EPISODE 0104 (003)
BUT I DIDN'T SHOOT THE DEPUTY
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck
J. Jay Saunders.........Bronson
Peggy is sitting on the couch, eating bonbons and watching a quiz show on TV. Buck is with her,
lying across her lap.
TV [quizmaster] And for one hundred dollars, name the chief export of the United States.
TV [contestant] Machinery.
TV [quizmaster] Machinery is correct! Now, which state boasts the most U.S. Presidents?
TV [contestant] Virginia!
TV [quizmaster] Virginia is correct! Now, which side of the brain controls analytical
PEGGY The right!
TV [contestant] The left!
TV [quizmaster] The left is correct! And we'll be right back after this brief commercial
Peggy looks displeased. A commercial comes on the TV.
TV Hey America! Who do you call when you don't want to cook?
TV Ahabís is correct! [Peggy looks pleased with herself] Yes, Ahabís for fish and fowl. Yes,
opening soon in an economically depressed area near you.
Al's car is heard driving up.
PEGGY Ooh. [Turns off the TV] Daddy's home. [to Buck] Come on.
Peggy claps her hands for Buck to get off the couch.
PEGGY Hi, honey. How was your day at the shoe store?
AL I'll tell ya something, Peg. Feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly
PEGGY Well, you knew that going in, Al.
AL [stretching] Yeah. Oh, my back is so tight. [He takes his shirt off] Wish I had someone to
rub it... like a wife. [He sits on the couch and looks over at Peg] Hey, there's one now!
PEGGY How 'bout my back? You know, Al, I work hard all day too.
AL Yeah? Doing what?
Peggy cannot think of an answer. She gives in and starts massaging Al's back.
AL Ahahahahaha. Ohhh, that feels good.
She kisses Al on the neck. Al takes wind of this and turns around to kiss Peggy.
AL Where are the kids?
AL What if they come down?
PEGGY I'll take care of that. [calls upstairs] Bud! Kelly! You want to come down and help me in
Two doors are heard slamming shut.
PEGGY There. That should buy us about 10 minutes... 7 more than we'll need.
AL Where were we?
They both lie down on the couch and get to work. A group of neighbors, of whom include Steve,
Marcy and two guys named Muldoon and Norris, enter suddenly.
MULDON We're here, Bundy!
Al picks his head up suddenly and stares at the incoming people.
MULDON Bundy, Bundy, Bundy. Don't you know you shouldn't leave your door unlocked? It's an
invitation to intruders.
AL [to Peggy] What are they doing here?
PEGGY They're the Neighborhood Watch. I invited them.
AL To watch this?!?
Al and Peggy sit up.
STEVE Uh, hi Peggy; uh, Al. Hope we're not interrupting anything.
AL Naaaah, just going to have a little sex with the wife! What the heck, there's always next
MARCY Our house was robbed this afternoon.
AL Gee, that's too bad, Marce. You wanna hand me my shirt?
Marcy picks up his t-shirt caustiously and gives it to Al.
PEGGY What'd they steal?
STEVE Mostly small stuff. Our radio, Marcy's earrings, our cameras, our answering machine...
MARCY God only knows who called.
PEGGY Well, at least they didn't take anything valuable.
MULDON Yeah, this time; but I know how these vermin work.
As he talks, he walks around the room handing a beer to each of the guys.
MULDON They take your little crap then come back later with a truck for your big crap.
When he reaches Al, there is no beer left, so Al is handed the empty can rings.
MULDON Not going to happen to my house. I'm ready for 'em. I've got 50 thousand volts going
through my window bars, I've got a bucket of battery acid hanging over the back door, I
got 30 aut 6 rigged to the front doorknob.
STEVE Then how do you get into your house?
MULDON Wouldn't you like to know! Now, the question before us is: what are we going to do about
MARCY I say we hunt the scum down, then we run them over with our cars. Then we get out these
fish hooks, and we...
MARCY I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. It's just that I feel violated. Someone's been
in my home and my bedroom. I feel so helpless.
AL We'd all feel helpless in your bedroom, Marce.
NORRIS Al, you got anymore beer?
AL No. And in all the excitement, I forgot to ask: why are you meeting in my house?
NORRIS 'Cause our wives didn't want you in ours.
