POPPY'S BY THE TREE (PART ONE)
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Buck.......................Mike the Dog
Kelly's boyfriend..........Dan Gauthier
Becky......................Kim Morgan Greene
Beany......................Ian Patrick Williams
(WE SEE THE EXTERIOR OF A SLIGHTLY RUN DOWN MOTEL. IT IS EVENING. SUPER: "Poppy's By The Tree",
THEN "Dumpwater, Florida", THEN "Yes, This is "Married... With Children".", THEN "Yes, we know
it's in black and white. Don't worry, it will be in color soon" AND FINALLY "September, 1967".
A BEAT, THEN WE PUSH IN)
CUT TO: INT. MOTEL ROOM ("POPPY'S BY THE TREE") - EVENING (1967)
(POPPY'S IS A CHEAP MOTEL IN NORTHERN FLORIDA. WE SEE A PORTLY, MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE, LAYING IN
BED. AN OLD RADIO PLAYS "ODE TO BILLIE JOE." THERE IS SOME STATIC. THE MAN, HAROLD, READS A
NEWSPAPER. THE WOMAN, DOTTIE, LOOKS BORED AND UNHAPPY. SHE SWATS THE BED WITH A FLY SWATTER)
DOTTIE Harold, this place stinks. I don't know why you took me here. The air conditioning isn't
working, the room service is terrible, and will you listen to that radio??
(DOTTIE TURNS THE RADIO OFF)
DOTTIE This place is a disgrace.
HAROLD (AGREEING) It's a disgrace.
DOTTIE And what about the towels? I asked for towels. How come they don't have towels in this
place? This place is a disgrace!
HAROLD It's a disgrace.
(THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
DOTTIE Hmph. Finally. (CALLS OUT) Come in. (MUTTERS) A disgrace.
(THE DOOR OPENS. BEFORE WE CAN SEE WHO IT IS, WE SEE THE COUPLE REACT UNCERTAINLY FROM THE
DOTTIE Where are the towels? I don't see any towels. W-w-what is that behind your back?
(WE SEE AN AXE BEING RAISED. WE HEAR STRAINS OF MUSIC. THE HORRIFIED COUPLE TRIES TO TAKE
COVER. WE SEE THE AXE RISE AND FALL A FEW TIMES. A TOWEL IS TOSSED ON THE FLOOR WITH THE HOTEL
LOGO "POPPY'S BY THE TREE.". WE HEAR THE DOOR CLOSE)
CUT TO: EXT. POPPY'S MOTEL - DAY
CUT TO: INSERT - NEWSPAPER "THE DUMPWATER, FLORIDIAN"
(THE HEADLINE READS "POPPY'S KILLER STRIKES AGAIN" AND UNDER THE HEADLINE IT READS "OBNOXIOUS
COUPLE FOUND DEAD")
CUT TO: EXT. POPPY'S MOTEL - DAY
CUT TO: INSERT - NEWSPAPER - "THE DUMPWATER, FLORIDIAN"
(THE HEADLINE READS, "IT HAPPENED AGAIN AT POPPY'S," AND UNDER THE HEADLINE, THE SUB-HEAD READS,
""OOH, THAT MUST'VE HURT", SAYS SHERIFF")
CUT TO: EXT. POPPY'S MOTEL - DAY
CUT TO: INSERT - NEWSPAPER - "THE DUMPWATER, FLORIDIAN"
(THE HEADLINE READS, "THE AXE IS BACK" AND THE SUB-HEAD READS, "HOTEL SAFE TILL 1987")
CUT TO: EXT. BUNDY HOUSE - DAY
(WE ARE BACK IN COLOR. SUPER: 1987)
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - DAY
(THE FOUR BUNDYS ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE)
AL (HAPPILY) Okay. It's vacation time! Peg. Kids. We're going to "Poppy's By The Tree", in
picturesque Dumpwater, Florida.
(THE REST OF THE FAMILY STARE AT HIM)
AL Let's see some excitement!
(BUD LOOKS AROUND)
BUD Well, I guess it's up to me. (RAISES HIS HAND) Dad...
