CHARACTER GUIDE - AL BUNDY

A FAT WOMAN CAME INTO THE SHOESTORE TODAY...


Peg to Al in 1118: "You know, the kids and I kind of miss your little shoe stories."

Well, here they all are [nearly]... and not just the fat women, either!


101 - Pilot

Woman: You're very fresh! Al: No ma'am, that's impossible, because for the last hour, I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when really I should've been easing them into the box. So I say I'm anything but fresh.(...)
{this next section was also seen in 1105)
Woman: [gathering her things] Come on, Arnold, we're leaving.
Arnold: I want a balloon.
Al: [looking at Arnold's mother] You've already got one!
(first audience applause)


104 - But I Didn't Shoot The Deputy

Al: I'll tell you something Peg. Feet, and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly combination.


110 - The Poker Game

Ugly woman: I need something that goes with this dress.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?


204 - If I Were A Rich Man

Al: And the best part - some fat woman came in the store and yelled at me. And she went out and fell right on her ass.


217 - Peggy Loves Al Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Al: I hate Valentine's Day in the shoeshop. Every fat woman in Chicago hippos in wanting pink pumps. As if anyone can see their feet over the bulging flesh of their ankles.


218 - The Great Escape

A babe is in the store
Peg: Uh, Al, are these some of the fat woman you're always complaning about?
Al: That was a once in a life time thing, Peg, and I'm so glad you and the kids were here to scare it away.
Later, an ugly woman enters the store.
Woman: I need shoes.
Al: Yeah, the Blacksmith's right around the corner.


0303 - I'm Going to Sweatland

Fat Customer: Your ad said 'Shoes to fit every foot.'
Al: Well, we're not dealing with what Webster meant by feet. Let's face it, girls, we have here is rib roasts with nails.


0608 - God's Shoes

Al: A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size five. I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me along behind. Thank God a stick of butter fell out of her purse and I was able to grease my way outta there.


0612 - So This is How Sinatra Felt

Fat Customer: I want my money back. These shoes you sold me are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've I only wore them once and they split at the sides.
Al: Well, let me explain. See, it's just like an elevator, there's a two ton weight limit on these shoes. What's say I nail the soles directly to your feet? It'd give you more traction when your pulling the ice wagon.
Fat Customer: You'll be hearing from my attorney.
Al: Is that the firm of Häagen and Dazs?


0622 - The Good-Bye Girl

Kelly: A fat woman came to the gate today. Wearing a muumuu that covered what must have been 3 or 4 heinies. Now, she could have either gone through an itsy-bitsy turnstyle or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming. So I got a tub of butter from the "Delta Burke: Let's Get Big" exhibit and greased her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hot wired the Enterprise, and sent it up where no man has gone before.


0712 - Christmas

Al: A fat woman came into the store today. She wanted some shoes for a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star in her butt and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me 'cause she's fat.


0801 - A Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peggy Make a Basket?

Al: This woman came in and she was so fat she actually had 3 smaller women orbiting around her... So I'm trying to force a pair of size 13 shoes on her Jurassic feet, when she says to me that her husband just left her.


0812 - Just a Little off the Top

Al, after being in the hospital: Did you know that Daddy's nurse was a fat woman who used to come into the shoe store? Well, I say "used to" because her patronage fell off one day when she asked for something to make her foot look smaller and I said "Try your ass." She remembered, and we laughed. The she picked up a cathedar the size of a boa constrictor and charged!


0814 - Honey, I Blew up Myself

Fat Customer: Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
Al: I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror. I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "moo" and I'll stop.
Fat Customer: That's it. I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig?



Many thanks to Andreas Carl



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