Another neighbor, Bronson, enters.
BRONSN Hi! Did I miss anything?
AL You want me back on my wife?
Peggy nudges Al.
BRNSN Not on my account. I just wanna say I'm just sorry that you got robbed.
AL Wasn't me, it was [points to Steve and Marcy] them.
BRNSN Yeah, it was you! Someone smashed your car windshield, stole your radio and wrote "wash
me" on your hood.
Al quickly gets up to see the damage.
AL My car?? They stole my radio?
MULDON Hey Bundy, the thieves have a point. You really oughta wash your car.
AL Get out! [opens the door] Out! Out! Pretend there's a keg on the lawn. Out! OUT!
The neighbors leave, while Steve and Marcy remain.
AL I can't believe they stole my radio right in front of my house!
Steve pats Al on the shoulder to comfort him.
STEVE I know how you feel.
AL If you did, Steve, you wouldn't be touching me.
Steve removes his hand.
MARCY Maybe we should get more involved in the Neighborhood Watch.
AL Look. You can't depend on anybody but yourself. I've put it off long enough -- I'm buying
MARCY A gun is not the answer. You can't curtail to the criminal element by sinking to their
AL Oh, excuse me, Miss "Let's run them over and get out the fish hooks"!
MARCY I was upset; I wasn't thinking clearly.
PEGGY Yes; she wasn't using the left, or analytical, portion of the brain.
The others look at Peggy.
AL I'm definitely getting a gun. And I advise you to do the same.
STEVE Now, come on. There's got to be a more humane way of protecting our home and possessions.
MARCY There is. We'll get a dog. A good watch dog.
AL That's a great idea. Iíve got a dog!
Al runs over to Buck, who is lying on the floor, and speaks to him.
AL Oh, Buck, look! Strangers in the house, boy. Kill 'em, Buck! Go, kill 'em! [Buck puts his
head on his paws] Whooooaaa, big fella.
MARCY I don't mean a stupid dog. I'm talking about a real dog. A guard dog. A Doberman. Steve,
first thing tomorrow, we're going to one of those deadly doggie places.
STEVE Yes, Al. Because we're against guns and the voilence they stand for.
MARCY That's right. A dog. A vicious dog. With sharp teeth that'll go through a jugular like a
hot knife cutting through butter on a warm summer night.
STEVE Come on, dear.
Steve leads Marcy out of the house.
MARCY So the next guy who tries to get in my bedroom uninvited will walk out on bloody stumps!
The Bundys are having breakfast. Steve and Marcy's new dog is heard barking.
AL When's the last time you called to complain about the dog?
PEGGY Yesterday. But Marcy said to stop calling. She said the ringing makes him bark.
AL Everything makes him bark!
BUD Hey, Dad? It's been two weeks and you haven't even let me see the gun yet. Let alone pick
off a pigeon or two.
PEGGY Bud, guns are not toys. They are lethal weapons and should only be handled by responsible
BUD Well, when Dad was practicing his quick draws at the TV during Donahue...
AL Ah, Bud, number one - shut up. And number two - it was Phil's salute to The Huge and Fat
Women's carcass; number three - there were no bullets in the gun. Your mother took them
out and hid them for safety reasons... and she won't tell me where!
KELLY Guns, guns, guns. Can't anybody talk about me for a change?
AL Okay, Kelly... where were you last night?
KELLY So, Dad, what kind of gun did you buy?
The doorbell rings. Peggy goes to answer it.
The dog is still barking loudly. Peggy opens the door to Steve and Marcy. Both are wearing huge
foam arm protectors. Steve holds out a cup.
STEVE Hi Peg. Borrow a cup of kibble? We ran out and the dog's still hungry.
AL What's the matter, the neighbour's cat didn't fill him up?
STEVE That cat was taunting him, Al.
PEGGY Gee, you two look cute. You know, I can't get Al to dress unisex at all.
STEVE Oh, this is protective gear. Y'see, Bella still hasn't accepted us as his rightful owners.
AL You named that dog after Bela Lugosi?
STEVE No, Abzug.
MARCY We thought it was kind of cute... But he won't wear the hat.
STEVE Oh, listen Al, by the way, we want to apologize about your fence.
AL What happened to my fence?
STEVE Bella ate through it.
