AL LOSES HIS CHERRY
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog
Terry Cherry...............Jerry Hall
Sherry Cherry..............Pamela Bowman
Luke Ventura...............Ritch Shydner
Peggy is making scrambled eggs in the kitchen. She puts some on a plate, walks over to the
kitchen table and puts the plate down in front of Bud, who is sitting there. As soon as she has
her back turned on him he holds the plate in front of Buck, who is on the floor beside him, and
Buck licks it clean. Peggy walks over to the stairway and calls out to Kelly.
PEGGY [calling out] Kelly, breakfast! And be quiet, Honey, don't wake your father!
Peggy walks back to the kitchen and notices Bud's empty plate.
PEGGY [marveling] Oh, Bud, you eat so fast!
BUD That's 'cause you cook so good.
Bud smiles at Peggy. Kelly comes rushing down the stairs.
KELLY Bye, Mom!
PEGGY Not so fast. You're not going anywhere without a good, healthy breakfast.
KELLY Mother, I'm 15. I'm old enough to know how to use a vending machine.
PEGGY [firmly] Get over here and eat.
Kelly sighs unhappily.
KELLY God, I hate to eat sitting down.
Kelly walks over to the kitchen table and sits down.
BUD I think she should clean her plate like I did, Mom.
KELLY Sure, Mom.
Kelly waits until Peggy has her back turned on her and then has Buck eat some of her scrambled
KELLY I'm stuffed. [gets up] They're waiting for me at the mall.
PEGGY What do you do at the mall, anyway?
KELLY Hmm... Nothing.
BUD You know what they do? Sometimes they look in the shoe store and... [gravely] laugh at
KELLY [defensively] Well, all the kids do... It's not like they know he's my father. [to Bud,
threateningly] And they never will, if you want to live to hang your next rat.
PEGGY [bringing a plate of bacon and a plate of scrambled eggs to the table] I'd ground both of
you, but that would mean you'd be here all day. So your punishment is you're grounded
tomorrow when your father's home and I'm out shopping.
Peggy sits down.
BUD [miserably] Can I go now?
BUD Where's my Miniature Golf coupon?
PEGGY It's in the drawer. [points]
Bud goes to the counter to get the coupon. He finds an envelope.
BUD What's this with the fake engraving?
PEGGY Oh, that's the invitation to your cousin Harriet's wedding.
The kids respond with a complete lack of enthusiasm.
BUD Aw, Harriet?
PEGGY You don't have to go.
Bud does a quiet "yeah!" to Kelly.
PEGGY Thing is, your father and I have to go out of town for it. Bud, who can you stay with?
BUD I'm not allowed into anybody's house.
PEGGY Well, we'll find someone.
We hear Al coughing loudly upstairs.
PEGGY Daddy's up.
KELLY Well, we'll see you later.
PEGGY Okay, be home by six. Oh, and Bud, don't bite anyone. And Kelly, don't get anything
KELLY Yeah, Mom.
The kids leave. We hear Al cough some more. Peggy puts more scrambled eggs on a plate, takes it
to the kitchen table and sits down. Al comes down the stairs, rolling his sleeve.
PEGGY In the pot.
Al walks over to the pot and pours himself some coffee.
AL Boy, I love it when you get up before I do and I got the bed all to myself.
PEGGY [sarcastically] Gee, you'd never know it, the way you put your foot on my behind and
Al sits down next to Peggy.
PEGGY Here's your breakfast, Honey. [indicates plates]
AL Mmmm. Oh, just like I like 'em.
Al holds his plate of scrambled eggs next to Buck's head, but Buck ignores it.
AL [to Buck] Ah, you dirty, shiftless bag of -
Peggy notices what Al is doing.
PEGGY [reproachingly] Al, don't feed that to the dog! The cholesterol is very bad for him.
Al gives her a long look.
PEGGY [indicating other plate] Bacon?
Al puts some bacon on his plate and eats.
AL Boy, I hate Saturdays. Damn kids come to the mall and make fun of me.
