WHERE'S THE BOSS?
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades..............David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog
Peggy is using an electric can opener to open a can of tuna, while behind her Kelly is setting
the table. There are several plates with food on the counter. Bud enters through the washing
room and walks over to Peggy.
BUD Mom, you're cooking!
PEGGY Well, it's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.
Bud walks over to Kelly.
BUD You know Kel, for a while there I was catching up to you. Another couple of years and
we'd have been in the same grade. You could've gone out with my friend Moosey. [smiles]
KELLY Oh, I couldn't! Word around school is that you're dating him. [smiles sweetly]
Peg brings two plates to the kitchen table.
PEGGY Come on now kids, we're Bundys. How often do we get to be happy?
Peg chuckles and sighs. She puts her arm around Kelly's shoulder.
PEGGY Kelly, I'm so proud of you. I remember your first day of school. How we both cried. And
then you discovered boys and I discovered daytime television. [chuckles] You know, one
of these days you're gonna marry one of those boys, and then you'll discover daytime
KELLY Is it okay if I have a life first, mom?
PEGGY Sure. Give it a try.
Peggy walks back to the kitchen. Al comes in and waves hello.
PEGGY Hi honey.
Al walks over to Peggy.
AL Peg, I heard some bad news on the radio driving home.
PEGGY Hmph. "You don't use it, you lose it"?
AL What do I care, you already got it. Anyway, you know Gary, the guy who owns the shoe
store. Well, he was in a plane that crashed into the ocean off the coast of Hawaii.
PEGGY Gee, everybody gets to go to Hawaii but us.
Peggy places two more plates on the table.
AL Peg, for a change you don't understand. A human life has just been snuffed out. Now
who's gonna sign my paycheck?
PEGGY What's to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels.
AL Well, it isn't anything compared to what you bring home. You know, like the swine flu
you brought back from your family reunion. Look, I could end up unemployed here! Now how
am I gonna pay my bills?
BUD Well, if Kelly ever graduates, we're gonna have a heck of a lawsuit against the Board of
AL We can't count on that, Bud.
KELLY You know, they already call us "the poor Bundys". I mean, what will they call us when we
have no money?
BUD "Those darn poachers"?
AL Ah, what am I worried about. They're not gonna fire me. I got exprience, I got... Well,
they're not gonna fire me. You know what really bothers me about this death thing? Here's
a guy lying dead on the bottom of the ocean, and he never even took the time to meet me.
Al sits down on the couch.
PEGGY Well, I bet he's sorry now, Al.
AL Yeah, you bet. You know, I worked for this guy for years and he never even knew that I
was alive. You know, I never thought of this before, but I deserve some recognition.
Everybody deserves a pat on the back every now and then.
PEGGY Yeah, what about me, Al?
Peggy sits down next to Al.
AL I'm sorry, honey, I was talking about people who work. Well, now there'll be new owners
that will ignore me. Well, you know, after the family stops bereaving and all.
PEGGY You know, Al, maybe we should send something special to the family.
AL Yeah? How about some scuba gear and a body bag?
Al and Peggy laugh.
AL Uh, no, you're right, Peg. We oughta get something. Yeah, get something big and
expensive. Yeah, I don't think they'd appreciate your father, so, uh, I guess we'll have
to do with flowers.
PEGGY Al, you never even met Gary.
AL But Peg, that's the whole point. When they see my present, they'll remember Al Bundy.
PEGGY Well, if you wanted that, why don't you just send them your socks?
Bud, who is eating at the kitchen table, turns around holding a piece of tuna on his fork.
BUD Mom, how do we know this tuna isn't dad's boss?
Kelly freezes with her fork halfway to her mouth.
PEGGY 'Cause we bought it last year.
Bud and Kelly nod in agreement and continue eating.
AL I'm gonna call the florist right now.
PEGGY You know, Al, all this talk about death really makes you think. [puts her hand around
Al's shoulder] I mean, one minute the breadwinner is still alive, and then the next --
You have insurance, don't you, Al?
Peggy comes down the stairs looking at a magazine.
PEGGY [calling out] Kelly, the guys in here are naked! If I ever see anything like this in
your room again you can just kiss it goodbye. [stops and looks at the magazine. To the
Peggy kisses the picture in the magazine and walks with it to the couch. Al comes in.
AL Well, I sent the flowers out. I sent so many flowers they'll forget all about Gary.
Al sits down on the couch next to Peggy, who is skimming through the magazine.
