MARRIED WITHOUT CHILDREN
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Peggy is cleaning while loud rock music blasts in background. The doorbell rings.
PEGGY One minute!
She goes over to the steps and yells to Kelly.
PEGGY Will you please turn it down?
The volume barely decreases, if at all.
PEGGY [sarcastically] Thanks.
She goes over to the door, and lets in Steve and Marcy.
PEGGY [to Kelly] Turn it off!!!
The music stops, and Peggy sighs as she closes the door.
PEGGY [to the Rhoades] I'm sorry. You have no idea what it's like having music blaring all day
STEVE Yes we do, that's why we came over.
PEGGY I'm sorry. It's just that the kids were home sick from school today.
MARCY Oh nothing serious, I hope?
PEGGY Ah, no. Just one of those bugs that goes around. You know where they're sick for two
hours and then they make you sick for the rest of your life? Coffee?
MARCY Steve and I can't wait until we have kids. Giving birth to a child must be one of the
most beautiful experiences in God's universe.
PEGGY I wouldn't know. I was unconscious for a week. I kinda miss that.
BUD [from upstairs] Mom! Kelly tied my face to the speaker!
The music starts blaring again, as Peggy puts her hand to her forehead.
PEGGY Excuse me.
She heads upstairs.
MARCY [to Steve] The mistakes she's making! Maybe we should loan her some of our child-rearing
STEVE I don't know, Marcy. I don't think Al and Peggy read much.
He is trying to talk over the speaker, but the music cuts off as he says his last line.
MARCY I wish we could spend more time with Bud and Kelly. I just know we'd have a positive,
creative influence on them.
PEGGY [from upstairs] And if I hear another peep out of you two, I'm gonna tie your throats
STEVE Well, that's pretty creative.
Peggy comes back downstairs.
PEGGY I'm sorry you had to be here for this. I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Kids
aren't so bad. I remember one Mothers' Day, they surprised me with the sweetest-- oh no,
that wasn't them, I saw that on TV.
MARCY Peggy, it sounds like you need to get away.
PEGGY I thought about that, but Al and the kids would just hunt me down and drag me back.
MARCY No. I meant a vacation. Hire a babysitter and take off for the weekend.
PEGGY We used to have babysitters, but word of mouth kills you.
STEVE What about your relatives?
PEGGY Again, it's that word of mouth thing.
MARCY Well if you really want to get out of town, we wouldn't mind taking the kids for the
weekend. Would we, Steve?
STEVE Well, I... The ones upstairs?
MARCY It'd be fun, it'd be good practice. [turning to Steve] For when we have children.
PEGGY You wouldn't mind?
Marcy turns to Steve, who grimaces.
MARCY Course not!
Al walks in the door and Peggy goes over to him.
PEGGY Oh, hi honey! Look, Steve and Marcy are here.
AL Yeah I know I've been circling the block waiting for them to leave. I finally ran out of
PEGGY Well they've agreed to take the kids for the weekend.
PEGGY Yeah, so you and me can go away by ourselves.
AL You mean we'd have to leave? Gee, it sounded good for a second.
Peggy follows him over to the couch.
PEGGY C'mon Al, we never get to go anywhere.
AL Honey, if I wanted to go away, even with you, it wouldn't be this weekend. The fight's
PEGGY Oh, Al, you always watch sports. Well not this weekend! We're going away.
AL I'm watching the fight.
PEGGY You're not watching the fight!
AL I'm watching the fight!
STEVE You're not watching the fight, Al.
AL Oh, really, dear?
STEVE It's not being carried on network TV, only on cable.
PEGGY Ha, and we don't have cable. C'mon, Marcy, let's get the phonebook and pick a nice,
cheap little lovenest.
Peggy and Marcy go into the kitchen while Steve joins Al on the couch.
AL This was your idea.
AL I can't believe it. The entire weekend I have to spend alone with my wife. Steve, you
are the BIGGEST-- By the way, do you have cable?
