FIRST DRAFT SCRIPT: (August 28, 1987)
IF I WERE A RICH MAN
Michael G. Moye
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THURSDAY EVENING
(THE ROOM IS EMPTY. AL ENTERS THROUGH FRONT DOOR AND FLINGS HIS COAT ON THE HOOK)
AL Peg! Kids! Time to torture me, I'm home. Let's hear the pitter patter of little feet, the
thrusting of greedy little hands.
(NO ANSWER. HE CROSSES TO KITCHEN AND SEES A NOTE ON REFRIGERATOR AND READS)
AL "Dear Al. The kids are spending the night someplace. I'm going out for a few hours.
Peggy. P.S. Dinner's on the table."
(AL SEES A GLASS OF TANG ON THE TABLE, PUTS THE GLASS IN THE REFRIGERATOR AND TAKES A BEER)
AL I'm a Buh Buh Buh Bud man, and a Ca - Ca - Ca - Cub fan.
(HE CROSSES TO SOFA, SITS AND PICKS UP REMOTE CONTROL. HE LEANS BACK)
AL Ahh. Got the house to myself. It's like I died and went to...
PEGGY Hi, Al.
PEGGY How was your day?
AL The best. Today will go down as the day nothing went wrong.
(PEG SITS NEXT TO HIM)
AL I caught all the green lights to and from work.
(PEGGY IS IMPRESSED)
AL Then I heard three good songs on the oldie station before "Sukiyaki" came on. But even
that didn't bother me 'cause I was going through an underpass. Then I got a great parking
space at work. But best of all, this fat woman came in the store, and yelled at me. Then
she went out and fell right on her ass.
(LEANS BACK AND SIGHS)
AL The way I figure it, instead of having good stuff happen to me in little bits through the
year, it was all packed into one day. And tonight... the Cubs, and you're going out.
PEGGY No I'm not. We were going to have a tupperware party at Mrs. Zimmerman's, but the store
was out of X-rated tapes so I came home.
AL Well, I'll chip in for gas if you want to try some stores in Milwalkee.
PEGGY Well, you know, since the kids are both gone, I thought maybe we could fool around.
AL Peg, if we do that now, your birthday just won't be special.
PEGGY Aww, come on, Al.
AL I gotta say "no." But here's an idea -- get me some chips.
PEGGY I gotta say "no." How 'bout this. Sex for potato chips.
AL No sex. I'll give you five bucks.
PEGGY What the hell. The five'll last longer than the sex, anyhow.
(HE HOLDS UP A BILL. PEGGY TAKES IT AND GETS HIM SOME CHIPS)
AL Listen, I'm going to sit here and watch the game. As long as you're home you're welcome
to watch it with me. But do it on the TV upstairs.
(PEGGY GIVES HIM THE CHIPS)
PEGGY Skooch over, Al.
(AL MAKES ROOM, SHE SITS)
AL Oh, why not? Nothing can ruin this day. I even paid all our bills and we're not a penny
in the red.
(PEGGY GETS SOME BILLS FROM THE CRACK IN THE COUCH)
PEGGY That's great, Al. Here's my shopping bills from the last two months.
AL Why now?
PEGGY I wanted to wait until you were in a good mood.
(SHE PATS HIS THIGH, AFFECTIONATELY)
AL (READS BILL AND GRIMACES. BEAT) Ah, well. So what. I got my beer. I got my game. I got my
gal... (HE LOOKS AT PEGGY) Oh, well, at least the kids are gone.
AL I thought you were spending the night somewhere.
BUD I was, but Robby's mom came home in a bad mood. She said something about no movies, no
tupperware. Then she dragged her husband upstairs. He was weeping, Mom.
(HE CROSSES TO THE REFRIGERATOR. HE LOOKS INSIDE)
BUD We got anything to eat?
PEGGY There are some tang pops in the freezer.
BUD Gee, the pops that went to the moon? No, thanks. Skooch over. What's on TV?
(BUD SITS ON SOFA. A BEAT, THEN KELLY ENTERS)
KELLY Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
AL I thought you were spending the night out.
KELLY I did. Skooch over.
(SHE SITS ON THE COUCH)
KELLY Guess what. You know Billy's dad? The one you call the "No-good bum"? He just won a
Porsche for being the fifteenth caller on the radio. Isn't that great?
BUD Hey, that's the third Porsche on the block. I can't believe our neighborhood. Porsche,
Porsche. (INDICATES AL) Dodge, Porsche.
