HAVE YOU DRIVEN A FORD LATELY?
Ed O'Neill..................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.................Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..............Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..............Bud Bundy
Mike the dog................Buck
Al is sitting on the couch watching TV. There is a box of Kleenex on the coffee table.
He turns the TV off and blows his nose. Meanwhile, Peg comes down the stairs.
She looks at him.
Peg: Oh, Al, were you watching "Shane" again?
She sits on the couch next to him.
Al: Nah. Phone company commercial. It had this father and this kid, they were walking
down this country road, or alley, or something, they were kicking this rock, or pine
cone, or something, and then the father was old, and the kid was grown up, and
[smiles] he called him. Oh man [wipes his eyes]. You know, Peg, I wish Bud lived far
away so I could call him.
Peg: How many beers did you have tonight, Al?
Al: I don't know. Kids grow up so fast. You know, sometimes I don't think we spend enough
time with ours, you know? Have dinner with them, touch them, kick things... I miss
that. [calling:] Bud! Bud, come down here!
Bud comes running down the stairs.
Bud: What'd I do, dad?
Al: Nothing, it's just that I don't get to talk to you too much anymore.
He takes Bud's hand.
Al: How's the fourth grade?
Bud: Fifth grade, dad.
He goes to get his jacket.
Al: How about that, Peg? [to Bud:] Bud, uh, where are you going tonight?
Bud: I'm going down the block to Joey's house to watch TV.
Al: Fine. Oh, uh, Bud?
Bud: Yeah, dad?
Al: [emotionally] If you're gonna be late - call?
Bud gives him a funny look and leaves.
Al: That's a moment he'll always remember.
Peg: Hey Al, let's go out tonight. You know, to a restaurant or something.
Al makes an unenthusiastic sound.
Peg: Oh, come on. When we were dating we used to go out all the time.
Al: Eating costs a fortune, Peg. Besides, we have other expenses right now. In a couple of
years our kids are probably going to want to go to college...
He looks at Peg and they both burst out laughing.
Al: All right, where do you wanna go eat?
The doorbell rings.
Peg: Ooh, that must be Steve and Marcy. [gets up] I told them we'd go out to eat with them.
She goes to open the door.
Al: You just lost yourself a meal, Peg.
Peg: Oh, Al.
She opens the door to Steve and Marcy.
Steve: Hey, neighbors! Ready to put on the old feed bag?
They come in and Peg closes the door.
Marcy: What do you feel like?
Steve starts massaging her shoulders.
Marcy: Japanese? Thai? Moroccan?
Peg: Oh, Al only eats plain food. You know, like burgers and pizza.
She sits on the couch.
Steve: Come on, Al! Live a little. You can't go through your whole life ordering food through a
Al: Oh yeah?
He turns to Peg and holds her mouth open.
Al: [shouting into Peg's mouth] Cook some food!
Al and Peg laugh. Marcy turns away and buries her face in Steve's chest.
He pats her back consolingly.
Peg: [to Al] Let's go out to eat, honey.
Al: Eh, what the hell, I ain't paying for it.
Peggy pats his knee fondly.
Peg: That's my man.
They get up. A car is heard honking outside. Kelly comes running down the stairs.
Kelly: Got a date. Gotta run. Bye mom, bye dad.
Al stops her at the door.
Al: Hey, hold it a minute. Some guy honks his horn, you come running? I want to meet him.
Kelly: You can't. Roger doesn't meet parents. It's his policy.
Al: Look, Roger sounds like a very nice boy, but I think I'll meet him anyway. By the way,
what's his last name?
Kelly: I don't know. But don't make him drive off, 'cause I love him.
Al goes outside.
Steve: Uh, maybe I'd better go out there to make sure Al doesn't do anything stupid.
He goes outside and closes the door.
Kelly: This is so embarrassing. I just know dad's gonna misinterpret the dog collar around
Some time later...
Marcy and Peg are sitting on the couch seesawing their legs while Kelly paces back and forth
behind the couch. Marcy looks at her watch and gets up.
