SIXTEEN YEARS AND WHAT DO YOU GET?
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck
Ritch Shydner...........Luke Ventura
Elias Zarou.............Marcel the Chef
Richard Sanders.........Mr. Conner
The Bundy house.
Peggy and Al come downstairs in their nightclothes.
AL Oh God, the world is ugly in the morning.
PEGGY Come on Al, it's our anniversary and the kids wanted to fix us breakfast.
AL Yeah, they're great kids. By the way, Happy Anniversary.
They nearly kiss, but stop before their lips meet.
AL Did you brush your teeth this morning?
PEGGY No. You?
AL No. [they pause, then shake hands] Happy Anniversary, honey.
They enter the kitchen and sit at the table.
AL Oh, I could eat a horse.
PEGGY Yeah, me too, I'm hungry.
AL I don't smell anything cooking. [looks around] I don't see anything cooking. I'm gonna go
out on a limb here - nothing's cooking!
PEGGY I bet they made something ahead of time. They're hiding. [louder] Ready to surprise us.
Kelly and Bud come downstairs, also in their nightclothes.
BUD Oh, I'm starving! What's for breakfast?
PEGGY Kids! It's our anniversary. I thought you wanted to get up early and fix us breakfast?
KELLY Oh no, was that today? I'm sorry. Happy Anniversary. What's for breakfast?
PEGGY Well, I'll fix us something. What would you like?
Peggy gets out the breakfast ingredients while Al talks.
AL Well, I'd like some fried eggs over easy, I'd like uh, couple of pieces of crisp bacon,
I'd like a glass of fresh juice squeezed, and I'd like a couple of pieces of toast with
jam. [Peggy puts a box of cereal in front of him] Where's the Tang?
Peggy gets the Tang. Bud sneaks up behind Kelly and snaps her bra.
KELLY You are so immature!
Kelly pulls Bud's shirt over his head and walks off. Peggy returns with the Tang.
PEGGY Bud, stop playing with your clothes.
Bud straightens his clothes.
PEGGY Well, anyway. Happy Anniversary, dear. Can you believe it's been sixteen years?
AL Yeah, they just flew by.
PEGGY Let's see. Now, which one is the sixteenth? I know tenth is tin, the fifteenth is
crystal... what's the next one?
AL Brimstone. You gonna get me a tie again?
PEGGY Yeah. You getting me shoes again?
PEGGY From your store?
PEGGY Why don't we, uh, forget about presents this year?
AL Fine with me.
PEGGY I mean, after all, anniversaries are about being together.
AL Yeah, you're right. I'll come home tonight, how's that? Yeah, I'll be here, you'll be
here, the TV'll be here... let's not make a big deal about it this year, all right?
PEGGY Yeah. We don't need a bunch of silly presents to show we love each other. I know that I
AL Yeah, yeah, yeah.
PEGGY I said that "I love you".
AL I said "yeah yeah yeah"! I gotta get ready for work.
PEGGY Listen, Al, since you're not gonna get me a present, do you think that you could take my
car and have a radio installed?
AL Peg, I don't have the time.
PEGGY Yeah, but I'm out all day long, you know, running errands. What am I supposed to listen
AL Your own beautiful voice. If God didn't want other people to hear it he wouldn't have made
it so shrill. I'm gonna take a shower.
PEGGY Yeah, I gotta do the laundry.
AL Peg, when you do the laundry, you use all the hot water.
PEGGY Well, if God had wanted you to have hot water, he wouldn't have given me laundry.
Peggy goes to the laundry. Kelly approaches Al.
KELLY Dad? Are you really not going to get Mom a present? Whoa, bad move. 'Cause no matter what
she says, if you don't get her a present, you're gonna break her heart.
BUD Yeah, then she'll take it out on us.
KELLY Dad, even Meg's father got her mom an anniversary present and he shot at her!
Al checks to see if Peg is listening, then speaks furtively to Kelly and Bud.
AL This is a secret, and I mean a secret. I am getting your mom a present. One of those
expensive watches she's always harping about.
KELLY Oh Dad. [hugs him] That's great. She'll love it. You're the greatest.
AL Yeah. But listen, don't say a word to your mother 'cause I want this to be a surprise. You
understand? Not a word!
BUD Right, Dad!
Al exits upstairs. Kelly and Bud wait for him to disappear out of view, then run excitedly over
to Peggy, who is coming out of the laundry area.