AL -- The biggest idiot I ever met! You got me into this. The entire weekend, alone with my
STEVE Al, why don't you just go. Relax, enjoy yourself.
AL Steve, look out in the kitchen there, ya see that redhead?
Peggy is smoking a cigarette as she looks gleefully through the phonebook.
AL Try to picture her in heat.
STEVE I'm sorry, Al.
AL Yeah. That and a dime'll get you a cup of coffee.
STEVE Where, Al?
AL Shut up. I've gotta think, I've gotta find a place where I can watch the fight so I can
get out of this.
STEVE Al, I've got the answer to all your problems. Well not all your problems, but this
problem. The fight is being carried on SpectraVision, and I know whose got it. This
little place across the state line in Wisconsin, the Come-and-Go Motel.
AL How would you know about a place like that?
STEVE [smirking] I've come and gone a few times.
AL With Marcy?
STEVE No, actually before Marcy.
AL You dog, you.
STEVE Don't say anything to Marcy. I wouldn't want her to find out about some of the wild oats
I sewed. So this is just us, okay?
AL Sure. [to Peggy] Hey, Peg! Steve just recommended this place, the Come-and-Go Motel. He
says, he says it's a real passion pit.
Peggy looks excited. Marcy definitely does not.
MARCY I don't remember us going there, Steve.
Steve stands up.
STEVE Marcy! I can't believe you forgot that night.
MARCY I don't know where my mind is. I'm sorry, Steve.
STEVE I should hope so. But I forgive you.
He sighs, sitting back down.
MARCY [to Peggy] You're really gonna love this place, Peggy.
PEGGY Oh gee, it sounds great. I'm gonna make the reservation right now.
We return to Al and Steve on the couch.
AL That was beautiful, Steve.
STEVE Thanks. Thanks for selling me out, also.
AL No problem. Now listen, this is gonna work out great for me except for one thing. She's
gonna want some sex. Now, do I watch the fight first, then give her a jump? No, that's
not good cause with that on my mind I'll be all anxious and tense and I won't enjoy the
fight. No. The best thing to do would be to bed her down first. That way, I'll enjoy the
rest of the day.
He thinks outloud.
AL Now, let's see. Uh.. the fight comes on at five oclock, figure half hour for the drive,
uh, check in ten minutes, another five minutes go to the bathroom, aaand I pleasure Peg.
That should give me enough time to shower, eat, and get ready to have a good time.
PEGGY [calling from the kitchen] I love you, Al.
AL Right back at ya.
We zoom in to the Rhoades house on Steve reading a book entitled "Kids: You're Bigger Than They
Are." Marcy walks into the room carrying a pile of board games.
MARCY I'm really looking forward to this. I think we'll learn a lot about raising children,
and they'll learn a lot about being themselves, and if we run into any problems, [she
pats the book] we'll get the answer.
STEVE Well, one thing's for sure. It'll be a nice change for the kids.
From outside, Al yells.
AL [o.s.] Hey there! You have no vote! You're staying with them!
KELLY [o.s.] Dad, they're gross!
AL Not my fault they moved in next door.
PEGGY Shut up, Al, they have their uses.
The doorbell rings, and when Marcy answers it the Bundys stand outside as if nothing had happened.
PEGGY This is very nice of you two.
MARCY Well it's our pleasure.
The kids run into the house, as does Buck, who crawls onto Steve's lap.
STEVE [sarcastically] The dog too! Better and better.
Peggy hands Marcy a peice of paper.
PEGGY Now Marcy, here's a list of dos and don'ts, and a very special don't: no parties.
PEGGY Especially Kelly, it's a promise we made the police.
AL C'mon, Peg, we shoulda left two minutes ago!
PEGGY Oooh, you're anxious.
AL More than you can imagine.
MARCY Well, kids, I think your kids are really gonna miss you.
She closes the door, and outside we hear the car pull off.
PEGGY Al! Wait for me!
The car stops while the door opens and slams shut, and then speeds away.
