0101 (001)


Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the dog............Buck

Guest cast:

Ritch Shydner...........Luke Ventura
Diana Bellamy...........Customer #1
Sue Ann Gilfillan.......Customer #2
Linda Dona..............Tawny
Victor Di Mattia........Arnold



Peggy is seated at the table, twitching her leg. Kelly walks past her with a plate of food, sits
on the couch and starts writing. The pot plant behind the couch moves towards her. Bud jumps out
of it and grabs her hair.

KELLY   Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!

BUD     Die, commie bimbo!

Bud pretends to cut her throat with a toy knife.

PEGGY   Now, Bud, I thought we talked about this before.

BUD     [letting go Kelly's hair] What's that, Mom?

PEGGY   You know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending to kill her. Do
        you remember the effect it had on Grandma? Nobody likes it, nobody thinks it's funny, so
        cut it out, okay?

BUD     Sure, Mom.

PEGGY   Now go to school.

A school bus horn is heard. Kelly and Bud head for the door; Kelly opens it and glares at Bud.

KELLY   I hate you.

BUD     Good!

They leave the house as Al comes down the stairs. 
He is holding a cactus, and has a bandaid on his right hand.

AL      Hey, hon. Anything goin' on?

PEGGY   Nope.

AL      Sweetie, is this your little cactus?

PEGGY   Uh-huh.

AL      Any particular reason you put it where the alarm clock used to be?

PEGGY   I thought it would dress up the room a little bit. Oh gee, you know, I meant to tell you
        to be careful before you slammed your hand down on the alarm this morning.

AL      [holding up his bandaged hand] Well, you didn't!

PEGGY   Sorry.

AL      It's okay, I stopped the bleeding with your slip. Where are the kids?

PEGGY   Oh, they've left. Oh, by the way, Bud has Show 'n' Tell at school today. The subject is
        "What Does Daddy do?" So when you come home tonight, if there's a can of beer missing,
        you can't find the remote control, that's where they are.

AL      I hope he brings that stuff back tonight, the Bulls are playing on TV!

PEGGY   [sarcastic] Oh my god, you're kidding.

AL      Not as exciting as your "Cooking with Clyde the Cajun" show but at least it gives me a
        reason to come home.

Al opens the fridge and looks inside.

PEGGY   Al, do you have to leave the refrigerator door open? I'm getting a draft.

AL      [closing it] Oh I'm sorry. Maybe I should look for some food in the dishwasher? We have
        no juice.

PEGGY   Oh, I didn't buy any, I didn't have time.

AL      Well, that happens, I understand. You don't have a job or anything, do you?

PEGGY   Well, I do sandpaper the stains out of your shirts and battle your socks and underwear
        into the washing machine, but I guess that is more of an adventure than a job.

AL      What's that got to do with juice?

PEGGY   Al, there's a store on your way home from work.

AL      I'm sorry, why didn't I think of that. Sure, I don't mind doing the shopping too.
        Anything else I can do to make your life a little easier?

PEGGY   You could shave your back.

AL      Hey, that hair's there for a reason. It keeps you offa me at night.

PEGGY   Al, let's not start. We were having such a nice morning.

AL      Yeah, I'm sorry; you're right. It's just that I got a hard day of work ahead of me and
        I've got nothing to eat to get me going!

PEGGY   I'm sorry honey. I know, it's my fault. [She walks over to the coffee table] But tonight,
        I promise here will be food in the house.

AL      And juice.

PEGGY   Right. [she picks up the plate with the food Kelly didn't eat] Those kids. I hate wasting

Al motions for her to give the food to him, but Peggy instead gives it to Buck.

PEGGY   [to Buck, mushily] Yes, my little baby. [to Al] Have a nice day, honey.

Peggy goes upstairs. Al stands and speaks to Buck.

AL      There better be juice when I get home.


The shoe store.
A small boy called Arnold throws a rack of shoes off one of the shelves and runs around to his
mother. The mother is a rather fat woman seated on a chair with her foot in a shoe sizer and Al
in front of her.

WOMAN   I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a seven since I graduated from High

AL      Well, these are sevens. The box says nine, because well, uh... look lady, you're a nine!
        I can accept it, why can't you?

WOMAN   You're very fresh!