PEGGY Yeah. Wouldn't it be nice if we could go off together, just the two of us?
AL Not really.
PEGGY You know where I'd really like to go?
AL [suspiciously] Where?
AL I smell your family coming on. What's up, Peg? "Beerfest '87"? Is it time for your Mother
to defend her Keg-sucking crown? Is she moving up into the heavyweight division this
PEGGY Can't stand that a woman won, huh?
AL Hey, there were a lot of people there demanding chromosome tests.
PEGGY Just you and Dad.
AL I don't care, Peg. I'm not going to one of your family gatherings.
PEGGY It's not a gathering. It's a wedding.
AL Who's getting married?
AL Harriet? You mean someone answered the ad?
Peggy gets up, annoyed, and gets herself coffee.
AL Some people will do anything to keep from being deported.
PEGGY Hey, Jose is a very nice man. And his English is coming along just fine.
AL Mi habla "not going".
PEGGY Al, we have to go. The whole family is coming.
Peggy sits back down.
AL Oh, really? How about Elmo, the human surprise? Are they bringing him?
PEGGY You know, he makes a very good living.
AL Well, they won't have his cage at the wedding, Peg.
PEGGY Well, you have to admit there's one good thing about my family. They gave you me.
AL Getting me sentimental ain't gonna work with me, Peg. Now you send Harriet a card, you
give Jose a copy of the Pledge of Allegiance, but I'm not going.
PEGGY Yes you are.
AL No I'm not!
Al gets up and heads for the door.
PEGGY Oh yes you are, and you cannot walk out on this arguement.
Peggy gets up and follows Al.
AL Watch me.
PEGGY Fine! But when you come home we are picking up right where we left off.
AL Well, that's fine. Then I'm not coming home.
PEGGY [to herself] Neah, he'll be coming home. And Mr. and Mrs. Bundy will be attending.
The shoe store.
Luke is dancing with some elderly woman named Delilah.
LUKE [singing] You're once, twice, three times a lady.
They stop dancing just as Al is coming in.
LUKE See? I told you you could dance in these shoes.
DELILAH [giggling] Well, I'll take them.
Luke walks over to the counter to write a receipt. Al crosses to him.
AL Luke, what are you doing?
LUKE Selling shoes, man. You work on comission, you go the extra mile. And that, my friend, is
the extra mile.
Delilah walks over to the counter with her purse.
DELILAH Thank you.
LUKE My pleasure.
Delilah pays Luke and he gives her the receipt.
DELILAH [to Al] Oh, your son is very nice.
LUKE [amused] Ah, she must've been something 1500 years ago.
AL Get away from me, Luke.
LUKE Hey, Al, you know, there's something I've learned over the years. Whenever someone yells
at me, it's not me. How could it be? So what's wrong?
AL Ah, I had a fight with my wife.
LUKE I knew it wasn't me! How bad was it?
AL Well, I - I got pretty mad, so I laid down the law: I told her I'm not coming home! So,
uh, where can I get some flowers cheap?
LUKE Thought you said you weren't going home.
AL Well, let's face it, I've got no choice. I have to. That's the trouble when you're
married with children. [sits down] They know you're coming home.
Luke pats Al on the shoulder.
LUKE What do you think I should have for lunch?
AL Hey, I'm pouring out my heart here!
LUKE I'm sorry. I thought you were done.
AL No I'm not! I'm not at all.
Luke kneels down opposite Al.
AL I gotta find a place to stay. I can't afford a hotel... If I go home then I'm saying I'm
sorry, so I can't go home. I gotta make her wonder, make her worry, make her miss me.
Then I can go home, so she can yell at me. Where am I gonna stay?
Luke stands up.
LUKE [smiling] Everybody comes to the answer man. Choice is obvious, Al. You set up a cot in
the stock room.
Al also stands up.
AL I'm staying with you, Luke.
LUKE For free?
Al puts his arm around Luke's shoulder.