MARCY Now, Bud, Kelly, don't think of us as babysitters, think of us as best friends. Steve,
would you like to tell our best friends what we have for them?
STEVE Not really, Marcy.
MARCY Then I will. We have... art projects, and a game recommended by Psychology Today, it's a
game of roleplaying.
KELLY I'm gonna make a call.
BUD I'm gonna use your bathroom.
Buck crawls over Steve's lap again.
STEVE We're having some fun now, huh Marc?
MARCY I hope you're not gonna be this way with our children.
STEVE I'm hoping our children will like us.
MARCY These children like us!
We hear Kelly on the phone.
KELLY Nah, I'm at these dorks' house. Yeah, give everyone this number. They can call as late
as they want to. It's like death here.
MARCY All in all, I think it's gonna turn out just fine.
Bud comes running down the stairs, holding a bra.
BUD Hey Kelly, look! Even Mrs. Rhoades has a bigger bra size than you!
We open up to the motel room as Al hurries in, accompanied by Peggy.
PEGGY Ah, gee, the room is beautiful!
AL Get in the bed, Peg.
AL Peg, it's almost five oclock, I can't believe the traffic. Why does everybody always
stop and watch somebody change a tire? When I wait in traffic that long, the least they
can show me is some mangled bodies!
He pushes Peggy down to the bed.
AL Get in the bed.
PEGGY Take it easy, honey, we have all night!
AL But I love ya, Peg, and time's a-wasting. Let's go. I'm gonna turn on the TV.
He turns on the television.
AL Ah, SpectraVision.
He pulls off his shirt.
AL Alright I'm ready, let's go.
PEGGY W-w-w-wait, we promised the kids we'd call them when we got here.
She goes to the phone.
AL I dunno, the mood is fading.
PEGGY Gee, I've been there before.
She puts down the phone.
PEGGY I'm ready!
She is got with a hug from Al.
AL Huh, ya know this is nice, Peggy. We don't have to rush because we're worried the
kids'll be coming in.
TV Ladies and gentlemen, would you please rise for our national anthem.
Al brings Peggy down to the bed in a hurry.
We fade back in to the Rhoades' house, where Steve and Marcy sit before a Trivial Pursuit game.
STEVE [reading the question] I'm the father of French impressionism. Who am I?
Marcy raises her hand eagerly.
STEVE Now, Marcy, let's give the kids a chance.
She looks over and Kelly is on the phone again. Bud is nowhere to be found.
MARCY Edward Manet.
STEVE Right. [To the kids] Marcy and I have two hundred points each, and you have none. Ha ha,
this sucks, Marcy.
MARCY Oh very good, Steve. Did it ever occur to you that your setting the tone for the entire
day. If you're negative, they'll be negative.
STEVE If I leave will they leave?
MARCY You, my friend, are losing fatherhood points. Besides, they're not bothering anybody.
Bud chases Buck down the stairs, throwing a fur.
BUD C'mon, Buck, time to play Fox Hunt!
MARCY That's my fur! That's my fur!
She chases after the dog.
STEVE Your engagement present? Bud! Get out here!
Marcy comes back into the room.
MARCY Now Steve, let me handle this. You're just upset because you paid for it.
Bud comes into the room.
MARCY Now, Bud, you know what you did was wrong, don't you?
BUD Yes, ma'am.
MARCY Good, that'll be all.
STEVE That'll be all? No. Just wait until I get this belt off-- that'll be all.
MARCY Steve! [to Bud] We're sorry.
STEVE You bet we're sorry. Sorry we ever moved next door to the devil's spawning ground.
BUD Can I go play now?
MARCY Yes, dear.
Bud swings a pearl neckless and calls to his dog.
BUD C'mon, Buck, time to for pearl diving.
MARCY Pearl diving?
She chases upstairs after him. Steve walks over to Kelly.
KELLY Bye, Mr. Rhoades.
STEVE Whoa, where are you going?
KELLY Out. Where there's life.