Marcy: I can't believe they've been out there for more than an hour. What could they be doing?
Peg: It is a long time for two people with nothing in common to be spending together. But
then again, Steve went out to make sure Al doesn't do anything stupid. That could take
Al and Steve come in, smiling and looking pleased.
Kelly: Can I go now, dad?
Al: Sure, honey, go ahead. Have a good time, sweetheart.
Kelly: [bitterly] Sure, I'll have a great time. The big windows at school are probably smashed
Peg: Al, we're starving. What were you two doing out there for so long?
Al: Peg, we just outsmarted a teenage boy.
He sits on the couch.
Steve: We sure did. [to Marcy:] Honey, you wouldn't believe it, but underneath all that rust
that kid was actually driving a '65 Mustang!
Marcy: That's what you were doing for an hour? Looking at a 20-year-old rusted pile of junk?
Al: No, of course not. We bought it!
Marcy: [to Steve, angrily:] You made a major purchase without consulting me?!
Steve: It's a car, honey. For us "hombres", right Al?
Al: [smiling] You betcha, you betcha Steverino!
Marcy: [to Steve] Tell me, "Steverino": did it ever occur to you that we don't need another car?
Steve: It's not just a car, honey - it's a piece of history! A 289 with dual carbs and a pony
Marcy: [looking troubled] Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.
Al: [to Peg] He was, honey. Do you believe it? He had a Mustang when he was in college. I
always wanted one but I could never afford it.
Peg: I hate to break this to you, Al, but we still can't.
Al: [smiling happily] Sure we can. The car we bought is a total piece of junk.
Steve: Yeah. Besides, we split it. We're gonna restore it, make it worth a lot of money, and
never sell it.
Al: Come on, Steve! [gets up] Let's get out in that garage and strip the rust off this baby.
Peg: Hey! What about taking us to dinner?
Al: Honey, we can't afford to eat out now. We just bought a car!
Peg stomps her hand angrily. Al and Steve go into the garage.
Kelly comes in and heads upstairs.
Kelly: [dejectedly] Good night, Mom.
Peg: I thought you had a date.
Kelly stops at the bottom of the stairs.
Kelly: Well, Roger said he sold his car to a couple of idiots. You think I'm gonna be seen
walking with a guy who wears a dog collar?
We see the Bundys' living room. Sawing noises can be heard from the garage.
Peg and Marcy come in, Marcy carrying two bags of groceries, and walk to the kitchen.
Marcy: I hate that car, and everything it stands for!
Peg: Well, you have to admit the boys have certainly been getting along this week.
Marcy: [angrily] Oh, who cares!
She puts the bags of groceries on the counter and Peg starts emptying it.
Marcy: That car is beginning to take over our lives. This morning I brought it to Steve's
attention that his fingernails were dirty. You know what he said? He said: "it's not
dirt, it's Mustang juice, baby".
She sits at the kitchen table.
Peg: Well, Al is re-awakening certain ugly man-like qualities in Steve, but this could
work to our advantage.
She puts a carton of juice, a pie and two cups on the table.
Peg: You see, they bought something that we hate without asking us, and that is bad. [sits]
But now we have the right to go out and buy whatever we want without asking them, and
that is good. [seeing Marcy's doubtful look, she adds:] It's in the Bible.
Marcy: But we can't afford to buy anything.
Peg: Well, then let's just be mean as hell.
Al and Steve come in from the garage in working clothes. Al is carrying a carburator.
Al: Peg, Marcy, we justed wanted you to know we re-built one of the carburators in the
They start heading back to the garage, but Peg calls after them:
Peg: Yoo-hoo! Road warriors!
They stop and turn around.
Peg: We're bored.
Marcy: And mean as hell.
Al: You want to come out in the garage and use one of the sanders?
Peg: Not on the car.
She and Marcy exchange smiles.
Marcy: You still owe us a dinner.
Peg: That's right. We've been patient. We can't force you to go to bed with us, but we insist
you take us out to eat.
Marcy nods in agreement.