PEGGY Do you ever think about sending me flowers, Al?
AL Why would I do that? You're still alive. [looks at his watch] Well, they should have
been delivered by now. Stay off the phone, the family will probably be calling any
minute. For three hundred bucks they'd better.
PEGGY Three hundred dollars?? Al, where did you get three hundred dollars?
AL Our vacation money.
PEGGY [disappointed] Oh, Al. I was planning on spending that on clothes.
AL It's all right. Our future begins with Gary's death. Now...
Al walks over to the phone at the other side of the couch, rubbing his hands together.
AL [talking to the phone] Come on, phone, ring. Tell me you got the flowers. "What a guy.
We're gonna give you a raise". Come on, ring.
The doorbell rings. Al picks up the phone receiver.
PEGGY Al, it's the door.
AL Well get it, I'm on the phone. [Into the receiver:] Hello?
Peggy gets up and opens the door. Steve and Marcy are standing outside.
STEVE Hey Al, did you hear about Gary?
AL Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's dead, great tragedy and all that. Stay off my phone.
A faint ding is heard. Al picks up the phone receiver again.
PEGGY That's the oven timer, Al.
AL You cooked?
PEGGY Nah, it's just a reminder to order dinner.
Peggy sits down on the couch next to Al.
AL [to Steve and Marcy] Don't use my phone. Gary's widow is gonna call me.
MARCY Uh, no she's not, Al. Gary's not dead. We just heard it on the news.
AL He's alive? Are you sure?
Steve and Marcy nod.
STEVE Your boss is quite a guy, Al. A self-made millionaire. He was flying his own jet, had an
equipment failure, bailed out and washed ashore at a topless hula school. They made a
litter for him out of their grass skirts and nursed him back to health. They think he's
a god. So do I.
Steve sits in the small couch.
PEGGY Ah gee, isn't that great news, Al? You just spent three hundred dollars on flowers for a
millionaire, so that your family could starve and your wife could go naked.
AL Believe me Peg, I'd kill before I let you go naked. And no jury would convict me, either.
[thoughtfully] All right, all right, so this guy is still alive. Fine. Good. Uh, so when
he gets home, he'll see the flowers, he'll see how much I care, and, uh, I'll still get
my raise. [reassured] This'll be the best three-hundred bucks I ever spent!
MARCY I don't think he's going to see your flowers, Al. They said the family sent all the
flowers out to his favorite charities.
PEGGY [bitterly] Oh, well, gee, I - I hope they send some to the Poor and Stupid Home, 'cause
that's where we'll be in a few years.
AL I told you we're not gonna live with your mother.
Al gets up and walks over to the kitchen. Peg follows him.
PEGGY Well Al, at least you have a boss who's still alive.
AL Stand back, it's Mardi Gras time! So I got the same stinking job I always had, but I'm
out three hundred bucks.
Al takes a can of beer out of the refrigirator.
AL The only thing I wanted out of this death was a little recognition. Now, not only is Gary
not dead, he still doesn't know I'm alive!
PEGGY Well, you know, honey, sometimes at night I'm not sure either. But then you burp.
AL You know, Peg, why don't we just get you a pointed hat with a bell on top. Then you could
squirt me with seltzer and everything. Doesn't anybody understand what I'm talking about?
I work for a guy who wouldn't spit on me if he saw me.
Steve gets up and faces Al.
STEVE Ah, come on, Al. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure he'd spit on you if he saw you.
AL Yeah, I'm sure you're out there shooting hoops with Mr. Savings & Loans.
STEVE Look, I don't know the guy who owns the bank. Who knows his boss today? Who cares?
AL Well, I do. I'm gonna meet my boss. He owes me that. I'm tracking him down. I'm going to
give Gary thirty days to meet me face to face in Chicago. He's gonna shake my hand, he's
gonna say: "Thank you, Al Bundy, nice job."
PEGGY And what if he doesn't?
AL Then I'm going to quit.
Bud is doing his homework at the kitchen table. Peg gets a jar of milk from the refrigerator
and pours some into Bud's cup, humming.
BUD Mom, what are you humming about? This is the day dad said he's gonna quit.
PEGGY So young, so young. Your father's not gonna quit.
BUD From the time he gets home till the time he goes to sleep, he hasn't talked about
PEGGY Yes, but have you noticed in the last week he hasn't mentioned it at all?
Peg sits down next to Bud.
PEGGY That's just your father's way of saying: "oops!". [laughs] Don't worry, your father's
not gonna quit.