STEVE No, you're not. Your mother said that if you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick
to go out.
KELLY Well, howabout if I have a party over here?
STEVE No parties.
Marcy runs back down holding a jewlry case.
MARCY I think I saved most of our valuable stuff, Steve. And the rest I'm sure will dry.
KELLY Umm, Mrs. Rhoades? Mr. Rhoades said that if it's okay with you, that I can have a party.
Marcy runs angrily over to Steve.
MARCY Oh nice, Steve. Make me the bad guy. You heard Peggy say no parties. You have me deeply
KELLY Well if I can't have a party, can I at least have a couple of friends over?
MARCY Sure, I don't see the harm in that. Do you, Steve?
STEVE Yes I do.
MARCY Sure, go ahead and call them.
The doorbell rings.
KELLY I already did. Listen, I really like one of these guys, he's really nice, but don't make
any sudden moves.
STEVE I guess I can dial 911 slowly.
She opens the door and greets her friends.
KELLY This is Sean, Debbie, and Dweeb. Dweeb just got out!
DWEEB Human life means nothing to me.
Steve drops the cards he is carrying and turns to his wife.
MARCY It's nice to meet you. Just let me spread out some paper and we can all sit down.
SEAN Hey, we was playing Eyesies-Closies driving in...
He pulls out part of their mailbox.
SEAN I think you need a new mailbox.
STEVE Uh, Marcy, I think we're low on milk. I'm just gonna run over to Wisconsin and pick some
He heads to the door.
Dweeb instinctively puts his hands against the wall.
At the motel room, Al is watching the end of the fight, a beer in hand.
AL C'mon Romarez, hook him! Low! High! Cross! Ya got him! Ya got him! ...Get up! C'mon, get
up! He's up!
TV Romarez never should'a got up. 8... 9... 10... It's over. Wow, what a fight!
Al turns off the TV as Peggy walks in, holding a shopping bag and singing.
PEGGY [singing] Ten cents a dance... That's what they pay me... Hi, Al. [kisses him on the
cheek] I found a lot of nice things today. Ya know, I know we have K-Marts at home, but
there is something so special about going out of town to shop at one.
She sits down on the bed with Al.
PEGGY This is great, honey.
PEGGY I think the national anthem should be our song from now on. When they hit "the rockets'
red glare," you were an animal, Al.
AL [chuckling] I love this country, Peg. Ya know it's so nice being here alone, just the
two of us.
PEGGY I know. But ya know something, Al, I never thought I'd say this this soon, but I miss
AL What kids?
PEGGY Ours, the boy and the girl, remember? Listen, we've had a great time, but we don't need
to stay the night. Why don't I call Steve and Marcy and tell them we're coming home
early. Unless you wanna do it again?
Al looks furious.
Back at the Rhoades' house, Dweeb is showing off his ring to Steve.
STEVE Well, Dweeb, sure it's a nice ring, but I think that's why they lock cemetaries at
He glares at Marcy.
MARCY Shall we change the subject? Debbie...
Debbie is pulling gum out of her mouth.
Sean looks over; Kelly is in his lap.
MARCY Where are you planning to attend college?
SEAN Oh, well I was planning on getting a government job, ya know, so I could sell secrets.
KELLY I love you, Sean.
SEAN Yeah, yeah, yeah.
DEBBIE So what's the plan, are we supposed to just wait here for these two to doze off or
She gestures at Steve and Marcy. The phone rings.
STEVE I'll get it!
MARCY I'll get it!
They both rush to the phone, Steve gets there first and answers.
STEVE Hello? Peggy! Hi! Yeah, we're still here. How're you doing? You are? That's great!
STEVE [covering the phone] They're coming home!
MARCY Oh thank goodness, thank goodness, thank goodness!
STEVE [on the phone again] Uh, you'll be home in an hour? Hold on, one second.
He puts down the phone and he and Marcy do a little dance of joy.
STEVE I'm back! Nooo, no, it's been our pleasure, they've been little angels.