AL      No, ma'am, that's impossible. Cause for the last hour, I've been trying to squeeze your
        foot into a shoe, when really I should've been easing them into the box. So I say I'm
        anything but fresh. [Arnold is playing with some shoes] by the way, you want to tell John
        Henry over there to give the hundred dollar pumps a rest?

WOMAN   Your ad says "courteous" service.

AL      That's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owners. He was killed tragically on this very
        spot when a size nine exploded in his face.

WOMAN   [gathering her things] Come on, Arnold, we're leaving.

ARNOLD  I want a balloon.

AL      [looking at his mother] You've already got one!

The woman gets huffy and they leave. Al's co-worker, Luke, enters.

LUKE    Hey, Al. Mind if I go to lunch?

AL      You just came from lunch.

LUKE    Yeah, technically. Biologically, I was in bed with some broad.

AL      Luke, how can you be happy sleeping with every woman you meet?

LUKE    I don't know, but I am.

AL      I tell you, as your friend I can't wait till you get married. Yeah, a wife and kids who
        adore you. The wife, kids... the list goes on and on! It's just seeing their faces light
        up in the morning when they see you, they can't do enough for you. It's heaven on Earth.

LUKE    No Al, that is. 

Luke approaches an attractive blonde customer named Tawny. 

LUKE    Luke Ventura, at your feet.

Luke serves her and another (much older) woman comes over to Al.

WOMAN   Do you work here or you just loitering?

AL      I'm sorry, can I help you?

WOMAN   I'd like to see some shoes please.

Al shows her to a seat.

AL      Uh, let me guess, uh... size sevens.

WOMAN   Yes. How did you know?

AL      All women are sevens.

On his way to the stock room, Al stops to look at Luke and Tawny.

LUKE    I know you've been told this before but you have the instep of a movie star.

TAWNY   Really?

LUKE    Hey Al, meet Tawny. [to Tawny] Al's married.

Luke and Tawny laugh.

LUKE    Listen Al, I forgot to tell you. I got an extra ticket to the Bulls-Lakers game tonight.
        Court level. Wanna go?

AL      Hell yeah!

LUKE    You sure your wife will let you?

AL      Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.

WOMAN   Hey you. Get my shoes.

AL      Yes Ma'am.


Peggy is lying on the couch watching TV, eating bon-bons and smoking.

TV      We're here with our staff anthropologist, Dr. Jim, who discovered a tribe of women in the
        Amazon who, like the Praying Mantis, devour their males after mating season. 

PEGGY   [laughing] Oh my god.

The sound of a car pulling up is heard and Peggy immediately turns off the TV, puts out her 
cigarette and hides her bonbons with a couch cushion. She turns on the vacuum and sucks up all of
her cigarette butts and bonbon wrappers. She is vacuuming rigorously as Al enters.

PEGGY   Hi Honey.

AL      Hi. Working hard?

PEGGY   Oh yeah, you know I like to keep the house clean. Phew!

She turns off the vacuum and slumps down onto the couch, exhausted. 
Al puts his hand on top of the TV.

PEGGY   Hard day?

AL      Yeah, you?

PEGGY   Oh yeah.

AL      Yeah, must've been, even the TV's sweating! Hey get me some juice, OK? 

PEGGY   Oh, that's what I forgot to do.

AL      Ah, it's OK, juice isn't important. Listen honey, I know you've been busy around the
        house all day, so you don't have to bother making me dinner tonight. I've got a little
        surprise for you. I'm going to the ball game tonight!

Al kisses Peggy on the cheek and starts to leave, but Peggy stops him.

PEGGY   Al, you're not going to the game tonight. 

AL      Sure I am. See, let me explain something to you. I work all day. And when someone works
        all day they need to have some fun at night. Now I don't actually expect you to
        understand any of this, but trust me I'm your husband - I know best.

Al kisses her on the cheek again.

PEGGY   Well, isn't staying home with me fun?

AL      [beat] Don't wait up.

He kisses her the cheek again.

PEGGY   Al, you're not going to the game tonight.

AL      Oh see, you misunderstood me. You must've thought I said, "Honey, is it okay with you if
        I go to the game?" You know, like a question. There's no question about this.

