0112 (012)


Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

No Guest Cast.



The Bundy living room.
Peggy is lying on the couch reading a magazine.

PEGGY    Al! Come on down itís time for work. [pause] Come on, honey. Iím making you a nice hot
         breakfast. Just listen to that bacon sizzle.

Peggy picks up some cellophane and rustles it to make a frying bacon sound.
The doorbell rings and Peggy gets up to answer it.

AL       [o.s.] Keep it hot, Peg. Iíll be down in a minute.

PEGGY    Sure I will.

Peggy opens the door to Marcy.

MARCY    Peggy Iíve got some great news. Two men came to our house this morning...

PEGGY    Al, Iím going over to Marcyís!

MARCY    Theyíre gone now.

PEGGY    Oh.

Al comes down the stairs.

PEGGY    Al, Marcyís here.

AL       Nice try Peg, but Iím still hungry.

Al and Peggy move over to the kitchen.

AL       Whereís my breakfast?

PEGGY    The dog ate it.

AL       I see he put the pots and pans away too.

Marcy comes over.

MARCY    Al, I was just telling Peggy about this great idea. You know that little hole in your
         driveway, the one all the neighborhood children splash and play in after it rains? Well,
         these guys just finished a major re-paving job a couple of blocks from here and they
         offered to re-do both our driveways for only $500. Isnít that great?

PEGGY    I dunno. I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago but his philosophy is,
         "why improve a home youíre only gonna live in anyway?"

Peggy gives Al some juice. Marcy sits.

MARCY    Al, can you think of a better way to raise the value of your home and save a little
         money into the bargain?

AL       Sure. [to Peggy] Pack your bags, hon.

Al and Peggy laugh. Peggy sits.

MARCY    Look, they said we have to do this right away or theyíll be gone. And I think itís a
         great deal.

AL       Uh-huh. What does Steve think?

MARCY    Well, heís in Buffalo at a meeting of tellers against the penny. Steve firmly believes
         the one cent piece is a thing of the past. 

AL       Well, Iím sure the feeling is mutual.

Al gets up and takes his juice over to the couch. Peggy follows him.

PEGGY    Come on Al, make a decision. These guys are leaving the neighborhood.

AL       Of course theyíre leaving the neighborhood, these guys are crooks. First you gotta
         believe they just happen to be in the neighborhood and second, we have to believe that
         two guys see Marcy and are willing to come back. I mean is there nothiní so stupid that
         some woman wonít fall for it? 

Al sits on the couch.

PEGGY    I fell for you, sweetie.

MARCY    How could you marry such a chauvinistic, sexist man?

PEGGY    A dare.

AL†††    Look Iím not sexist. Iím just saying women donít know nothiní. Asphalt and finances are
         male oriented fields and since Steve is as close to a male as you have, he should be in
         on the decision.

MARCY    Iíll have you know I have a degree in economics and work as a loan officer in a bank.
         [she sits on the chair] So if anything I am more qualified to make financial
         decisions than you are.

AL       As good as you bankers may be at saying, "Weíre sorry, Farmer Brown, weíre foreclosing,
         go sell pencils." In this house Iím the boss and I make the financial decisions.

PEGGY    [sitting next to Al] Oh, and what a shrewd financial decider he is too. Come on, honey
         tell her about the time you shrewdly decided not to buy into that property that some 
         sucker built the Sears Tower on.

AL       Donít forget Peg, the money we saved there allowed us to buy that two-thirds acre on
         lake Chicamocomico. It may not look like much now but when they figure out how to keep
         plants and animals alive in there thatís gonna be quite a little paradise.

MARCY    Iíll bet. But Al, I know a good thing when I see it too and even without you the deal is 
         still a good one and Iím going to do it. 

AL       Well you are woman, go out and roar.

Al dips his finger in his juice then licks his finger

AL       Mmm, Iím full. Peg, as usual every dayís thanksgiving. 

Al gets up and heads for the front door.

AL       Iím goiní to work. Marce, Iíll see ya tonight.

MARCY    What for?

AL       Well after these guys rip you off youíll be back to tell me I was right. ĎCause I will

MARCY    Youíre that sure of yourself?

AL       Marcy, Iíd bet my retirement property on it, if the army didnít have it padlocked.

Al laughs and leaves.

