IF I WERE A RICH MAN
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck
No Guest Cast.
Al comes in.
AL [shouting] Peg! Kids! Time to torture me, I'm home!
He hangs his jacket and walks to the kitchen.
AL Let's hear that pitter-patter of little feet, the thrusting of greedy little hands.
He notices a note taped to the refrigerator.
AL What's this? [reading:] "Dear Al, the kids are spending the night someplace and I'm
going out for a few hours, Peggy. PS: dinner's on the table".
Al sits at the kitchen table, where Peg has left a cup of orange juice and a tin can.
He picks up the tin can.
AL Yeah, nothing says lovin' like something from the oven.
He gets up, takes a bottle of beer out of the refrigerator and heads towards the couch.
AL [singing] I'm a B-B-B-Bud man and a C-C-C-Cub fan.
He sits on the couch and sighs contentedly.
AL Got the whole house to myself. It's like I died and went to -
At that moment Peg comes in.
PEGGY Hi Al!
AL - hell.
PEGGY How was your day, honey?
AL Up till now - great. Today will go down in history as the day that nothing went
Peg chuckles and sits on the couch next to Al.
AL First, I cut all the green lights to and from work. Then I heard three good songs
in a row on the Oldies station. But best of all: some fat woman came in the store
and yelled at me. Then she went out and fell right on her ass. And tonight the
Cubs, and you... you're going out.
PEGGY No I'm not. We were going to have a tupperware party over at Mrs. Zimmerman's
house, but the store was out of X-rated tapes, so I came home. You know Al, since
the kids are both gone, I was thinking maybe we could 'fool around'.
AL Oh Peg, if we do that now, your birthday just won't be special.
PEGGY Come on, honey.
AL Uhh... I gotta say 'no'. But here's an idea: get me some chips!
PEGGY Gotta say 'no'. But how about this: sex for potato chips?
AL Uhh... I gotta say 'no'. [takes a bill out of his pocket] I'll give you five bucks.
PEGGY Well, what the hell. [takes the bill from Al's hand] This will last longer than
She pockets the money.
AL Where's the chips?
PEGGY Probably at the store.
AL Eh, what the heck. It's still a good day: I got my game, got my beer, got my gal...
well, at least the kids are gone.
Bud comes in.
BUD Hi Dad, hi Mom.
AL I thought you were staying out someplace.
BUD Well, I was, but Robbie's mom came home in a bad mood. She said something about
"no movies, no tupperware". Scootch over.
Al and Peg move to the right to make room for Bud who sits down next to Al.
BUD How was work?
AL Ah, who cares. How's school?
BUD Who cares?
AL Good boy. Now shut up Bud, the game's gonna come on.
Kelly comes in.
KELLY Hi Mom, hi Dad.
AL I thought you were spending the night out.
KELLY I did. Scootch over.
Al, Peg and Bud move to the right to make room for Kelly who sits next to Bud.
KELLY Oh, guess what? You know Billy's dad? You know, the one who goes through his own
garbage? He just won a Porsche for being the 15th caller on the radio. Isn't that
BUD That is the third Porsche on the block. I can't believe our neighborhood!
Porsche, Porsche, Dodge, Porsche...
AL Yeah, and we also have wage-earners, wage-earners, leeches and wage-earners.
PEGGY Kids, I think it's time to thank your father for bringing home minimum-wage.
BUD [with contempt] Thanks, Dad!
KELLY [with contempt] Thanks, Dad!
AL Yep, I had a life once. Any more good news?
BUD Yeah. We learned in school today that by the time you retire, social security won't
be there any more.
KELLY [worried] You're not gonna come live with us, are you, Dad?
AL Did I tell you kids that I love you today?
BUD No, Dad.
AL Well, think about that on your way upstairs.
Bud and Kelly get up and go upstairs. The doorbell rings.
PEGGY Gee, I wonder who that could be.
AL No, that's Steve and Marcy.
Peg gets up and goes to open the door.
AL No, don't answer it! Peg!
He buries his head in one of the couch's cushions with despair.
Peg opens the door.
PEGGY Oh look, it's Steve and Marcy.
STEVE Hi! Hey Al, ask me what happened today.
Al lifts his head and gives Steve a miserable look.
STEVE Peg, ask me how I'm doing.
PEGGY How are you doing?