AL Yeah. Well, we also have wage earners, wage earners, (INDICATES FAMILY) leeches, wage
PEGGY (CONDESCENDING) Kids, I think it's time to thank your daddy for bringing home minimum
KELLY Thanks, Dad.
BUD Thanks, Dad.
AL Yep. I had a life, once. Anymore good news?
BUD Well, we learned in school today that by the time you retire, social security won't be
KELLY You're not gonna come live with us, are you, Dad?
AL Have I told you today I love you.
BUD No, Dad.
AL (FATHERLY) Think about that while you go upstairs.
(BUD AND KELLY GO UPSTAIRS)
AL Don't answer that, Peg.
PEGGY Gee, you're in a terrible mood for someone who's having a great day.
(PEGGY CROSSES TO THE DOOR. PEGGY OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY AND STEVE, WHO CARRY BROCHURES)
STEVE Hi! Hey, Al. Ask me what happened today. Go on, ask me how I'm doing.
STEVE Peg, ask me how I'm doing.
PEGGY How're you doing?
STEVE You're looking at the new manager of the leading bank of Chicago.
MARCY Steve got promoted!
PEGGY Congratulations! Al, did you hear that? Steve got promoted.
AL Great. What grade you in?
STEVE Oh, Al. (TO PEGGY) Y'know, when Marcy landed that spot at Kyoto National, her job at our
bank opened up.
MARCY Steve's going to be making a lot more money, now.
STEVE (PROUDLY) Guess what's under my arm?
AL Nair burn?
STEVE (BEAT, THEN POINTEDLY) A lot more money, Al. Anyhow, I brought some brochures. I'm
going to buy a new car. You know, it's funny, Al. If I'd known I was going to be making
this much money I never would have moved into this neighborhood.
(AL SLUGS BACK HIS BEER)
AL (MUTTERS) I heard three good songs on the radio today. In a row.
STEVE The oldies station? Did you hear "Sukiyaki"? God, I love that song.
MARCY I'm so proud of my man.
PEGGY (LEADING HER TO THE KITCHEN) Come and tell me what it's like, Marce.
STEVE (SHOWING BROCHURES) Al, you know about cars. I've narrowed it down to the Volvo, the Baby
Benz or the BMW three series. Which would you get if you had any money at all?
AL Well, the BMW is a driver's car. But if you should happen to drive into a wall, the Benz
has air bags. So I'd go for the BMW.
STEVE What's the matter, Al. Bad day?
AL Nope, 'cause I'm watching the Cubs game.
(AL TURNS ON TV)
SFX: TV ON
AL Yep, I'm watching them pull the tarp over the field.
TV ANN (O.S.) And the game is called due to rain. Stay tuned for "Gilligan's Island."
STEVE Hey. I hope it's the one where Gilligan finds the treasure chest.
(AL REACTS AND TURNS OFF TV)
SFX: TV OFF
ANGLE ON: MARCY AND PEGGY SIPPING COFFEE
MARCY Well, it's kind of hard to describe. Y'know, it's the feeling of being happy to be
married to him. Admiring him. Looking forward to him coming home.
PEGGY (FASCINATED) Huh.
(MARCY LOOKS OVER AT AL)
MARCY Oh, come on, Peggy. There must be something that Al does that makes you proud.
PEGGY Well, you're right. (FONDLY) I remember, when Al was young, we'd go for rides in the
country, you're not gonna believe this, but he could spit out the window without getting
any on the car.
MARCY (DISGUSTED) Then, you understand what I'm talking about.
STEVE I can't decide what color to get. I'm leaning towards black. That'll attract the chicks.
(PEGGY AND MARCY CROSS TO THE COUCH. STEVE NOTICES MARCY)
STEVE Let 'em see what they can't have.
(STEVE AND MARCY KISS. AL SHUDDERS)
STEVE Listen, Al. Marcy's going out of town this weekend. Her mother's thinking of remarrying,
and Marcy's driving up to run a quick credit check. Could you give me a lift home from
AL You don't want to get in my car. It's American. It's paid for. And it's five bucks a
STEVE (TO MARCY) Gee, do they make bills that small? (A LITTLE LAUGH, THEN TO AL) Five bucks?
Well, you got it buddy. Here you go. (GIVES HIM MONEY) Catch a movie. Come on, Marce,
let's go buy something.
(MARCY LOOKS AT HIM ADORINGLY) I love it when you talk spending to me.
AL What am I gonna do with five dollars?
PEGGY Want another beer?