AL Yes, Bud.
BUD I thought we all voted on Hawaii.
AL That was just a vote, Bud. It didn't mean anything.
(AL GETS UP AND CROSSES TO THE LIVING ROOM. PEGGY FOLLOWS)
PEGGY Al, Honey, you promised this year we could take a real vacation. Y'know, someplace
where we don't look out our windows and see chain gangs working.
AL C'mon, Peg. We still sing those songs we learned down there. But this year I found
something really special. Look at this brochure, Peg. This place has everything Hawaii
has. It's got sunshine, a palm tree, uh, quicksand... But the best part is it's in the
(KELLY GETS UP)
KELLY So are the sewers of Manhattan, Dad. Or am I spoling next year's vacation?
PEGGY Al, we all appreciate your efforts at finding the cheapest places in America. But
Dumpwater, Florida, Al?
AL You're gonna judge a place by it's name? If we did that, we never would have experienced
Six Toe, Arkansas. Remember that soup, kids?
KELLY And don't forget those underground fires.
AL Well, Dumpwater is gonna make Six Toe look sick. And - and the best part is it's only
eight dollars a night. See, that'll give us plenty of extra money to... well, let's see.
(AL LOOKS AT THE BROCHURE)
AL Uh... I dunno. But it'll leave us plenty of money. My decision is made.
(AL GETS UP AND CROSSES TO THE KIDS)
AL Now, if people don't wanna go to Poppy's, we can use that money to buy one of those soft
toilet seats and make every day a vacation.
(AL GETS A BEER FROM THE FRIDGE. KELLY AND BUD LOOK AT EACH OTHER)
(PEGGY LOOKS AT THE BROCHURE)
PEGGY Well, kids, it is near a nice tree.
AL (PROUD) You betcha, Peg. And the best part is...
AL We're taking the family car.
KELLY (SADLY) We're taking the family car.
BUD (SADLY) We're taking the family car.
AL You betcha. That way, we get to see all the sites.
(AL SITS BACK ON THE COUCH NEXT TO PEGGY)
PEGGY (LOOKING AT THE BROCHURE) You mean like the house that defies gravity?
AL (PROUD) Our first stop. It was supposed to be a surprise for the kids. You didn't hear
BUD (SADLY) Uh, yeah we did, Dad.
KELLY (FALSELY ENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, Dad. Can we listen to the oldie station all the way down?
AL (BEAMING) We can.
BUD And do we get to stop at Howard Johnson's for Pez?
AL We do.
PEGGY And all the way through speed trap country, do I get to pretend I'm in labor?
AL You do. Now, kids, I want you to go upstairs, lay out the clothes you want to take, and
keep this in mind: the first Howard Johnson's, the Pez is on Dad.
(KELLY AND BUD UNENTHUSIASTICALLY GO UPSTAIRS. THE DOORBELL RINGS)
PEGGY That must be Robin Leach.
(SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY. SHE HAS THREE SUITCASES AND A CAMERA AROUND HER NECK)
MARCY Can I get some help here?
(PEGGY OPENS THE DOOR WIDER. MARCY REACTS AND ENTERS. SHE PUTS THE LUGGAGE ON THE FLOOR. AL PUTS
IT BY THE STAIRS)
MARCY Here it is. But please be very careful with our luggage. We just got it.
PEGGY We'll treat it as if it were our own.
MARCY Then I can't let you have it.
AL (TO PEGGY) Hey, she brought the camera
(MARCY GIVES PEGGY THE CAMERA)
MARCY Oh, now, Steve loves this camera. Please be very careful with it.
(PEGGY NODS, THEN TOSSES THE CAMERA TO AL. THE DOORBELL RINGS AND SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE,
WHO IS HOLDING THE RHOADES' OLD LUGGAGE)
STEVE Hi, guys. I was just cleaning the garage and I found our luggage.
(MARCY SHAKES HER HEAD AT STEVE. HE IGNORES HER)
STEVE It's not the greatest, but it's all we've got. Someday we'll get some good luggage,
but... right now it'll have to do, and you're more than welcome to it.