BUD I dunno. He's a proud man, mom.
PEGGY Of what, dear?
BUD I dunno. But in case you're wrong, I figured out a couple of ways for us to cut back.
Oddly enough, they all involve Kelly. I say we make a clean break right now, before we
come attached to her.
PEGGY Bud, she's my daughter.
BUD She's my sister and I'm willing to give her up...
Kelly comes in holding a newspaper.
KELLY All right, who put this ad in the paper: [reads] "Cheap blonde, sixteen, looks thirty,
seeks job out of state. No reading or writing please"?
Bud looks pleased with himself. Peggy looks at him reprovingly.
KELLY Now listen. The day that I have to get a job is the day that I walk out of this house.
PEGGY I feel the same way.
Kelly joins Bud and Peg at the kitchen table.
KELLY [to Peg] Dad's not really gonna quit, is he? I mean, it's like you always tell me: if a
man doesn't work, he's no use at all.
PEGGY Don't you think your father knows that? [chuckles] Just don't say anything to anyone
about Gary, and I'm sure this whole thing will blow over. As long as no one knows, your
father will never quit.
Frame flips to the shoe store.
A small crowd, consisting of three women (among them a large one named Nancy), a mall guard
and two mall salesmen (named Bart and Happy) has gathered at the shoe store and is counting
backwards. Behind them is a banner that reads: "SO LONG, AL".
CROWD Five, four, three, two, one... Goodbye, Al!
They cheer and whistle. Al walks out of the stock room.
NANCY So long, shoe man.
AL You guys are pretty jolly. Don't you understand I'm doing this for us, the little guys -
and one large woman? If I can meet my boss, maybe you can meet yours.
HAPPY I don't wanna meet my boss, Al. I steal.
NANCY Hey, we came to see you leave. Don't let us down.
AL I'm going, I'm going. Wait a second. [To the guard:] Have you seen any sign of a rich
guy in the parking lot? A helicopter, a plane, a guy in a suit, anything.
GUARD Let me check. [on his walkie talkie:] Hey Ed, you see the rich guy coming?
We hear Ed's voice over the walkie talkie, with an alarm wailing in the background.
ED [v.o.] I can't quite hear you. Some guy in a ski mask just set off his car alarm trying
to get in. [calling out] Hey mister, no need to break that window! I got a coat-hanger
you can use.
Al and the guard stop listening to the walkie talkie.
NANCY Look, I got another appointment, so if you're not gonna leave, at least impale yourself
on your shoehorn.
AL All right, I said I was going, and I'm going. But lemme tell you something: I'm not
gonna just disappear. You'll see me again. Wherever a fat woman shoves her smelly foot
in front of some poor guy's face - I'll be there. Wherever someone comes into the store
and tries to exchange a pair of shoes he's been wearing for three months - I'll be there.
Whenever kids come into the store, take off their old shoes and try to sneak out with new
ones - I'll be there, too. [To Nancy:] Madame, when Shamu needs a mate - you'll be there.
Al takes a key out of his shirt pocket, places it on the counter and leaves.
Al is sitting at the kitchen table in his pajamas, holding a newspaper and staring blankly into
space. Behind him, Peggy is putting clothes in the hamper. She notices a large hole in one of
the socks, and staples it shut. She puts the stapler down and sits next to Al.
PEGGY Gee Al, it's almost three o'clock in the afternoon. You think you might wanna get
AL What for?
PEGGY Aesthetics. So you look more dignified when you go beg for your job back.
AL I can't do that. You know what would happen if I went back?
PEGGY Yeah, I could go back to enjoying my days.
AL What, do you think I like being here with you? Look, it's not like I haven't checked out
the want ads. Look at this.
Al shows Peggy the newspaper.
AL All these jobs want a college degree, or computer skills, or worse - references. What am
I supposed to do, stoop as low as this cheap blonde who can't read or write? I dunno,
maybe I should've gone into my father's line of work.
PEGGY Al, they have automatic pinsetters now.
AL Ah, it's probably just as well. I remember many's the night he'd wake up in a cold sweat,
yelling: "Wait! Wait!"
Al gets up and walks over to the couch.
PEGGY [calling out] Hey kids, your father just moved!
Al sits down on the couch and turns the TV on. Peggy gets up.
PEGGY What are you doing?
AL I'm gonna watch the ball game.
PEGGY Excuse me! "Spell That Word" is coming on.