MARCY It was just a little piece.
STEVE Yeah, not much really. About the size of a human face.
AL Rhoades, what are going to do about this?
STEVE Look, we'll handle this the way we dealt with the cat incident: Get estimates, and we'll
make it good.
MARCY Look, we know Bella can be loud, and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts,
but at least he's a good protector.
BUD Gee, Mom, that's just what you say about Dad.
MULDON Prowler! They just hit the Johnson's. TV and major appliances. We're all meeting at the
Bowl 'n' Brew to calm ourselves down.
STEVE Ha! See that? They didn't hit our place. That's what a good dog will do for ya. Come on,
Marcy, grab the meal and the mace. [they start out] It's time to feed our doggie!
The Bundy bedroom.
Al and Peg are in bed, asleep. One of them is snoring. It is silent, until a crash is heard
outside. Al sits up, alarmed. Peggy continues snoring. Al wakes her up.
AL Peg! Did you hear that?
Peggy wakes and sits up.
PEGGY How can I hear anything the way you snore?
Another sound is heard.
PEGGY Oh, Al. What was that?
AL I don't know.
Another crash is heard. Al gets out of bed.
AL Don't worry; I'll go check.
PEGGY Nonono, Al, call the police!
AL For a noise?
PEGGY It might be a burglar. Call the police.
Al picks up the phone, listens for a beat, then hangs it up again.
AL Can't -- Kelly's on the phone.
Al gets something from his bedside drawer.
PEGGY What are you doing?
AL Getting my gun! Peg, are you going to tell me where you put the bullets now or are you
going to wait till the kids see our pictures in the paper??
PEGGY Come on, Al, I had to hide the bullets so Bud wouldn't find them.
AL Where are they??
PEGGY They're in the finger holes of your new bowling ball.
Al cringes. He retrieves his bowling ball and starts shaking out the bullets.
AL Oh, this is real easy, Peg. This is much better than keeping them handy! Even an axe-
wielding maniac deserves an even break.
PEGGY Hurry, Al!
AL Where's Buck? Shouldn't he be barking?
PEGGY I don't know.
Buck runs into the room and onto the bed.
AL Ohh, you shiftless, worthless, dirty...
Al takes his bullets and gun and leaves the room. Peggy picks up the bowling ball, hoists it
above her head and follows out after Al.
Al creeps downstairs in the dark.
AL Peg, stay at the top of the stairs. If anything happens, get the kids and lock yourself in
a room. And if Kelly's off the phone, call the police.
Al listens for another sound.
AL It's coming from the patio.
PEGGY Oh, be careful, Al.
AL I will.
Al sneaks over to the back door and gets ready to heave it open. He does so, but unfortunately
the door is latched, so it doesn't open as Al had expected. He cries out in effort. He unlatches
the door, then opens it. Peggy watches from the top of the stairs.
AL [o.s.] Okay, creep! I see ya! Freeze or I'll shoot!
A gun shot is heard. Peggy, Kelly and Bud run downstairs.
PEGGY Oh my God. Al! Al! Oh.
Al comes back in, unscathed.
PEGGY Oh Al, are you all right?
PEGGY What happened out there?
AL I just shot Steve and Marcy's dog.
Al, Peggy, Kelly and Bud are gathered around the kitchen table. Al's gun is on the table also.
PEGGY How could you shot a dog?
AL It didn't look like a dog, Peg. All I'd seen were these two yellow eyes staring at me from
the bushes. I told him to freeze, but I thought it made a move at me, and I panicked.
KELLY You couldn't tell the difference between a dog and a human being?
AL He was wearing a hat! Kelly, honey, I was trying to protect our family.
BUD That's right, Kel. Dad did a good thing. Can I go out and see the body?
KELLY You're disgusting.
BUD And you're failing five classes.
AL Hey hey hey, kids, now listen to me. Now, I think we can all learn something from this.
BUD What, Dad?
AL I don't know. Go to bed.
BUD Aw, Dad!
KELLY I wouldn't argue with him, Bud, he's already killed once tonight.
Bud and Kelly go upstairs.
PEGGY You were very brave, Al.
AL Ohh. Wasn't anything that anybody else with the heart of a lion wouldn't have done! I
mean, you should've seen me, Peg. Yeah, I was a little nervous. But I got him right
between the eyes. And I tell ya, there's not a lot of space between those eyes.