STEVE You are looking at the new manager of the Leading Bank of Chicago.
MARCY Steve got promoted.
PEGGY Well, congratulations! Did you hear that, Al? Steve got promoted.
AL Yeah, that's great. What grade's he in?
STEVE Oh Al. [to Peg] You know, when Marcy got that spot at Kyoto National, her job at
our bank opened up.
MARCY Steve's going to be making a lot more money now.
STEVE Guess what I got under my arm?
AL Nair burn?
STEVE A LOT more money, Al. Anyhow, I brought some brochures - we're going to get a new
car! You know, one that makes a statement. That says: [sits next to Al] "why is he
living in this neighborhood?"
MARCY [to Peg] I'm so proud of my man.
PEGGY Come and tell me what it's like, Marce.
She leads Marcy towards the kitchen. On the way Marcy kisses Steve.
STEVE Anyhow, Al, you know about cars. I've narrowed it down to [handing Al brochures]:
the Volvo, the baby Benz, and the BMW 3 series. Which would you get if you had any
money at all?
AL Well, the BMW is a driver's car, but if you should happen to drive into a wall,
the Benz has airbags, so, uh... I'd go with the BMW.
He gives the brochures back to Steve.
STEVE What's the matter, Al? Bad day?
AL Nope, 'cause I'm gonna watch the Cubs.
He turns the TV on.
AL Yep, I'm watching them... [angrily:] pull the tarp over the field!
TV And the game is called due to rain. Stay tuned for something boring.
Al turns the TV off angrily.
Meanwhile in the kitchen...
MARCY Well, it's kind of hard to describe... You know, it's the kind of feeling of being
happy to be married to him, admiring him, looking forward to him coming home...
PEGGY Hmph. Marce, look at Al. Would you look forward to him coming home?
They look at Al, who picks his ear. Marcy makes a disgusted face.
MARCY I'm sorry, Peggy.
She gets up and walks over to the couch where Al and Steve are talking.
STEVE Anyhow, Al, I can't decide about the colors. See, I'm leaning towards black,
that'll attract the women -
He notices that Marcy is standing beside him. She sits next to him.
STEVE Uh, let them see what they can't have.
Steve and Marcy kiss. Al grimaces.
STEVE Let's go, Marce.
Steve and Marcy get up.
STEVE Ooh, Al, by the way: Marcy has to go away this weekend. Her mother's thinking of
re-marrying and she's driving up to run a quick credit check. Can you give me a
lift home from work tomorrow?
AL Why don't you ask a friend?
STEVE I don't want to put any of them out. Let's go, Marce. Let's go buy something.
MARCY Ooh, I just love it when you talk spending to me.
Steve and Marcy leave.
AL I can't believe it. Everybody in the world is making money.
PEGGY Oh, honey, that's not true.
She sits beside him
PEGGY You're not.
AL [with sarcasm] You're my rock, Peg.
PEGGY And you are my albatross, Al. Look honey, you're still a young man, and there's
plenty of chances to make it big.
She rolls her eyes and makes a face.
AL How sweet of you, Peg. A fellow couldn't ask for a better wife.
He rolls his eyes and makes a face. They smile to each other.
At Steve's bank.
Steve walks over to his desk, holding some papers. The bank is empty, except for the
guard who is snoring loudly by the door.
Al walks over to the door and pounds on it. Steve gets up to unlock the door.
STEVE [to the sleeping guard] It's okay, Wyatt. I'll get it.
He unlocks the door and Al comes in.
STEVE Hi, Al. Be right with you.
AL Gee, I've never been at a bank that was closed before.
STEVE Yep, this is where it all happens.
He puts his hand on Al's shoulder.
STEVE You know, this is my favorite time, and my favorite place. Yeah, some people like
Hawaii at sunset. Me, give me a bank after hours. It's the cathedral of capitalism.
Can you hear it, Al? It's the sound of interest accruing. [he snaps out of his
dreamy state] I'll be with you in a second, just a few last minute managerial
duties. Tomorrow's a really busy day so I have to put out all these "next window,
please" signs, 'cause we're only gonna have two tellers working.
Steve puts the signs in two of the windows.
STEVE And I've got one more car loan to approve...
AL Come on, hurry up, Steve!
STEVE It won't take long - it's mine.
He stamps a document and signs it.
STEVE Yes! Okay Al, I'm ready. [notices that Al isn't around] Al?