Peggy sits down next to Al.
PEG And Al, during the day, this remote control is mine.
Peggy takes the remote control from Al and changes the channel.
TV Now, for the His & Her car wax - uh-oh, this is a long one - spell 'newspaper'.
Peggy mouths the correct spelling and looks very pleased with herself. Al gives her a look and
rolls his eyes.
Al and Peggy are still watching TV. Buck is on the couch too, with his muzzle on Al's lap.
TV [female voice] Take me, Trevor. Take me! Take me! [male voice] Where?
AL Who's that?
PEGGY That's Jay, the one with the haunted past.
AL I thought Iris had the haunted past.
PEGGY That's another show.
TV [female voice] Ooh, this really is better, Jane.
AL Who's that?
PEGGY Al, that's the lady who sells soap. It's a commercial! I can't stand this anymore. You
have been home for one day and you are driving me crazy.
AL What did I do? How am I driving you crazy?
AL [points at the TV] Who's that?
Peggy moans, turns the TV off and starts choking Al.
PEGGY Go back to work!
The doorbell rings.
AL Who's that?
Peg groans and gets up to open the door. Steve and Marcy are standing outside. Marcy is holding
two food pans.
STEVE Hello hello!
MARCY We brought you some leftovers. [shows Al the pans] Vegeterian fahitas and tofu
Al makes a face. Marcy takes the pans to the kitchen. Steve sits down next to Al.
STEVE Now don't get the wrong idea, Al, we are not doing this because you are out of work.
It's just a coincidence we happened to make too much. You'd really be doing us a favor
to take it off our hands. [short pause] Ah, who are we kidding. It's charity.
Steve laughs and puts his arm around Al's shoulder.
STEVE So, how are you doing, buddy? Enjoying your first day out of work? Ooh, ooh, nice
pajamas. Unemployment's really agreeing with you, big guy.
AL Well, it all comes down to priorities. What's more important: pride or money?
STEVE Money, Al. I love it. I love to look at it, and be around it, and count it. That's why I
went to the bank biz, but that's me, and you're out of work. [chuckles] But hang in
there, there's plenty of work for a man with your qualifications. Did you ever try to
shoe a horse, Al? You know, you are tall enough to be Goofy at Disney World... Of course,
you'd have to relocate, but they have real nice trailer parks down there.
AL You're enjoying yourself, aren't you, Steve?
STEVE Remember what you did to my dog, Al?
AL Yes I do.
STEVE To continue then...
Al gets up and walks over to the kitchen. Steve follows him.
STEVE You could get yourself some flowers and sell them at the expressway offramp.
MARCY Now, Steve...
STEVE Oh, can't I do one more?
MARCY Well... okay.
Marcy sits down next to Peggy at the kitchen table.
STEVE You could sell your blood, Al. They give you juice and cookies afterwards.
PEGGY Gee, Al, if you could manage to stagger home without spilling the juice, that would be
dinner for the family.
Marcy gets up.
MARCY Personally, Al, I admire your conviction. Throughout history, many men considered great
in retrospect had to stand alone for their beliefs. [to Steve] Although I think Al is
the first shoe salesman.
Marcy laughs. Al walks over to the couch with his beer can and sits down. Kelly comes in with a
friend named Donna.
KELLY We're gonna go upstairs and listen to some records.
DONNA [to Kelly] Who's the guy in the pajamas? Is that your dad?
KELLY Are you kidding? No. No, my father's in prison. That's - that's just my mom's boyfriend.
DONNA Oh, cool.
Kelly and Donna go upstairs.
AL [to Peggy] Do they have to be here?
PEGGY Yes, Al. Until the State takes them away from us.
Peggy sits down on the couch next to Al. Bud comes in with a friend named Teddy.
BUD Hey dad, this is Teddy. His dad's been unemployed for seven years, so he's gonna drop by
tomorrow and teach you how to play a game called 'Three Card Monty'.
Teddy holds up a wad of bills.
TEDDY Yeah, really gets us through some hard times. And doesn't interfere with welfare.
Bud pats Al's shoulder. He and Teddy go upstairs.
PEGGY [calling out] Oh, kids! Juice and cookies for supper tomorrow.
AL I'm sorry, Peg, but after sixteen years of marriage, I have no blood left to give. I
have no choice, I'm going back to work.
PEGGY Oh, that's wonderful, Al. I'll tell you what: I'll bring the kids down tomorrow and you
can buy us lunch. I just love you so much more when you're not at home.