PEGGY [awed] It was a nice shot, Al. You wanna go upstairs?
They start their way upstairs, only to be stopped by the ringing of the doorbell.
AL You don't suppose that's Steve and Marcy?
A knock at the door.
MARCY Peggy, Al, it's us!
PEGGY Oh no, it's them. What are we going to tell them?
AL I don't know. But if they don't bring it up, WE don't bring it up!
Al puts the gun down and casually opens the door to Steve and Marcy.
AL Heeeeey! Steve and Marcy! What brings you two crazy kids over here?
STEVE We heard a shot.
AL Ay! [to Peg] Peg, look who's here; it's Steve and Marcy from next door.
Peggy smiles and nods.
AL They heard a shot, Peg. [Peggy silently nods again] Are you going to say anything tonight,
Peggy smiles and shakes her head. Al turns his attention back to the Rhoades.
AL Ah, what was that you said you came over here for?
STEVE We thought we heard a shot, Al.
AL [to Peg] They thought they heard a shot, Peg. Did you hear a shot?
Peggy smiles and shakes her head.
Al [desperately] Say something, Peg!
PEGGY [thinking quickly] Well, I think if there'd been a shot, they're dog would've started
Steve and Marcy come inside.
STEVE Look, guys, I'm really sorry about that barking.
AL Oh, forget about it. We're friends and neighbors here. Weíre not going to let some stupid
dog come between us, are we?
MARCY Why isn't Bella barking? I haven't heard him in a while.
PEGGY Al, tell them.
Al sits Steve and Marcy on the couch then sits between them, laughing nervously.
AL You know, I tell ya, [he puts his arms around Steve's and Marcy's shoulders] I really love
you guys. Do, do you love me, huh?
STEVE Well, sure Al... You know... Not really.
PEGGY Tell them, Al.
AL I'm not going to tell them anything until they tell me they love me.
MARCY What's going on here?
AL All right. [he stands] Okay. But, uh, you gotta promise me that you'll let me finish.
STEVE Sure, Al.
AL I shot your dog... I'm finished.
Steve comforts a distraught Marcy.
STEVE Is he...?
MARCY Where is he?
AL Well, he's out in my yard. You can't miss him... I didn't.
STEVE [to Marcy] You stay here, I'm going to go check on Bella.
Steve runs out the back door to inspect.
MARCY You shot my puppy.
AL Look, I'm sorry. We had a prowler stalking our yard and your dog came to my defence. The
burglar, he took a shot at me, and I fired back and poor Bella got in the way and was
killed in the cross fire.
MARCY We only heard one shot.
AL It was a simultaneous exchange; I don't know! It happened so fast it's all a blur.
Steve comes back inside and does not look happy.
STEVE You shot my dog in the middle of a BOWEL MOVEMENT???
Marcy glares at Al, who shrugs. Marcy runs to Steve for solace.
MARCY Steve, is he really dead?
STEVE Yes, dear.
MARCY How do you know?
STEVE Well, number one - he didn't respond to any of my commands... and number two - his brains
are in the begonias.
MARCY [to Al] You killer!
PEGGY Ahh, anyone for cake or coffee?
AL Hey, now listen, I said that I was sorry. Let me make it up to you. Let me buy you another
MARCY For what, target practice?? [to Steve] We told him not to get a gun! [to Al] We told you
not to get a gun! But you had to go out and be Mr. Macho! Now you've taken an innocent
AL Hey now, wait a sec. This is not a defence, but that dog is anything but innocent. I mean,
he bit you, he ate a cat. Give him enough time, he would've robbed a bank! How much do you
want for him??
MARCY A thousand dollars.
AL A thousand dollars. For a dog that just sat there and let me shoot him.
STEVE You wanna get off cheap next time, go plug a squirrel.
MARCY All right! Forget the money. You know what I want.
AL Yes I do, and you're too late - Peg's already got 'em.
MARCY Your GUN, Al. Give me your gun.
AL All right.
Al fetches the gun.
MARCY I want to take it and throw it in the Chicago River so it will never hurt anyone again.
Al tentatively gives the gun to Marcy.
MARCY And from now on, we're just neighbors.