(STEVE TAKES OUT AN ANCIENT INSTAMATIC)
STEVE Now, here's our camera. It's not much. But it's all we've got. You're more than welcome
(STEVE NOTICES THE LUGGAGE BY THE STAIRS)
STEVE (WHISPERING) Marcy, that's our good luggage. You gave them our good luggage?
(AL POINTS THE EXPENSIVE CAMERA AT HIM)
STEVE (SOTTO) God, I hate them. (THEN, SMILING PLEASANTLY TO AL AND PEGGY) So, where you
(STEVE AND MARCY SIT ON THE COUCH)
PEGGY Well, where's the one place you would go if you could go anywhere?
PEGGY That's right, we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.
(AL AND PEGGY ALSO SIT)
AL (PROUDLY, ENUNCIATING) U. S. of A.
(BUD AND KELLY APPEAR AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS)
BUD Well, Dad, our clothes are all ready for Stinkwater.
AL That's Dumpwater, kids. Come here. Peg, you too. Now, I know this is not your first
choice for a vacation.
BUD Does it show, Dad?
AL Shut up, Bud. I'm trying to explain something important to all of you. Now, we're poor,
so we're going to Dumpwater, Florida. But let's look at the positive side. It's a week
where you don't have to go to school, it's a week where I don't have to go to work, and
Peg, well, everyday's a vacation to you so what am I talking to you for? Now let's see
some smiles, 'cause tomorrow the memories begin.
INSERT OF MAP OF EASTERN UNITED STATES
(A RED LINE MOVES ALONG FROM CHICAGO, SOUTHWARD TO FLORIDA. WE SEE THE LINE STOP AT EPHUS,
AL (V.O.) Who wants Pez?
(WE HEAR THE KIDS GROAN)
KELLY (V.O.) Leave us alone.
DISSOLVE TO: INSERT MAP
(THE RED LINE MOVES TO BEAVER KNEE, TENNESSEE)
AL (V.O.) Well, there it is. The biggest sinkhole in the South. We're really seeing America
now, eh, kids?
(WE HEAR THE KIDS GROAN)
AL What's wrong with you people?
DISSOLVE TO: INSERT MAP
(THE RED LINE CONTINUES MOVING SOUTH)
AL (V.O., SINGING) Row row row your boat gently down the stream... everybody!
PEGGY Leave us alone.
KELLY Leave us alone.
BUD Leave us alone.
(THE RED LINE REACHES ONE ROCK, GEORGIA. WE HEAR A POLICE CAR SIREN. THE CAR ENGINE SOUND STOPS)
PEGGY (V.O., BY ROTE) Yes, officer. I'm due to give birth any minute. (BEAT) No. An escort to
the hospital won't be necessary, officer. We want our child to be born in Florida.
(HATEFULLY) Dumpwater, Florida.
DISSOLVE TO: INSERT MAP
(AS THE RED LINE CROSSES THE FLORIDA BORDER WE HEAR)
PEGGY (V.O.) Where are the kids?
(THE RED LINE STOPS, BACKS UP TO ONE ROCK, STOPS, THEN HEADS BACK TO FLORIDA)
INT. POPPY'S BY THE TREE - MOTEL LOBBY - DAY
(THE LOBBY IS A COMBINATION LOBBY, LOUNGE, AND DINING AREA. THERE IS A LITTLE SOUVENIR STAND, A
FRONT DESK, AND AN UNBRELLA STAND WITH AXES IN IT. ON A WALL IS A PICTURE OF A MAN. SITTING
AROUND ARE THE TOWN REGULARS, THE SHERIFF, A HEAVYSET MAN; THE HANDYMAN, DELBERT; THE DESKCLERK-
BELLHOP, ROY; THE CHEF, BEANY; AND A PRETTY GIRL IN HER TWENTIES, BECKY, THE TOWN SEXPOT. IT IS
HOT AND THEY SIT, LAZILY FANNING OR MOPPING THEIR BROWS. ROY SWATS A FLY)
ROY Who you think's gonna get killed this time?
(A BEAT, THEN THE BUNDY'S ENTER)
AL We're here!