Peggy pats Al's knee.
Al is organizing the shoe display at the store. Happy and Bart are watching him.
HAPPY Poor Al, he really thought he was somebody.
BART We knew he wasn't. Gee, uh, I guess we should've told him.
HAPPY You think we should tell him now?
Bart and Happy walk over to Al. Meanwhile, the mall guard enters the store. Bart pats Al's
BART Al, you're not somebody. But then, neither are we. Sure, we made fun of you, but deep
down we were really hoping the rich guy'd show. All of us mall guys feel that way.
GUARD [on his walkie talkie] You were right, Ed. He came crawling back after one day.
Ed laughs on the walkie talkie.
ED [v.o.] Yeah. Hey, I guess they ran out of bags at the jewelry store. These two guys are
carrying the stuff out loose. [calling out] Hey, slow down, boys, it's too hot to be
running in this heat!
Peggy, Bud and Kelly enter the store. Kelly pick up a shoe from the display and admires it.
KELLY God, this is ugly.
BUD That's your reflection, Kel.
Peggy walks over to Al.
PEGGY Hi honey. I was gonna bring you a sandwich, you know, to save some money. But then I
figured: why bother? Let's go eat.
Nancy and two other large women enter the store.
NANCY Well, well, well. Prince of the penny loafers. King of the canvas-back hightops. [to one
of the other women:] He's back. [to Al:] You're back. Well, where's your pride now,
PEGGY Hey Al, isn't she the one that got wedged in the escalator?
NANCY You must be the wife.
PEGGY And you must be why they're starving in China.
Al pulls Peggy away from Nancy, laughing. A suited man pretending to be Gary enters the store.
NICK [to Nancy] Is Al Bundy around?
NANCY [awestricken] Over there. [points]
AL Ah, another spectator. Go ahead, take your shot.
NICK I'm not sure what you're talking about. I just wanna meet Al Bundy and shake his hand.
PEGGY Just who are you?
NICK Gary. Gary Patterson. You know, I - I own this place.
AL [in amazement] You're Ga - you're Gary? Our Gary from "Gary's Shoes & Accessories For
Today's Woman"? I'm Al Bundy!
Al shakes Nick's hand.
NICK You know something, I got your letter and it really affected me. After years of sleeping
with beautiful women and living life just for fun -
Nick faces Nancy, who smiles sweetly and runs her hand through her hair. Nick turns away from
NICK I, uh, I thought I would come back to the trenches, say 'thanks', and then get back to
PEGGY [to Nick] You know, I know a great beach over at my house.
AL Uh, Gare, as you might've guessed, this is the wife.
Peggy holds up her hand and Nick kisses it. Peggy giggles and holds up her other hand for him
AL Hit the showers, Peg.
Peggy walks away. Nick puts his arm aroud Al's shoulder.
NICK Al, I want you to know I appreciate what you're doing here. One day, I would like to
have you on my yacht. Of course I won't, but I want you to know that the next beautiful
woman I bed down is dedicated to you.
AL Could you make it a blonde?
NICK They make life worth living, don't they?
Al and Nick laugh, then Al looks at Peggy and stops laughing.
AL I wouldn't know.
NICK Hey, how about showing me around?
Al leads Nick to the shoe display by the entrance.
AL Well, yeah, over here we have some shoes, and, uh, yeah, over here's more shoes [points
to another shoe display], and...
Al looks at Nancy, who again smiles broadly and runs her hand through her hair.
AL Here's an old bag...
Nancy looks irritated. Al leads Nick towards the stock room.
AL And back here in the stock room is where we keep the rest of the shoes.
Al and Nick disappear into the stock room.
BART [to Happy] Gee, he did it. He actually got the owner here.
Peg puts her arms around Bud and Kelly's shoulders.
PEGGY You should be proud, kids. There's a very special man in there, and he's talking to your
father. You see, daddy really does count.
The picture changes to inside the stock room, where Al is putting bills in Nick's hand.
AL [counting the bills as he hands them to Nick] 23, 24, 25.
NICK Now the deal was for fifty, Al.
AL Yeah. And worth every penny. They really thought you were Gary, Nick.
NICK Hey, I've got alimony. I'll do anything for money.
Al hands Nick some more bills.
AL 26, 27... Excuse me one minute.
Al comes out of the stock room and sticks out his thumb. Everybody in the store but Nancy gives
him a 'thumbs up'. The frame freezes on Al with his thumb up, smiling.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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