BUCK CAN DO IT
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mitchell Greenberg......Mr. Pitman
Buck is lying on the couch, watching TV.
TV And I'd like to say one more time please, PLEASE watch The Late Show on FOX. All we want
is a chance. Is that too much to ask for?
AL I'm home! [no response] No, no, don't mob me! I'm just a breadwinner. No, don't push.
You'll all get your chance to hug and kiss me. [picks up the TV remote and leans down to
Buck] Hey Buck. [turns off the TV] I'm home, buddy! [Buck doesn't care] You shiftless,
dank less bag of... go on.
Al pushes Buck off the couch. He finds some bare ribs on the couch.
AL Hey, where'd you get these? We don't keep any food in the house.
Peggy comes downstairs.
PEGGY Al, I brought you some ribs. I kept them in the bag so they could soak in the grease,
just like you like them.
Peggy spies the torn, grease-soaked paper bag on the table and picks it up.
PEGGY Al, you eat like an animal.
AL I didn't do this.
PEGGY Ohh, you're going to blame it on Buck. Well, look, he's not even hungry. [Buck lies by
his bowl] His bowl is still full.
AL Hey, beef! Give it here. [gets up]
PEGGY It's Buck's, Al. Now listen. You're always complaining I don't get you food, so I got
you ribs. Now I want you to do something for me you've been promising for a long time.
AL [put a hand to his head] Uh, what's that you say, Peg? I-I'm sorry, it's just this
PEGGY Not that.
Al stops pretending.
PEGGY I meant something that would require movement on your part. I want you to fix the back
AL Wait a second, Peg, why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said, "let's get a
picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a
200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
PEGGY It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it
is not really your part time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans.
And now you wont even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?
AL Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly
kill him, and Kelly, well she'll grow up to believe that a two income family is a house
with two husbands.
PEGGY Now don't start with that "I don't do anything" crap, I take care of your children.
Bud appears at the top of the stairs.
BUD Mom, where's my socks?
PEGGY Honey, there's probably a pair in the hamper.
PEGGY Anyhow, Al, that hole is not only an eyesore, but I mean, what about Buck? He could
climb through and we'd never see him again.
AL Oh, that's a real danger, Peg. Watch this. [he runs to the front door and calls out to
Buck] Buck! Come here, boy! [opens the door] Come on, Buck. Freedom, boy. Go! Go!
Buck doesn't react at all.
AL He's got about as much chance of finding his way out as you do.
PEGGY It's not just Buck getting out, other dogs are getting in. And they're using our yard as
a public restroom.
Peggy sits on the couch.
AL Alright, alright! [sits next to Peg] I'll fix it tomorrow.
PEGGY Thanks, Al. Can I get you an aspirin?
AL I don't have a headache.
PEGGY Well good. [walking her fingers up Al's leg] Then that brings us to another little chore
our handyman has been neglecting.
Al's eyes widen.
AL [putting his hand to his head again] Ah gee, you better bring me three, Peg... [they
look at each other. Al removes his hand] Ahh, I guess I better get rid of all the dirty
work at one time. [Peggy smiles] I'll do it after I fix the fence.
Peggy kisses Al on the cheek.
Al and Peg are sitting on the couch, some time later.
PEGGY It's been two months, Al. When are you going to fix the fence?
AL Tomorrow, Peg.
PEGGY And that other thing we talked about?
AL [clearer] Tomorrow, Peg.
PEGGY We're getting complaints from the neighbors.
AL What... are we bringing down the block's average?
PEGGY We'd bring down the average at a nursing home. Look, I'm talking about the fence.
Remember how you said Buck couldn't find his way out? Well, he found his way out and he
has knocked up every dog in the neighborhood.
AL Well, that's ridiculous, Peg. He's a lifeless lump.
PEGGY We had two kids.
AL Then my work is done.
PEGGY Well, I'm sure he didn't learn anything from you, but they're blaming us anyway.
The doorbell rings. Peggy goes to answer it.
AL But I still can't believe it. How could that be? He tips over when he lifts his leg.
Peggy opens the door to one of the neighbors, Mr. Pitman.
Pitman walks in, carrying a small dog.
PEGGY Mr. Pitman!
PITMAN My dog's been soiled, Bundy. I demand satisfaction.
PEGGY Me too. Good luck.
AL What are you talking about, Pitman?
PITMAN My dog happens to be a champion purebred poodle. I was saving her to be mated with the
well-known champion Zeus of Olympus! But what do I find this morning when I come down to
give my dog her eye drops? I find that [points to Buck] beast with my champion Dowager
Duchess of Kankakee. I had her tested, Bundy - she's impregnated.
Buck immediately gets up and runs away.