(EVERYBODY LOOKS AT THEM, THEN AT EACH OTHER. THEY NOD SAGELY)
AL Let the good times roll.
INT. MOTEL LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
(AL AND PEGGY ARE IN BERMUDA SHORTS. AL WEARS A HAWAIIAN SHIRT, WHITE SOCKS WITH SANDALS. A
BOTTLE OF SUNTAN LOTION PROTRUDES FROM HIS POCKET. A CAMERA IS AROUND HIS NECK. PEGGY WEARS A
BIG STRAW HAT, HAS A BIG STRAW POCKET BOOK, AND HAS FLIP FLOPS ON HER FEET. KELLY AND BUD ARE
DRESEED NORMALLY AND ARE HUMILIATED. AL AND PEGGY LOOK AROUND)
AL Looks better than the brochure, doesn't it, Peg? (TO DELBERT) Hey, Jethro. You wanna take
a picture of me and the family?
DELBERT Yeah. They'll be wantin' one for the paper.
ROY Just say "Gator Bait."
(THE FAMILY POSES, PARENTS SMILING)
INT. MOTEL ROOM - MINUTES LATER
(THE ROOM IS THE SAME ONE THAT THE FIRST COUPLE WAS KILLED IN. IT HASN'T CHANGED. THERE IS A
DOUBLE BED. A BEAT, THEN THE DOOR OPENS AND ALL AND PEGGY ENTER, FOLLOWED BY KELLY AND BUD. ROY
FOLLOWS WITH THEIR BAGS. AL TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
AL Ah. Smell that air.
ROY I'll open the window, sir.
PEGGY Uh, excuse me, sir. In your brochure it said that you had a TV.
ROY Yes, Ma'am. But not in the rooms. We meant the town has one.
PEGGY Gee, Al. No TV. I guess that means we'll have to... (SUGGESTIVELY) entertain ourselves at
(PEGGY FLOPS ON THE BED AND TESTS IT OUT)
AL (TO ROY) Well, who has and how far is it?!
KELLY Where do we sleep? Out behind the still?
ROY (TO AL) She must've been mighty scared once for her hair to have turned white at such a
young age. (TO KIDS) Right through this door.
(ROY OPENS THE DOOR. AL AND THE KIDS WALK INSIDE)
AL (A TRIFLE UPSET) Hey. I asked for the twin beds.
KELLY (ANNOYED) Dad, I don't think these are exact twins. One has a lawnmower on it.
(THEY WALK BACK TO THE FIRST ROOM)
ROY Well, enjoy your stay, folks. And remember our motto. If we don't have it, you shoulda
brought it with you.
(ROY HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. AL STARES AT IT)
AL (TO ROY) Remember our motto. We don't have it.
(ROY NODS AND EXITS)
AL Well, kids. What do you think?
KELLY I think that if I can get a rope over that beam then I can hang myself.
BUD I'll help you find one.
(THE KIDS EXIT INTO THEIR ROOM AND SLAM THE DOOR)
AL What's the matter with everybody?
PEGGY We're all mad at you, Al. We wanted to go to Hawaii.
AL Oh, what is so great about Hawaii? I mean, the sun shines down here, too.
PEGGY Yes, but look what it lights up.
AL It's - it's just different. It's... eight dollars a night, Peg. Couldn't you learn to
PEGGY Well... okay, I'll try. But you know, you've gotta admit that there's something weird
about this place. I mean, the people... the way they look at you, like you're... dinner.
AL That's ridiculous, Peg. There's nobody's looking at us.
(AL OPENS THE DOOR TO HANG A "DO NOT DISTURB" SIGN. SEVERAL TOWNSPEOPLE OF ALL AGES ARE
IN THE DOORWAY, STARING AT THEM. AL SHUTS THE DOOR)
AL (AS IF NOTHING WAS THERE) I'm telling you, this place is fine. Now, your problem is
you're a city girl. You don't know how to unwind. Or, uh, keep house, or get a job. Or
bring any money home. (SITS ON BED) Now, let's look at our complimentary "Dumpwater,
Floridian" and see what the town has to offer.