BUD Oh, Mom, guess what? Dad's getting you a great watch.
KELLY That is supposed to be a surprise, Butthead. [to Peggy] It's one of those expensive ones
that you're always harping about.
PEGGY Oh. What a sweet man. Yeah, that sweet man would get me a great gift and I'll be sitting
there like a jerk with nothing for him. Well, I'm going out to get him something. Gee,
what is it he's really wanting?
BUD That blonde down the street.
PEGGY Did he tell you that?
BUD No, I just assumed it by the way he bites his fist every time he drives by her house.
PEGGY Oh, he's just kidding when he does that. Excuse me, one second.
Peggy walks over to the kitchen tap and turns it on sharply. Al is heard screaming from upstairs.
PEGGY Ah, I'm just kidding when I do that. You kids go ahead and get ready for school.
The kids leave. Peggy turns on the tap again and Al reacts.
The doorbell rings.
PEGGY Sorry, Al! I had a huge load of laundry.
Peggy answers the door to Steve and Marcy. They give Peggy a bottle of champagne.
STEVE Happy Anniversary!
MARCY Happy Anniversary!
PEGGY Oh, how thoughtful.
Marcy gives her the champagne.
MARCY Look, we even put your name on the label.
PEGGY Oh, that's too bad. It would've made a nice gift to give somebody. But thanks anyway.
Steve and Marcy exchange a look and come inside.
STEVE So, I guess you guys have a big evening planned, huh?
PEGGY Oh, pretty much. I'll fix dinner. We'll exchange presents. Then he'll watch midget
STEVE Ooh, what time's it come on?
MARCY Steve! We hate wrestling.
STEVE I know... I just wanted to know how late midgets got to stay up. [smiles]
MARCY Now Peggy, this is a special night for you and you shouldn't spend it cooking. [she leads
Peggy to the couch] Listen, I know a great caterer. Let them do the work.
PEGGY A caterer?
MARCY Yeah, we use them for all of our anniversaries. The first day we met...
STEVE The first day we kissed...
MARCY The first day we went out...
STEVE [getting somewhat turned on] The first day we stayed in...
He slides next to Marcy on the couch.
MARCY The first day you brought me flowers...
STEVE The first day you talked dirty to me.
MARCY I love you, Steve.
STEVE I love you too, Marcy...
They start kissing passionately on the couch. Peggy doesn't notice them.
PEGGY Do they make veal?
Peggy looks down at the couple making out next to her.
The salesman is serving a man at the counter. He is showing the man, Mr. Conner, a picture frame.
CLERK Here we are, sir.
CONNER Oh, I think my wife would like that.
CLERK I think she will too. It's a very nice frame.
Al enters the store and interrupts them.
AL I'm Al Bundy, I called about that expensive watch.
CLERK Ahh yes! [reaches down, gets the watch and shows it to Al] Here you are, sir. Oh, it's my
AL Well, wrap it up. Oh, and uh... leave the price tag on.
CLERK Well, yes, sir! Yes. Now, will that be cash or charge?
AL Uh, charge. [giving the clerk his card] And uh, don't get cute with my carbons.
The clerk rings up Al's purchase.
CONNER Wait a second, I was here first.
AL Yeah, yeah, so were the Indians. No, see, I'm in sales myself, I see how these guys think.
See, they see me, they see a big commission. They see you, they see me.
CONNER Well, if you're in sales, you should know that each customer counts as much as the next.
AL Yeah right, that's why he let me butt right in front of you like you were never even born.
[pointing to the picture frame] What's that?
CONNER It's an anniversary present for my wife.
AL You gonna get that?
AL How many years you been married?
AL Well, see, that's explains it. See, you're obviously new to the married game. Let me help
you out. See, the first thing I learned on my sixteen-year tour of duty, was that women
live for presents. Now, you take the most honorary woman in the world, let's call her...
Peggy, and you bring a crappy present home, like uh, that picture frame, your life will be
a living hell.
CONNER Well, my wife and I agreed we wouldn't spend too much on our anniversary. We decided to
save our money for more important things.
AL There is no more important thing than your anniversary. See, an anniversary is something
special. It's not like other holidays when other people are celebrating too, it's just
between the two of ya. See, it's, it's a day when you can show how you feel the rest of
the year, but you don't. 'Cause you're a man.
CONNER That's beautiful.