PEGGY   No there isn't. You cannot go to the game tonight.

AL      Why not?

PEGGY   Because I invited company over.

AL      Company? Who the hell would want to come over here?!

PEGGY   Well you know that honeymoon couple that moved next door?

AL      No.

PEGGY   Well, I invited them over, I thought I told you.

AL      You didn't. Look, I worked hard all day. The last thing I want to do is spend the whole
        evening with people I don't know!

PEGGY   Now look. They are new in the neighborhood. They have lived here for two months and they
        have no friends. We have lived here for 15 years and we have no friends. Al, I wanna have
        some friends! 

AL      Wait a second, wait, wait. Are you implying that it's my fault you have no friends?

PEGGY   [sarcastically] Oh no. It's me who sits in front of the TV set burping with my hand 
        thrust down my pants!

AL      You keep it cold in this house, Peg.

PEGGY   Al. Al, every night when the kids go out it's just you and me. Can't you see how boring
        that is for me, honey? Look, all I am asking is that we have some people over for one
        night and for you to be nice.

AL      Oh, I'm gonna be nice, how's this for nice: I'm not even gonna be here! I'm going to the

PEGGY   All right, Al, fine. But before you go I would just like to say three things: the bank 
	book is in both of our names. The credit cards are in both of our names. And the stores 
	are still open.

Peggy looks up at him. Al thinks about this, then takes off his jacket and sits on the couch.

AL      Why didn't you get me juice?



Peggy and Al are still on the couch and Peggy is twitching her leg. Al can't stand it any longer
and puts a hand on her leg to stop it.

AL      Kids gone?

PEGGY   Yeah, but they'll be back.

AL      I can't believe you invited these people over tonight. I hate company. 

PEGGY   Would you for once think about me? I am home all day alone. You are out there around
        people all the time. You know, I need some fun too.   

AL      Too? Oh sure, on the surface selling women's shoes is fun. But once you cut through all
        the hype, the myths, the glamor, it's really very much like any other minimum-wage-paying
        slow death.

Bud enters through the front door.

BUD     Hi, Mom. Dad, can I have five dollars?

AL      You know, Bud, when I was young I had to earn my money. Did you ever once think about
        trying to earn your money?

BUD     Okay Dad... You wanna know who Kelly was with this afternoon?

AL      Who?

Bud holds out his hand for money and Al gives him some.

BUD     You know the kid they call Cobra? The kid with the sore on his mouth?

Al gives him more money.

AL      Good job, Son. 

BUD     Thanks, Dad!

Bud starts to leave.

AL      Where are you going? 

BUD     Joey's dad's waiting for me outside. We're going to the basketball game tonight. Mom said
        it was okay. Bye!

Bud leaves.

PEGGY   The Lakers are in town, he really wanted to go.

Al slaps his hand down onto the couch. Kelly enters through the garage.

KELLY   Hi Mom. Dad, can I have 10 dollars?

AL      Who were you with today?

KELLY   Nobody.

AL      Does nobody have a name? You know, Tom, Dick... Cobra with a sore on his mouth?

KELLY   Oh, Dad, it's not that kind of sore. He just fell asleep with a cigar in his mouth.

She holds out her hand for money.

AL      What?

PEGGY   You gave some to Bud, you have to give to Kelly too. Remember Al, no favoritism.

AL      [giving Kelly money] Peg, she's going out with a guy named after a reptile! 

PEGGY   His real name is Stanley. They only call him Cobra because he has one painted on his van.

AL      And you find this acceptable? 

PEGGY   I've met him and he's a very nice boy.

A car screeches outside and a very unpromising car horn - the Dragnet theme - is heard.

KELLY   That's his horn, isn't it great? I guess that's why I fell in love with him. Bye Mom, bye

Kelly leaves.

PEGGY   Bye honey. You know, we must have done something right. We raised two great kids.

The car is heard schreeching away.

AL      I'm sorry honey, I didn't hear you. I was just thinkin' of killing myself.

PEGGY   Not tonight, honey, we have company coming over.

AL      Look, it's time for the pre-game show.

He grabs for the remote but Peg takes it from him.

PEGGY   Oh no you don't. Every time we have company, you turn on this TV and immediately separate
        yourself. Not tonight. You can always watch a basketball game.