(AL PICKS UP THE PAPER)
AL Uh, where's the entertainment section? Ah. Page two.
(AL TURNS THE SINGLE SHEET OVER)
AL Here we go. Oh, look! There's a two-headed pickled goat down by the courthouse.
PEGGY Oh, Al. Let's do something we can't do at home.
AL (SNIPPY) Fine. How about looking for a good meal?
PEGGY Let's not argue. As pathetic as it is, you are my husband and this is our vacation.
AL Now that's the spirit, Peg. (LOOKS AT PAPER) Uh... look here. Tonight at the high school:
"Meet the man who met Andy Griffith."
(PEGGY STARES AT AL)
AL Are you that jaded, Peg?
(THE DOOR OPENS AND BECKY ENTERS WITH TOWELS AND TOILET PAPER)
BECKY Hi. I brought you some towels and some T.P.
PEGGY (COLDLY) Didn't you see the "Do not disturb" sign?
BECKY Oh, we just put that out as a nicety. I mean, nobody here is gonna disturb you.
(PEGGY REACTS. AL SMILES STUPIDLY)
BECKY I'll just put the T.P. in the B.R.
AL Uh, no, no, not over there... Could you - could you put it down over there?
(AL INDICATES A FOOTSTOOL. BECKY PUTS THE T.P. DOWN. AL LOOKS AT HER BEHIND. PEGGY REACTS)
BECKY You look like a nice couple...
AL Ah, you too.
(AL GETS UP AND GIVES BECKY SOME CASH. SHE HOLDS UP A TOWEL)
BECKY I picked this towel special for you. Don't tell anybody that I gave it to you. Is there
anything else I can do for you?
(PEGGY GETS UP)
PEGGY (IMITATING BECKY's DICTION) Gee, I don't know. Al, you want her to bend over again?
Y'know, to pick up your tongue or anything?
AL Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy. (TO BECKY) Let me get the door for you.
BECKY (TO PEGGY) Your husband really is sweet.
PEGGY Hmph. Must be why the flies love him.
(PEGGY AND BECKY LOOK EACH OTHER UP AND DOWN. AL OPENS THE DOOR FOR BECKY)
BECKY (TO AL) Don't you forget to use that special towel, now.
(BECKY EXITS. AL STANDS THERE AND WATCHES HER GO, WAVING THE TOWEL)
PEGGY She's out the door, Al.
(AL CLOSES THE DOOR)
AL Gee, this is nice here. Let's move here.
PEGGY Well, you just keep pulling in those big bucks, and in a hundred years, maybe we can
afford a shack just like this.
AL You're just jealous 'cause you don't have a special towel.
PEGGY Oh, why don't you take a shower and wash off that "special odor".
(AL UNFOLDS THE TOWEL. A PIECE OF PAPER FALLS OUT, UNNOTICED)
AL You know, Peg. I don't know what's so special about this towel. We'll steal it anyway.
(THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE PAPER. IT READS, "GET OUT NOW". SCARY MUSIC PLAYS)
INT. MOTEL LOBBY - A SHORT TIME LATER
(ROY IS HANGING OUT WITH BEANY, DELBERT, AND THE SHERIFF. BECKY IS WIPING OFF A TABLE. OTHER
LOCALS ARE HANGING OUT. THE MEN ARE PICKING PIECES OF PAPER OUT OF A HAT. DELBERT PICKS A SLIP
OF PAPER AND SHOWS IT TO THE SHERIFF)
SHERIFF (READING) Three A.M.
DELBERT Three A.M. Damn. I had three A.M. last time.
BEANY (GLOATING) Hell, we always find the bodies before three A.M. Here's my dollar. (HE PICKS)
All right! Midnight.
(THE OTHERS "OOH" AND "AHH" ENVIOUSLY)
ROY Hey, Becky. You want in? Still a couple of times left in the lottery.
BECKY No. I think it's terrible you bettin' on what time that poor obnoxious family is gonna
get chopped into little bitty pieces. And for what? Twenty dollars?
ROY It's up to twenty-five.
BECKY I'm in.