MARCY    Peggy, I cannot for the life of me understand why you live with that man.

PEGGY    Well in Alís defence, what with overtime, television and the bathroom I really donít see 
         him very much.

MARCY    See ya later.

Marcy walks over to the door and opens it.
Bud rushes in.

BUD      Mom, big news down the block. The cops just arrested these two guys trying to pull the
         old asphalt scam.

PEGGY    They what?

BUD      Yeah, you know, the one where they offer to re-do your drive way real cheap, but they
         just use oil. So when it rains it all washes away.

Marcy looks dejected.

BUD      Youíd have to be a real feeb to fall for that one.

Peggy lifts up the phone and starts to dial. Marcy walks over to Peggy.

MARCY    Who are you calling?

PEGGY    Alís mother. I told him Iíd invite her for summer next time he was right about anything.

MARCY    How do you think heíll take it?

PEGGY    Take what?

Peggy holds the phone away from her ear.

PHONE    Hello?

MARCY    My having to tell Al he was right.

PEGGY    Youíre not seriously going to do that are you?


MARCY    Well I have too. Heís bound to find out, if he hasnít already.

PEGGY    Marcy, let me tell you somethiní...

PHONE    Peggy, is that you?

Peggy hangs up the phone.

PEGGY    In the sixteen years Iíve been married to Al Iíve learned there are certain things never
         to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless womenís
         gymnastics are on, then you gotta shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning, he
         thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him heís right. 

MARCY    Why?

PEGGY    Because heís a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks heís right
         is Al. Believe me I know this from experience. Let me tell you a story.

They both sit on the couch.

PEGGY    A few years after we were married I told Al I could hold up a fender so he could fix
         the flat tyre. He said, no let a man do it. I said I could. So to make a long story
         short a man had to set his leg that night. But to this day whenever I ask Al to do
         somethiní for me that he doesnít wanna do he lifts up that leg and says he canít and
         itís my fault. The worst part about it is, heís right. Marcy, donít let him lift his leg 
         on you.


Marcy is alone in bed. She is tossing and turning in her sleep.
We hear the voices in Marcyís dream.

AL ††    [in dream] Guess Iíll see you tonight, Marce.

MARCY    [in dream] What for?

AL       [in dream] To tell me I was right.

PEGGY    [in dream] Youíre not seriously gonna do that are you?

AL       [in dream] Tell me I was right... Tell me I was right... I was right...

STEVE    [o.s.] Marcy, Iím back.

Marcy wakes up.

MARCY    Steve! I thought you werenít due back Ďtil tomorrow night.

STEVE    [o.s.] I missed you.

Steve enters, removes his jacket and hangs it in the closet. He has his back turned towards

STEVE    Sorry I didnít call. So, ya wanna fool around?

MARCY    Sure.

Steve turns round to face Marcy. To Marcyís horror Steve has turned into Al.

AL       Iím so glad to hear that.

Marcy wakes up, breathless and frightened.


The Bundy living room.
The door bell rings and Peggy answers it. Marcy enters.

MARCY    I havenít slept in eighteen hours.

Marcy sits on the couch.

PEGGY    Oh, Steveís not back yet and you have those empty bed blues, huh? 

MARCY    Well, yes and no. Peggy, do you ever dream?

PEGGY    Nah! Why dream when I have all this?

MARCY    No, I mean do you ever have dreams, nightmares? I had a real doozie last night.

PEGGY    What about?

MARCY    Al.

PEGGY    AL? My Al?

MARCY    Yeh. See, I was asleep and...

PEGGY    [cutting her off] Did he have feet?

MARCY    Beg pardon?

PEGGY    Itís funny, I my dreams Al never has any feet. Aw well, go on.

MARCY    Well I my dream Steve came in and asked me if I wanted to fool around and when I said
         yes, he turned and it was Al.

PEGGY    My Al? Then what happened?

MARCY    Nothing.

PEGGY    Yup, sounds like my Al.

MARCY    I hope you're not upset, Peggy.

PEGGY    About a dream? Donít be silly, Marce. If youíd dream that Al was in your bedroom I
         should be apologising to you.

MARCY    Thanks, Peg.

Marcy gets up and walks towards the door but turns back.

MARCY    Oh! Could you do me a favor, please donít tell Al about this.