AL [offstage] I'm in the vault!
Steve: Oh. [then, as realization dawns on him:] The vault!
He rushes to the vault.
Inside the vault...
STEVE Al, are you crazy? This is a federal offense!
AL I was just looking.
He turns around and we see there are packets of bills stuck in his belt.
AL Okay, I'm ready to go.
Steve takes all the packets of bills from Al.
STEVE Al, you can't touch this. This is money. Only the bank president and his squeeze
are allowed to play with the money.
Steve puts the packets back in their place. Al puts his hand on Steve's shoulder.
AL Steve, smell this.
He holds a packet of bills up to Steve's nose.
AL Tell me we don't have the same rights as the bank president and his squeeze.
The frame flips and we see Al and Steve playing poker in the vault. There are several
packets of bills on the table.
AL I'll see your fifty thousand, and I'll raise you this gold bar.
He picks up a gold bar from behind him with some effort and puts it on the table.
STEVE I -
He reaches for a gold bar but can't lift it.
STEVE - call.
AL [revealing his cards] Read 'em and weep. Jack-high. Ha ha ha.
He starts gathering all the bills towards him but Steve stops him.
STEVE Uh-uh-uh, Al. [shows Al his cards] Deuces, Al. Two of them.
Al laughs and Steve chuckles and gathers all the money.
AL [sticking a card to his forhead] Hey Steve, Indian Poker for this guy's mortgage.
[holds up a mortgage]
STEVE I don't feel like it, Al. Is it unnatural for me to be horny?
AL Not at all, Steve. Money is love.
He moves two packets of bills.
AL This is a car.
He adds two more packets.
AL This is a house. And all of this [gesturing towards the table] is a blonde.
STEVE [holding some bonds] Look at these bonds, Al. This little piece of paper is worth
one hundred thousand dollars.
AL Steve, I'm gonna just throw something at you. What say I pull the car 'round back,
we load it up and head for Canada?
STEVE Where the dollar means something.
AL Call the girls in about ten years.
STEVE I don't exactly know.
AL Come on, Steve. They sell Mercedes in Canada. Big ones. And they come with hookers
dressed like college girls. Come on, Steve. Get some bags. I'll toss out Peg's dry
cleaning and we'll make room in the trunk.
STEVE It's not like we're never going to see the girls again, right?
He gives Steve the keys.
STEVE [shouting excitedly] Okay, I'll get the car! [gets up] If Wyatt wakes up - kill
He starts to leave and halts.
STEVE Wait a second. Al, this is insane. It's wrong. It - it's illegal. [to himself] Ooh,
that's it. It's illegal. [to Al] Ah, come on, buddy.
He tosses the keys back to Al.
STEVE We've had our fun. Let's go home.
Al gets up.
AL All right, you're right, you're right. Yeah, it's all coming back to me now:
ungrateful redhead, rotten kids. Yeah. Yeah, I'm back now. But what a beautiful
memory. I wish I had a picture of it, so I could show my grandchildren I had all
this money but their grandmother spent it all.
STEVE I know. But we've got our memories. Let's go, buddy.
They get their jackets, take a deep breath and sigh.
The four Bundys are seated at the kitchen table.
PEGGY Well, I think we should be very proud of your daddy. He just cost us the only
chance we'll ever have for happiness.
KELLY Well, I'll tell you this much: the man I marry would have taken that money.
BUD Hey, leave Dad alone. [with resentment] Don't you think he knows he made the
biggest mistake of all our lives?
AL As I said to Steve, it's illegal and wrong and I'll have no part of it.
Al gets up. Peg also gets up, and walks over to him.
PEGGY Al, tell me something, honey. When you were in there with all that money, what did
you think about?
AL Well Peg, I thought if I did take it, you and me and the kids would drive up to
Canada and live the life we deserve.
PEGGY Ohhh, honey.
AL I know, I know.
Peg kisses him on the cheek. Steve walks in.
STEVE All right Al, there's a million dollars missing. Where is it?
PEGGY Oh, Al!!!
She wraps her arms around him. Kelly and Bud get up excitedly and hug Al.
- Previous scene continued -
KELLY [hugging Al] I can have everything I want! I love my daddy.
PEGGY We all do, dear.
Kelly sits down and starts making a list.
STEVE Al, you are scum.
