy about that.
The Bundy living room.
Al is using the couch for a bed. We see Alís feet sticking out from under the covers and as
the camera pans across we see Al. He is wide awake and has the beam from the security light
shining directly across his eyes.

Transcribed By Ephraim McBundy


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