PITMAN And now she's going to have stupid, ugly puppies. I was going to make a lot of money off
of proper breeding.
AL Well, that sort of makes you a dog pimp, doesn't it, Pitman?
PITMAN And it also sort of makes you the defendant in a lawsuit, doesn't it, Bundy?
AL You slapping my dog with a paternity suit? [the doorbell rings] You must be outta your
Peggy answers the door to Steve and Marcy. Steve is wiping his hands.
STEVE Al, you're not going to believe what just happened. I just delivered a litter of eleven
MARCY The mother was under our house undergoing a difficult labor, but luckily Steve took
charge. The puppies are very cute, but they seem awfully stupid.
PITMAN The wonder dog strikes again, eh Bundy?
STEVE What's going on?
PITMAN Buck Bundy impregnated my dog.
Steve and Marcy moan knowingly.
STEVE Gee, he's probably getting out through that hole in the fence, Al.
MARCY You know, as I was under our house witnessing the miracle of birth, it occurred to me
that this whole despicable episode could've been avoided if owners would only have their
pets spayed or neutered.
PEGGY Well that's an idea, Al. We could spay or neuter Buck.
AL Not a chance. Look, I'll just fix the fence, okay?
STEVE Well, I don't think that'll help much, Al. You know what they say, "how are going to
keep them down on the farm after they've poked Paris".
PITMAN You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
STEVE Aw, now, Mr. Pitman. Uh... look, how about this? If Al gets his dog neutered, [Al
reacts] will you forget about a lawsuit?
PITMAN Well, looking around it doesn't look like I could get much. Looks like you've already
been sued by life. [Peggy opens the door for him] Alright, I'll accept those terms. But
Bundy, I don't want your stupid dog near my poodle ever again! And while we're on the
subject, keep your daughter away from my son.
AL Well, she was probably just lending him a dress.
Peggy laughs. Mr. Pitman gives Al a stern look, then leaves.
STEVE Well, I guess that just goes to show you what can happen when you use a little
diplomacy. What a day, huh? I delivered a litter of puppies and still had time to save
your bacon. Brewskies, all around.
Steve heads to the kitchen.
AL [following him] Well, Steve, what can I say except that I wish you were dead...
PEGGY That's just Al's way of saying "thanks" for saving us hundreds of dollars that would've
taken Al thousands of years to make.
STEVE [giving Al a beer] You're welcome.
AL You're not. And I'm not neutering my dog. That's the way God made him and that's the way
PEGGY Al, he is climbing over every dog in the neighborhood.
AL Oh why, 'cause Pitman says so? How does he know? The man spells "sex" 9-7-6. Now look,
we all know Buck. Remember the time we had to pull his head out of the water dish to
keep him from drowning?
PEGGY He was only two, honey.
AL Oh please, the dog is incapable of thought, much less reproduction. I don't care what
anybody says. Buck is innocent until proven guilty.
Buck runs eagerly inside, followed by two dogs and they all run upstairs.
Moments later, Bud appears at the top of the stairs.
BUD Dad, the dogs are in your bedroom.
AL Well... do something!!
Bud disappears. A few seconds later, "When A Man Loves A Woman" is heard from the upstairs room.
Al looks steamed.
Steve and Marcy are sitting at the Bundy's kitchen table. Peggy brings them each a cuppa.
Al enters from the back door. His shirt is torn.
AL Well, the dogs are gone. There was line at the gate too, but I got rid of them. Where
PEGGY We were neutering the dog, Al. Oh but honey, before you take him down, could you ask him
for a few pointers?
AL Well, one thing that seems to work him was, there was no one lying there yelling a bunch
of instructions at him.
Steve and Marcy look uneasy.
PEGGY Well, you obviously didn't pay any attention to those charts I put up in the bathroom.
Steve and Marcy look disgusted.
AL I thought that meant "put the clothes in the hamper"?
PEGGY Hahaha. You've been missing that too, Al.
STEVE [getting up] Uhh, guys, please. Uh, look Al, why don't you just take him down, get him
neutered and be done with it?
AL Because I'm not neutering him.
Peggy is at the counter, preparing a salad.
PEGGY Oh, come on Al, it is no big thing.
Peggy slices the end of a cucumber. Steve and Al look at each other.
MARCY Al, you'll really be doing him a favor. I read that neutered dogs live longer, they're
calmer and they're more affectionate.
PEGGY Hm, makes them more affectionate, huh?
She looks at Al.
MARCY He won't even notice after a while.
AL Believe me, Marce, it's the kind of a thing a guy would notice.
PEGGY Come on, Al, it is a simple, painless operation.
Peggy cuts off two radishes from a stem.