AL Nope. I'm saving for a pretzel. I can't believe this. It's like everyone in the world is
PEGGY Aw, honey, that's not true. You're not.
AL You're my rock, Peg.
PEGGY And you're my albatross, honey. Look, Al. You're still a young man. (SHE ROLLS HER EYES
WITH THE LIE) There will be plenty of chances for you to make it big.
(SHE LOOKS AT HIM, AND ROLLS HER EYES AGAIN)
AL That's sweet of you, Peg. A fella couldn't ask for a better wife. (AL ROLLS HIS EYES) The
truth is, I feel like I've let you down somehow.
PEGGY Well, you have, Al. But you do the best you can.
AL It's just that when I was young, I told myself that by the time I was in my thirties I'd
be a rich man, with a beautiful woman by my side. (HE LOOKS AT HER, THEN) I guess I have
to face it. Neither of those things are ever gonna happen.
AL Y'know, I didn't just want the money for myself. Wouldn't it be great to be rich? We
could do what we want, go where we want...
PEGGY And the kids?
AL It's a dream, Peg. We don't have kids.
(SHE SNUGGLES HIM A BEAT)
PEGGY Don't feel bad, Al, we can afford what we need. And you know what I'm going to do? Get
you a pretzel for five dollars.
(SHE TAKES THE FIVE AND HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN)
INT. LEADING BANK OF CHICAGO - FRIDAY EVENING
(MOST OF THE LIGHTS ARE OFF. THE PLACE IS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR STEVE, WHO SHUFFLES PAPERS AND A GUARD
WHO SLEEPS IN A CHAIR. AL APPEARS AT THE DOOR AND KNOCKS)
STEVE (TO GUARD) It's okay, Wyatt. I've got it.
(STEVE LETS AL IN AND RE-LOCKS THE DOOR)
STEVE Hi, Al. I'll be right with you. (SHOWS AL BROCHURE) Look, the new Cadillac. But don't
think of it as a Cadillac, think of it as an Alante.
(AL IGNORES HIM AND LOOKS AROUND)
STEVE Y'know, I got to thinking about what you were saying about American cars, and... Oh, who
am I kidding? I'm getting a Benz.
AL (IN HIS OWN WORLD) I've never been in a bank that was closed before.
STEVE Not many people have, Al. You may be the first shoe salesman. I love it. Nobody here but
(THE GUARD SNORES)
STEVE And of course the guard. This is my favorite time. And my favorite place. Some people
like Hawaii at sunset. Me, give me a bank after hours. It's the Catherdral of Capitalism.
Can you hear it, Al? It's the sound of interest accruing. Well, I'll be with you in a
second. Just a few last minute managerial duties. (MOVING TO COUNTER) Tomorrow is a
really busy day. So I've got to put all these "Next window please" signs 'cause we're
only going to have two tellers working. And I've got one more loan to approve.
AL (IMPATIENT) Come on, Steve.
STEVE It won't take long. It's mine. (HE STAMPS A FORM) Yes! I've just got a few more things to
(AL WANDERS AND DISAPPEARS)
STEVE Bassinger left his finger stickem open. That's coming out of his salary. I hate tellers.
Okay, I'm ready, Al. Al?
AL (O.S.) I'm in the vault.
STEVE Oh. (PANIC) The vault!! (LEAPS OVER SLEEPING GUARD) It's okay, Wyatt, I know him.
INT. VAULT - CONTINUOUS
(STEVE RUSHES IN. AL HAS HIS BACK TO HIM)
STEVE Al, are you crazy? This is a federal offense!
AL I was just lookin'. Okay, I'm ready to go.
(AL TURNS AND HE HAS MONEY STUFFED IN HIS SHIRT AND POCKETS. IT'S COMING OUT EVERYWHERE. STEVE
YELPS IN HORROR. STEVE PULLS MONEY OUT OF AL'S SHIRT)
STEVE Al, you can't touch this. This is money. If Wyatt ever woke up and saw this, he'd pass
AL Come on, Steve, relax. You can't tell me you don't play in here.
STEVE I'm not allowed in here!
AL Well, let me show you around. This is money. Money, this is Steve. (FLIPPING THROUGH A
WAD OF BILLS) Come on, fondle some fifties.
STEVE Al, I just got the job. I'm getting a Mercedes. How would you like it if I came to your
store after it was closed and played with your pumps?
AL Come on, Steve. I've never been around this much money before. And I probably never will.
(AL WAVES MONEY IN FRONT OF STEVE's FACE)
AL Smell it, Steve. Smell it, and dream with me.