STEVE Now I know why we got our house so cheap.
AL Well that's done. Where were we?
PEGGY We were going upstairs... Dead Eye.
Al and Peggy go upstairs.
The next day.
Peggy is folding laundry. Al enters from the other back door.
AL Well, that's done. Old Bella's on his way to the landfill. Cost me twenty dollars and a six
pack for the garbage man. You'd think the dollar I give him at Christmas would be enough?
PEGGY Yeah. Oh, by the way, I washed your killing clothes. Have a nice day, honey.
Peggy goes upstairs with the laundry.
The doorbell rings and Al answers it to Steve.
STEVE Hi, Al. Uh, listen. Some words were said last night and we just want you to know that we
talked it over and we understand that you didn't do it on purpose. You didn't do it on
purpose, did you, Al?
AL Steve, I'm a pet owner myself.
STEVE Anyway, we decided to let it go and forgive you.
They shake hands.
AL Thanks, buddy.
STEVE So, I guess if you'll just uh... give me Bela's body, we can forget about the whole thing.
[Al looks worried] We want to give him a decent burial. You know, in our yard, under that
big tree where he did his business... except of course for that last one.
AL Gee, I don't know what to say, Steve. [thinks] Uh, yes I do. I can't let you do that. See,
Peg and I talked it over and we realised that since that I'm at fault, I should handle
everything. So let me take care of all the arrangements, huh?
STEVE Well, if it'd make you feel better, I guess that'd be all right. Marcy'll like that. We'll
do it tonight after work. See you then. Thanks, big guy. Oh uh, [he takes a bone out of
his coat pocket] Listen, uh... can you bury him with this? He really loved this bone.
Steve leaves, holding back tears.
AL Sure, buddy.
Al closes the door, then casually tosses the bone in a basket by the door.
AL [calling] Hey Peg, I'm late for work. Can I ask you to do me a little favor?
A small group of neighbors, plus Steve and Marcy, are gathered in their backyard. Marcy is
wearing dark glasses. The group is humming the tune of "Amazing Grace". Peg and Al heave a large
box in and put it in the ground.
AL How much for the crate?
PEGGY A hundred and fifty dollars.
AL A hundred and fifty dollars???
PEGGY Al, I didn't have time to comparison shop.
Peggy and Al join the group. The crowd stops humming.
STEVE Now I'd like to uh, say a few words on behalf of the dearly departed. As you know, Bela
was more than a dog to Marcy and me. He was family, one of us. Bela will be missed, but
his death was not in vain. He taught us about the value of life. [pointedly to Al] And
that guns and violence are not the answer to society's ills. And we can take consolation
in the knowledge that although he only lived one year in dog years, he lived seven in
As Steve continues with his speech, Al whispers to Peg.
AL I gotta hand it to you. What a great job. That crate even feels heavy enough to have a dog
in it. What'd you put in there anyway?
PEGGY Some rocks... and your bowling ball.
Al looks up, shocked, and glares at Peg. Then he breaks down, crying.
STEVE ... But knowing that he's right here in the backyard, where he was so happy... makes us
all feel a little less grief...
Steve notices Al crying and comforts him.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY LINDA DAY
WRITTEN BY RON BURLA
CREATED BY RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITORS SANDY SPRUNG AND MARCY VOSBURGH
CASTING MARC HIRSCHIELD, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING STEPHEN KOLZAK
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HUESEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION DON GREAT
PRODUCTION DESIGNER DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR GERRY CHOEN
STAGE MANAGERS RICHARD DRANEY, GARY HAMIREZ
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR SUSAN JANG
UNTI MANAGER STEVE MCINTIRE
TECHNICAL MANAGER TUG RENCHER
PRODUCTION SERVICES COORDINATOR MICHELLE BURRAGE
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR JIM RALSTON
LIGHTING DIRECTOR MARK BUXBAUM
AUDIO JERRY BARBER
VIDEOTAPE EDITOR ROGER AMES BERGER
RE-RECORDING TAMARA JOHNSON, CARROLL PRATT
COSTUMES MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST DOTTIE MCQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY FRAN MCCONNELL
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTER IN HOLLYWOOD
COPYRIGHT 1987 EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION KEN STUMP
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
would you like to contribute a script?
home on the range