BUD But he can buy and sell you, buddy.
AL Steve, listen. You know I didn't take it. How could I carry out a million dollars?
STEVE Security bonds. Ten stinking pieces of paper. You could have put them anywhere
while I was out of the vault.
BUD Security bonds! Brilliant, Dad.
He goes to the phone.
PEGGY Those are good in Canada, aren't they, Al?
KELLY [writing in her notepad] ...a Kashmir sweater, a CD player... David Lee Roth
chained to my bed...
STEVE Listen Al, Monday when they check the duty roster, one word is going to come down
from above: "Rhoades". And I will have one word for them: "Bundy".
AL Listen Steve, I didn't take it!
STEVE Al! We're talking 20 to 50 with chainsaw killers! And don't think I'm serving time
alone, bunky. If I'm going to be playing in the showers with maniacs, you're gonna
be passing the soap!
AL I did not take it!
BUD [talking on the phone] Hello. Debbie? Remember when you said you wouldn't go out
with me for all the money in the world? Let's test that theory, shall we?
STEVE I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm going to go home, drink moderately and pass
out. And when I come to, you're going to give the money back. Because I believe
deep down that you are an honest man.
He starts to leave.
STEVE So there I go, walking through the door, to leave you alone with your conscience.
Peggy, I'm depending on you to make him do the right thing.
PEGGY Steve, if Al said he didn't take it, he didn't take it.
Steve closes the door. Peg hugs Al again.
PEGGY God, I love you! Oh, sure, my husband shows me no affection, and has a go-nowhere
job, but Daddy is really taking care of his family now, kids!
BUD All right, Dad!
AL Peg, listen to me for once in your life. I don't have the money!
PEGGY Now don't think you'll hold it out on me, Al. Uh-uh. I've made your breakfasts,
I've had your children, I've even gone to the bathroom after you. I've paid my
dues, Al. I've earned that money just as if I'd taken it myself. Half of it's mine.
Unless you go to prison, and then it's all mine. [cooing] So where is it, snookie?
AL Don't know.
PEGGY [sarcastically] Okay, Al. I believe you.
Al is sitting at the kitchen table reading a newspaper.
Peg, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch scowling at him.
AL I know what you're thinking: "how can I serve my daddy?". You can fix me breakfast...
KELLY What's in it for us?
PEGGY Right. Why should I make breakfast for a man who won't even cut us in?
AL Well, okay, Peg. But I'll tell you this: if a guy did have a million dollars, he
sure wouldn't share it with someone who wouldn't fix his breakfast.
The frame flips and we see Al sitting at the kitchen table with several plates of food in
front of him while Bud, Kelly and Peg are busy working on his breakfast: Bud is making
toasts and Kelly is squeezing juice. Peg puts another plate in front of Al. Bud walks over
to Al and shows him two pieces of toasted bread.
AL It's not golden brown enough.
BUD I knew it, I knew it! I'm sorry!
KELLY The harm is done, Bud. Daddy's upset.
PEGGY Don't badger your father, kids.
She takes the cup of squeezed juice from Kelly's hand and offers it to Al.
PEGGY Juice, Al?
AL Why not?
PEGGY I squeezed it myself.
Kelly looks annoyed.
PEGGY Tell us again about Rio, honey.
Everyone gathers around him.
AL We'll all be there laying in the sun - [he tosses the juice in his mouth
disapprovingly] Mmm, pulp.
He gives the cup back to Peg who gives it to Kelly.
AL The palm trees will be swaying in the breeze, and the cabana boys...
Peg exhales deeply.
AL They live to serve you.
PEGGY Kelly, move it with Daddy's juice.
Al is lying face down on the couch. Peg is sitting on his back massaging his shoulders.
AL ...and the surfer boys, in their tiny little bathing suits, will be riding the
PEGGY Tell me again about their bodies, Al.
AL They're tight, Peg. Young, tight and tan. Still glistening from the surf.
Peg moans and begins to make chopping motions with her hands on Al's back.
Peg is making pancakes in the kitchen. Al, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the kitchen table.
Peg puts another plate in front of Al.
PEGGY Would you like another rub-down with your breakfast, Al?
AL Peg, I'm raw, I'm full and I can't go on. Leave me alone. I don't have the money!
BUD Yeah right, and I don't have a date with Debbie.
KELLY 18-year-old Debbie??