PEGGY    Donít worry. But could you do something for me?

MARCY    What?

PEGGY    If you ever dream about Al again, could you check to see if he has any feet? It really
         bothers me.

MARCY    Sure thing.

Marcy turns around to leave just as Al comes in.

AL       Hi Marce, Hi Peg.

MARCY    Bye Peggy, Al.

Marcy sheepishly walks past Al and leaves.

AL       Whatís with her?

PEGGY    Oh, she had a dream she slept with you last night

They both sit on the couch. Al laughs.

AL      Heh Heh Heh. Yeh sheís a lucky gal!


Marcy is in bed, tossing and turning.

STEVE    [o.s.] Marcy Iím home.

Marcy wakes up.

MARCY    Steve?

STEVE    [o.s] Yeh.

Steve enters, removes his jacket and hangs it in the closet. He has his back turned towards

STEVE    Sorry Iím late, honey. The pro-penny people pelted us with nickels.

Marcy sits up and looks at Steve.

STEVE    Did I wake you?

Steve turns to face Marcy. Marcy is relieved to see it is Steve.
MARCY    Steve! It is you!

STEVE    Of course itís me. Gimme a hug.

Marcy jumps out of bed and runs over to Steve. They hug.

STEVE    Ya miss me?

MARCY    Hmmm.

STEVE    Donít worry. Daddyís home.

Steve and Marcy stop hugging. Marcy looks up at Steve and he has turned into Al.

AL       ...and Daddyís gonna make it all better.

Marcy wakes up, panting. She is alone in bed.

STEVE    [o.s.] Marcy, Iím home.

Steve enters.

STEVE    Oh hon. You wouldnít believe the traffic over O'Hare tonight.

Steve removes his jacket and hangs it in the closet. He has his back turned towards Marcy.
Marcy stares at him intensely.

STEVE    I swear. Some day thatís where there gonna find Amelia Airheart. [he turns around and
         walks over to Marcy] But the eagle has landed. [he lies on the bed next to Marcy] You
         wanna fool around?

Marcy covers her mouth, gets up and runs into the bathroom to be sick.



Peggy is in the kitchen setting the table.
Kelly comes in carrying a pizza box under her arm.

KELLY    Pizza's here.

PEGGY    Kelly, you know thatís not the way to hold a pizza.

KELLY    Mom. Have you ever tried to carry one of these things sittiní on the back of a Harley
         goiní sixty while trying to hold on to a fat guy whoís weariní nothing but chains and
         black leather?

PEGGY   Yes I have. And thatís not the way to do it.

Peggy takes the pizza from Kelly and puts it on the table.

KELLY    Mom. Are we gonna do anything different this summer?

PEGGY    Well, Daddy got seats for the ball game again.

KELLY    Oh puke! 

PEGGY    I thought you liked the Cubs.

KELLY    I do. I just hate watchiní them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad
         always gets the seats.

PEGGY    Well honey. Maybe some day theyíll forget about that fan interference call that kept
         the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.

KELLY    I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doiní the wave.

Kelly heads upstairs. 
The doorbell rings and Peggy answers it. A very tired looking Marcy comes in.

PEGGY    Marcy, youíre a wreck! [they move over to the couch] Oh I see, Steve got back and you
         two were at it all night.

MARCY    No. I had that dream again. With Al.

Peggy looks upset.

MARCY    This is the part where youíre supposed to make a joke about Al being quick in the sack
         so I can laugh and see youíre not really mad or anything.

PEGGY    Marcy, thatís two nights in a row. Al hasnít been quick in the sack with me for two
         nights in a row in years.

MARCY    Hey. You think Iím enjoying this? I was throwing up all night.

PEGGY    Well so did I at first, but it passes!

Peggy and Marcy stand up.

MARCY    What ever happened to "itís only a dream, donít worry about it"? Peggy canít you see
         what hell my lifeís becoming? I havenít slept in forty-eight hours and Steveís mad at me
        Ďcause every time he brings up sex I get sick. And now youíre yelling at me.

PEGGY    And why not? Youíre the one dreaming around with my husband.

Al enters.

AL       Hey Peg.

PEGGY    Huh! 

Peggy walks away. Al moves over to Marcy.

AL       Hey Marce.