AL To know me is to love me.
The clerk comes back.
AL Here comes how I feel right now.
CLERK Sir, your card has been rejected.
CLERK I don't care. Next!
The clerk tends to the other man.
AL Wait a second, it's my anniversary.
CLERK [derisively] Happy Anniversary. [to Mr. Conner] Next?
CONNER I'll take the watch!
Al looks up, worried.
The Bundy house.
Bud is watching a French chef ice a cake.
BUD Wow, wish I could make stuff like that.
CHEF Maybe you can. Would you like to be a chef?
BUD Nah, I'd rather be a man.
The chef stops icing and takes a plate to the counter.
A violinist is setting up. Kelly walks over and picks something up from his case.
VIOLST Don't touch my resin. Don't ever touch my resin.
KELLY Sorry. [puts back the resin] Gee, you're kind of touchy... [suspiciously] kind of like a
clown at a birthday party.
VIOLST Oh yeah? You ever see a clown do this?
The violinist hits her on the head with his bow.
KELLY Ow! [realises] Bobo!!
VIOLST Shut up, I'm not doing that anymore.
Peggy comes downstairs wearing a new dress.
Steve and Marcy are on the couch looking through a photo album.
MARCY Peggy, what a beautiful dress.
PEGGY Oh, thanks. I bought it this afternoon. I didn't really like it, but I didn't feel like
changing back to what I already had on.
MARCY Well, we were just admiring your wedding album.
STEVE We videotaped our wedding. Of course, uh, Polaroids are nice too.
A car is heard pulling up.
KELLY That's Daddy's car.
PEGGY Okay, that's my watch. Everyone hide, quick!
Everybody but Peg hides in the basement. Peggy stands next to a big floral arrangement.
PEGGY Happy Anniversary, honey! See what Steve and Marcy sent us?
AL Oh, gee, that's great. [kisses Peggy on the cheek] As long as I don't have to put up with
them in person.
Everybody, including Steve and Marcy, come out of hiding.
ALL Surprise! Happy Anniversary!
AL Ah, Peg, I thought we said "no big deal".
PEGGY Oh, it's no big deal. Just us and a few of our closest friends.
The violinist pops up from behind the counter and plays a short tune.
PEGGY And a violinist. And a few others. Time for presents.
AL Peg, I thought we said no presents??
PEGGY Oh, I know, but it's our anniversary and I couldn't resist.
Peggy sits on the couch. Al grabs Bud by the arm.
AL You didn't tell your mother I was getting her a present, did you?
BUD It was Kelly, Dad... I know she's your daughter, but, but I think she's gotta go.
KELLY Okay, Mom and Dad, open mine first.
Kelly gives Al her present.
AL You brought me a present too?
KELLY Sure, I wasn't going to be the only one here without a present.
Al sits on the couch next to Peg and everybody watches as he opens the box.
Everyone says "oooh" as Al shows the present -- a picture frame.
AL A picture frame.
KELLY You know how much it cost?
AL Yes I do.
PEGGY The perfect anniversary gift.
BUD Mine next!
Peggy opens Bud's present.
PEGGY Oh, a diary!
BUD Yeah, it's Kelly's. [Kelly looks steamed] I heard you say you'd give anything to take a
look at it.
KELLY You little wad! You thief! You Nazi Fascist psychopath! [to Peggy, smiling sweetly] Mom,
can I have that back, please?
PEGGY Of course, dear. They're your private moments and Bud had no right to take it. [quietly to
Bud] It was a nice thought though, Bud.
KELLY [to Bud] You open wound.
Marcy gives Al a book.
MARCY Here. We got you two one of our favorite books.
AL [reading the title] 'My Partner, My Wife, My Life'... My God. Well, that's all for the
presents. Thank you very much, good night and drive safely.
Al goes to open the door, but Peggy stops him.
PEGGY No. It's my turn.
AL Peg, were you here this morning when we said no presents?
PEGGY [laughing] Oh Al. [she takes a big box out of the closet and gives it to Al] Here!
Al sits on the couch, laughing nervously and opens it. Everyone "ooooh"s when they see what's inside.
AL The power tools I've been wanting. Boy, it's gonna be tough to top this... so why try?
Good night, everybody!
Steve stops Al from getting up.
STEVE No, we all know what it's time for now!
BUD Yeah, come on, Dad, whip out that watch.