Dweeb crushes a soda can on his head and begins making out with Debbie.
STEVE No problems at all! Don't rush.
He sets down the phone and grabs a chip.
Marcy looks worried.
MARCY Don't rush, Steve? Look at them. (She gestures to Kelly's friends) It'll be dark in an
STEVE Doesn't matter. They're coming home, and they're gonna take these little heathens away!
They sit down on the steps.
MARCY I can't believe you told Peggy "no problem". What do you think's gonna happen the next
time they wanna go out of town? They'll expect us to take the kids again. Because we did
such a good job. Next time it might be for a week. A month. And then one day, they won't
come back at all.
STEVE We'll just say no.
MARCY And then we'll be the bad guys! The bad neighbors! No. They have to see that we're not
fit to care for the little demons.
KELLY We're bored, why can't we have a party?
STEVE Because your mother specifically said no parties.
MARCY That's right, she did. And if we were good babysitters, the kind people would use again,
we'd have to say no. (To Kelly) Yes, of course you can have a party! Can you get one
together in less than an hour?
STEVE Uh, Marcy, tell me this is your plan: you're gonna get them all together and blow them
MARCY No, this is better Steve, just as the party's starting, Al and Peggy will be here, and
they'll see this wild party starting Dweep, and they'll know we're unfit! And they'll
never ask us to look after their precious offspring again.
Kelly is on the phone, and calls over to Dweep and Debbie.
KELLY Good news! Raymond and the Bloody Ten are coming!
DWEEB [to the Rhoades] Gee, they're tough!
STEVE All right!!!
MARCY All right!!!
At the motel room, Peggy has finished packing.
AL Get everything?
PEGGY I think so.
AL You take the towels?
PEGGY Of course.
AL The hotel pads and pens?
PEGGY Yeah, and the soap.
AL Good. The ashtrays?
PEGGY Yeah, I think we got everything.
AL Okay, well before you close the suitcase, you wanna grab the Yellow Pages.
PEGGY Al, it's Wisconsin.
AL Hey, ya roll them up, they make a great log.
Peggy grabs the phone book.
PEGGY Aw, gee, we had a great time, honey.
PEGGY You know, this is the first time we've been in a motel room since our honeymoon.
AL Heh, yep. We still have those towels.
PEGGY Sixteen years... And you haven't changed a bit. You know you look exactly the same as
you did the day we were married.
AL Yeah, I know.
PEGGY Aren't you going to say the same about me?
AL Well, honey, I bowl; you don't do anything.
Peggy looks dejected.
AL Oh hey, Peg, you look great! Much too good for an old guy like me.
PEGGY Ohhh, "old guy"? Come on, Al. You're in great shape. I bet you coulda handled either one
of those bums that fought today.
AL Hey ya know what? I think you're right.
He shows off his boxing moves.
AL You know I got a pretty good left jab -- for a shoe salesman. I tell ya what I woulda
done with that Gonzlez. I'da waited till he dropped his hands. See he always does that
when he doubles up with a hook. Then, I'd've stepped inside, hook to the head, uppercut!
Uppercut! Uppercut! If that don't work, I'd take the legs out!
He pulls Peggy down to the bed with him.
PEGGY Maybe we should call Steve and Marcy and tell them that we're not coming home tonight.
AL Why bother? They said it's no trouble!
PEGGY Oh Al! [singing] And the rockets' red glare...
At the Rhoades house, a rambunctious party has broken out, with Kelly's friends dancing to loud
music, and a roller-skating Bud taking pictures. Steve and Marcy stare out the window, longingly.
MARCY This'll show them. Any minute now they'll be pulling into their driveway.
A crash is heard. Bud has broken a vase.
STEVE You know dear, they really are wrecking our home.
MARCY I know. But Peggy and Al will be home any minute. I can't wait to see their faces.
STEVE Yep. Aaaaany minute.
They return to gazing out the window as the episode ends.
Transcribed by Couch Potato Central
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