AL      Oh, but I couldn't always meet our next door neighbors? Now I see!

The doorbell rings.

PEGGY   Now that must be Steve and Marcy from next door.

AL      Steve and Marcy? I'm going to miss a game for people named Steve and Marcy? What's their
        last name, Gorme?
PEGGY   And that is another thing, Al when they are in here I don't want you making any snide
        comments. That is why we have no friends. 

AL      Excuse me, Peg. I thought we had no friends because I put my hands down my pants.

The doorbell rings twice more.

PEGGY   Now that's them. Al, another thing. Do not eat or drink anything. One of them may need to
        use the bathroom after you.

AL      I'm gonna hate these people.

PEGGY   You will not hate them, they are very nice.

AL      If they were nice they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Another ring of the doorbell.

PEGGY   Get the door!

AL      Get my juice!

Peggy cringes and walks away. Al opens the door to a smiling Steve and Marcy.

MARCY   Hello, I'm Marcy.

STEVE   I'm Steve.

MARCY   You have a beautiful home.

AL      Yeah, so do you, come on in.

They enter and Al closes the door behind them.

STEVE   [to Peg] Howdy, neighbour!

Al      Yeah, yeah, yeah, [silently to Peg; behind Steve and Marcy] I hate these people.

PEGGY   Why don't we sit down... [everybody sits down] Gee, you know, I'm kind of embarrassed, I
        have nothing to serve you.

AL      Yeah, listen, if you're hungry there's a store a few blocks away. If you go, get me some
        juice, okay?

PEGGY   Al's only kidding. He's just a little upset because I didn't have time to do the shopping.

MARCY   You know, [she and Steve look at each other] Steve and I decided to share the household

Steve and Marcy do the Eskimo greeting with their noses.

AL      Gee, that's great.

PEGGY   You see, Al? Steve helps around the house.

AL      [sarcastically] Way to go, Steve! Say, listen, who'd you like to win the NBA championship
        this year?

STEVE   Well, Al, to tell you the truth since we got married I don't watch much sports. Marcy
        doesn't like it and we decided we'll only do things we both like.

MARCY   I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically
        healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that "winning is the only
        thing" attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.

AL      You gonna neuter him too?

Al and Peggy start to laugh. Steve and Marcy are shocked, but remain composed.

STEVE   Do you two, uh, have any kids?

AL      Two.

MARCY   Where are they?

AL      I don't know. [Al stands behind Steve and Marcy] So Steve, looks like life is really
        shaping up for you two. How long you two crazy kids been married? 

STEVE   Two months, Al.

AL      Hey! Welll... [grabs Steve's shoulder] Marcy, it looks you've got a heck of a piece of
        clay here to work with.

Al sits on the arm of the chair where Peggy is sitting.

PEGGY   We've been married for 15 years.


MARCY   Ahh, what's your secret?

PEGGY   Oh, no secret really, Just to be considerate. Accept each other for what you are. Don't
        point out the fact that the hair he's losing on his head is now growing out of his nose.
        And his ears.

She laughs.
AL      And accepting the fact that nowadays it's harder to figure out where her chest ends and
        her stomach begins!

Peggy elbows Al in the leg.

PEGGY   I'll get us some coffee, Marcy.

She goes into the kitchen.

MARCY   I'll help.

STEVE   Me too! 

Steve gets up but Al stops him.

AL      You know another thing that, uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing
        to us? [sits on the couch next to Steve] It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they
        come over and say to ya, "What are you thinking?" and you start thinking, "y'know, if I
        wanted you to know, I'd be talking!"

Marcy and Peggy are in the kitchen.
Peggy is putting spoonful after spoonful of coffee into a cup.

MARCY   Isn't that an awful lot of coffee you're putting in there?

PEGGY   Yes. That's for them. Ours will be good. You see, if they enjoy eating and drinking at
        home too much, they never take you anywhere. With men, if you ask them for something you
        are never going to get it. But if you do some damage to their internal organs, you've got
        a shot. And if it doesn't work - ha! What have you lost? [hands Marcy the cup] Will you
        fill this with tap water please?

Marcy speaks before she does so. Peggy takes a jug from under the bench and pours proper water
into her and Marcy's coffees.