Al: Okay. [to Steve:] Is the steak place okay with you, buddy?
Steve: You got it.
Marcy: Steve! We're vegeterian. You don't eat meat.
Steve: Honey, I'm working on a car.
Al and Steve go back into the garage. Marcy mimics Steve.
Steve and Marcy are sitting on the couch in the Bundy living room in evening clothes.
Steve: I'm sorry I neglected you all week, Marcy. I don't know what got into me.
Marcy: It was the car, Steve. But it has brought you closer to Al, so at least we don't have to
suffer that uneasiness whenever we come over here.
Kelly is heard shouting upstairs:
Kelly: You can't be serious. I have to stay with Bud so you can go out with those creepy boring
people that live next door?
Peg: [upstairs] Yes.
Kelly: [coming down the stairs] I have to waste a night of my glory days with a couple of
She sees Steve and Marcy.
Kelly: Oh, hi Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades. Nice to see you, as always.
Bud: [calling from upstairs] Kelly, could you please bring me a tissue?
Kelly: [shouting] Get one yourself, you little zit!
Bud appears at the top of the stairs holding one of Kelly's bras, which is stuffed with tissues.
Bud: [waving the bra, smiling] Never mind. I found a whole bunch of them in your bra.
Kelly: [to the Rhoades, smiling sweetly:] Excuse me.
She runs up the stairs after Bud.
Steve: [to Marcy] You're still on the pill, aren't you?
Marcy nods. Al and Peg come down the stairs.
Peg: Sorry to keep you waiting. We had to dig through the hamper to find a shirt for Al.
Steve looks disgusted. Al and Peg put on their coats.
Marcy: Peggy, did you make the reservation?
Peg: Oh yes. And we're gonna get a great table. We made it under the name of Doctor Bundy. Oh,
and by the way, Marcy, we told them it was your birthday so we'd get a free cake. Just
play along when the waiter starts singing.
Steve: Well, I could eat a horse.
He gets up. The phone rings and Al goes to answer it.
Steve: [to Peg] I won't be, will I?
Peg: [shouting] Kelly! We're leaving! The phone number's on the refrigerator and make sure
Bud is asleep by ten.
Kelly appears at the top of the stairs.
Kelly: He's already sleeping, mom.
We hear muffled screaming from upstairs.
Peg: Oh, I love you too, Bud. [to the Rhoades:] We're ready to go!
Al: [waving a note] Great news! I got an original ashtray for the car.
Steve: [excitedly] An ashtray?
Al: Yeah. We gotta go right now, though, 'cause he's got another offer.
Marcy: Forget it!
Peg: That's right. We're going to dinner.
Al: The restaurant will hold our reservations because, after all, it's your birthday and I'm
a doctor. Come on girls, we're going to the ghetto!
Al and Steve lead their wives outside.
Al and Steve come in. Al is holding a red ashtray.
Al: It's beautiful. Look at it, Steve. It's a virgin.
Steve kneels to have a closer look.
Al: There has never been a cigarette in that ashtray.
Peg comes in and puts her cigarette in the ashtray.
Al: Are you irritated, Peg, 'cause we left you in the car when we went upstairs to haggle
over the price?
Peg: [sarcastically] Oh no, I had a great time. I like sitting in a car that's being rocked
back and forth by grown men yelling "hubba hubba, my name is Bubba". But I think Marcy's
a little ticked.
Marcy comes in and slams the door.
Marcy: [indignantly] This is the worst birthday I've ever had. I've never been so humiliated.
Peg: What about me? They offered me 20 dollars.
Marcy: They offered me 30.
Peg: That was for both of us, pretty mama.
Al: I got them to leave, didn't I?
Peg: Oh yes you did, honey, and you were so clever. I wish I had thought of throwing my purse
down the street.
Al: Nothing I ever do is good enough for you, is it, Peg? I'm gonna go put the ashtray in the
Steve: And I'll help.
They go into the garage. Peg sighs and sits on the couch.
Marcy: [furiously] I swear to God, as soon as Steve goes to sleep tonight I'm gonna smash that
car into little bits. Except for the ashtray. I have special plans for that.