AL You know, I haven't done something like this in a long time. Yeah, kick back with a buddy
and a six pack and be men. You know, Luke, I - this is really helping me out. Thanks a
Luke puts his arm around Al's shoulder.
LUKE Hey, the day Luke Ventura can't help a friend, that's a day he's got something better to
Peggy and Marcy are sitting on the couch, watching TV.
TV [announcer, v.o.] The divorce judge will now render his verdict. [voice of judge] Mr.
Gannon, your lovely bride in eight months deserves far better than you. I can't grant her
that, but I can grant her 93 percent of your network, your Ferrari and your stocks. And
you, Mr. Gannon, you get the children. [Peggy and Marcy laugh] This court is adjourned.
MARCY What a great show.
PEGGY Oh yeah. You know, that's a real judge. More coffee?
They get up and walk over to the kitchen.
PEGGY Listen, Marce, Al and I have to go to a wedding next week. Do you think you could watch
MARCY Sure. I love weddings. Where are they registered?
Peggy pours them some coffee.
PEGGY Department of Immigration.
MARCY How '80s. Well, if you can't find anything there, we have a lot of good gift catalogs.
Why don't you and Al come over later? Better yet, come over without Al.
PEGGY I'm afraid I'd have to. He's mad at me about the wedding. We had this big fight...
[cooing] He was so cute. He said he wasn't coming home.
MARCY You don't seem too concerned...
PEGGY [spooning sugar into their cups] Marcy, this is Al. I mean, where's he gonna go?
They cross back to the living room.
PEGGY He might drive around for a while, till he has to use the bathroom and eat. Then he'll
come slinking back, pretending nothing happened. Then we'll go to bed, and nothing will
MARCY Well, I'd be worried if Steve threatened not to come home. According to my book, "Men and
Other Primates", after a marital spat the man is most vulnerable to outside stimulae.
PEGGY What does that mean?
MARCY [confidentially] There are a lot of man-hungry barracudas out there. The first little
wink -- his shoes will be under her bed.
PEGGY Well that should end it right there.
Luke and Al enter Luke's bachelor pad, and Luke turns the lights on.
LUKE Here it is: home of the Big Boy.
Al looks around with wonder.
AL Wow, I can't believe you live in a building where all your neighbors are stewardesses.
LUKE Well, I used to live in a building with a lot of married people. Sure, the sex was great
during the day, but it got lonely at night. Take a load off, sit down.
Al takes off his jacket.
AL No TV?
LUKE It's in the bedroom with the cameras. You want a drink?
AL Yeah. Uh, got some Scotch?
Luke opens his mini-bar. It's full of "airplane bottles" of beverage.
LUKE I got everything.
Luke hands Al a bottle.
LUKE One of the many benefits of living in a "stew's zoo".
Luke hands Al a plastic cup, a napkin and a small bag of peanuts.
LUKE You want a deck of cards or a barf bag or something?
AL Nah, I'm cool. Peggy must be eating her heart out. If she could see me now.
Al sits down on the couch.
AL What a night, huh, Buddy?
LUKE I wanna... kinda get comfortable. You make yourself at home, Buddy.
Luke goes into the bedroom and closes the door. Al takes off his shoes, loosens his tie, picks
up his drink, sits back and puts his hand down his pants.
AL Eat your heart out, Peg. [singing softly] "By the time I get to Phoenix she'll be rising.
Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm her hair."
The doorbell rings. Al gets up and opens the door to Terry and Sherry Cherry, two gorgeous
TERRY We're the Cherry sisters. Terry and Sherry Cherry.
Al stares in amazement.
AL [stiffly] I'm, uh... Uh... Al! Al Bundy, that's right.
Luke comes out of his bedroom, wearing a robe.
Luke laughs. The Cherry sisters run over to him and kiss him on the cheek.
TERRY We brought you this.
Terry holds up an inflatable mask and breathes into it.
SHERRY Our mother taught us never to go any place empty-handed.
TERRY Or without a dime for a phone call. [to Al] Oh, we didn't bring anything for you. Would
you like our dime?
LUKE Aren't they sweet, Al?