(SHE PUTS IN A DOLLAR AND TAKES A SLIP OF PAPER. EVERYBODY LAUGHS. KELLY AND BUD COME
DOWNSTAIRS. THE TOWN FOLK NOTICE AND STOP LAUGHING)
ROY Shh... it's the young'uns.
(KELLY AND BUD WANDER OVER TO THE SOUVENIR STAND. THEY LOOK OVER THEIR SHOULDERS AND SEE THE
TOWN FOLK LOOKING AT THEM. THE TOWN FOLK SMILE)
BEANT That poor little white-haired girl. You think she'd throw some dye on it.
(ROY WALKS OVER TO BUD AND KELLY)
ROY Can I help you?
KELLY Yeah, is there any actual food here or do I just stand by a bug light with my mouth open?
BUD Hey, even bumpkins have feelings, Kell.
ROY (TO KELLY) What do you want?
KELLY A bus ticket and a real family. But for now I'll settle for a couple of burgers.
ROY (CALLING OUT) Two burgers, Beany.
(BEANY NODS, SCRATCHING UNDER HIS ARM)
ROY (TO BUD) How 'bout you?
BUD (INDICATING BEANY) Is he the cook?
BUD I'll have a coke. Unopened.
(BEANY NODS AND EXITS. ROY WANDERS AWAY)
KELLY Well, Bud. Here we are. Another great Bundy vacation. Y'know, other kids, they get to go
to Europe or Hawaii. No! We get to go to "Hee Haw". There's not another human being
(KELLY SEES A GOOD-LOOKING TEENAGE BOY)
KELLY He-llo! (BEAT. TO BUD) See you in a week.
BUD Where are you going?
KELLY To get buns for my burger.
BUD Mom and Dad said not to wander off without them.
KELLY (LOOKING AT BOY) Mom will understand.
(KELLY WALKS OVER TO THE BOY. HE SMILES, PICKS UP AN AXE. THEY EXIT)
BUD Thanks, Kell. That's real nice. Leave me with the tree people.
(BUD STANDS ALONE A BEAT. WE SEE A HAND SLOWLY COME UP BEHIND HIM. IT GRABS HIS SHOULDER. BUD
JUMPS. HE TURNS TO SEE BEANY, HOLDING A MEAT CLEAVER. BUD REACTS)
BEANY Your drink's ready.
(BEANY SHOWS BUD THE CLEAVER)
BEANY I'm gonna go ax the burgers now.
BUD Fine. There won't be any screaming, will there?
(BEANY GIVES BUD A BIG SMILE. BUD SMILES BACK. BEANY EXITS. BUD SITS DOWN AT A TABLE.
EVERYONE STARES AT HIM. HE SEES THEM. A BEAT, THEN HE RAISES HIS GLASS AS IF TO TOAST)
BUD To Dixie.
(BUD DRINKS. WE SEE A HAND COME UP BEHIND HIM AND TOUCH HIM ON THE SHOULDER. HE JUMPS. HE TURNS
TO SEE A PRETTY GIRL, GLORIA, AROUND HIS AGE)
GLORIA Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
BUD I wasn't scared. It was a... reflex action from the war. Sit down.
(GLORIA JOINS BUD AT THE TABLE)
BUD So, uh, you don't smell like everybody else around here.
GLORIA Well, thank you! They say you're from Chicago.
BUD (COOLLY) Yep. Chicago. Chi town. The windy city. My kind of town. (SIPS)
GLORIA It must be exciting.
BUD Well, it is for me. I'm a cop. Bundy. Bud Bundy. Chicago Vice.
GLORIA (EXCITED) Really?
BUD I'm also a millionaire. See, I made my money --
(AL AND PEGGY COME DOWNSTAIRS)
PEGGY There he is.
(BUD TRIES TO WAVE THEM AWAY. THEY COME OVER)
PEGGY Oh, Bud, did you take your Milk of Magnesia?
(BUD COVERS HIS FACE)
AL (KNOWINGLY) He didn't.
(AL AND PEGGY ALSO SIT AT THE TABLE)
PEGGY Bud, how do you expect to get rid of your constipation if you won't take your laxatives?