BUD Money talks, Kel.
The doorbell rings.
PEGGY I'll get that, dear.
She gets up and goes to open the door.
PEGGY [singing on her way] Rio De Janiero, where the boys swing their derriero.
She blows Al a kiss and opens the door. Steve is standing outside, looking weary and
STEVE Well, it's Monday. Right about now they should discover there's a million dollars
PEGGY [excitedly] Oooh.
Steve comes in and Peg closes the door.
STEVE They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday?
Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades! No wonder he called in sick today.
Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course,
I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you.
And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.
PEGGY Don't let him scare you, Al. You could do twenty years standing on your head.
KELLY Yeah Dad, and we'll be waiting right here for you when you get out.
Peg, Bud and Kelly burst out laughing.
STEVE Look Al, I can see why you wouldn't mind prison, but I like my home life. Nice
"welcome home" present for Marcy. What's she gonna say when I don't show up for
dinner for the next twenty years to life?
The doorbell rings. Al goes to open the door.
STEVE There's the long arm of the law.
AL No, it's the frog legs of your wife.
He opens the door.
MARCY Hi Steve. I missed you so much.
She hugs Steve and kisses him.
STEVE [to Al, covering Marcy's ear] She's wearing red. That's how they got Dillinger.
MARCY Are you feeling okay, Steve? I went by your bank when I got back to town and they
said you were sick.
STEVE Uh, did they happened to mention anything else about me?
MARCY Well, no, Steve. But you're gonna love this: your bank lost a million dollars!
She laughs hysterically.
MARCY Oh, I get another job and things just fall apart. I mean, how do you lose a million
dollars? They were in a panic. The computer made a transfer of funds to Munich, but
the Telex confirmation -
STEVE Had the twelve hour international delay! Of course!
MARCY Well, I'm sure you would have caught it if you hadn't been out sick.
STEVE I'm better now.
AL Isn't that something? I'll bet a couple of idiots down at the bank thought somebody
MARCY We are banking professionals, Al. Come on, Steve, let's go home.
STEVE Just a minute, Marcy. Uh, Al...
AL Yes, Steve?
STEVE Keep your kids away from my Mercedes.
The Rhoades start to leave.
MARCY The funniest thing is, with that Telex delay, somebody could have really taken that
million dollars and been well into Canada by the time they caught it.
Marcy and Steve leave. Peg, Kelly and Bud look at Al accusingly. Al sits on the couch.
PEGGY We don't have a million dollars, Al?
AL Peg, I've been trying to tell you that for two days.
PEGGY You know I never listen to you. Well, we're broke again, kids. Thank your father.
BUD [indignantly] Thanks, Dad!
KELLY [indignantly] Thanks, Dad!
AL Ah, what the hell. We're rich in other ways! We've still got each other. [gets up]
Well, I'm going to work, and I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll stop off after work
and get us some Sugar Pops. See? We're not too broke to eat...
PEGGY Well... [chuckles] Life isn't so bad, is it, kids?
She chuckles again, then bows her head.
We see the dark and empty Bundy living room.
The radio is on and we hear a news flash.
RADIO And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing
woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears
Tower. It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history.
The woman was quoted as sobbing: "Shoes! He sells shoes!"
Al comes in.
AL I'm home!
DIRECTED BY: LINDA DAY
CREATED BY: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KATHERINE GREEN
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: RICHARD GURMAN
STORY EDITOR: ELLEN L. FOGLE
STORY EDITOR: RALPH R. FARQUAR
CASTING: TAMMARA BILLIK
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: STEPHEN KOLZAK
"LOVE & MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: DON GREAT
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: GERRY COHEN
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
UNIT MANAGER: BOB PIATAK
TECHNICAL MANAGER: HORACE SCOTT
PRODUCTION SERVICES COORDINATOR: TONY NEELY
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: JIM RALSTON
AUDIO: ART MORGENSTEIN
VIDEOTAPE EDITORS: LARRY HARRIS, LELAND GRAY
RE-RECORDING: BLAINE STEWART, CRAIG PORTER
COSTUES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE MCQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY FRAN MCCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANT: DEBORAH CURTAN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTRE IN HOLLYWOOD
COPYRIGHT (C) 1987
All Rights Reserved
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: KEN STUMP
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of Article 15(2)
of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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home on the range