STEVE Put it down, Al.
AL Look at it, Steve. Look at it all. What's it gonna hurt, if one minute, we pretend that
STEVE Okay. Put it down, and just look at it. Just for a minute. But look, don't touch. I mean
INT. BANK VAULT - LATER THAT FRIDAY NIGHT
(AL AND STEVE ARE PLAYING CARDS WITH PILES OF MONEY ON THE TABLE)
STEVE I'll see your five hundred thousand and raise you this gold bar.
(WITH CONSIDERABLE EFFORT, STEVE LIFTS GOLD BAR TO TABLE. AL LOOKS AT HIM CRAFTILY, A BEAT. THEN
HE TOSSES IN SOME CASH)
AL I call.
(HE LAYS OUT HIS CARDS)
AL Read 'em and weep. Jack high.
(STEVE LAYS OUT HIS CARDS)
STEVE Deuces, Al. Two of 'em.
(HE GLEEFULLY RAKES IN THE POT)
AL Hey, Steve. Indian poker for this guy's mortage.
(STEVE RESTS HIS HEAD ON HIS GOLD BAR AND NUZZLES IT)
STEVE I don't feel like it, Al.
(HE CARESSES THE BAR)
STEVE Is it unnatural for me to be horny, Al?
AL Not at all, Steve. Money is love. (MEASURING OUT PILES OF MONEY) This is a car.
(ANOTHER PILE) This is a house. (PUTS OUT BIGGER PILE) And this is a blonde.
STEVE Hey, Al. Look at these bonds.
(STEVE GETS A BOND)
STEVE This little piece of paper is worth one hundred thousand dollars.
AL Steve, I'm just going to throw something at you. What say I pull my car around back, we
load her up and head for Canada where the dollar means something. In ten years we can
send for the girls.
STEVE I can't.
STEVE I don't exactly know.
AL Come on, they sell BMW's in Canada. Big ones. And they come with hookers. Dressed like
college girls. Get some bags, and I'll make room in the trunk.
STEVE Can my gold bar ride in the front with us?
AL Of course it can.
STEVE Look, Wyatt has a station wagon. I'll lift his keys and you... wait a second. We can't do
this. Al, this is insane. It's wrong. It's illegal. (REMEMBERING) That's it. It's
AL In a few years it may not be. They gave amnesty for the draft evaders that went to
Canada. Do bank thieves deserve any less?
STEVE Al, the moment's passed, we've had our fun. Let's go home.
AL All right. All right. It's all coming back to me. Ungrateful redhead, two rotten kids.
Yeah, I'm back. I know we can't do it. But it's a beautiful memory. I wish I had a
picture, so I could tell my grandchildren I had all this money, but their grandmother
spent it all.
STEVE Hey, we've got cameras. We give them away to depositors. I'll go get one.
INT. BANK - CONTINUOUS
(STEVE ENTERS. WYATT SLEEPS. HE LAYS IN A FETAL POSITION. STEVE TRIES TO OPEN A DRAWER BUT IT'S
LOCKED. HE SIGHS, THEN GOES BACK TO THE VAULT)
INT. VAULT - CONTINUOUS
STEVE They're locked up, Al. I guess I can't blame 'em. Those are expensive cameras. Let's go,
(THEY SIGH, TAKE A LAST LOOK AROUND, SIGH AGAIN, AND EXIT)
(INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - SATURDAY DAY)
(AL, PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE)
PEGGY I think we should all be very proud of Daddy, kids. He cost us the only chance we'll ever
have of happiness.
KELLY I'll tell you this much. The man I marry would have taken that money.
BUD Hey, leave Dad alone. Don't you think he knows he made the biggest mistake of all our
AL As I told Steve, it's illegal and wrong and I'll have no part of it.
PEGGY Al, tell me. When you were in there with all that money, what did you think about?
AL Well, I was thinkin' that if I did take it, you and me and the kids would drive to Canada
and live the life we deserve.
PEGGY Awww, honey.
AL (MODESTLY) I know. I know.
(STEVE BLASTS IN THE FRONT DOOR)
STEVE All right, Al. There's a million dollars missing. Where is it?
BUD Way to go, Dad!
PEGGY (FINALLY PROUD) Oh, Al!
(PEGGY HUGS AL. THE KIDS HUG EACH OTHER HAPPILY)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
(PEGGY SITS BACK DREAMILY. BUD KISSES AL'S HAND. KELLY WEEPS GENTLY WITH JOY)
KELLY I can have everything I want. I love my Daddy.