Al takes off his jacket. He thrusts his chest out towards Marcy.

AL       Well, I tell ya, what a day.

Marcy looks away. Al moves his bicep under Marcyís face and flexes his muscles as he talks.

AL       All day long itís, pick up the shoe, put down the shoe, pick up the shoe. Hey tomorrow
         may be a good day for you Marce, tomorrow I wash the car. [posing in front of Marcy] In
         my t-shirt.

Marcy walks over to Peggy.

MARCY    I canít believe you told him.

PEGGY    I canít believe you dream about him.

AL       I canít believe everybody doesnít!

MARCY    Iím mortified!

AL       Well, get happy!

Al starts posing in front of Marcy. Marcy is nauseous and runs out.

AL       Ah Peg. It looks like another little filly in the old Bundy stable. [he sits, still
         flexing and posing] Get me a beer will ya?

PEGGY    Al. What are you doing in Marcyís dream?

AL       [still flexing] Ruining her for all other men. [he kisses his bicep]

Peggy starts pacing behind the couch, wagging her finger in an angry manner.

PEGGY    You are doing something to cause those dreams. Now I donít know what it is but want you
         to cut it out.

AL       Well Iíll cut it out Peg, just tell me what to do. What should I do? Stop wearing
         t-shirts? Stop oozing sex from every pore?

PEGGY    That isnít sex, Al.

AL       What should I do Peg?

Peggy leans across the couch towards Al.

PEGGY    Well, you could come up stairs and be my dream lover for a while.

AL       Aw! Peg. Not tonight. [he holds up his leg and pretends to be in pain] Itís this leg,
         itís been acting up again. Ever since that night with the car. 

Peggy paces behind the couch and starts nagging like crazy.

PEGGY    Fine. Fine. Letís just discus who elseís dreams youíve been gallivanting around in. [Al
         slumps down in the couch] Perhaps Mrs Prichard across the street, Iíve seen how she
         looks at you over her walker, if you think Iím gonna put up with... 

As Al slowly loses the will to live, we fade to...


Marcy is sitting on her bed reading a book titled ĎBasic Dream Interpretationí.
Steve comes in from the bathroom, he is dressed in his pyjamas.

STEVE    [singing] "If you want my body and you think Iím sexy, come on sugar, let me know"...

Steve joins Marcy on the bed. Marcy continues to read.

STEVE    [singing emphatically] "If you really need me just reach out and touch me..."

MARCY    Steve, please Iím trying to read.

STEVE    You donít have to stop, just let me get a hammer and Iíll nail that sucker to the

Steve tries to get Marcy to lie down but she sits back up again.

MARCY    Steve, I have a question. Do you think itís possible to dream that youíre interpreting a
         dream or must you be awake to do this? And what are dreams anyway? Could we just be the
         dreams of some greater sleeping being and, if so, are we then in fact real?

Steve just stares at her.

STEVE    I want sex, Marcy.

MARCY    I think Iím getting nauseous.

Marcy gets up and runs into the bathroom.

STEVE    Alright thatís it! [he gets up and walks over to the bathroom door] Look, Iíve asked
         more than a couple of women to go to bed with me in my time and, while I admit, some of
         their responses may be somewhat cruel, not very many jumped up and stuck their heads in
         the toilet. Now something strange is going on here and I demand to know what it is.
         Donít toy with me Marcy, Iím horny and Iíve been to Buffalo.

Steve walks over to the bed and sits. Marcy comes out of the bathroom and joins Steve on the

MARCY    Well ok, Iíll tell you but you have to promise not to get angry.

STEVE    Fine.

MARCY    Well itís like this...

We cut to an exterior shot of the Rhoades house.

STEVE    [screaming] AL!?!?


The Bundy living room.
Al is slumped on the couch with his tie undone and his shirt open. 
Peggy is on the stairs, wearing her night clothes, and still nagging.

PEGGY    ...and where are you when I dream? Where were you when I dreamt I was drowning?

AL       How could I swim? You said I have no feet.

PEGGY    If you loved me you would have paddled!

Peggy storms upstairs.
There is a sharp knock at the door.

AL       Who is it?

STEVE    [o.s.] Steven Bartholomew Rhoades.

Al gets up to answer the door.

AL       Bartholomew!?