AL Hey, Bud, you made a little friend, huh?
BUD Yeah. And you could help. You got any pictures of me on the potty you'd like to show her?
AL (JOSHING) Well, excuse us, Mr. Sensitive.
(AL TOUSLES BUD'S HAIR. BUD REACTS, HUMILIATED)
AL Have you seen your sister?
(KELLY ENTERS WITH THE BOY. HE HAS A BOTTLE OF BEER. HE PASSES IT TO KELLY. SHE RAISES IT TO HER
LIPS TO GUZZLE, THEN SEES AL AND PEGGY WATCHING HER)
KELLY (TO BOY, ENUNCIATING) No, thank you. I don't drink.
(KELLY PRETENDS TO NOTICE AL AND PEGGY)
KELLY Mom, Dad, I didn't know you guys were here.
(KELLY BURPS. THEN SMILES GUILTILY)
KELLY What's going on?
AL Well, we were gonna go for a walk, but we heard on the radio it might rain. (TO ROY) Hey,
goob. That radio upstairs stinks. I'm paying eight dollars American, so get one of the
guys out of the pigpen and let's get that thing workin', huh? (TO KIDS) Hey, who wants
some down-home cookin'? (TO BEANY) Hey, Elmo. Vittles for the family.
PEGGY Uh, Al. Honey, maybe you should be a little nicer to these people. I don't think they
AL Hey, Peg. I get yelled at all year long. Now this is my vacation and my money. And my
turn to be the customer.
PEGGY But Al, it's obnoxious.
AL So what? What are they gonna do? Kill us?
(PEGGY SHRUGS AND LAUGHS)
INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
(IT IS RAINING. THE ROOM IS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR A PAIR OF LEGS WHICH WE SEE
DISAPPEAR UNDER THE BED. WE HEAR THE BUNDYS SING O.S. "A COUNTRY BOY CAN SURVIVE")
BUNDYS (SINGING O.S.) "I got a shotgun, a rifle
And a four wheel drive.
A country boy can survive."
(A BEAT, THEN AL, PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ENTER, LAUGHING)
PEGGY You know, I have to admit, Al. You were right. Treat people like scum and they just can't
do enough for you. I mean, everybody was so friendly to us. It was as if tonight were out
last night on earth.
(WE HEAR THUNDER)
AL You're starting to like it here, aren't you?
(THEY ALL WALLA THEIR APPRECIATION)
BUD Dad, can we go down to the high school tomorrow night, and meet the man who met Andy
AL Since when do you like Andy Griffith?
KELLY Since Gloria wants to go. Bud's in love.
BUD I am not.
KELLY He's blushing, Mom.
BUD She's pregnant, Dad.
KELLY Am not!
BUD Well, then I guess it's just a beer belly.
(KELLY HITS BUD)
PEGGY Now, kids, we can do this at home. Go to bed and then we'll decide what to do tomorrow.
(KELLY AND BUD EXIT. ON THE WAY KELLY SHOVES BUD)
PEGGY Oh, Al, our kids are really growing up fast. Soon, they won't need us for anything.
AL How soon, Peg?
PEGGY Not soon enough, Al.
(AL AND PEGGY SIT ON THE BED)
PEGGY You know, honey, it really is kinda romantic here, with the rain beating against the
window, the wind whistling through the trees.
AL Uh, oh.
(PEGGY LAYS ON THE BED, EXPECTANTLY. AL JUST SITS. A BEAT, THEN SHE PULLS HIM DOWN. THEY LAY ON
PEGGY Comfortable, Al?
AL Does it matter, Peg?
PEGGY Not really.
AL Aw, Peg. This was supposed to be my vacation.
PEGGY Get to work, Al.
AL (GRUMBLING) All right. Get my dramimine.
(PEGGY ROLLS OVER TO GET UP. JUST AS SHE MOVES WE HEAR A VIOLIN STRING, AND A KNIFE COMES UP
THROUGH THE BED BETWEEN THEM, JUST MISSING THEM. THEY SCREAM. FREEZE FRAME)
TO BE CONTINUED
Modified from the first draft script by Nitzan Gilkis
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