PEGGY We all do, dear.
STEVE Al, you are scum.
BUD But he can buy and sell you, buddy.
AL C'mon, Steve. You know I didn't take it. How could I have carried out a million dollars?
STEVE Those security bonds. Ten stinking pieces of paper. You could have put them anywhere
while I was out of the vault.
BUD Security bonds. Brilliant, Dad.
PEGGY They're good in Canada, aren't they, Al?
KELLY (MAKING A LIST) Cashmere sweater. CD player. A bodyguard...
STEVE Listen, Al. Monday morning when they check the duty roster, one word will come down from
above -- "Rhoades!" And I'll have one for them -- "Bundy."
AL Steve, I'm telling you I don't have it.
STEVE Al, we're talking twenty to fifty with chain saw killers. And don't think I'm serving
time alone, bunkie. If I'm playing in the showers with maniacs, you're gonna be passing
AL I didn't take it.
(BUD IS ON THE PHONE)
BUD Hello, United? I'd like three first class tickets to the Riviera. Hold on. Kell, are you
KELLY Of course.
BUD (INTO PHONE) Yes, and some extra baggage. How will I be paying? Security bonds.
STEVE (COMPOSING HIMSELF) Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go home, drink moderately
and pass out. And when I come to, you're going to give the money back. Because I believe
deep down, you're an honest man. So here I go, walking out the door, to leave you alone
with your conscience. Peggy, I'm depending on you to make him do the right thing.
PEGGY Steve, if Al says he didn't take it, he didn't take it.
PEGGY (TO AL) God, I love you. (SHE WRAPS HERSELF AROUND AL) Sure I have a man who shows me no
affection and has a go nowhere job. (TEARING UP) But now Daddy's taking care of our
AL Peg. Listen to me for once in your life. I don't have the money.
PEGGY (TURNING ON HIM) Don't think you're holding out on me, Al. I've made your breakfasts.
I've had your children. I've gone to the bathroom after you. I've earned that money as
much as if I'd taken it myself. It's half mine, Al. Unless you go to prison. Then it's
all mine. (SWEETLY) Where is it, snookie?
AL Don't know.
PEGGY (PATS HIS LEG) Okay, honey. I believe you.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - SUNDAY MORNING
(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ARE ON THE COUCH. SUITCASES ARE BY THE FRONT DOOR. WE HEAR THE TINKLE OF A
BELL. AL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS. HE WEARS HIS PAJAMAS AND A ROBE, AND A LITTLE BELL AROUND HIS BIG
AL Does someone not trust me?
(THEY ALL RAISE THEIR HANDS. AL SLIPS THE BELL OFF HIS TOE. HE CROSSES TO THE SLIDING GLASS
AL I'm getting kind of sick of this.
(HE OPENS THE DRAPES, WE SEE STEVE OUTSIDE, SITTING ON A LAWN CHAIR, HIS ARMS FOLDED. AL REACTS.
HE STARTS UPSTAIRS)
PEGGY Where are you going?
AL To get dressed and get a paper.
PEGGY Not alone, you're not.
AL Fine. Bud can go with me.
BUD (SOTTO TO AL) Smart move, Dad, leaving the women behind. I'll get the toothbrushes. We'll
buy what we need in Cancun. Oh, the times we'll have. (IN NORMAL VOICE) Be right back,
AL Look, forget the paper. Just make me some breakfast.
PEGGY Why should I fix breakfast for a man who won't share?
AL (BEAT, THEN CRAFTILY) Okay, Peg. But I'll tell you this. If a guy actually did have a
million dollars, he sure wouldn't share it with someone who wouldn't fix him breakfast.
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVINGROOM - SUNDAY MORNING
(AL SITS AT THE FEAST LADEN TABLE, EATING, WHILE PEGGY SERVES HIM EGGS, KELLY SQUEEZES ORANGES
WITH HER BARE HANDS, AND BUD BUTTERS HIS TOAST. THEY SERVE HIM, THEN HOVER OVER HIM, AWAITING
AL It isn't golden brown enough.
(THEY FRANTICALLY REMOVE HIS TOAST AND POP MORE INTO THE TOASTER)
BUD It was Kelly's fault, Dad. Take it out of her cut.
KELLY (QUICKLY, TO AL) Taste your coffee, Dad. Bud made it. I know it's wrong.
PEGGY Don't badger your father, kids. Juice, Al?
AL (MAGNANIMOUS) Why not?