The doorbell rings and Al gets up to answer it, glad for the distraction.
AL Uh, the door! [He answers it to Luke] Luke, you're here! Look everybody, it's Luke and he
doesn't have a present, but we're not going to hold him against it, are we?
LUKE Hey, I'd have to be a pretty big piece of scum not to bring a present.
Luke picks up his present.
AL Luke, you didn't have to bring a present.
LUKE Yes, uh, yes I did, Al - Peg hates me.
Luke gives his present to Peggy.
PEGGY [coldly] Thank you, Luke.
Luke stands next to Marcy and looks at her.
LUKE Hey, Al, your daughter's really blossomed.
Steve turns Marcy away from Luke and comforts her.
LUKE Where's the eats?
PEGGY Not now, Luke. We still have one more thing we have to do.
KELLY Yeah, Dad, get Mom's present.
AL Right, Right. Ah... [thinks] It's out in the car, I'll go get it.
Al goes into the garage. The car is heard starting up, but the engine does not turn over. Peggy
looks towards the garage. After a few more tries with the car, Al gives up and comes back into
the living room with some motor oil and a road flare.
AL Happy Anniversary!
He gives Peggy his "present".
PEGGY A can of motor oil?
AL Forty weight... and a road flare. Bless our happy home.
Peggy, disappointed, puts down the items and moves into the kitchen.
VIOLST You didn't get her anything, huh?
AL I tried to get her a watch, but... who is this guy?
KELLY That's Bobo.
Bobo bops Kelly on the head with his bow again. Al goes into the kitchen.
AL Peg, I tried to get you the watch. There was some kind of mix-up with the credit card.
I'll fix it tomorrow.
PEGGY Tomorrow is not our anniversary.
Peggy pushes past him and starts to walk off.
AL You're taking this well.
Steve stops Peggy and puts his arms around her and Al.
STEVE Gifts aren't really important, are they? The important thing is that you two have been
together all these years. Isn't that what anniversaries are all about?
MARCY Steve, you wouldn't show up without a present for our anniversary, would you?
STEVE Of course not. I care about you.
Peggy looks at Al and walks away from him. The chef calls out from the kitchen.
CHEF Dinner is served!
Steve and Marcy start to head out.
STEVE Maybe we ought to be getting on home...
Peggy stops them.
PEGGY Oh no you don't. I paid for this dinner and I'm going to enjoy it. Now sit.
Al offers Peggy a chair, but she sits on another one. Everybody takes their places at the table.
KELLY Nice going, Dad.
BUD Yeah, Dad; nice.
The violinist starts to play The Anniversary Song.
AL You know, Peg, I really tried...
PEGGY And I don't want to hear anymore about it. [the violinist stops playing] Caviar, anyone?
Bud, Kelly? Steve, Marcy? [looks at Al, then:] Luke?
AL You know, Peg, I tried to get you the watch. It's not my fault.
PEGGY It's never your fault.
AL There's gotta be a reason. I paid the bill! You were here, I sent the check in a couple of
PEGGY Give it up, Al. There is nothing wrong with the card. I used it to pay for this dinner
today. Including this caviar that you now have your elbow in.
Al wipes off his elbow.
AL Well, there's gotta be some reason.
PEGGY I've got one; you're cheap?
AL Yeah! But not today. I mean, didn't the guy give you a hard time about the card?
PEGGY No, Al. Not at all.
KELLY Me neither, Daddy.
AL You paid with the credit card too?
KELLY Of course. I wasn't going to spend my allowance.
AL And Peg, sweetie... those power tools that cost a pretty penny... was that pretty penny
PEGGY Of course it was, Al.
AL I see. So I guess uh, the dinner and uh, the presents... Ol' Mr. Skinflint here kind of
paid for everything, didn't he? In fact, the only I didn't pay for was my present to you
and you wanna know why? 'Cause maybe you stuffed the credit card so much that when I tried
to use it, it threw up.
Al makes a vomiting motion. Everybody else puts down their food they were about to eat.
AL No no no no no, please eat, enjoy, relax. I'd like to thank everybody for their
understanding in my hour of need. I'm going to take my tools which I paid for, and
celebrate in the garage which I'm still paying for.
Al leaves the table. Everybody is silent for a moment.
PEGGY Could you pass the veal?
MARCY You know, Peggy... as a woman, I'd never thought I'd be saying this to another woman, but
you're totally wrong.