AL [still in a state of shock] Uh, Al! Al Bundy, that's right.
LUKE Ladies, I'd like you to meet my friend, Al "The King" Bundy. [Al waves] Let's get
comfortable here. Come on.
Luke leads the Cherry sisters to the couch. Al follows them, laughing stupidly.
SHERRY Ooh, you redecorated. I love it.
LUKE Yeah, it's kind of a Wild Kingdom feel. I like it.
Luke sits on the couch between the Cherry sisters. Al sits in a pouffe next to them.
TERRY Luke, you know, Sherry and I were just talking and I really need a man's opinion.
LUKE Okay. Come sit on my lap.
Terry sits on Luke's lap. Al stares.
TERRY I don't know what to do. My boyfriend wants to move in with me, but he still wants to see
LUKE Let me tell you something. You don't let him move in unless he's willing to make a
TERRY Thanks, Luke.
LUKE So, you wanna go in the bedroom?
TERRY Sure, as long as I'm here...
Terry stands up.
LUKE [to Al] Everyone comes to the answer man.
Luke gives Al the inflatable mask and leads Terry towards the bedroom, as Al watches in
LUKE [singing] You're once, twice, three times a lady, and I love...
Luke and Terry go inside the bedroom and close the door. A beat, then Luke opens the door and
changes the Vacant/Occupied sign on it to 'Occupied'.
Luke closes the door again. Sherry smiles at Al and indicates the cushion next to her. Al gets
up, laughing nervously, and sits down next to Sherry. He sips his drink and looks around
SHERRY So what do you do, Al?
AL Oh, I'm a... a... You know, a shoe thing.
SHERRY They're gonna be in there a while. Looks like you're stuck with me.
Al places the inflatable mask over his nose and mouth and takes a deep breath.
Peggy is sitting on the couch by the phone, looking impatient. The phone rings and she quickly
PEGGY [talking on the phone] Hello? Oh, hi Sis. Gee, you and Harriet must really be excited.
Oh, I wanted to tell you that Al and I are coming to the wedding. [beat] Well, don't
cry... I have to bring Al. [beat] Jose called off the wedding?? Why? [beat] He won the
Lottery?! Oh, poor Harriet. [beat] Well, I'll tell Al. He'll just be devastated, but
maybe we'll see you for Schnitzel Week. [beat] I love you too.
Peggy puts the receiver down and sighs. Kelly comes in.
PEGGY Hi, Kel.
KELLY Hi, Mom. Is Dad in the bathroom?
KELLY If he's not in the bathroom, and he's not watching television, where else could he be?
PEGGY Oh, I think your father's working late.
Kelly looks at her watch.
KELLY The shoe store closed hours ago. You had a fight, didn't you?
PEGGY Of course not. What would we fight about?
KELLY Oh, the fact that you have no money and Bud and I are great disappointments to you?
PEGGY You are not disappointments.
Kelly sits down next to Peggy.
PEGGY Look, we did have a fight, but don't worry. Your father will be home soon.
KELLY Well, I hope wherever Dad is he's nowhere near another woman. Mom, I hate to tell you,
but as a boyfriend-stealer myself, the best time to get them is right after a fight.
PEGGY [chuckling] Oh, who would want your father?
KELLY Mom, let me tell you. When a woman gets to be around your age, they get real desperate.
I've seen them at the mall. Their hungry, vacant eyes scanning the escalators. Pretending
to shop near the men's dressing rooms, praying that some man - any man! - will walk up
and say: "Does this tie go with this shirt?" I don't have to tell you what's next. Can I
have Dad's chicken?
PEGGY Sure, Honey. Why don't you take it upstairs?
Kelly gets up and picks up the bowl of chicken wings that's sitting on the coffee table.
PEGGY Oh, look, don't worry about Daddy. He'll be home soon.
Kelly heads upstairs.
PEGGY [trying to reassure herself] And I know where he is. He's over at Telly's bar, having a
beer, watching the game on the big screen, lying about how many shoes he's sold...