She sits next to Peg.
Peg: Well, maybe we've been too hard on the guys. Cars are in their blood. You see, with men,
they hear the engine and think it's their engine. They see the slick and smooth lines of
the car and they think they're slick and smooth. Then they reach for that stick shift
and, uh... well. [laughs] You know what I mean.
Meanwhile in the garage:
Steve is sitting in the Mustang. He grasps the stick shift.
Steve: I don't know. There's something about a stick shift.
Al: Yeah. I don't know what it is. That's a nice one, isn't it?
Steve: You got the ashtray ready?
Al: Yeah, right here.
He gives Steve the ashtray.
Al: Be my guest.
Steve puts the ashtray into place and sighs with satisfaction. He gets out of the car.
Steve: You know something? [puts his hand on Al's shoulder] It doesn't get any better than this.
Al also puts his hand on Steve's shoulder.
Al: You know, Steve, you're not my kind of guy or anything and I don't want to hand around
with you, but you know your cars.
Steve: Oh, thanks, Al. Remember, I used to have one of these babies. Oh, gee, I loved that car.
Those were the days. You know, I really meant something then.
Al: You used to buy a car to have fun. Now you worry about four doors, mileage, whether or
not you'll survive a head-on collision... I mean, who cares?
Steve: Looking cool, going fast - that's what cars should be for.
Steve checks his reflection in one of the car's mirrors.
Steve: Hey Al, do you think we'll still look cool?
Al: What are we, old men?
He laughs and starts coughing. Steve pats his back.
Al: These things [gestures towards the car] are classics. Everyone looks cool in these
Steve: Oh, wait till we get this thing finished.
We see Steve's fantasy, where he and Al are cruising in the Mustang, wearing sunglasses, with
"Born To Be Wild" playing in the background.
Steve's fantasy ends and he smiles and looks at Al.
Al: Yeah, it's gonna be great, buddy.
Al also has a fantasy, where he's driving the Mustang with two babes beside him. They see Steve
trying to hitch a ride at the side of the road and wave to him without stopping. Al's fantasy
ends and he and Steve look at each other and toast beer cans.
Peg is sitting at the table in the kitchen while Marcy is making a salad.
Marcy: There's nothing like a nice healthy salad.
Peg: Yeah, it's much better than going to some restaurant where you can sit back and relax
while some peon serves your every need.
Marcy puts two plates of salad on the table.
Peg: No beverage?
She goes to the refrigerator, takes out two cans and puts them on the table, and then sits next
Marcy: I never thought I could have this much hate for an inanimate object.
Peg: You mean Al?
Marcy: Yeah - and that car.
Peg: Well, you know, Marce, the love of a nice automobile is not just a guy thing. You
can't tell me you never dated a guy because of his car.
Peg: Come on...
Marcy: Well - don't tell Steve - but there was this guy in high school. He had a GTO. A black
one. But I finally had to break up with him because - this is so disgusting - he wanted
to... you know... get me in the back seat of the car.
Peg: So did you?
Marcy: Of course not! It's so dirty and tawdry.
Peg: No it isn't.
Marcy: [shocked] You did that?
Peg: Well, sure! It gets expensive chipping in for a hotel every few days.
Marcy: I just never could. Steve wanted to, but I'm glad we didn't. It's still our family car.
We put groceries back there.
Al comes in from the garage.
Al: Good news, girls: we got the ashtray in.
Marcy: Where's Steve?
Al: He's still out there, playing with the top. You know he gets carried away.
Marcy: I'm gonna go get him. It's late and we have to go pick out his clothes for tomorrow.
She goes to the garage. The phone rings and Peg answers it.
Peg: [on the phone] Hello? Albany? Collect?? Hell, no, I'm not going to -
Al snatches the phone from her hand.
Al: [on the phone] We'll pay for the charges! Hello? Dr. Mustang! You got the ornament?
[to Peg:] He got the little horse.
Peg: [sarcastically] Yee-ha.