Al opens the door.

STEVE    Al, Iím horny. What are you gonna do about it?

Al pulls Steve inside.

AL       Get in here. Donít go yelliní things like that. I got kids up there, or out there,
         somewhere. I donít know.

Peggy comes down stairs.

PEGGY    Did she tell you, Steve?

STEVE    Yes, Peggy. 

Steve takes Peggyís hand and they walk over to the kitchen.

PEGGY    Heís an animal.

STEVE    I donít know what happened. I go outta town for one day, I come back and my wifeís
         throwing up and dreaming sheís sleeping with your husband. I guess that why they call it 
         the blues.

AL       Iím getting outta here, You two can go on blaming me for the dreams of a totally 
         insane woman. Iím goiní to a hotel. [pause] Better make it the Y. I donít want any women 
         to see me.

Al walks outside to the front of the house.
Marcy arrives. She is in her nightgown and carrying the ĎBasic Dream Interpretationí book.

AL       Well look whoís here, the dream weaver. Why canít you have normal dreams like me? You
         know, where your Maharaja Bundy, you know, and women with four breasts feed you

MARCY    Is Steve in there?

AL       No! There are no other men in my dream, just Phil Donahue and we feed him to the lizard

MARCY    No, I meant is Steve in your house?

AL       Oh! Yeah. He and Peg want me dead. You, you just want me.

MARCY    Sit down, Al.

They walk over to the seat. Al goes to sit but hesitates.

AL       Youíre not gonna be lookiní at my butt or anything are you?

MARCY    I think I can guarantee that, sit down Al.

AL       All right. [he sits] What is it?

Marcy sits next to him.

MARCY    I know now why I was having those dreams Al. Remember those driveway re-pavers you said
         were going to rip me off? They were, Al. But I never told you and the guilt I had
         manifested itself in my dreams.

AL       But I thought that...

MARCY    That I desired you? Ha! No, Al.

Marcy stands.

MARCY    I was being punished, much as sex with you must actually be like. So now in order to rid 
         myself of the guilt and those horrible, horrible dreams. Iíve come to say, you were
         right. You hear that Al. You were right and I was wrong. [she sits] Youíre the man and 
         Iím the woman and in this case the man was right. The man knew better than the woman.
         The woman should have listened to the man, are you satisfied Al, is that what you want
         to hear??

AL       Wait a second, hold on a second... You didnít desire me?

MARCY    You didnít even have feet!

Steve comes out of the house and joins Al and Marcy.

STEVE    Marcy. I thought I heard you out here. Whatís going on? 

Marcy gets up and walks over to Steve.

MARCY    Oh nothiní, just purging myself thatís all.

STEVE    Oh honey, not again.

MARCY    Not that. Everythingís fine now, letís go home.

STEVE    You mean home as in...

MARCY    Last one up has to read the ceiling.

Marcy runs off.

STEVE    Iím gonna have sex, Al.

Steve runs off after Marcy.
Al lifts his foot and starts rubbing his ankle.

AL       Whatís everybody talkiní about? I got feet.

Al goes inside.
Peggy is pacing up and down.

PEGGY    Al, Steve and I were talkiní about you being in Marcyís dream and...

AL       I was right about it being stupid to blame me.

PEGGY    Youíre not gonna lord this over me are you?

AL       Sure I am, Peg.

PEGGY    Well, Iím goiní up to bed now.

AL       Good.

Al sits on the couch.

PEGGY    Why donít you come on up and show me what dreams are really made of?

Peggy leans over and kisses Al on the cheek.

AL       Iíll be up in a little bit, Peg.

Peggy heads upstairs.
Al looks at his feet, shrugs and lies back on the couch.

AL       Well, at least itís all over.

Al rests his head on the back of the couch and shuts his eyes.

PEGGY    [o.s.] Al, Al! You cominí up?

AL       I said Iíd be up in a second, Peg.

Peggy comes down stairs and stands behind the couch. She starts massaging the back of Alís head.

AL       I said Iíd be right up.

Al looks up at Peggy -- she has turned into Marcy.

MARCY    [seductively] Well donít wait too long, tiger.

The scene changes to the exterior of the Bundy house.
We hear Al scream with terror.

AL       Ahhhhhh!!!


Transcribed by SingleGuy


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