AL I bought a male dog because I wanted a male dog.
STEVE He'll still be a male dog.
AL No he won't be a male dog, he'll be a... a thing. Like a, like a girl.
PEGGY Listen Al, let's be practical. Mr. Pitman won't sue if we have Buck neutered. And if the
court is going to award anyone what's left of your money, it's gonna be me.
MARCY [standing] Here here. Come on, Peggy. I'll get you the numbers of a couple of
vetenarians we met at our Animal Rights group.
PEGGY Oh, great.
MARCY Oh, and while you're there you've gotta see my new fox jacket.
Peggy laughs. The ladies leave. Al stands up next to Steve.
AL Well, are you happy now, Dr. Hack-em-off?
STEVE Come on, Al. Deep down you know it's the best thing for him.
Al and Steve sit on the couch with Buck. Steve crosses his legs.
STEVE You're making this sound a lot more gruesome than it is.
AL Oh really, Steve? Why are your legs crossed?
Steve uncrosses his legs.
STEVE They're not.
Just as Al begins talking, Steve crosses his legs again.
AL You know, I can't believe you're not with me on this thing, Steve. I mean, you, me and
Buck - we're guys. We were put on this Earth to roam, to conquer; to rule. Then we got
married so it's over for us, but uh... but Buck. He's in his prime. Look at him, Steve.
[Steve looks at him] You can't tell me you're not a little envious. He's got the life. A
new bitch every night, doesn't have to take them to dinner, doesn't have to dress up,
doesn't have to take a bath, and best of all... they're not there in the morning. Just
"woof woof, thank you, ma'am". Think about it, Steve.
STEVE Well, I really don't mind bathing, Al. Other than that he's everything I've ever wanted
AL And be like me, Steve -- live through him. You saw that little poodle he was with?
Steve, laughing, talks to Buck.
STEVE How was she?
Al and Steve giggle.
STEVE [with realization] What am I saying? This is a dog.
Peggy and Marcy enter.
PEGGY Marcy suggested this vet that's not too far from us. And guess what, Al, she's a woman.
AL Of course. What does she do? Nag 'em till they drop off?
PEGGY Al, there is a "stupid, ugly puppy" sale going on in every house on the block. They know
AL [getting up] Ah, wait a second, Peg. So it's all Buck's fault, huh? Well, if these
neighbors don't want any more puppies, let them spay their dogs.
MARCY Oh, that is so typically male. Birth control is always the woman's responsibility.
AL They have the babies!
MARCY God, you're a pig. [sits next to Steve] Well, it may surprise you, Al, but some feel
that responsibility should be shared equally. Right, Steve?
STEVE [patting Buck] Right, dear.
MARCY And some men even feel that it's their duty to assume the role of family planning.
STEVE Right, dear.
MARCY And after we have our little boy and little girl, Steve's going to have a vasectomy.
Steve looks up in fright.
STEVE Steve is going to have what, dear?
AL You know, Steve, like Buck - you've live longer, you'll be calmer...
STEVE Shut up, Al. [to Marcy] Uh, dear, we never talked about doing anything to, uh, "Mr.
MARCY Sure we did, Steve, we said that once we'd had our two children we'd stop.
STEVE Well, I guess I read "stop" a little differently than you did.
MARCY Just how did you read it, Steve? You're no better than Al.
PEGGY Now now, there is no need for insults.
Steve stands, making Marcy stand too.
STEVE Look, Marcy, all you have to do is take a pill.
MARCY The pill could be dangerous, Steve.
STEVE So could I if you try to rewire my plumbing.
AL [laughing] Ahh, this is just great! Buck's keeping his and Steve's losing his.
PEGGY Buck is not keeping his.
STEVE And Steve is not losing his.
MARCY Well, we'll see about that. [walks past him] Come on, Steve, we'll talk about this at
home. I can't believe you. It's just a simple, little operation.
STEVE [scoffs] Yeah, what if there's a slip-up? What if there's an Earthquake? What if the
doctor has hiccups? Then where would I be, huh? [they start out] Standing outside a
harem door in a diaper, that's where!
PEGGY Ah, he'll have it done. Anyway honey, I'm going to make an appointment for you and Buck
tomorrow at 10.
AL Now, wait a minute, Peg. We're going about this all wrong. It's not up to you, it's not
up it me. It's Bud's dog. Now you tell him we're neutering his dog and let him make the
decision. [calling] Bud! Come down here.
Bud comes downstairs.
BUD What, Dad?
Al gestures for Peggy to ask bud the question.
PEGGY Honey, is it alright if we neuter your dog?
Bud walks off.
Peggy, Al and Buck are sitting on the couch. Buck is lying across Al's lap.