Al: [on the phone] You got yourself a deal. I'll send the check in the morning. Best to Mrs.
He puts the phone back in its place.
Al: [excitedly] The little horse! Come on, we gotta go tell Steve.
Peg: [bitterly] Don't you two want to be alone for this?
They go into the garage. The Mustang's top is up, and after a moment Marcy's dress is thrown on
the windowsill, and then her shoes. We hear Steve and Marcy giggling.
Peg: [quietly to Al:] Oh, isn't that sweet? It's their first time in the car. Come on, honey.
They start to leave and he stops suddenly.
Al: [quietly] Wait a minute, Peg.
Al: [shouting] Hey Steve! We got the horse!
Steve's head pops up.
Steve: All right!
His head pops down again.
Al and Peg sneak back outside and close the door.
Marcy is sitting stiffly on the couch. Peg comes from the kitchen with a tray with four cups and
a bottle of wine.
Peg: Well, it's almost time for the unveiling. To tell you the truth, I'm kinda curious.
She sits next to Marcy.
Peg: I haven't seen it since they painted it. Aren't you getting excited?
Marcy: What's that supposed to mean?
She looks away.
Peg: Come on, Marce. It's been three weeks. You can look me in the eye.
Marcy: I can't help it. I'm still so embarrassed. Especially around Al. He doesn't say anything
but I know every time he looks at me he's thinking about how he caught us in that car.
Peg: Believe me, I've known him a long time, and when Al's not talking he is not thinking.
Al comes in from the garage.
Al: Girls, time for the unveiling.
Marcy: Big deal.
Al: Hey, it will be for you, Marce: this is your big chance to see the outside of the car.
Peggy smiles. She and Marcy follow Al into the garage, where the Mustang is covered with a blue
cloth. Steve is there holding a camera.
Peg: Gee, it's beautiful.
Al: Shut up, Peg. Now, this is a big moment, I wanna make sure it's right.
Steve: Okay, ready!
Al uncovers the Mustang, which is now clean and shiny and looks new. Steve takes a picture.
Peg: Oh, Al, it really is beautiful.
Al: Yeah, we know. Come on, let's take this baby for a spin! Girls, get in the back seat.
Peg, Marcy can show you the way.
Peg and Marcy get in the back.
Al: Steve, I'll drive. We'll take a nice little spin in the country. You seat and lean coolly
out the window; we'll pretend these [gestures towards Peg and Marcy] are our mothers.
Al and Steve get in the car.
Al: [singing] Born to be -
Steve: [singing] Born to be -
Al tries to ignite the car. He manages to do so in his third attempt.
Al: ... Wild!
Steve: ... Wild!
Marcy comes in, smiling. A bruised and injured Al follows her, supported by Steve and Peggy.
Peg: I'm sorry about the car, honey. You couldn't have known it was stolen.
Steve: I think Al might have gone a little overboard starting the fight with that policeman.
Al sits on the couch.
Peg: Now, Al just had it in his head that the cop might have been an impersonator.
She sits on the couch next to Al.
Peg: Sorry I put that in your head, Al.
Marcy: [loudly] By the way, Al, they say the effects of the stun gun will wear off in a few
Peg: Yeah, you know, you were really holding your own until that angry mob showed up. I wonder
where those farmers got their stun guns.
Steve sits down on the couch and puts his arm around Al's shoulder.
Steve: Well, there goes our dream, old buddy. [louder:] Al, they impounded the car. We'll never
see it again, except at the trial. Well, at least one good thing came out of this: we
found out we could all have a good time together, and that's more important than any car.
Marcy: Here here!
Steve: It's still early. Why don't we go out and get some dinner? [gets up] Kick back and lick
Peg helps Al up and they all head towards the door.
Marcy: How about Japanese? Thai? Mooccan?
Steve: Whatever. Al won't know the difference.
Steve, Marcy and Peg go outside. Al closes the door after them and waves.
He sits back down on the couch and turns the TV on.
The frame freezes and we hear "Born To Be Wild" again.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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