PEGGY I squeezed it myself.
PEGGY (SERVING HIM) Tell us again about Rio, honey.
AL Okay, we'll all be there laying in the sun... (NOTICES SOMETHING IN THE ORANGE JUICE)
(HE HANDS HER THE GLASS. SHE HANDS IT TO KELLY)
AL The palm trees will be swaying in the breeze and the cabana boys...
(PEGGY SHUDDERS WITH DELIGHT)
AL They live to serve you.
PEGGY (IMPATIENTLY) Kelly move it with Daddy's juice.
(SHE SMILES AT AL)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A SHORT TIME LATER
(AL LIES ON HIS STOMACH EATING CHOCOLATES WHILE PEGGY MASSAGES HIS BACK)
AL And the surfer boys in their tiny little bathing suits will be riding the waves...
(PEGGY MASSAGES HIM HARDER)
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - THE NEXT DAY - MONDAY
(AL SITS AT A FOOD LADEN TABLE AS PEGGY COOKS. SHE SERVES HIM A GIANT STACK OF PANCAKES)
PEGGY Would you like another rubdown with your breakfast, Al?
(HE STARES AT THE PANCAKES)
AL Peg, I'm raw, I'm full, and I don't have the money.
PEGGY Forget it, Al. I'm rich and I want to hear it.
(PEGGY ANSWERS DOOR TO A VERY DEPRESSED STEVE, WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES HE HAD ON THE DAY BEFORE.
STEVE Well, it's Monday. Right about now they should discover there's a million dollars
missing. They think back. "Let's see, who was the last person in the bank Saturday? Who
had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's
turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life." Of course, I'll turn you in.
And as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it
myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend is bigger than yours.
PEGGY (TO AL) Don't let him scare you, honey. You can do twenty years standing on your head.
STEVE (TO AL) You obviously don't understand what it's like in prison.
AL Sure, I do. It's like this, only with hot meals.
STEVE Well, I like my home life, Al. Nice welcome home present for Marcy. What's she going to
think when I don't show up for dinner for the next twenty years to life.
STEVE That's the long arm of the law.
(AL LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW)
AL No. It's the frog legs of your wife.
(HE OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY)
MARCY Hi. (TO STEVE) Hi, Steve. I missed you so.
STEVE You'll be missing me more soon.
(HE HUGS HER)
MARCY Are you feeling okay, Steve? I went to your bank when I got back to town and they said
you were sick.
STEVE Did they happen to mention anything else about me?
MARCY Well... no, Steve. But you're going to love this. Your bank lost a million dollars!
(MARCY LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY. STEVE MANAGES A WEAK CHUCKLE)
MARCY I get another job and things just fall apart. How do you lose a million dollars?
(STEVE SHRUGS AND GIVES A LITTLE NERVOUS LAUGH)
MARCY It's a good think I stopped by. It was just a simple little computer error. I'm sure you
would have caught it if you were there.
STEVE (WEEPING GENTLY) Yes. Yes. I would have. I just haven't been well.
(AL GLARES AT STEVE)
MARCY The funniest thing is, with that computer goof somebody really could have taken a million
dollars and they probably never would have caught it!
(AL GLARES HARDER AT STEVE. PEGGY GLARES AT AL)
STEVE Well, Al. I guess I owe you an apology. (BEAT) So what do you think? A Benz or a BMW?
MARCY Come on, Steve. Let's go home.
(THEY START OUT)
MARCY Steve, why do you have a duffle bag full of Camel cigarettes by our front door?
STEVE Halloween's coming.
PEGGY We don't have a million dollars, Al?
AL I've been telling you that for the last two days.
PEGGY You know I never listen to you.
AL It would've been nice though, wouldn't it? I mean we coulda had anything we wanted.
PEGGY Oh, I really don't need anything.
PEGGY Well, I'm going upstairs now.
(PEGGY EXITS UPSTAIRS QUICKLY. SUSPICIOUSLY, AL OPENS THE DOOR TO A DELIVERY MAN WITH A CLIPBOARD
AND A SET OF KEYS)
D.MAN Mr. Bundy. Here's the key to your new pink Cadillac your wife ordered. It wasn't easy but
we got the personalized plates that say "Pegster". It's C.O.D. That'll be twenty-five
thousand dollars. She said you'd have the cash.
AL (TO DELIVERY MAN) I'll be right back. I just gotta get some change.
(AL HEADS UP THE STAIRS)
AL (CALLS OUT) Oh, Pegster.
END OF ACT TWO
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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