MARCY   Well, I have to be honest. So far Steve has been the ideal husband.

PEGGY   Oh really? I bet the first couple of weeks you were married you went to bed at the same

MARCY   Oh yes.

PEGGY   Have you noticed in the last month or so, he seems to be going to bed a little later and

MARCY   Why, yes. How did you know?

PEGGY   You're letting him slip away, Marcy. You've got a good thing going. Don't start letting
        him have a good time alone.

MARCY   But we still have a good time together.

PEGGY   Then why is he staying up?

Marcy thinks a beat, then fills her husband's cup with tap water. 
Angle on Al and Steve in living room.

AL      And I'm telling you, your son is going to be a sissy Mary if you let that woman take away
        your sports.

STEVE   [wistfully] I used to love sports.

AL      Of course you did. You're a man. But Steve, you can love it again. Start with me right
        now, Steve. [Al gets the remote] Turn on that TV - I can't do it for you - Turn it on,
        settle back, relax and watch sports.

Steve takes the remote. He glances to the kitchen to see if Marcy is looking, then casually turns
on the TV. Al puts his left hand down his pants.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen...

MARCY   You know lately, he's been getting up earlier than me too.

PEGGY   [disappointed] That's not good. Do you have PMS?


PEGGY   Get it.

Peggy and Marcy go into the lounge room. Steve and Al are still watching TV. Steve has both of
his hands down his pants. The women give their husbands their coffees.

MARCY   Steve! 

STEVE   Ssh, hey!

MARCY   I thought we agreed: No sports.

STEVE   [ignoring Marcy] Oh, nice shot!

Steve takes a sip of the coffee and practically chokes. Al manages to swallow his without
noticing much.

MARCY   I demand to know what you do late at night after I've gone to bed. Are you having fun
        alone, Steve?

Steve looks confused.

STEVE   No, I just like to stay up and think.

Marcy is twitching her leg in a Peggy-like fashion.

MARCY   [getting madder] What are you thinking? 

STEVE   Well if I wanted you to know, I'd... 

Steve remembers Al's earlier words and cuts himself off.

STEVE   Oh... just about... how much I love you. I'm going to the game next week with Al.

MARCY   My mother's coming over next week.

STEVE   Oh yeah? She going to teach you how to bury me like she buried her three husbands?

Al pats his hand on his head, indicating a foul.

MARCY   Steve! [smiling again] Are you implying that their suicides had something to do 
	with mother?

Steve just stares at her.

MARCY   Oh. Well, if that's your attitude, maybe I should just pack my bags and move in with her.

STEVE   Great! Then I can go to bed at a normal hour.

Peggy non-verbally encourages Marcy to keep her ground with Steve.

MARCY   All right, Steve Rhoades, let's go. [stands] We're going home. It's time to re-define 
	our relationship.

STEVE   [standing] Okay! Al, I'll see you next week at the game.

MARCY   Peggy, I think we'll be spending a lot of time together.

They start to leave.

MARCY   Come on Steve, we've got to talk.

STEVE   Well, make it quick, I'm going to watch boxing!

MARCY   You'll watch NOTHING!

They leave, no longer side by side, with Steve shutting the door behind him. 
Peggy sits next to Al. He puts his arm around her.

AL      It's gonna be rough for them.

PEGGY   Yeah. Well, it was rough for us and we made it. [Al drinks some more of his coffee] Hey,
        you know what? Bud got an A in school today.

AL      No kidding?

PEGGY   Yeah.

Al takes another sip of coffee and then stares at it.

AL      Hey, let's go out Saturday night. You know to eat, just me and you.

PEGGY   Well sure, if you want to.

AL      We haven't been to the Captain's Table in a long time.

PEGGY   Ooh, we always like it there. They have such a nice menu.

AL      Yeah. [pauses] Wanna go upstairs?

PEGGY   I thought you wanted to watch the game?

AL      Nah. Who cares?

They stand. Al takes Peggy's hand then puts his arm around her as they approach the stairs.

AL      You know, I like the coffee there too.

Peggy puts her arm around Al. Al pats Peggy on the butt as they continue their way upstairs.


All Rights Reserved


Transcribed by Marriedaniac
Many thanks to Jarek


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