PEGGY I know.
MARCY Aren't you going to apologize?
PEGGY Oh sure, but not right now. He won't be expecting me yet. See, this is where he likes me
to sit and stew in my own juices. Would you pass the sauce?
STEVE [passing her the sauce] But you are going to tell him you're sorry, aren't you?
PEGGY Ha, no. See, that's the really nice thing about Al. Whenever we have a major argument, he
never makes me apologize. He always cuts me off right before I have to say the 'S' word.
It's kind of a shorthand. Comes with sixteen years of marriage.
STEVE [to Marcy] Oh honey, I hope that we grow so close that I never have to apologize to you.
MARCY Steve, you're interrupting.
STEVE I'm sorry.
Al is working on Peggy's car. Peggy comes in and walks over to Al.
AL And another thing, where'd you get that dress?
PEGGY Oh, I've this for years. You never notice what I wear.
AL So what are you doing out here?
PEGGY You know. Look, I didn't realise that I put you over your credit limit. It's just one of
those things that happen when you charge too much.
PEGGY And after all, it's your money.
PEGGY And I don't work. Feel free to cut me off here anytime you'd like.
AL No no, not this time, 'cause this time I didn't do anything. And I want to hear you say
PEGGY What, Al?
PEGGY Come on, Al, we both know I am.
AL "Am" what, Peg?
PEGGY It. Very "it." [Al just looks at her] You're really serious?
AL Yep. 'Cause, see, I thought I finally saved up enough money to get a nice present that you
deserve, and it felt bad walking in the house without it. But it was worse thinking that
you didn't think I tried.
PEGGY Yeah. You're right. You always do try to do something nice for our anniversary.
AL Hmm hm.
PEGGY [seriously] And even if you hadn't tried to buy me the watch, if the sixteen years we've
been together isn't enough to say "I love you", what good could a stupid watch do? Oh Al,
I really -
AL [cutting her off] We're supposed to get some rain.
PEGGY Would you like me to make you some soup for your lunch tomorrow?
AL Nah, it's okay. Last time I cut my hand on the can. You know, I really did feel bad about
not getting you a present, so I thought of a present I could give you that you didn't have
to put on a credit card.
Peggy smiles eagerly at Al.
AL No, not that. 'Cause after all I wasn't wrong in this.
AL But uh, anyway there it is.
Al shows Peggy the inside of her car.
PEGGY Oh gee, you tore out my dashboard. Thanks.
AL Oh, but, look where the dashboard used to be.
PEGGY [looking] Oh, a radio!
AL Yeah. Yeah, I took it out my car and put it in yours. Happy Anniversary.
Al gives Peggy a kiss.
PEGGY [genuine] Oh, that's so sweet.
AL I fixed the bass control so it doesn't vibrate your tush.
PEGGY Actually I kinda like that. Oh Al, I can't tell you how much this means to me. [looks in
the car again] Hey, what's the thing on the front seat?
AL Oh, that's your air conditioner. Hey listen, you know, we haven't been alone all day. You
wanna sit out here and listen to the oldies station?
PEGGY Yeah, sure.
Al turns on the radio. "War" by Edwin Starr comes on.
AL Our song!
PEGGY Our song!
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY LINDA DAY
WRITTEN BY KATHERINE GREEN & RICHARD GURMAN
CREATED BY MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITORS SANDY SPRUNG AND MARCY VOSBURGH
CASTING MARC HIRSCHIELD, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING STEPHEN KOLZAK
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HUESEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION DON GREAT
PRODUCTION DESIGNER DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR GERRY CHOEN
STAGE MANAGERS RICHARD DRANEY, GARY HAMIREZ
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR SUSAN JANG
UNTI MANAGER STEVE MCINTIRE
TECHNICAL MANAGER LINCOLN HARRISON
PRODUCTION SERVICES COORDINATOR MICHELLE BURRAGE
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR JIM RALSTON
LIGHTING DIRECTOR MARK BUXBAUM
AUDIO NICK KLEISSAS
VIDEOTAPE EDITOR ROGER AMES BERGER
RE-RECORDING TAMARA JOHNSON, CARROLL PRATT
COSTUMES MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST DOTTIE MCQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY FRAN MCCONNELL
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTER IN HOLLYWOOD
COPYRIGHT 1987 EMBASSY COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION KEN STUMP
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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