AL Aww, Peg.
PEGGY Tomorrow at 10, Al.
AL Look at him. He knows.
PEGGY I've been looking at him for three years. He knows nothing.
AL That's not true, Peg. A hundred she-dogs can't be wrong. He knows... he knows one thing.
PEGGY Well, I'm going up to bed. [leaning in closer to Al] Oh, and speaking of that "one
thing", you wanna come up and join me?
AL In a little while, Peg. I want to spend the last night with my entire dog.
Peggy shakes her head and goes upstairs.
Al talks to buck.
AL There's a woman for ya. All day long it's, "hack 'em off, hack 'em off, hack 'em off"...
as soon as the sun goes down it's, "here boy, here boy, here boy". Listen, Buck, I
tried, huh? You know I tried. You understand, huh?
Al sighs and falls asleep.
He starts dreaming:
Al comes home from work.
AL I'm home, everybody! [no response] Hahaha. No thank you, I don't need anything. [he sits
on the couch with a sigh] Buck! Come here, boy!
Buck, at the fridge, is now the size of a normal man. He's wearing a tank top and boxer shorts.
He retrieves a beer from the fridge, then sits next to Al.
AL Hey, that looks good. Got one for me?
Buck gives Al a look.
AL Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?
BUCK Whadaya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can
rub my belly and see my shame?
AL You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate?
BUCK Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?
A dog is heard barking somewhere outside.
BUCK Yeah, not this year, honey!
AL Oh, come on, Buck. You can't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Hey, whadaya
say we go for a walk? I hear they painted the big hydrant at the end of the corner.
BUCK Nah. I hear a lot of the MALE dogs hang out there.
AL Alright, let's clear the air here. This was for your own good.
BUCK Oh, thank you, Master! You know, my head is a great source of pleasure to me too, how
'bout cutting that off?
AL Come on, Buck! Don't you think I feel bad enough?
AL Well, what can I do to make it up to ya? I know! How 'bout a shiny new collar?
BUCK [with even more sarcasm] Oh, yeah! That's much better than what I had before! Gee, how
'bout one with studs? You know, to impress the ladies? That is before they find out I'M
AL [patting him] Come on, boy...
BUCK [getting up] keep your hands off me.
AL Getting a little testy, aren't you, boy?
Buck turns around and glares at Al, growling.
BUCK Well, Bundy, I guess you're pretty darn proud of yourself, huh?
AL Oh, come on, Buck, I tried to stop this.
BUCK You might have tried a little harder!
AL Well, I know! Why don't we do something to get your mind off it? Hey, [picking up the
remote] you wanna watch the Bears game?
BUCK Oh, I don't know. I'm not much into sports anymore. How about taking me to a Peter Allen
AL Ahh! What have I done!? Oh, Buck, I didn't want this to happen.
BUCK I know you didn't, Bundy. And that, that's what makes it even harder to swallow. Ah,
what's the difference? I'm sick of the sight of ya.
Buck starts towards the door.
AL Where are you going?
BUCK Oh, I guess I'll go out and sniff a few butts for old time's sake.
Buck opens the front door. Two psycho killers, complete with a chainsaw, come in.
CHAINSAW Hi, we're insane killers.
Buck welcomes them in.
AL [in fear] Sic 'em, Buck!
Buck laughs evilly. The killer starts his chainsaw and holds it over his head. Buck leaves.
AL Buck! Oh, Buck! Extra yummies...
Al screams in horror. The dream ends.
The sound of the chainsaw now becomes the whirring of a blender Peggy is using in the kitchen.
Al comes downstairs. Buck is on the couch. Al looks at him.
PEGGY Well, today's the day.
AL Do I have to, Peg?
PEGGY Oh honey, everybody says that this is the best thing for Buck. We've had all the
arguments and there is not one good reason not to do this.
AL He knows, Peg. Look how he's looking at me.
PEGGY He's looking at me, Al. And he's thinking what everybody who looks at me thinks - "that
poor woman". Just take him down. I'll go get his leash.
Peggy gets the leash. Buck "talks" to Al.
BUCK [in Al's head] You know what you have to do.
Al cringes and nods sadly. Peggy returns with the leash.
AL You look real nice today, Peg.
PEGGY Thanks, Al.
AL Wanna go upstairs?
PEGGY For what?
AL "It", Peg. I'm in the mood.
Peggy immediately drops the leash and grabs Al's hand.
PEGGY Let's go!
She leads Al towards the stairs.
PEGGY You can always take Buck next weekend. That is unless you're... [smiles] busy next
AL Go on upstairs, Peg, I'll be right up.
Peggy runs anxiously up the stairs. Al speaks to Buck.
AL You owe me big.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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