Peggy looks to make sure Kelly has gone upstairs, then picks up the phone and dials.
PEGGY [talking on the phone] Hello, Telly? Uh, is Al Bundy there? [beat] Well, could you check
Back at Luke's pad
Sherry is standing next to the closed bathroom door.
SHERRY So my sister and I got jobs as stewardesses because we thought that's the way to become
We hear a flushing sound, then Al comes out of the bathroom. They walk back to the couch.
SHERRY The reason she's in first class and I'm in coach is 'cause she's much smarter than I am.
One time I went into the cockpit and I actually saw her sitting on the pilot's lap,
helping him fly the plane. She must've been very good, because he told the co-pilot to
Al takes this in.
SHERRY [indicating Al's arms] Man, you have very strong forearms.
AL [proudly] Yeah?
SHERRY It must be from all that flushing.
AL Well, y'know, that and, y'know, working out.
SHERRY Yeah. You know, men are always making passes at me because they think stewards are easy,
but we're not.
We hear Terry from the bedroom.
TERRY [o.s.] Oh, Luke! Luke!! Luke!!!
SHERRY [calling out] He's not out here, Sis!
Al gets an odd look on his face.
SHERRY Let me ask you something, Al. What's a nice guy look for in a girl?
AL Uh... [thinks] You. Really. You - you're beautiful, and, uh, you're blonde, and, uh,
you're facing me. Yeah, I like that in a woman. Don't worry. The right guy is going to
SHERRY You know, I really feel comfortable with you. Like, I can talk to you and be myself, and
I don't have to live up to any of those sterotype expectations everyone has of a
stewardess. You know, always waiting on people, attending to their needs... Would you
care for a beverage?
AL No, thanks.
SHERRY I'm looking for a serious commitment. Someone who'll stay the night.
AL Then I gotta think there's some guy out there for you.
SHERRY I hope so. See, I'm not like my sister. I need a man to make me whole.
Sherry, arching her back, bulges her breasts and tosses her hair. Al stands up.
AL [breathless] Well, I think I'd better get going.
SHERRY You want a massage?
AL [after a beat] Sure.
Al sits back down and Sherry massages his shoulders.
SHERRY Ooh, you're tense.
AL And there are tears in my eyes.
Al stands up again.
AL Well, I better get going home.
Sherry also gets up.
SHERRY Can I come with you?
AL [to himself] What are my chances Peg's in a coma? [shakes his head] No. [to Sherry] Uh,
listen: I - I know that I'm in a bachelor's pad, and that I've got the forearms of a
Jabba man, but, uh, I gotta tell you: I'm, uh, married with children.
SHERRY [smiling] That's okay.
AL Excuse me.
Al turns away from Sherry and cools himself with a hand fan. He turns back to her.
AL Uh, listen. You're really, really great, and any guy would be lucky - I mean 'jackpot
lucky' - to be with you. But, I hope you'll understand, see, I've been married a long
time, and it just wouldn't be right. You got any pictures of yourself? [shakes his head]
No, no, that wouldn't be right either. Listen, I gotta go. Take care.
SHERRY [admiringly] You are so honorable. Your wife must be really wonderful.
AL Well, she's a pip. But she's my pip.
The bedroom door opens. Terry is standing there wearing a towel and holding a video camera, with
Luke behind her.
TERRY Hey guys, you wanna make a movie?
AL [facing Sherry] Yes I do. Goodbye.
Al gets his coat and heads for the door.
AL [near tears] Yes I do!
Peggy is sitting on the couch, drumming her fingers impatiently on the coffee table, where the
phone is now sitting. She picks up the receiver, listens, and puts it back down. We hear Al's
car come to a halt outside the house. Peggy quickly puts the phone back in its place and stands
facing the door. Al comes in holding a paper bag.
PEGGY Oh, gee, Al, I'm so glad you're home.
Al takes a long-haired blonde wig out of the paper bag and holds it up.
AL Wear this.
Peggy takes the wig and he carries her upstairs over his shoulder.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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